Saturday, May 13, 2017

He Helped Eat It


HAHAHAHAHA! Men can't do anything in the kitchen. If you want men to cook, you better be grilling something. Men just can't. Amirite, ladies? HAHAHAHAHA!!

Friday, May 12, 2017

Catman #3

“What could go wrong?” the man known as Toy-Man asked as he diced potatoes. “Our new friend is quiet, he’s barely cried since he got here, and the Order will protect us like it always has.

I have an odd feeling about tonight. Something feels wrong.

“You’re just being paranoid, Mother,” Toy-Man chuckled. His mother had died several years ago. Just recently she had come back into his life and was a welcome presence. She helped calm the fears that he had. He continued making a dinner for both him and his guest at Catman gently landed on the roof.

Most of the apartment tenements were empty. The Toy-Man was one of the few residents of it and he was the only one on his floor. Everyone else was in the first three, he was on the fifth. Catman broke into the roof access door and began following the metal staircase down. His feet hitting the steps made a slight echoing noise. He went down four floors and exited at the fifth. He could smell something cooking and just followed the smell to the Toy-Man’s door.

Catman then crashed through the door, wood splintering onto the floor. Toy-Man quickly turned, using the knife he was cutting potatoes with as protection. Who is that, Albert? What’s going on?

“I don’t know, Mother. Give me a minute,” Toy-Man angrily walked up to Catman, knife drawn. He swung and barely missed Catman. Catman pushed him away and he slammed into the wall. Toy-Man took another swipe and was actually able to nick Catman’s suit. “Who are you?”

“Someone who is finally going to stop you,” Catman growled and barrelled into Toy-Man. They fell to the floor and Catman wrapped his hands around Toy-Man’s neck.

Albert! Fight back. He’s just some guy in a cat suit.

“I’ve got one more idea, Mother,” Toy-Man croaked as Catman tightened his grip. “If I die. The kid dies.”

Catman’s grip loosened and Toy-Man kicked Catman off of him. “You monster,” he growled.

Toy-Man stood up and opened a kitchen drawer. He pulled a gun out and pointed it at Catman. “You can’t stop me. People have tried for years to stop me. I’ve always gotten away with it. I can’t be stopped. I won’t be stopped. Especially by someone like you.”

Catman took a step toward Toy-Man who quickly turned the gun to himself, opened his mouth, and pulled the trigger. The gunshot echoed through the apartment and blood splattered on the kitchen wall, counter, and sink behind him. Catman heard quiet crying coming from one of the rooms. He followed the sound and found a young boy tied to a bed. Catman untied him, helped him get downstairs where the police were starting to pull up.

Catman took off across the rooftops, satisfied that the Toy-Man wouldn’t bother any other young children again. Catman rested on a rooftop and looked out over the city. He felt better about what he was doing. He couldn’t save his family. Couldn’t save his child but he could save others.

“He needed to go,” a voice behind him said. It was a woman’s voice. “The Order could be so much more if we had fewer like him in it.”

Catman turned around and saw a tall, redheaded woman in a green pantsuit standing with him on the rooftop. “Who are you?”

“I’m Ivy,” she answered. “I was sent to stop you. I waited because Albert needed to be taken care of first.”

“You’re part of the Order? But you’re a woman,” Catman lightly scoffed as he eyed Ivy.

“True but I think you’ll find that I am just as good and capable as any man,” she said and before Catman knew it, she was on top of him. She took his cat ears and began slamming his head onto the roof.

Catman tried to push her off or roll over but she was too strong and too flexible. Within a couple of minutes, Catman blacked out.

I Like the Use of the Moon


I learned a lot of things by riding on the bus. I also did a lot of things on the bus because, let's face it, short of actually causing an accident, it's mob rule on the school bus.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The New 52


I wasn't able to post at my regular time because I had a job interview but I see that I didn't miss much. Nothing to insult here. Happy anniversary to the Born Loser and to Chip.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

I Don't Think You Can Fire People For That


Hey now. Veeblefester isn't exactly svelte. Veeblefester is just better at hiding his fat because of his height and his suit.

Monday, May 8, 2017

The Suggestion Box Is Not a Joke


I love how employees always seem to think that a suggestion box means the things they put in will actually be adopted. I also love how Brutus seems to be kind of vindictive today. "My in-your-face suggestion about getting rid of those vanilla wafer cookies in the vending machine will make Veeblefester remember who's boss around here."

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Is Lord Right? Should It Be 'God'?


"Why do I need to do homework? These shoes will make me a basketball star. No need to save for retirement because I'm going to earn us a money bin with these shoes. King James will bow down to Lord Wilberforce."