Let the MFer Burn

In an effort to write more humorous stories, back in 2006 or so, I began writing a long story about a very dysfunctional family. Inspired by Arrested Development and numerous other things, it told the story of Daniel Judge who had decided to cut off contact with his family after an unfortunate accident at a funeral. Daniel became pulled back into his family after his grandmother threatened to kill herself if the family didn't get back together.

It's one of my favorite stories and I even adapted it into a TV show (if anyone is interested) and planned four sequels to follow the initial story. Last year, I finally sat down and worked on writing and finishing the sequel. It is definitely not as long because I didn't want it to be and Daniel's family features very little in it, instead focusing on Daniel at work and another person threatening to commit suicide.

If I ever get around to the second and third sequel, those would be much longer as they would return focus to Daniel's family. Tomorrow, the sequel posts on Ko-fi. I'm going to do a couple of stories on there and see if there is any interest on me returning to writing short stories. If not, I'll just continue to write them for books and short story collections that may or may not see the light of day.

If you would like to read "Suicidal Tendencies" before the new story posts tomorrow, you can find it in the list of selected posts at the top or you can click below.

Part One   &   Part Two

June 16, 1965

This officer stood up to his sergeant and was exiled to the boonies. The incorporated boonies. Seriously, the Insertnamehereville Police Department stretches into the countryside? I mean, I guess there's a fire hydrant, but I feel this should be the sheriff's jurisdiction.

And then burn the house down.

Brutus, your plan could've been perfect and Veeblefester is never going to use it. And if he did, he would never, ever admit that you came up with the plan. It's all clearly spelled out in your employment contract.

Gumball Dumball

June 12, 1965

Seymour. Seymour the Native American. I mean, I guess it's possible. Seymour actually doesn't look that thrilled at possibly being married to the chief's daughter.

I just noticed that Seymour isn't going to chop the white man's head off. He's holding a club. He's going to bludgeon the white man.

He hasn't seen a gumball machine in years? Does Brutus never go anywhere? I think I can list off three places in my town that have gumball machines (candy store, barber shop, possibly the comic book store). There's got to be at least one in the mall. I think there's even one in one of our Walmarts. Does Brutus not go to Walmart?

Seems To Be

June 11, 1965

Ooh, I love the Lockhorns. This is the second time we've seen this couple and I know they appear in another sometime in June. The Lockhorns debuted in 1968 and I want to see if Bill Hoest got the idea for The Lockhorns from this couple in The Born Loser. Probably not, but it gives me something to do.

Veeblefester is happy because the Chiefs and 49ers won. Oh, wait, he's angry because the Chiefs and 49ers won.

That mask is horrifying.

H a p p y   K a n s a s   D a y

163   Years

A d   A s t r a   P e r   A s p e r a

Snow Blow

February 19, 1989

No offense, but who would kidnap Brutus? How much money do these kidnappers think they're going to get for Brutus? Maybe the Thornapples had more money back in the 1980s.

"I don't have to prove anything to you!" Brutus screams as he turns around and goes back home, learning his lesson about going outside. Hattie has done this before--dared Brutus to prove what he is saying--I'm just shocked that money's not involved this time.

The snowman in the background should've been another Brutus-esque one.

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I Used to Be With It

June 10, 1965

Your guess is as good as mine about this strip. Is it a large bird wearing a human skin suit? Is he wearing some sort of weird shoe? We may never know.

I don't like all the generational conflict that passes between the generations. We are all great in our own way and we all suck in our own way. I'm not going to take the bait of today's strip except to say that Brutus is Gen X.

Can You Backdate the Pink Slip?

June 9, 1965

You do not speak to George Washington like that! He is the Father of the Country and deserves respect! Although not too much respect because that's weird and he's not perfect and still problematic. Our leaders should not be untarnished because that is not how humans work and no one should be above legitimate criticism.

The painting was clearly focused on the time after Washington stopped stepping on this man's foot. I was originally going to say this man's name was probably William Cornelius Pierce Jellyby but I guess it's really Nathanael Greene.

I get the feeling that Veeblefester just hires people so he can fire them. I wonder if he allows them to collect their own belongings or does he have someone else do it thus leaving half their stuff still in their office or cubicle.

It's All Greek to Him

June 8, 1965

Art is going to blow up your house while you are on vacation.

Is this guy supposed to be something? Insurance agent or something? Or is he just a weirdo?

That's just the kind of joke Wilberforce doesn't understand.

I was in fourth grade and I never had to write a report on Greek mythology. It's like adults can never remember what they were actually taught in school and when. Like Charlie Brown having a read and write a book report on War and Peace. Yes, I get it's a joke, but still...

Restaurant Wednesday

June 4, 1965

Ha! He shot down one of his own people thus endangering not only the lives of his fellow men but the Allies as a whole! Ha!

I do not believe I've ever seen a swastika in a comic strip before. I mean, I don't think that's possible, but it's seems so jarring to me here. Maybe it's because there's six of them and not just one on a flag or something. But I am happy about the, at least, six dead Nazis.

June 5, 1965

Sure, it's a little in poor taste, but it's funny. I'm surprised Harold hasn't done this before. Maybe Clara is a new pig...

June 7, 1965

"Anticipation and excitement"? Calm down, sir, it's a suggestion box.

And if you are so gung ho about solving the water cooler dilemma (personally, I love water cooler talk) then why don't you figure out a solution?

January 22, 2024

Mr. Geste is good at his job. Brutus is not so of course he's not going to be treated like a rock star. I mean, Brutus is the star of a nationally syndicated comic strip and I never hear anything about it. It is a stalwart workhorse that never makes news. And it has me commenting on it nearly every day. Can't even get a decent person to make fun of it.

January 23, 2024

Kewpie when he/she wakes up.

Kewpie isn't even close to a sled dog. Quit making non-sled dogs sled dogs.

"Yeah, I guess you can. Will you also be getting an entrée? You will? Who am I to judge? Money is money."

Every Day I'm Shovelin'

January 1, 1989

Great. Now Brutus believes he has the power to tear the fabric of time and space. Now he's going to be trying to do stupid stuff like vibrate his way through brick walls, teleport, and moving traffic out of the way a la Bruce Almighty.

Fifty feet!!! How long is this sidewalk?

If you didn't know, I've been posted these comics on my social media. It's the same stuff that's posted here, just in a more sharable format. If you're on social media and would rather read this stuff that way, pick whichever one you use the most. While you're at it, support this site by buying me a cup of coffee on Ko-fi.

Cosplay

June 3, 1965

So much crime in this comic.

He's clearly at a costume party so why did the devil scare him? Devils don't exist. At least not in this form. They only exists as little creatures that appear on your shoulder. Everyone knows that.

Speaking of a costume party... I don't like how "cosplay" is used here. I mean, yes, Brutus is technically cosplaying but is it a cosplay party (are those a thing?) or is it just a costume party?

Trout Scout

June 2, 1965

Uh-oh! Like the Custer strip from a week ago, someone's gonna die. Well, not Napoleon--he'll die in exile on the island of Saint Helena six years later, but about 25,000 of his soldiers will.

Is Napoleon a born loser? Maybe at this specific moment of time, but in general, no. I do think the title works better with a main character and not just randos dealing with one-off little foibles.

Brook trout was brought up back in November. WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS FISH?

And just because it's frozen doesn't mean it isn't fresh. You just want to leave fish you got that morning just laying out at room temperature? I don't. Although I would never order fish.

The Diet and Resolution Were Never Going to Work

January 18, 2008

I'm going to consider all the strips between 1965 and January 17, 2008 to be "Classic Born Loser" so I should get to January 17, 2008 some time around 2060, give or take a year or two.

June 1, 1965

Crime just runs rampant in this comic strip, doesn't it?

I will be honest, you know how cartoons tricked us into thinking things like quicksand, piranhas, and random sticks of dynamite were going to be a more common part of life? I thought that being tied up would also be one. Here I am, 89-years-old and I've never been tied up.

He lasted until the 18th. Most resolutions are abandoned by February 1st. Or sooner.

Why is that donut even in the house? You can't just leave donuts in the house and not expect me to eat them.

It'd be hilarious if Brutus got out, went to a donut store, and brought that donut home to eat. Take that, self-discipline!

Seeing What This 'Cool Math Games' Is All About

May 29, 1965

I was going to say that I'd prefer someone serenade me with beautifully played trumpet music but clearly he is not good at it so I guess I'll just stick with a boombox--that won't be mainstream until the mid- to late 1970s.

He actually took time to light a candle? A candle? Hey, guy, when you get to work in the morning, tell Bob Cratchit 'hi'.

He's too young to have it now but when Wilberforce is old enough to have social media, let me know his handle. I have some cyberbullying to do.

Looking up stuff for homework is fun? Don't they have a family computer Wilberforce could use? Don't tell me his excitement over this doesn't warrant cyberbullying.

And, no, house work never, ever ends

May 28, 1965

The sexy women are frightened by either the mirror coming to life and talking or the mirror having an...interesting...choice in woman. I wonder how much Agnes gets paid to clean this castle.

If you would've told me that Agnes Dooley appeared in this comic before Brutus, I probably would've shrugged my shoulders and said 'ok'. She's even named!

I feel this was written in response to me constantly saying Gladys doesn't really do anything around the house while Brutus and Wilberforce are at work and school. It's only Tuesday and she doesn't go to the store or do laundry every day. And how dirty does a house with three people really get? *looks at my house with two people* Hmm, well...maybe.

Snow Day

May 27, 1965

I had this happen once. Only it was a bottle of fresh-from-the-dairy chocolate milk. 

It seems like a bad idea to shove these bottles in paper bags and carry them like that. You should be holding them from the bottom.

I would much rather shovel snow. I only have to shovel the steps, sidewalk in front of my house, and the path from the house to the street. But I have to mow the entire yard, and trim vines and tree branches. Mowing is much more work.

Although it's been awhile since I've shoveled two feet of snow like Brutus here.

Engine Light for Your Marriage

January 1, 1984

Oof. That seems like a lot of food to eat (and make) even for a birthday dinner. Brutus won't be able to move when he's finished. Wilberforce doesn't get any. He can have a bowl of cereal or some Kraft mac and cheese for all Gladys cares.

I've been reading The Born Loser for around 30 years and doing daily commentary on it for 16 and I can affirm that the problem with the Thornapple's marriage is, indeed, Mother Gargle.

And Gladys, I don't think you want your marriage to be like Rick and Carol's. Do you know what that chair in their bedroom is for?

My friend is still collecting for her father's services. If you can and want to help out a complete stranger, please do. If you would like to support this website, you can do that, too.

The Rabbit Died

May 22, 1965

You may know Br'er Rabbit from Disney's Song of the South, the mostly banned movie from 1946 that retells three Br'er Rabbit stories with animated characters amidst a live-action backdrop. I have a bootleg VHS tape of Song of the South that I got at a comic book convention. Well, technically my mom got it. I don't know what to do with it. It's currently sitting on a bookshelf. I can't watch it, I don't have a VCR.

The movie has seen a resurgence lately of people claiming this is a great movie despite its racist undertones. It's a mediocre Disney movie but it has its charm. If you genuinely like it, fine. If you like it because it's kind of racist, then you can eat farts. We're not losing anything by banning Song of the South.

Speaking of rabbits in comics, the Bugs Bunny comic strip debuted back on January 10th in 1943. The strip would run until 1990. Here's the debut strip.

This is a very "of-the-times" comic. Bugs knows he didn't have to get beat up to let Petunia practice on him, right? Maybe it's some sort of fetish. No judgement here. But I want to talk about a very specific period of Bugs Bunny comics. Specifically, the comics by Alfred Stoffel and Ralph Heimdahl. It's so weird because Bugs and Elmer Fudd are in some sort of co-habitation situation (they're just roommates!). Bugs can't even seem to keep a job yet seems to have a career at some faceless corporation. The main pig character as some brat named Cicero and occasionally Petunia, and Sylvester was a homeless bum always trying to skim a meal. It's weird and Warner Bros. needs to put out a collection of this stuff.

All of this is really just so I can further avoid today's Born Loser. I don't have anything more to say about since the first time I talked about it. I apologize in advance for Gladys' shirt.

Brutus and Gladys are only budgeted to live until 63.

LOL or You're Fired

May 21, 1965

Why doesn't he just shout for her to notify the police? If he said something, she'd hear him, right? That's how this work, correct?

Why are you asking Abe about this? Why do you care? Did Veeblefester send you to ask about this?

Jeans Day, Part 2

May 20, 1965

I've never been interested in the Battle of Little Bighorn. It's just never captured my attention like so much other history. Which is probably why I thought it took place in South Dakota when I looked it up. Nope. Montana. Huh.

When I was growing up, some of my favorite comic strips were ones that continued from day-to-day. Calvin floating up into the sky holding onto a balloon, the wacky misadventures of the Patterson family, even watching the Keanes go on road trips was exciting. My local paper didn't carry any of the soap opera strips so the crazy storylines of Rex Morgan, Mary Worth, and even Apartment 3G weren't on my radar back then.

I have a soft spot in my heart for things that end with 'to be continued'. It's that kind of stuff that keeps my attention. Keeps me tuning in. You probably remember the Disney Afternoon series Gargoyles and the 22-part "Avalon" storyline. That kept me tuning in every day after school.