Sunday, July 31, 2016

Don't Know Much About: Orphans

You would think people would assume Curtis and Barry aren't orphans because of their decent-looking clothes. Also, wouldn't people in the neighborhood recognize them?

Crankshaft only wanted his number retired so that he can commit social security fraud.

panel from Judge Parker
"You know, counselor..."

"And you're very beautiful tonight!"

"You look very handsome sitting over there!"

"Ill-placed word balloons today."

"Maybe if we were more centrally placed in the panel. Take a couple steps backwards."

Hi & Lois
"These games are harder than they look, Dot. Some of them are even rigged. And did you see the woman at the rubber duck race booth? The wart on her hand was the size of a half dollar and was an unnatural shade of yellow. I bet all those rubber ducks are diseased or something."

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Just Frightening

I have noticed since I started doing this that Saturdays are not the best days for talking about newspaper comic strips. I assume it is because some papers may only do Monday through Friday comics or just Saturday and Sunday so cartoonists don't necessarily bring their A-game on Saturday. However, Bunny Hoest and John Reiner, who write and draw The Lockhorns, have decided to use this Saturday to frighten millions of readers.
This is scary.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Tauy Creek Digest #21: Fall Dance

Bobbo sat in his desk during world geography class but he was turned toward the class with his back to the window. His arm and hand resting on the desk behind him. Michelle Plass was using a ballpoint pen to draw on his hand and wrist. "Are you going to the fall dance tonight?" she asked him as she continued drawing.

"No, I don't have a date," Bobbo answered.

"You can come with me," Michelle said. "I'm going alone so we could be each others dates."

"Sure, I'll go. It'll be fun," Bobbo said.

Michelle continued drawing on Bobbo's hand until the bell rang for class to be over. "I'll see you at the dance. We'll wait outside for each other to arrive."

"Sure, see you tonight," Bobbo stood up and grabbed his stuff. He looked at his hand. "Why'd you draw a penis on me?" he asked after seeing the elongated mushroom shapes.

Bobbo walked through the hallways and Brooke came up to him. "Bobbo, are you going to dance tonight?" she asked him.

"That question is really going around," Bobbo said. "Yeah, why?"

"Would you want to go with me? Trent said he was going to but then he flaked out on me," Brooke complained. "Do you want to be my date?"

"Yeah, I'd love to. I'll just meet you inside the cafeteria," Bobbo said. "See you tonight." Bobbo continued down the hall and joined up with Max. "Hey, Max, are you going to the dance tonight?"

"You're not my type," Max said.

"Are you going or not?"

"Yeah, there's going to be free food," Max answered.

"I will be going to the dance with both Brooke and Michelle," Bobbo revealed.

"And they are both cool with that?"

"Well, they don't know. Michelle asked me first in world geography and Brooke asked me just now. I plan on keeping them apart. Keeping them on opposite ends of the cafeteria, you know," Bobbo smiled.

"That's a good plan. That always works out. Always," Max said. "Why do you have penises drawn on your hand?"

"Michelle drew them on me," Bobbo looked at his hand.

"She's a weird girl," Max said.

At the dance, Bobbo started out with Michelle. They walked in together but made sure they avoided Mr. Dillon, the art teacher who was taking pictures of the kids coming in. The went to the corner of the cafeteria where the food and Max was. "Hey, Bobbo. Hi, Michelle," Max greeted.

"Hi, Max," Michelle responded.

Bobbo whispered to Max. "Have you seen Brooke?"

"She's over there," Max pointed to the other side of the cafeteria. "You're really going to do this, aren't you?"

"I'll take her some food," Bobbo grabbed a plate and began loading it up with food. "I'm gonna go say hi to some friends."

"I'll go with you. We both know the same people."

"No, that's okay. Keep Max company," Bobbo said and walked away into the crowd of kids.

Michelle raised an eyebrow.

"Mry huh hupcays," Max said, an entire cupcake in his mouth.

"Hello, milady, I brought you some food," Bobbo said as he arrived at Brooke. "I didn't see you when I came in so I grabbed us both something to eat."

"Thanks, Bobbo," Brooke took the plate from him and took a couple of Cheez-Its. "How did you do on Mr. Hart's pop quiz?" she asked.

"Terrible. I got a high D. I wasn't really thinking clearly when I was taking it. How'd you do?"

"One hundred percent. The only one in his class," Brooke smiled.

"That's great," Bobbo tried to look out over the crowd. "I'm gonna go grab more food."

"But there's plenty here on the plate," Brooke said.

"I want more," Bobbo said and ran off back to the other side of the cafeteria. "I'm back. Everyone says 'Hey,'" Bobbo breathed.

"Where's your plate?" Michelle asked.

"Oh," Bobbo slapped his forehead. "I left it over there. Oh, well, I'll just get a new one."

"That's a waste of food. I'll go grab it. Where'd you leave it?" Michelle said.

"No! Please don't!" Bobbo shouted.

"You are excellent at this," Max chuckled, shoving a cookie into his mouth.

"What's wrong?" Michelle asked.

"Nothing, I just..." Bobbo didn't know what to say. "There's plenty of food here and I'm sure someone over there will eat it."

"So bad," Max shook his head.

"Hi, Michelle. Hi, Max," Brooke suddenly appeared through the crowd of people with the plate full of food. "Bobbo, help me eat this. You don't need to get another plate."

"You gave your plate to Brooke?" Michelle asked.

"You should start backing away toward the door," Max bent down and said in Bobbo's ear.

"What's going on?" Michelle asked. "Did you ask Brooke to the dance but still agreed to go with me?"

"No, no, no. Of course not," Bobbo defended.

"I asked him to go with me," Brooke said. "Did he ask you?"

"No, I asked him."

"When'd you ask him?"

"World geography, sixth hour."

"I asked between sixth and seventh."

"Run," Max whispered.

"So you asked him first," Brooke said. "I'm sorry. I never would've asked Bobbo if I had known."

"Yeah, that's probably something Bobbo should have mentioned," Michelle crossed her arms and both she and Brooke turned to look at Bobbo.

"We were just going as friends," Bobbo said.

"So you won't mind if we hang out with other boys?" Michelle shrugged.

"No, of course not. Go. Have a ball," Bobbo said.

"Come on, Brooke. I know this boy who doesn't have a bone in the top part of his pointer finger," Michelle took Brooke's arm and began pulling her away.

Bobbo took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "That went better than expected."

"What a weird girl," Max said.

Billy: Not Caring About Making a Wallet Since 1979

So are we to believe that this 500-pound cannonball is now embedded in his body? His ribs are now just tiny shards shredding what's left of his organs. Fun strip today.

Mary Worth
How much vicodin did this doctor give Tommy? He's only been taking vicodin two days and we've already seen him pop around 11 pills into his mouth. The doctor couldn't have given him more than one week's worth, right?

As the father of a teenager, I approve this comic strip.

The Amazing Spider-Man
I'm not familiar with this Egghead guy, it just makes me wonder why they couldn't use the Kingpin/Wilson Fisk.

Family Circus
We've been noting that Jeff just recycles his father's panels, does minor edits to them and then ships them off to the syndicate when he's ready for a vacation. This panel is no different. I swear I have this panel in one of my Family Circus books. In fact, I know when this strip first appeared: August 17, 1979. See?

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Tauy Creek Digest #20: Hoppy

Hoppy had been in my life for nearly twenty years, through everything. We had moved to a small house outside of Perth, Australia to live out the rest of our lives. Seven years ago, a charismatic lion of a man was elected in my home country of Shmand vowing to bring everyone together. His presidential acceptance speech extolled the virtues of the country but suddenly placed the blame of all of our problems on the Genies. Genies were people with natural-born magical abilities. We were known throughout Shmand, and well-respected with our rabbits at our sides. His administration made practicing magic illegal, made Genies less than human through a congressional amendment, and ordered the slaughter of our rabbits. Hoppy and I survived thanks to beloved friends but we all knew that it wouldn't last. The administration created an internment camp that all Genies had to relocate to. Our rabbits were locked in cages, we didn't know what would happen to them, and we were placed in shackles to keep us from using our magic. We all knew that sooner or later, we would die in that place.

We were sent to work in the camp, mostly working on things that would end up in the camp. I became close friends with my cellmates, Hans Giordano and Vinton Schultz, and we talked all the time about our lives before the camp. Much to my surprise and thankfulness, I also became friends with one of the guards, Corporal Alexander Ludwig. Cpl. Ludwig even assigned me a very cushy job working behind a desk in the admission gate. I got to meet a lot of higher-ups in the administration and witness a lot of Genies be brought in like I was. It was that job that I overheard the plans for our demise.

"They're going to kill us," I said to Hans and Vinton at lunch two days after I heard the news.

"What? How do you know?" Hans was floored.

"I overheard Ludwig and other officers talking about it," I explained. "I don't think they knew I was listening."

"When are they going to do it? How?" Vinton breathed.

"I don't know when but they are going to bomb the camp. They said that they have most of the Genies here, any that are still free will just be found and shot," I said. "We have to get out of here."

"But how?" Vinton asked.

"And what about our rabbits?" Hans' rabbit, Beauregard had been with him since he was four, a lot earlier than a lot of Genies. "We need to rescue them."

"Are they all even still alive?" Vinton asked.

"They are," I said. "That giant building in the northeast of the camp is where they are. Nearly one million rabbits all trapped in cages not even the size of this tray," I banged my empty lunch tray on the table.

"How do we get them out? And then, how do we get out?" Hans whispered.

"I can check the roster and see if there are any Genies who work at or near the rabbit lockup. We need to figure out a way to remove our shackles or get our magic to work through them. That's not going to be easy."

"I was talking with a couple other Genies and they had a theory. They wondered that if a large group of us could channel our magic, maybe we could break the bonds that way," Hans revealed. "We should meet up with them and tell them what's going to happen. Maybe we can test out their theory."

"Sounds good," I said. "Who were they?"

Gideon Flank and Cicely Comstock stood with Hans, Vinton and me in a circle in their cell. "Channel your magic through your body to your hands," Gideon said and we all took each others hands. We did what he said and soon the book that was laying in the middle of our circle began floating, just a few inches off the ground, but floating. We got the book to raise about waist-high when Gideon spoke again. "And stop. It's hard but it works. Imagine nearly a million Genies holding hands and doing that."

So we had our plan. It all had to be perfectly timed. We had a guy who swept the rabbit warehouse who would release them, I would sound the camp alarm causing the guards to scramble, that would be signal for the Genies to get into position in a circle and hold hands. We knew some may not make it but everyone seemed willing to take that chance. As the klaxon sounded, chaos erupted. Genies were screaming and gunshots echoed through the camp. Rabbits were scurrying everywhere to find their owners.

The Genies gathered in a circle, holding hands, and began channeling their magic. Some were shot right there in the circle but we kept going. As more Genies joined the circle, something started happening. The ground began splitting open and crumbling into the ocean. Rabbits jumped on our shoulders to save themselves. Guards and officers fell with the ground and into the water. But we took our magic further and all of Shmand began crumbling and sliding into the ocean.

We were free but at the cost of our homes and millions of people. Survivors all went their separate ways. I, and Hoppy, settled in Australia where we lived quietly, never mentioning our previous life. All had been peaceful until one afternoon there was a knock on the door.

I answered the door and saw two policemen on my porch. "Sir, we have reports that you have a rabbit in your possession," one of them said. "It's illegal to bring outside fauna into Australia--even rabbits. If you do have a rabbit, I need you to relinquish it."

"I'm not going to lie, I do have a rabbit," I said. "But I can't give it up."

"Sir, unless you are a magician you can't keep your rabbit."

I looked at the officers and then behind me to Hoppy who was sitting on the back of my couch. I sighed and stepped outside with the officers. I hadn't used my powers since destroying my homeland. I had vowed never to use them again and many other Genies vowed the same thing. I looked at my hand and then began waving it around.

Richard Thompson, 1957 - 2016

I began reading Richard Thompson's Cul de Sac toward the end of its run. I had started seeing a lot about it after Thompson won the Reuben for best cartoonist in 2011 and decided to check it out. Like everyone else, I fell in love with it and was saddened to see it come to an end in 2012 due to Thompson's battle with Parkinson's disease. Sadly, Thompson passed away yesterday at the age of 58. He had spent his retirement from cartooning advocating for a cure to Parkinson's. He worked with other cartoonists to get donations and funding and was even able to get reclusive Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson to not only re-enter the public spotlight but paint a portrait of Thompson's character Petey Otterloop.

Thompson had the rare distinction of being placed with Charles Schulz and Watterson as one of the most inspirational cartoonists of our time. Cul de Sac was as highly regarded as Peanuts and the art as unique as Calvin and Hobbes. It is sad that we won't be able to see Thompson triumphantly come out of retirement but we are glad that he is out of pain and that he may rest in peace.

The first Cul de Sac strip. September 10, 2007.

The last Cul de Sac strip. September 23, 2012.
The Lockhorns
Leroy and Loretta sure do like to smash things. Yesterday, it was the car. Today, the washing machine. I can only assume that Leroy is carrying the dryer someplace to throw it off a cliff.

Beetle Bailey
Why is it taking Beetle so long to realize that his watch isn't under there? His bed is the only thing in a twenty foot radius. You can literally stand five feet away and see everything under and around that bed.

Mark Trail
Pfft. I'm from Kansas and we have people greeting us by blowing conch shells as you drive up to our hotels too.

New Adventures of Queen Victoria

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Tauy Creek Digest #19: The City Band Concert

Rebekah Ames walked with Ely Jones into Garfield Park where the annual city band concert was about to commence. She had a camera around her neck while Ely had a notepad and pen in his left hand. Every year the city band concert drew hundreds of people. It had started out small but had grown to become an all-day festival with vendors, games, contests, and many other things to see and do.

"So we're just here to get some pictures and some quotes?" Rebekah asked. Rebekah had just graduated to be a photojournalist and she was hired by her local newspaper to be the photographer for the lighter side of the city. Ely had been with the paper for several years and was doing the same thing but he wanted to do it. Rebekah wanted to be a featured photographer going to crime scenes and political events but knew she had to work her up to get there.

"Yep. Just get pictures of people having fun. I'm going to grab some quotes from people and describe the scenery and then we can just enjoy the concert," Ely said.

Rebekah began taking pictures of children playing, couples sitting on blankets, people eating, and crowds. She also got pictures of the gazebo where the concert would be held and scenic views of the park to showcase the beautiful day. She took down the names of the individuals that she photographed into a note-taking app on her phone and quickly typed down possible captions for the pictures. As the sun went down and the concert began, she took pictures of the band on the gazebo and even went up on the gazebo to get a picture of the crowd.

Her pictures were going to be showcased in a two page spread in the middle of the local section of the paper. Each page would have five pictures surrounding text that Ely had written. She spent the next couple of hours at the newspaper, editing and formatting the pictures she took and trying to decide which ten of the nearly one hundred she took would be included. The ones she chose featured kids with their face painted or eating, a couple crowd shots with the limestone courthouse and red brick city hall in the background, two men shaking hands with big smiles on their faces in front of a crowd of people, a shot of the band from the gazebo looking over the crowd and pictures that gave you a sense of what the atmosphere was like. She sent the information she had for each picture and went home for the night.

The next morning, Rebekah arrived at work and saw the newsroom bustling. She took a copy of the newspaper that staffers got for free and went to her desk to look at the spread from the concert. As she began opening the paper, the editor came up to her desk. "Rebekah, did you know what was going on when you took that picture?"

Rebekah raised an eyebrow. "What picture? From the concert?"

The editor took the paper from her and laid the spread out on her desk and pointed to the picture of two guys shaking hands. "That's city councilman Geoffrey Farmer shaking hand with local developer Doug Hopkins."

"I know. Ely told me because I forgot to grab their names," Rebekah said. "What about them?"

"We got a call this morning that they were shaking hands because they just made a deal for Hopkins to buy property over on 17th Street to build a hotel and commercial plaza. Hopkins is going to ask the city council tonight for tax abatements. The property is owned by a relative of Farmer's and Farmer stands to gain a tidy profit from the sale and investment into Hopkins idea."

"Wouldn't this be like Farmer taking a bribe? Or close to it anyway?" Rebekah asked.

"Yeah," he nodded. "And you got proof."

"I didn't hear them talk about anything though," Rebekah said. "I just took a picture of two guys enjoying the park."

"The caller told us and we looked into it. Everyone we talked to basically said the same thing. Hopkins was going to massively overpay for the property, Farmer was going to get a small profit from his relative from the sale, Farmer was also going to convince the rest of the council to approve the tax abatements, Hopkins wouldn't have to pay taxes on that property, Farmer would then invest in the plaza, and both parties make a decent amount of money. And you took the picture that will damage both of their reputations."

The editor was ecstatic and walked away. Rebekah just stared and then looked back at the picture. "It was just a city band concert..."

I Think the Daily Bugle Website Is a Hodge-Podge of Ill-Used HTML and CSS

The Amazing Spider-Man
Aww, he's such a pleasant criminal mastermind. That's all I need to know about him. Welcome to the Daily Bugle, maybe you can help make our website user-friendly.

Mary Worth
I've never been addicted to anything but is this how it works? He got addicted in, like, twelve hours. In another twelve hours, will she come home to find him writhing on the floor or comatose?

The Lockhorns
Are Loretta's legs bandaged up? Leroy is so mad about the car that he can't see that his wife's legs were nearly shattered in the accident. Or he just doesn't care. Yeah, that one.

Family Circus
Oh, good, the Keanes paid the 49 cents postage due and...whoa! What is Thel wearing? How do I airbrush those melon-headed kids out of this?

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Tauy Creek Digest #18: Cellar Door

Kevin opened his locker between classes and saw a bag hanging in it that he had never seen before. He grabbed it and opened it. Inside was a bag of trail mix, a hunting knife, an old fashioned key, and a rectangular block of glass. Kevin was confused by what he was seeing and started putting the bag back in his locker. Suddenly a noise came from the bag, like someone tapping rhythmically on a coconut. He pulled the rectangular block of glass out and saw that it now read UNKNOWN and SLIDE TO ANSWER. Taking his finger, Kevin slid across the screen and held the block to his ear. "Hello?"

"Kevin, a map is on this phone in the photos app. Take the bag and begin walking where the map tells you. Use the knife for protection and the trail mix for sustenance. When you get to where you are going, use the key to unlock the door. Take the bag, Kevin, go," and the phone hung up.

Kevin looked at the blank screen of what he now figured was a phone. Taking the bag, he closed his locker door, and headed out of school. Kevin pressed the button in the bottom center of the phone and the screen lit up showing several small squares. He tapped the square for photos and found the map. It came up small and blurry, Kevin used his finger to move the map around and then figured out how to zoom in and out. The map was a topographic map and followed a road leading from the school out of town and then to what was the location of an old ghost town.

"Why do I need a knife for protection?" he wondered out loud to himself but headed to his car and drove to where the map said to go and parked where the road ended and a narrow trail went off into the woods. Kevin got out of his car, slung the bag on his shoulder, glanced at the phone, and headed into the woods.

Kevin walked through for nearly an hour through the woods which led into a clearing. He stopped and looked at the map. He ahead to where he was supposed to go, sighed heavily, and continued walking. He came to a burned out house near an inaccessible part of the river. He looked at the map and saw that this was where he should be going. The house was unlivable. Unusable. He took the key out of the bag and went up to the front door of the house. It was a newer door so the key was nowhere close to fitting. Kevin went around the house and found a cellar that seemed untouched by time. The old fashioned key fit perfectly into the cellar door's keyhole. He turned the key and the lock engaged easily and the door unlocked with a click.

Kevin pulled the doors open and opened them wide. He stared into the darkness, past the chipped and crumbling stone stairs. Kevin took a deep breath and began descending the stairs and going into the darkness. As he reached the dirt floor of the cellar, a loud buzz went off.

Kevin woke up back in class with his friend, Shane, shaking his arm. "Hey, man, class is over. It's time for lunch."

"I'm in school? I had the weirdest dream," Kevin said, grabbing his backpack and standing up. "There was this bag in my locker with food, a key, and some sort of futuristic phone in it. I was supposed to find this house in the middle of nowhere and go down into the cellar. I was just about there when the bell rang and woke me up."

"Ah, that sucks. I hate when a good dream is interrupted," Shane said. "I'm heading to lunch."

"I'll be there soon. I'm going to drop off my backpack." Kevin went to his locker and opened it. He saw a bag hanging in it that he had never seen before. He smiled big as he grabbed and opened it. Inside was, as he thought, a bag of trail mix, a hunting knife, an old fashioned key, and a rectangular block of glass. He grabbed the phone and waited and within seconds, it rang. UNKNOWN and SLIDE TO ANSWER came on the screen and Kevin excitedly slid his finger across the glass. "Hello?" he answered.

"Kevin, a map is on this phone in the photos app. Take the bag and begin walking where the map tells you. Use the knife for protection and the trail mix for sustenance. When you get to where you are going, use the key to unlock the door. Take the bag, Kevin, and go," and the phone hung up.

Randy #7

Kate Wilson got along with everybody when they were in high school. Probably because Kate loved getting intoxicated on whatever was available and then doing things that required as little clothing as possible. During her four years of high school, there was a joke that if you hadn’t slept with Kate Wilson by the time you graduated, they held you back until you did. While Kate did get around, she wasn’t as promiscuous as her reputation led you to believe. Part way through her senior year, at a party, she had passed out. She was dead to the world but not to some of the party-goers. They positioned her bent over a bed sans pants and used her repeatedly. No one knows how many guys had used her but as she groggily woke up and realized what had happened, she knew things had to change.

The parties slowed down, as did the drinking, and most of her nights and weekends were relegated to just staying home, usually with Chrissy, who was her best friend. After graduation, Kate disappeared and hadn’t been seen by any of her classmates since.

“So how are you doing?” Kate asked, breathing heavily, as she sat on Chrissy’s couch.

“I’m doing good. How are you? What happened after graduation? What have you been doing?”

“Oh, just living life. I moved out east and have just been enjoying my time out there,” Kate said.

“Then why are you back here. Looking upset or worried?” Chrissy asked.

“I had to leave. There was this guy causing trouble for me so I had to get out of there.”

“Are you in danger? If you’re being hurt, you need to call the police. Like you should’ve done our senior year when you passed out and were gangbanged,” Chrissy reminded.

“We don’t know what really happened and we all know nothing would’ve been done. Besides, it’s kind of a fantasy I go back to once in awhile,” Kate smiled.

Chrissy rolled her eyes. “You should get some sleep. You can take my bed and I can sleep on the couch…”

“No, please. I’ll sleep on the couch. I don’t want to put you out. Besides, you getting a good night sleep is more important than me getting one. You have a job after all,” Kate said. “Are you still in touch with Jess, Randy, and Brian?” she asked.


“Can we get together with them tomorrow? For dinner?”

“I’ll call and ask them tomorrow but it shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Great. It’ll be nice to see them all.”

“It is amazing to see you,” Brian said as he hugged Kate. “What have you been doing over the last 14 years?”

“This and that,” she smiled. “Mostly working to be honest. I worked at an oxygen supply place, a nursing home, customer service, of course. What do you do?”

“I’m a mortician. I get dead bodies ready for burial,” Brian said. “I took my love of the macabre to its natural conclusion.”

“Weird,” Kate said. “At least you’re doing something you love. I wish I could find a job like that. Honestly, I would like to find anything that I love.”

“Now that you’re back maybe you can work on that. You’re staying with Chrissy?”

“Yeah, at least until I get a job and can move into my own place.” Randy came into the bar with Jackson following behind. They joined the group of friends. Kate hugged Randy around his neck with her free arm. “Randy, you gay bastard. How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“Getting better,” Kate smiled. “Hey, I read your book. It was very good. I loved it. Are you working on another?”

“No. I’m taking a break from writing for awhile. I’m working at a grocery store right now. This is Jackson, I work with him,” Randy introduced.

“Hi, Jackson. I’m Kate,” she shook his hand.

“Nice to meet you,” Jackson said. Kate walked away and Jackson turned to Randy. “You wrote a book?”

Randy sighed. “It’s a long story. I’ll tell you later.”

“Jackson, huh?” Jess came up to them. “Are you two together?”

“No, we’re just friends,” Randy corrected. “We became fast friends and I wanted to introduce him to my other friends.”

“Good, now maybe you can bother him instead of gloming onto us all the time,” Brian joked.

“I will gladly take Randy off your hands as long as he tells me about his book,” Jackson said. “In excruciating detail.”

“Yeah,” Chrissy smiled. “Leave no detail untold, Randy.”

Randy blushed and Brian called for a couple of drinks to be brought over. “Okay, fine. The entire story of the rise and fall of Randy Brubaker’s writing career,” Randy began.

The Postman Is So Done With This Route

Is she always this dumb?

Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids
The only pet the Murdock's had who cared about their well-being was their loyal goldfish. Alas, the fish could not do anything to help because he was a fish and trapped in that bowl.

Family Circus
"What's the price of a stamp these days? Why can't stamps stay the same price? I'm getting tired of having to white-out the price on this panel every five to seven years." -Jeff Keane, three weeks ago.

I came of age on the cusp of cell phones and the abandonment of pay phones. The last time I used a pay phone, I was trying to get ahold of a friend to go hang out and I was trying to screw the collect call people by using the phone number to the pay phone instead of a name. It didn't work so I very quickly after that got a cell phone.

The Lockhorns
What show is Leroy binging on? House of Cards? I can't tell if that's a good Kevin Spacey based on the other art in the panel or a terrible Kevin Spacey based on other caricatures.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Tauy Creek Digest #17: Suicide At 35

Dear Citizen, the letter read, Congratulations on making it to the age of 35. As you know, persuant to Constitutional Amendment 117 sub-section 3, you are hereby ordered to terminate your life by August 3, 21XX at 11:59 P.M. An agent will check on you after midnight on August 4. If you fail or refuse to carry out what is required, our agent will carry out the law himself.

"Well, I don't like that," I said, pacing in the front room.

"You knew it was coming," my roommate Oscar said. "Mine is coming up in November."

"And we're supposed to fine with it?"

"It's to keep the planet from plummeting into famine and to keep government costs down," Oscar reminded. "We all voted on it."

"The vote was 50 years ago. No one who cast a vote on it is alive anymore," I explained. "Well, I refuse to do it."

"You can't. Their agent will just do it, and it probably won't be painless like you could make it. You might as well just do it. Or, better yet, I'll do it."

"How would I do it? Just leave? Go into hiding?"

"That sounds terrible. You would just live the woods? Somehow I think you doing that would just end up being suicide," Oscar laughed.

"So you're not going to help?" I asked him.

"No one has ever been able to live longer than four hours past turning 35, you know," Oscar said.

"I know. I should just accept my fate. How should I do it?"

"I've had several friends slit their wrists. My sister swallowed pills and went to sleep. I knew a couple who just blew their brains out," Oscar explained. "I'm thinking of doing pills."

"What if I set myself on fire? Would it take the government agent that comes to check on you a while to verify if it's me? It'd be nice if I could make my death as complicated as possible for them."

"I don't know. They'd probably just find the chip they implant in you at birth," Oscar said.

"What if I pry the chip out? How long would identification take?"

"You are really thinking about this too much," Oscar said.

"I am spending the exact amount of time someone should think about something like this," I said. "35 is barely enough time to do anything. I'm still single and living with a roommate. I work a crappy job in a strip mall."

"You should take a vacation and kill yourself on the vacation," Oscar said. "One last hurrah."

"Maybe," I thought out loud. "Why couldn't the age limit be 50? That makes more sense."

"Just stop," Oscar said. "You can't get out of it so why are you complaining? This is beyond our control. You can't run. You can't hide. Just buckle down and do it."

I nodded and walked into my bedroom. I watched a movie, rubbed one out, and then broke apart one my disposable razors to get to the blade. I still had a week but what was the point? I moved a trash can close to my bed and dangled my arm over the edge. Taking the razor blade, I pressed the corner into my skin, piercing it, drawing blood, and slowly dragged it down my wrist. It hurt but not as much as I thought it would. I closed my eyes, feeling the blood stream out into the trash can, the pain slightly throbbing, and waited for the end.

I awoke on the playground to my elementary school, playing with the friends I had at that time. We ran around like idiots, screaming and laughing as we went from the jungle gym to the slide to the monkey bars to the castle tower. It was here that I was always at my happiest and everything was as clear as day. Everything was as I remembered it and I wondered if this was my Heaven. All of our thoughts and memories are saved into the chip implanted in us at birth. Does it activate our happy memories at death so we each have our own personal Heaven?

As me and my friends ran around the playground, I put on those awful orange, purple, and green sunglasses I used to always wear. I used them when I wanted to say I had vision powers when we were pretending to be superheroes. We continued running around like morons, making laser noises and explosions with our mouths. Maybe committing suicide at 35 wasn't that big of a deal after all.

Do You Think They Mean 'Ed Crankshaft'? Nah. *throws away letter*

You do know your grandfather's name, right? I mean, it's not as memorable as Manford Laverne but you should know that Ed Crankshaft went by Eddie when he was younger.

Ten Cats
And urine. Don't forget to pee on it.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

All Hail Vicodin

Hi, this is a comic strip saying that a father didn't show his son pornography when he was a child. Have a great Sunday, everyone! Bye!

Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids
"Max, you're puzzles are terrible. I barely even had to try with this one. Now, my girlfriend, your girlfriend, and I are going to head to that lighthouse. I've always wanted to do it in a lighthouse."

Mary Worth
Karen Moy and company are making vicodin sound amazing. I want to take some vicodin and experience what Tommy is feeling. Vicodin: It's Makes Everything Better!

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Liberty #61: Pineapple & Banana

This is the city. Redemption City. Built in the Middle East as an apology for western colonization after World War III, there are a million stories in this city and this will be one of them. It was two in the morning and most of the city was asleep but the Northern Karaj Harbor was bustling with activity. In one of the warehouses, two men, one with a handtruck approached a massive crate surrounded by five other men.

“That’s a big crate,” one said.

“Filled with the finest drugs in the Middle East,” the one with the handtruck said. “Let’s take a peek and make sure our cargo is still intact.”

They pried open the lid to the crate and moved the various fruits covering the drugs to the side. “They look safe to me,” the one chuckled. “That’s some big-ass fruit in there.” The man looked away to grab the lid.

“Yeah, like you’re so petite,” a voice said, coming from the crate.

The two men looked down and saw a pineapple and banana pointing guns at them. “You’re under arrest for drug trafficking” the banana said. Other officers began rushing into the warehouse surrounding the men and the crate.

“Good work, you two,” Chief Morse said as he bent down to shake Pineapple and Banana’s hands. “This definitely puts a dent in the Great Pumpkin’s empire.”

“Maybe for a day. Within 24 hours, he’ll have twice as many drugs as this out on the street,” Pineapple said, despondent.

“We’ll get him, Piney. This is a huge start,” Banana said.

“In other cases, there’s one that we would like you to take a look into,” Morse said.

“What is it?”

“A missing person. I’ll give you the details when we get back to City Center.”

“Missing person?” Pineapple asked. “Special Detectives don’t handle missing persons.”

“They do when the missing person is brown,” Morse said as he walked away.

Decades ago, when Persia was created from the ruins of war-torn Iran, Iraq, Turkmenistan, and Afghanistan, the constitution included preference to Islam. Persia was split at the Karaj River into West Persia and East Persia. One government controlled the country as a whole but each side had their own governments but appointed delegates for the country to serve as the overseeing government. The chain of command was further complicated by the President and Congress of the United States being very involved despite Persia being a wholly sovereign country. The preference to Islam was given, again, as an apology.

“So who are we looking for?” Banana asked.

“Shanzay Younan. 17-years-old,” Morse handed Banana a picture. “She’s been missing for a little more than a week. Local police has told the parents that they are looking and investigating but the parents aren’t so sure.”

“Local police?” Pineapple questioned. “She didn’t go missing in Redemption City, did she?”

“Nope. Mieville.”

“Is that even in our jurisdiction?” Banana asked.

“We cover all of the District of Wisconsin and Mieville is in Wisconsin,” Morse said. “You are going to have help on this case.”

“Help? Why would we need help?” Pineapple asked.

“Mieville is a small town and they may not take lightly to answering questions from pineapple and banana detectives from Redemption City,” Morse explained.

“Who is it?”

“Caitlyn Bilko. She just transferred from New Assyria.”

“Bilko. Where do I know that name?” Pineapple thought.

“Probably from my father,” a voice said. “His picture is hanging in the hall of heroes on the way to department.”

“Edmond Bilko, of course,” Pineapple said.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Banana said, extending his hand to Caitlyn and using his charming voice.

“Nice to meet you, too,” Caitlyn accepted.

“Here. Let me get you the case file,” Morse said. Caitlyn stepped toward the desk.

Behind Caitlyn, Pineapple smacked Banana on the arm. What are you doing? he mouthed.

What? She’s cute, Banana mouthed back.

Just because you are shaped like a dick doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

Banana was taken aback. How dare you, sir. I did not choose how I look.

“Are you two coming up with a strategy for looking for this girl?” Caitlyn asked, noticing their gesturing and mouthing words.

“Yeah,” Banana said. “Just bouncing ideas off each other.”

He Murdered Someone for Those

Hagar the Horrible
I love the look of panic on Lucky Eddie in the second panel. "Oh, no! She doesn't like earrings!! If I lose her then how will I be able to fulfill my fetish of the top half of a woman and the bottom half of a fish?"

I'm going to be honest. Zombies are the stupidest movie monsters. Nothing about them makes sense and I find it hard to believe that something that shambles around could be perceived as a threat. As for what is the superior era of movie. That's all opinion. My school of thought is that the classic horror movies had to do more with less. They were able to accomplish a lot of things with limited technology and, in a lot of cases, limited money. Modern horror movies rely on 'jump-out-your-seat' moments and use technology to impress the audience and, to me, that causes the writing to suffer. Bottom line, in my opinion, classic movies are better but there are a lot of modern movies that are really well done.