Please Get Out of My Kitchen

June 2, 1975

It seems like Kewpie is the only character that hasn't changed in the way they look. I do think she still eats sticks. I swear I've seen Brutus complain about that before. Here's Kewpie burying the stick.

"Wilberforce, you finished your after-school charcuterie platter twenty minutes ago..."

He just spent a day at school. He's probably tired. Is there a reason he can't still be there? Is it time for Wilberforce to be lowered into his pit?

Sees Some, Knows Less

March 15, 1975

Why is Brutus staring out of the window? Was he already lamenting the many never-was loves that could've been in his life? Or maybe there are two squirrels chasing each other in the yard. That's always fun to watch.

Is this $20 on top of the $50 you already charge? I've never been to a fortune teller but that sounds expensive.

Sorry I Bothered You With My Politeness

March 19, 1975

He's gotcha there, Doc!

We're going to discuss today Brutus' drink of choice, Old Zip Coon. Old Zip Coon is an alternate and racist version of the song, "Turkey In the Straw" sung in exaggerated Black English Vernacular. It inspired the Zip Coon minstrel show where Zip Coon, a freed slave, tries to act deserving of his station in life but speaks in malaprops and puns that are less than dignified. Keep in mind, these are white people performing this character.

I think through animated movie shorts from Disney and Warner Bros., Turkey In the Straw became quick shorthand for alcohol or liquor (similar to XXX on a jug) so it makes sense that Brutus is drinking Old Zip Coon here, but that doesn't make it right.

I would just flip the table. I don't have to put up with this in my own house. Didn't even get a sentence out. If you don't want to be here then why are you here?

In the Red

December 26, 1974

That is terrible. You know what is even worse? Being nice to people without tranquilizers.

Just do what other corporations are doing and raise your prices for no actual reason.

Veeblefester could also take a pay cut. I mean, there are literally sacks of money just laying next to your desk. You could also use the fabric you make tea cozies with to make stuff people actually want.

Your Milk Is Crushing Your Groceries

November 25, 1984

Why is Gladys even out there shoveling show when it's still snowing? She's just doing extra work. Brutus is right to smile dumbly at her and Mother Gargle should be yelling at her own daughter, not Brutus.

I thought this was going to become a joke where she substituted stupid things in for what she needed. "They didn't have ketchup for our hot dogs so I got pasta sauce or a can of crushed tomatoes. Ha! A tomato's a tomato, amiright?" that sort of thing. No, we get some "sale" joke that doesn't really connect to the main thread of the comic and Gladys in that stupid hat.

If you would like to support my writing, research, or this website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Bobbo: The Test

"Put everything away except a pencil. We're going to start our test," Ms. Ortiz said as she began handing out two pieces of paper stapled together. A couple in the class groaned but everyone put everything away and got ready for the test. Ms. Ortiz dropped a test on Bobbo's desk. When she finished handing them out, she sat back down at her desk. "You have 40 minutes, class."

 
Name two important canals and what continents they are on. Bobbo read the first question on the test. That sounds right. But he didn't start writing. He kept writing over his name at the top of the page and then drew lines to connect the name, date, class lines together. He then began going through the test and filling in every open space in the letters. Soon, most letters were just faint blobs on the paper and Bobbo was directed back to the top of the page. He lackadaisically wrote Suez Canal Africa and Panama Canal South America.

If you were traveling from Mexico to Greece, what sea would you have to travel? Bobbo ignored the question and began circling the numbers next to the questions. He then began cross-hatching in the corners of the paper and using the corner of the top paper to create a design on the second page. Bobbo looked up at the time and then at the other kids taking the test and then back at the clock. He raised his hand and waited for Ms. Ortiz to call on him.

"Yes, Bobbo?" she asked.

"May I go to the restroom?" he asked.

"Fill out your pass," she said and went back to what she was doing.

Bobbo got back into his binder and took out his school-issued passport. He filled it out with where he was going, the date, and the time and got up and went to Ms. Ortiz's desk. She quickly signed it, he muttered 'Thank you' and left the room. He slowly walked to the restroom and went into one of the stalls. Bobbo spent several minutes in the stall doing various things to kill time that we aren't going to get into here. When he exited the stall, he went over to the sinks to wash his hands. There were posters put up for an upcoming dance, going out for track, and stopping bullying. Bobbo took the time to read carefully through them all. He washed his hands very methodically and slowly walked back out into the hallway.

Across the hall was a water fountain that Bobbo diligently went to and got a drink from. A very long drink. He paused and continued to stand at the fountain and looked at the poster above it even though it was the same track poster from the restroom. He got another drink and began walking back to the classroom, getting about halfway before turning around and going back to the water fountain.

When Bobbo got back to the classroom, he had wasted about seven minutes. He sat back down at his desk and wrote down the answer to the second question: Mediterranean Sea. He read the third question. True or false, India has a greater population than China. Bobbo quickly circled the answer and went to question four. True or false, The Pacific Ocean is the largest ocean on Earth.

Bobbo sighed and looked at everyone else taking the test and then up at the clock. Everyone else seemed to be working while he just sat there. For some reason, he turned his test over and began writing the alphabet and numbers down in careful handwriting. If my handwriting were a font, this is what it would look like, he thought. My handwriting should be a font.

"25 minutes," Ms. Ortiz said. "When you are finished, just place your test in the turn-in box on the counter."

Bobbo looked around the room. In his head, he began thinking about how he would have his classroom if he were a teacher. He'd want his desk by the window but there was so little space in the room that everything else kind of had to stay where it was. Beneath his alphabet, Bobbo began drawing superhero logos and then began drawing a cat and dog. He flipped the test back over and answered the rest of the first page. Three kids stood up and turned in their tests. Bobbo watched them stand up, walk to the counter, place their tests in the turn-in box, and then return to their desk. I should've took longer going to the restroom, he thought.

Bobbo began slowly working his way through the second page. Five kids finished and then another seven before Bobbo stood up and turned in his own test. Bobbo returned to his desk and got a book out his binder to read. ▩

Footballin'

October 22, 1974

Have you ever watched a TV show and noticed that one of the main characters (one credited in the opening credits) isn't in one of the episodes. I feel it happens a lot more now than in the past. I often try to figure out why they aren't in that episode. Did the episode just not warrant it, did the actor refuse to be in it or were they doing something else? Anyway, I miss the main cast and am not really a fan of this drunk crab.

Gladys should know by now that you watch football to watch football. It doesn't matter of it's pro or college. You just want to watch some men get a ball to one end of the field and slam into each other. And you want to spend Thursday through Monday doing it. The way God intended.

Streaming Marriage

August 12, 1974

So...is Brutus going sailing with Veeblefester tomorrow? Brutus asked him a question and Veeblefester just walked away and made a snarky comment. Is the offer still open, or even real?

Sorry I don't want to watch that Dahmer show that usurps trauma from other people's lives in order to glorify a sadistic murderer, Althea!

Neither Arnie or Brutus seem concerned about Althea being upset. She ain't going to do anything. This is just a fun story to tell by the watercooler.