Wednesday, August 31, 2022

Yet Another Born Loser Where I Don't Want to Read the Comments

May 15, 1974
Wait. So these aliens have the names Elmer and Bruce? Not Klaxor and Gimmple or Sleegix and ꝈꟽꝚꜰⱺȝƺ? This kind of information makes my theory on the existence of aliens a bit more interesting.

And to the aliens: It is not Earth's responsibility to fix your horniness. Don't you have places and things and whatever at Alpha Centauri? Huh. Is Elmer attracted to Brutus? That's very progressive for a comic strip in 1974.

Luckily, starting October 1st, you can fill out an application to get up to $20,000 forgiven on your student loans. Then you can use that money to start Wilberforce a college fund because, let's face it, Wilberforce definitely ain't gettin' no scholarship. Heck, he might not even make it to college but we'll break the bad news when he's a bit older.

Tuesday, August 30, 2022

Just Let Him Stare Off Into Space

May 9, 1974
Oh, I don't think the police are going to get there in time. Honestly, it would probably be easier, and definitely quicker, to just make a lot of noise and run downstairs and hope the burglar gets scared and runs off.

So The Born Loser is based in Littleliversville, Ohio? No, I don't like that name. I'm just going to go back to thinking they live in a real suburb of Cleveland like Chagrin Falls or Garfield Heights or North Royalton. (Why are so many suburbs of Cleveland "Something Heights"?)

Huh. Kind of like if you call the local police department.

I don't understand, and will probably never understand, why Mother Gargle just can't leave Brutus alone. Shut up. You're not so great yourself.

Monday, August 29, 2022

Used Cars Are Expensive Right Now. Can You Really Afford One?

May 1, 1974
Why would Brutus be late when it rains. He was at the bottom of the goddamn ocean the other day and seemed to be making it to work okay. He can make it to work during a flood of biblical proportions but not when rain is in the forecast.

What do they need a second car for? Brutus takes the bus to work most of the time leaving the car at the house for Gladys to use.

And I get it, gas prices are kind of high right now. The joke still could've been "...if you don't mind not eating anymore." Or, " will give us a second bedroom when we can't pay for the house." And my personal favorite, "...if you have no qualms selling Wilberforce to some shady people."

Sunday, August 28, 2022

Our First Kiss Was During 'Sweet Caroline'

November 11, 1984
Just because he works in a health food store, doesn't mean he uses the products he sells.

I'm just gonna say it: We just can't come up with fake words to use as fake names like we used to. Boots Kettledrum is just so perfect. Nowadays, we all try to be too clever by half and come up names that obviously sound fake or are some sort of double entendre.

And you know "Boots" is a nickname and that his real, full name is Alexander Winstead Kensington Beauregard Kettledrum III.

I find it hard to believe that Mother Gargle didn't know where Gladys and Brutus went on their first date. I also don't think that going to a baseball game is a bad first date. There's no pressure, it's out in public so it's safe, and you can talk to each other during the boring parts of the game--which is like 70% of it.

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Saturday, August 27, 2022

It's Surprising Seeing Brutus Do This

April 29, 1974
Did people used to do this back then? I'm talking about going to a park to specifically feed the birds, not sleeping on the park bench because I know that happens. One of the few things that hasn't changed in this country in almost 50 years.

I am 99% sure that this isn't Wastrel Gravesite.

It's scientifically proven blah-blah-blah. You've probably seen the meme. It also tastes better being diagonal. I can't explain it--no one can--it just does.

Friday, August 26, 2022

Kewpie's Still a Male

February 12, 1974
I don't think those umbrellas are working.

Had Art done snow (it is February, probably mid- to late January when this was drawn) it would've been easier to draw.

Those fish are totally going to try and eat Brutus and that man, right?

They're doing that thing again where they stop talking just so we can see what Kewpie is thinking like we're in a sitcom and taking a pause so they can add in the laugh track.

They didn't know it was Dog Day, Kewpie, so they don't have the ingredients to make a dog-friendly cake. I suggest horking up something on the floor to punish them.

Thursday, August 25, 2022

Yet the Umpires and Coaches Allowed the Team to Rack Up 17 Points In One Inning

December 3, 1973
Gladys seems really proud of little flower garden, here. Is the joke that she stole these shopping carts from the grocery store down the street? Or did she steal the carts and the flowers? If that's the case then she is way too happy and needs to find professional help.

I rag on Wilberforce a lot because he's not a very good player, and it's well deserved, but his teammates aren't very good players either. This makes the stories about the abuse he takes from his team much more wrong.

Wednesday, August 24, 2022

Brutus Didn't Even Say Anything. He Just Walked Into the Room

November 18, 1973
Does this mean that Veeblefester also does janitorial duty? I highly doubt that.

Also, Brutus is bad at his regular job. Why would you think he'd be any good at sweeping floors?

"I'll have you know, Gladys thinks I am very witty!" I feel asleep just reading that. I even read it in Hank Hill's voice. "Gladys thinks I am very witty, I tell you hwhat!"

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Is This Another April Fool's Joke?

September 26, 1973
I wonder what's in that spray can? It's 1973 so you know whatever it is is probably going to make Brutus sick.

Why is Gladys charging in there all angry? If the can is broken, how's Brutus going to help?

How much is a serving? Either way, it's too expensive. Again, I've warned you about eating shrimp at this diner and unless that $30 includes some kind of health insurance to pay for my doctor bill when I inevitably get sick then it is not worth it.

Monday, August 22, 2022

I Admire That Brutus Gets His Coffee at Home

January 21, 1975
Yeah, cuz Brutus is so desirable. The important question is 'is she happy?' Maybe I'm just a bleeding heart moron but I would like my exes to be happy with their life. You definitely don't need me in your life to be happy.

But it's so early in the morning. Another cup isn't going to kill you.

So how does Chip figure out when Gladys gets curlers and when she doesn't?

Sunday, August 21, 2022

Only Thornapples In the Building

Only Murders In the Building has been mentioned here before, albeit a bit more vaguely than in today's strip. Or maybe less vaguely. Before it was "people who solve murders in their apartment" and here it's "the two older guys and young woman who solve mysteries". Anyway, all 10 episodes of the second season of Only Murders In the Building, starring Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez, are streaming now only on Hulu. (Give me money, Hulu.)

How about you watch two or three episodes, digest them, then watch another two or three? Or maybe Brutus should get his memory tested.

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Saturday, August 20, 2022

Summer Math, Part 3

"Calculating the exact amount of time until some event happens"? No one talks like that. Also, it's Wilberforce. He can't calculate nothing! Is this some situation like with Kevin in The Office where he can't do math unless it's with pies only it's days until school begins?

"How many school days until Christmas?" "79." "Okay, how many days until Christmas?" "Um...1, 2, 4...Uh, carry the 3...The numbers just don't work."

Friday, August 19, 2022

Mirror, Mirror, On the Door...

I don't have to talk about Gladys' hourglass shape or what she looks like upside down, do I?

I understand the want to feel attractive and all that but I also subscribe to the notion that you should love what you look like. Anyway, I guess the neighborhood kids have really been giving it to Gladys. And by neighborhood kids I mean Wilberforce and Hattie.

Thursday, August 18, 2022

It's Not Like the Employees At McDonald's Eat At McDonald's Every Day

Well, I can't wait around for the cook to get back from his thirty minute lunch.

I thought Brutus went to the diner on Main Street. I scrolled through the diner posts and couldn't find any proof they are on Main Street. Oak Street also springs to mind. I don't know. I've already spent way too much time getting to the bottom of this.

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Is She Tugging On His One Piece of Hair?

I don't understand why Brutus is so concerned about his hair. It's clear he's been balding and/or bald since his 20s. He should've started worrying about his hair a long, long time ago.

And if he's concerned with it thinning more then he should just shave it. His head would look exactly the same, just without the squiggles.

Tuesday, August 16, 2022

Sounds Like Something Someone Who's Never Been At the Top Would Say

I'd be fine, too. As long as I had my health, my solid gold house, rocket car, and and my millions of dollars, I wouldn't need anything else. I'm not greedy.

And Veeblefester is very well aware of himself. You'd think Arnie would know that after being with the Veeblefester Tea Cozy Corporation for almost ten years.

Monday, August 15, 2022

Can I Have Some? Your Cookies I Mean.

Get out of the way, Brutus! It looks like those cookies are burning!

I like chocolate chip cookies. Someone should give me some homemade chocolate cookies.

Sunday, August 14, 2022

America's Dumbest Sports Watchers

It is. It is a lot of trouble to go to just to skip commercials and maybe save fractions of a penny on your electric bill. I would also think the turning off and turning back on is worse than just leaving it on (or off).

Are you a true sports fan if you aren't constantly flipping through channels?

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Saturday, August 13, 2022

Are Quiet Hospital Zones Still a Thing?

January 14, 1975
I honestly believe this strip would be funnier just about any song besides a damn university fight song. Is it a rights thing? Wouldn't it be funnier if Hattie was screaming "In a gadda da vida, honey! Don't you know that I'm lovin' you..." or the current Billboard hit around the time this comic was probably drawn, "Everybody was kung-fu fighting! Your mind becomes fast as lightning..."

I like blueberry, too.

I can't imagine Hurricane Hattie liking yoga. I've seen people do yoga before and nothing about it screams "Hurricane Hattie should like this!"

By the way, this came in the mail today!
Hi Son

Friday, August 12, 2022

I Don't Want a Plant!

January 9, 1975
So Hurricane Hattie used to have parents. They must've got tired of her and just abandoned her. They look like typical parents alive in the 1970s.

I love the look the parents are giving each other. "Did you teach her about sex?" "No, did you?" "Of course not!" "Then where did she learn it?!" On the streets, of course. This is Hurricane Hattie we're talking about here.

We've been very Mother Gargle heavy this week. I don't like it.

Gladys doesn't want a damn plant. She's not going to take care about it so why are you wasting money on one? Because the plants that you have bring you joy and solace and give you a reason to wake up in the morning? Pfft. Whatever.

Thursday, August 11, 2022

Absolutely Nothing

January 3, 1975
We don't know where the term 'bob' came from for a shilling. Or maybe we do and it just didn't pop up when I was looking this up. The reason I looked it up was because I wanted to know how much a 'bob' was. It's one-twentieth of a pound. That's roughly five cents so this wager and phrase makes no sense.

So Mother Gargle's mood hasn't gotten better since yesterday. As if we expected it to.

"I sincerely want you to know, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you!"

"Are you coming on to me? You pervy horn dog! Wait until Gladys hears about this! And you're own mother-in-law, too! You're disgusting!"

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Give Her Time? No One Has That Kind of Time.

November 14, 1974
I can't believe that Veeblefester is indulging Brutus wanting to get his fortune told and not making fun of him for wasting his money on this stuff.

"This is why you never get a raise, because you just waste your money on scammers and hucksters."

Let's be fair, she's not having a mood swing, she's just making fun of you and treating you like trash. She's been a delight to Gladys and Wilberforce.

Tuesday, August 09, 2022

The Thornapple House Actually Has Books?

October 9, 1974
Just the same two notes over and over? I guess that's what I would do if I had a tuba.

Did Brutus buy or is he renting that tuba?

For Whom the Bell Tolls is better, in my opinion. The Great Gatsby is meh. I'd recommend something else. I would also choose the rambling magnum opus that is East of Eden than The Grapes of Wrath. But Dr. Seuss is good, too. A book is a book and don't let anyone tell you what you're reading is garbage or "doesn't count".

Monday, August 08, 2022

Check Out

August 14, 1974
A character that no longer appears is housekeeper/janitor Agnes. From what I've seen, Agnes has done some housekeeping at the Thornapples and at the Veeblefester Corporation. I don't know when Agnes made her last appearance but it's a character that Chip has seemingly dropped. I would assume it's because it's kind of hard to make an uneducated person just doing their job funny in these modern times.

Same reason Wastrel Gravesite has only made 13 appearances in the strip in the nearly 15 years I've been doing this.

Can we hurry this up? I feel like there's a line and neither of you seem to care. And yes I would like my groceries in two bags. It's clear you have my fresh vegetables next to my box of borax.

Sunday, August 07, 2022

Why Do Their Pajamas Match Their Bedding?

This is a strange dream? Now take away the refrigerator and you're left with some weird Blair Witch scenario. Now that's strange! Even Gladys' dream is stranger and hers was just about a light.

Hey, what happened to the porch?

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Saturday, August 06, 2022

They Couldn't Get a Cart With a Roof?

July 1, 1974
It seems dangerous to have a hot pot of coffee on a burner sitting on top of a file cabinet. But this is before OSHA or whatever so it's probably fine.

I mean, I would assume Brutus isn't going to keep score today since he's playing against his Uncle Ted. I would assume, but you know Brutus will be keeping score in his head. Suck it, Uncle Ted! I won!! he'll scream in his head, hoping the words don't actually come out.

Friday, August 05, 2022

Summer Math, Part 2

June 26, 1974
Good Lord. And I thought Mother Gargle looked bad these days. Yeesh!

Are those angry bubbles coming out of Mother Gargle or has she been drunk all weekend?

For me, it's more like the next day or the next week and I've forgotten it all. Luckily, I don't use math very often. And neither will you, kids!

Psst. Wilberforce. You don't have to do that math packet from yesterday. Again, the school has no power over you during the summer.

Thursday, August 04, 2022

Summer Math Is the Worst Math

I have made it over 100,000 words in my novel. For comparison, the last book I wrote was just over 62,000 words. I still have a bit to go and I know things will get added and removed when I go through editing. But at 100,082 words, Vagabond Girl is now the longest single thing I've written.

May 20, 1974
Hey, that's just Veeblefester in a fake mustache.

Kordiak sounds like the name of someone Art would know. Surely it can't be famed Anoka County, Minnesota county commissioner Albert Kordiak, but you never know.

I love that the wine was bottled this month.

What kind of fresh hell is this? Why are teachers sending out homework over summer break? Did this use to happen? She better not expect that pack of math problems to return to school or be graded because that's crap. I don't have to do this. You don't have any power over me.

Also, why you opening my mail, Ma? I know I'm 9 but I should have a reasonable expectation of privacy.