Monday, November 12, 2018

Wrong Side

Stan Lee
1922 - 2018

EXCELSIOR!
"Gee, you look awful, Thorny!"

"Thanks, dick."

Maybe Brutus and Gladys need a new mattress. Or, based on the bubbles above his head, he is horribly hungover from a night of drinking and debauchery. They usually do that on Saturday night but had to switch because the host couldn't get a sitter.

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Tank N Tummy #9

“I can’t believe that you talked me into this,” MaryJane said, walking into the giant restaurant where their high school reunion was being held. “I’ve already slept with all these guys and it wasn’t all that great.”

“Quit thinking with your penis, MJ,” Dominic said. “It’ll be fun. And if we do this now, we’ll never have to do it ever again.”

“I don’t understand why we have to do it now,” Ryan said.

The three of them stood and watched the goings-on. They only had about 300 in their graduating class. In the ten years since then, at least two classmates had died. Neither Dominic or Ryan knew them.

“I lost my virginity to him,” MaryJane pointed at a guy across the room. “Wait. Or was it him?” she pointed at another guy.

“What are you talking about?” Ryan asked. “You lost your virginity to Trevor Scruggs in the fourth grade. You made him cry. His parents got a restraining order against you. He’s still messed up.”

“Oh, whatever,” MaryJane waved her hand. “Might as well get caught up.”

“Okay, we’ve been here for three minutes, let’s go,” Ryan said.

“Calm down,” Dominic said.

“Ryan?” a woman came up to them. “Ryan Conrad? You’re looking good.”

“Emily?” Ryan asked. “Hey, you’re looking good, too. But you always looked good.”

Emily looked away and pushed some loose hair behind her ear. Ryan and Emily dated their senior year. He’d had a crush on her since middle school and was finally able to talk her into going out with him their senior year. They started dating in September and broke up shortly before graduation because they knew their relationship wouldn’t last the summer.

“Thanks. How are you doing?” she asked.

Ryan thought about his life--being single, living alone, working at a gas station, still close to his high school friends. “I’m doing good. You?”

“I’m good as well. It’s great to see you. Come here, meet my husband,” Emily reached over and grabbed Ryan’s arm.

“You’re married” he was a little disappointed. “I should really get back to my friends.”

“Nonsense. Come on. Come meet Matt,” she began pulling him.

“MaryJane. So you decided to show,” a guy came up to MaryJane. “I figured you threw us all away like yesterday’s trash.”

“Nonsense…” she looked at the guy’s nametag “...Tyler. I loved high school. I’m still friends with Dominic and Ryan. How are you doing? You’re looking good?”

“How am I doing? Why don’t you ask how our son is doing,” Tyler said. “You know our son. The one that my parents adopted and are raising as their own. The son that I have to keep hidden as a younger brother?”

MaryJane looked at him. “So you’re good?”

“You’re a terrible whore of a person and I hope you burn in Hell,” Tyler said and stormed off.

“Whatever,” she shrugged.

“Mr. Hall,” a voice behind Dominic said. “I’m surprised to see you here considering how much you didn’t like school.”

“Ms. Patterson. How are you doing?” Dominic asked.

“Doing good. Still teaching social studies.”

“You had my favorite class,” Dominic said. “I actually liked your class.”

“I recall that you did very well in my classes,” Ms. Patterson said.

“It probably helped that I had a crush on you, Ms. Patterson.”

“Please, we’re both adults now. Call me Jenny,” she said. “So, a crush?” she leaned in close to Dominic.

“MaryJane,” a woman came up to MaryJane with a smile on her face. “Remember me?”

“Dana Walbury? How are you doing?”

“I’m good. Hey, remember in middle school when you convinced me to go to third base with you and after we did it you told everyone that I hated boys?”

“Clearly, you did. You went down on me,” MaryJane laughed.

“You tricked me. You confused me. You basically assaulted me then ruined my teenage years by lying about me. And I may be a lesbian but I wasn’t sure back then. Yes, MaryJane, I hate boys and I hate you.” Dana threw the liquid that was in her glass at MaryJane and stormed off.

MaryJane gasped a couple times, looking down at her wet clothes. “You’re welcome,” she sarcastically shouted at Dana who threw a middle finger at her.

Elsewhere in the restaurant, Ryan was sitting at a table with Emily and Matt. The three of them were seemingly getting along. “So how long did you two date?” Matt asked.

“Only about a year,” Emily answered. “Ryan was my last serious boyfriend before I met you. That’s why I thought you would be perfect for this. You two have quite a bit in common and I am comfortable physically and emotionally with both of you,” Emily explained. As she finished, she took her husband’s hand and squeezed gently. She then turned to look at him then both of them looked at Randy.

“What’s going on?” Ryan asked with a confused and suspicious smile on his face.

“I…” Emily giggled a little, embarrassed, then looked at Matt. “We were wanting to try some experimenting. With sex. And we want you to be a part of our threesome.”

Ryan froze. He stared at Emily and Matt. He stifled a laugh. “Is this some weird joke? Did I hear you right? Threesome?”

Emily and Matt nodded. “We love each other and our marriage isn’t in danger or anything,” Emily began “but Matt recently came out as bisexual and while we’ve tried toys--dildoes, strap-on--we’ve both talked about it and want to bring in an actual second man into it.”

“Emily has always respected you and based on the stories she has told, you seem like a gentle and caring person who would probably be just as apprehensive as we are about doing this. We can get to know each other and when we’re ready, just see what happens,” Matt said.

“MaryJane,” someone came up behind MaryJane as she sat at the bar.

She rolled her eyes and turned to the voice. “Jenna. Are you going wish death on me, too? Throw a drink in my face?”

“No, no. Why would I do that? You only slept with my dad and ruined my parents’ marriage. You remember that?” Jenna asked.

“Your parents’ marriage was in trouble before I got near your dad,” MaryJane took a sip of her drink. “If anything I just helped them realize it was over sooner.”

“My sister killed herself shortly after the divorce,” Jenna revealed. “I sincerely hope you burn in Hell.”

“You’re not the only one,” MaryJane took another drink. Jenna stormed off. “Jeez. Who would’ve thought that my actions would have consequences?” she asked herself.

“Hey, MaryJane,” Ryan came up to her.

“Hey, Ryan. How have I ruined your life?”

“In numerous ways. I just wanted to let you know that I am leaving with Emily and her husband Matt,” Ryan told her. “So I won’t need a ride home.”

“Emily? Your ex-girlfriend Emily? And her husband? Kinky,” MaryJane winked.

“Just...I’ll see you later.”

Dominic came back in from the parking lot. He and Ms. Patterson had finished and she was now on her way home. Dominic looked around and saw MaryJane at the bar. “I just had sex with Ms. Patterson,” he said as he sat down. “Why are you wet?”

“Got a drink thrown on me.”

“Because you’re a terrible person and screwed many people here both literally and figuratively?”

She nodded.

“Let’s get Ryan and go.”

“He already left. With Emily and her husband.”

“Emily his ex-girlfriend?”

She nodded again.

“And her husband?”

“Jealous?”

He shrugged. “You?”

“Very much so. Let’s go.”

Prince of Persuasia

100 years ago today, an armistice was signed ending the Great War. The war began in 1914 and lasted for just over 4 years. Over 70 million military personnel were mobilized and over 15 million people were killed. As we look back on the The War to End All Wars, let's keep all the servicepeople who fight and have fought to keep our country, and the world, safe in our minds and in our hearts.
Never Forget          Never Again


You know, dumb, ugly, boring women are people too and deserve love just as much as everyone else. This idea of stringing them along just so that you won't care if they dump you seems wrong. We need to create a hashtag for this. Women shouldn't have to take this crap but jerks like Fred.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Curly Shuffle

Oh, look, it's another guy trying to force the Three Stooges down a woman's throat. Gladys should just go out by herself and have fun. Maybe take one of the other members from the PTA. It seems she get along with them just fine.

Why is the root beer not colored?

Thursday, November 8, 2018

Let Me Put It This Way

Today's strip is trying too hard. First of all, you'd have to know who Usain Bolt is. Believe me, those people are out there. Secondly, I feel that even in reverse Usain Bolt would still be fast. Maybe Opposite Usain Bolt or Bizarro Usain Bolt or maybe Tlob Niasu.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Cracker

I thought old people always woke up early. Up at 5, back in bed by 9. And I see that Brutus is still obsessing over Uncle Ted's retirement that probably happened ten years ago. He's your dad's only living sibling, Brutus, go deep with the questions.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

We Know Who Brutus Voted for Lost

Ohio apparently doesn't specify if you can take time off in order to go vote. They do say that salaried employees get paid but hourly employees don't. Was Veeblefester just standing at the door waiting for Brutus to walk in?

*door opens*

Veeblefester: "Where have you been, Thorn...Oh, Gladstone. Sorry."

*door opens*

Veeblefester: "Where have you been, Thorn...Oh, Patterson. Sorry."

*door opens*

Veeblefester: "Where have you been, Thorn..."