Saturday, October 1, 2022

Footballin'

October 22, 1974
Have you ever watched a TV show and noticed that one of the main characters (one credited in the opening credits) isn't in one of the episodes. I feel it happens a lot more now than in the past. I often try to figure out why they aren't in that episode. Did the episode just not warrant it, did the actor refuse to be in it or were they doing something else? Anyway, I miss the main cast and am not really a fan of this drunk crab.

Gladys should know by now that you watch football to watch football. It doesn't matter of it's pro or college. You just want to watch some men get a ball to one end of the field and slam into each other. And you want to spend Thursday through Monday doing it. The way God intended.

Friday, September 30, 2022

Streaming Marriage

August 12, 1974
So...is Brutus going sailing with Veeblefester tomorrow? Brutus asked him a question and Veeblefester just walked away and made a snarky comment. Is the offer still open, or even real?

Sorry I don't want to watch that Dahmer show that usurps trauma from other people's lives in order to glorify a sadistic murderer, Althea!

Neither Arnie or Brutus seem concerned about Althea being upset. She ain't going to do anything. This is just a fun story to tell by the watercooler.

Thursday, September 29, 2022

Flickin' Thursday

Five years after it came bursting onto the scene and into our lives and about a year after it's last peak before a huge decline in use, the Distracted Boyfriend meme has made its way to Heathcliff.

This comic deserves all the Reuben Awards.

June 24, 1974
I love that Brutus is going to read his pornographic magazine right in front of Gladys' bridge group. He's going to noisily eat, drink, burp, and probably fart while flipping through that magazine with his hand down his pants. That's "quiet" to him.

The biggest offense are those feet.

So Brutus can withstand being stabbed in the nose with a dart, but not being flicked in the nose. Got it.

I am a bit worried that we've entered the 'physical abuse' stage of this relationship and I really don't want to see us head down that road.

Wednesday, September 28, 2022

What's My Age Again?

April 22, 1974
I do like it better when the main character's boss is actively trying to kill their employees, none of this passive crap where you're just trying to work them to death.

For being stabbed directly in the nose with a dart, Brutus is handling it very well.

Perpetually 44, Brutus. Perpetually 44.

Usually insurance forms just ask for your birthdate. Now, I'm not saying Brutus would remember Gladys' birthdate but it would make more sense when filling out an insurance form.

Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Sad Carrot

March 25, 1974
Since The Born Loser is no longer a wacky avant-garde comic strip that, despite it being based in reality, is kind of silly, the man-eating giant had to go somewhere. Luckily, Heathcliff is now our wacky avant-garde comic strip.

Yeah. You're on your own. No one is making you diet. You should season up that carrot by throwing it away and opening a package of Oreos.

Monday, September 26, 2022

Work Strips

March 8, 1974
Brutus seemed to have learned his lesson and now follows the crowd. Does it matter he's actually not thinking of anything. Hell, no. He's not at work. The time he takes getting there is his time and he can do what he wants.

I'm not going to draw a map for Veeblefester's office in this strip like I've done for Brutus' but I am going to comment that, once again, the layout makes no sense.

"Now go back to your office and continue staring at the clock until 5:00."

Sunday, September 25, 2022

Lottery Sunday

September 30, 1984
So Brutus is perpetually 44-years-old. I'll try to keep that in mind.

Wait. If Brutus is perpetually 44, that means he's a Gen Xer. But in only 4-5 years, Brutus will be a Millennial. This is the worst news I've heard since being told that the Lockhorns are more than likely Millennials.

"Today's my birthday." "Cool, but enough about that. Let's talk about numerology!"

I'm surprised Uncle Ted still plays the lottery since he played one time, won, and then got struck by lightening. Brutus apparently used to play regularly but has since stopped since the odds are too stacked against him.

I hate when Brutus refers to himself at The Born Loser, it completely takes me out of the comic.




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Saturday, September 24, 2022

Saturday Quickie

February 8, 1974
If you want to leave someone out of a will, always leave them a dollar or something nearly valueless so that they can't contest the will. If you just leave them out, they could contest the will under the possibility that you were accidentally left out. Make sure your non-loved-ones know you don't like them. Leave them in that will and give them individual Monopoly pieces.

I feel like that should count. But I'm always looking for ways to make golf seem more interesting.

Friday, September 23, 2022

Not a Fan of the Sports Metaphor

January 29, 1974
Ugh. Do we really need more babies from the people in this comic strip? There's Wilberforce and Hurricane Hattie, you'd think that'd completely turn everyone off about wanting a baby.

And I was going to comment on the name Virmeal until I decided to look it up and found someone named Virmeal is currently a principal at a Cleveland school so I guess I'll accept it as a real name.

I'm assuming, based on the placement of the word balloon that's pointing beyond the stairs and not up them, that Gladys is having trouble getting Wilberforce in his cage under the stairs. Brutus and Gladys are going to a party, Wilberforce has to go in his cage. Maybe you should help her, Brutus. He's your kid, too.

Thursday, September 22, 2022

Gladys Is About to Get a Call from Big Kraft

December 16, 1973
So Veeblefester has always had a picture of himself on his desk and bags of money at his feet.

This Veeblefester seems to be more angry than today's Veeblefester. I mean, does he have fangs up there? Today's Veeblefester is just a pompous rich guy who thinks he's built something from nothing. Now this guy. Up there? He built something.

Wilberforce hated homemade mac and cheese because the cheese wasn't yellow/orange enough? I had a student once who, I can't remember, would only eat orange things or would never eat orange things. He'd bring lunch from home and everything would be color coordinated. It's was nuts and fascinating at the same time.

Wednesday, September 21, 2022

It Bothers Me That Those Bananas Are On Plates

June 13, 1975
Papa Hurricane clearly underestimated his awesome daughter. Little did they knew that Hattie has been smoking cigars since she was three. I'm not advocating for smoking. It's a gross, disgusting habit that makes you and every one around you sick but, damn, Hattie looks cool.

And yes, Hattie has/had a skunk for a pet.

I see Uncle Ted just conveniently skips over the part where the banana turns black and gets soft. Is...Is that what Uncle Ted is doing as he ages? He should probably see a doctor about that. It could be leprosy. Or maybe frostbite.

Could be frostbite.

Tuesday, September 20, 2022

Gimme a Break

May 27, 1975
Why are Brutus and Gladys arm wrestling? Is this something loving couples do? Hate-filled couples? Let's be honest, we're not surprised Gladys is as strong or stronger than Brutus even when she's asleep.

Okay, so what does this mean? Brutus worked through lunch on a report that needs to be done by the end of the day so what does this now mean? Your guess is as good as mine because I have no idea what Veeblefester is talking about.

Monday, September 19, 2022

Anti-Morning

May 21, 1975
What the hell kind of lodge has Brutus joined? Some sort of of Civil War re-enactor/French Foreign Legion/Egyptian Pharaoh mix. This guy looks like he stumbled out of Crock.

But then you'd just end up hating Wednesday afternoons. Also, you would then be in school until after the 4th of July going only two and a half days a week, if not longer. Look, I am all for school schedules to be individualized for both the student and parents but laying in bed isn't going to get that to happen.

Sunday, September 18, 2022

Just Desserts

January 6, 1985
Considérant que Brutus a immédiatement commencé à parler pour quatre panneaux juste après le blocage de l'ascenseur, ce Français devrait être content de ne pouvoir ni parler ni le comprendre.

Although this comic makes me really wonder what that French guy is doing here. What other businesses are housed in this building. He seems nice enough though. Sadly, Brutus won't learn that.

Fresh strawberry shortcake.
Crème brulee.
Bourbon-soaked bread pudding.
Lemon meringue pie.
Key lime pie.
Chocolate volcano cake.

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Saturday, September 17, 2022

Reason for the Season

May 20, 1975
It's time for a little game I like to call "Could this joke be printed in 2022?"

And we don't know what kind of pictures Hattie's dad takes. There could absolutely be some pornography in there.

Gladys should push Brutus off the stoop, go back inside, and lock the door.

Also, it's not technically fall until the 22nd, five days from now. And, it's going to be nearly 100 degrees here on Tuesday so fall is just a pipe dream for us for the next few days.

Friday, September 16, 2022

Rare, Bloody, and Thick

April 19, 1975
I don't know. I feel it'd be funnier if the word was just gobbeldy-gook. Like, "And now a word about our product." "Grabblesnook!" "Now, back to the late-night movie!" I don't know.

I don't care about the stock market. I'd rather talk about the steaks. Interesting fact about me, I am not a huge fan of steaks. You would think, as someone who absolutely loves meat, would love steak but I find it very time-consuming and complicated to eat. I hate when it's too fatty and I don't like it when it cools off too quickly. I've only had about three steaks in my life that were just perfect to me out of the roughly 100 steaks I've had in my life. Most of the others were fair to middling.

Thursday, September 15, 2022

Early Morning Hate

March 12, 1975
I sometimes wish we could go back to jokes like this. "Sure, you can be a shopaholic as long as you don't mind me being an alcoholic!"

This Brutus is a lot more laid back and casual than today's Brutus. Today's Brutus would be scowling at Gladys and would definitely not have a drink in his hand.

Ok, this is a pretty good Mother Gargle hates Brutus conversation.

But seriously, what would Gladys do without Brutus? She hasn't had a job in at least ten years. Would she take Wilberforce with her? She seems pretty lazy. Does Mother Gargle just want her daughter to come live with her in her twilight years. No one's a winner in that scenario.

Tuesday, September 13, 2022

A Couple of Sushi Boys

March 6, 1975
Brutus is getting frisky. He dove under that table!

I'm sorry, that was inappropriate. I don't blame Brutus for taking his shoes off (clearly no one knew or cared) because shoes suck. Socks ain't so great either.

Oh. Brutus has been eating gas station sushi. That's what that lingering smell was all day.

Monday, September 12, 2022

Be Sure to Like and Subscribe

February 24, 1975
Hattie is going to be pissed when she discovers the real reason Robin Hood robbed from the rich.

Best case scenario, Brutus is listening to some Pod Save America, Undisclosed, or something from Jamie Loftus.

Worst case scenario, Joe Rogan.

Wait. Somehow I don't think this car...
...has the ability to play podcasts.

Sunday, September 11, 2022

Pink and Doughy

December 23, 1984

"It was the saddest funeral I had ever attended." I wonder if this man was a child with Little Leroy or if Leroy died just a few years ago. I hope it's the former because that means this man has been carrying around the guilt of this sad story and of him surviving into adulthood for decades.

Hurricane Hattie is totally going to dig up Little Leroy Metternick's grave if he was buried with his new skates.

It's the middle of September. The time for sun tans is over.

Besides, I shall never forget Little Jeremiah Pumperoy trying to get a good suntan. He sat out too long and burned himself. He soon got skin cancer and within a week, Little Jeremiah was in Heaven.




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Saturday, September 10, 2022

Bad Boy, Bad Boy

May 25, 1974
The flowers have apparently gained sentience and are exacting their revenge on humanity. This happens from time to time.

Is Wilberforce really a bad kid? I get the feeling he's more stupid and lazy than bad. Don't get me wrong, Hurricane Hattie is a bad influence but Wilberforce by himself is a good, albeit idiotic, kid.