Saturday, December 31, 2022

Toot Your Horns for 2023!!


As you may know, the comic strip Funky Winkerbean is ending today. The last couple storylines have shown why the time jump happened, merging the timeline with Crankshaft, and going into the future where Les Moore's book about his first wife dying of cancer, Lisa's Story, is one of the only books to survive the book burnings? What?!

It also doesn't feel great that Lisa's life was toyed with so that all of this could happen as explained by the Westview High janitor a couple weeks ago. I'm also bothered by the sudden John Byrne art this week.

Anyway, it's over. You can still read Crankshaft, which is currently doing a storyline where Crankshaft made a resolution to not buy anything from Bean's End and is seen for three days under the covers with a flashlight looking at a catalog like some 12-year-old who just learned how great boobs are.


December 31, 1973
In Apex Doob's defense, most New Year's parties continue long after midnight. Brutus is even still in his tuxedo and party hat. Anyway, happy New Year to you all. My only Born Loser wish for 2023 is that Chip reintroduces Apex Doob. Maybe I'll go message him on Facebook and ask about that.

This and this. Stop wanting the next year to be better. That's what it wants!

I've been posting this regularly since 2016 and I'm not gonna stop now!

Friday, December 30, 2022

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

October 6, 1973
Ah, so this is why Brutus never takes Wilberforce with him on golf outings. Wilberforce should've kept his mouth shut then maybe Brutus and Gladys would let him out of his cage for more than just school.

Here's your chance, Brutus. You can finally look Veeblefester straight in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Thursday, December 29, 2022

He Even Admits to Just Making Stuff Up

October 8, 1973
Why can't Brutus go bowling? What's to gain by Brutus staying home when all you are probably doing is sitting in front of the TV all evening? I've never liked or understood this trope.

Brutus doesn't know these stories except for what Uncle Ted tells him. Uncle Ted has been gaslighting Brutus for 50 years and he has no plans to stop.

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

To Be Fair, Brutus Did Break a Sweat Lifting His Legs Onto the Ottoman

October 6, 1973
Why is Brutus being so mean to Wilberforce? "That was a stupid bet, you dumb sonuvabitch! This is why you're still a kid--because you're stupid! Now gimme that lovely, shiny dime!"

Gladys is very unimpressed with those ankle weights. And Brutus looks very disappointed that they don't work unless he is moving. Let's be honest, Brutus is never going to get into shape and the sooner he (and everyone else) realizes it, the better off we'll all be.

I feel this is a conversation Chip actually had with his wife.

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

Just Take the Rest of the Year Off

October 3, 1973
I guess there's no law against sending torn up pieces of paper through the mail. Considering junk mail is basically advertisements, it just seems like a waste of *checks internet* eight cents.

Everyone should get December 22 through January 2 off. "Sorry, folks, economy's closed for twelve days. The moose out front should've told you."

I'm a huge proponent of doing your job whenever the hell you feel like it. We live in a 24/7/365 world so there's no reason at all why industries and occupations can't work around the clock and fit their schedules to what employees want to work and when consumers want to go.

We should also pay people more.

Monday, December 26, 2022

Are You Questioning the All-Powerful Santa Claus?

October 2, 1973
This is, like, the third time the Thornapple house has been robbed since I've started posting older strips. Instead of insurance, maybe Brutus should invest on better locking doors and windows. Or even just turn on some lights. Good lord that is pitch black.

Smart move having Santa bring all the stuff Wilberforce didn't want or ask for. Bold move for wanting to exchange Santa gifts despite those gifts being made at the North Pole by elves and not having receipts.

Sunday, December 25, 2022

...To All a Good Night

October 21, 1984
Holy shit, Brutus is fucking awful with money. I apologize for the language but that the only way to describe what's going on here. I don't know how Gladys has stuck with Brutus after all that. Was that coat the only thing keeping her around? That must be some coat.
This one is only $7,300 if you're interested
in your own sable coat.

I don't like Brutus calling Gladys his mate. Almost makes me not want to eat this Christmas.

I find something very disturbing yet funny about how Brutus and Gladys are lying in bed. Do they not move at all during the night? Are they tucked in really tight? If so, who tucked them in? I have other questions but I'll hold off on them until we get downstairs. I wonder what the Thornapples got me.

Brutus and Gladys could've at least poured the milk down the drain to make it seem like Santa drank it. Unless Santa really exists and just left the milk to spoil and dirtied one of their coffee cups. Gee, thanks.

M E R R Y   C H R I S T M A S
T O   A L L





If you would like to support my writing, research, and website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

π•Έπ–Žπ–™π–™π–Šπ–“ 𝕾𝖔 π•­π–Žπ–Œ


I vaguely remember, growing up, two or three limited run comic strips that ran in my local newspaper. Could I tell you what those comics were? No. They usually ran around the holidays and weren't very memorable. Mitten So Big was not one of them. Mitten So Big ran between December 1 and December 24 in 1975. It was written by Dorothy M. Floreck and illustrated by Don Baur. It's about twin penguin siblings who assist Santa Claus on Christmas night after getting lost during a storm.

Really missed an opportunity to make this first strip rhyme. I'm not saying the whole series needs to rhyme but this one strip would've been nice.



Peter and Penny must not have parents.

News? The Penguin News? Did the penguins launch a satellite? And why are Peter and Penelope so cartoonish when the other penguins are drawn realistically?

Suck it, children of the world! The penguins come first!





Okay. We can stop calling it "mitten so big".




They should've called this story "The Christmas Key" because we seem to have pushed aside the mitten so big rather quickly.





Oh. Here are Peter and Penny's parents. Maybe Peter and Penny disappear all the time so they weren't worried.

Peter and Penny can't go back to normal penguin life. They can't. They won't.

Oh, good. The mitten so big is back. And we're still calling it that.

Cool. Peter and Penny get to be Santa's unpaid labor every Christmas Eve.

I hope you enjoyed Mitten So Big. It was certainly a comic strip that existed. Now that you know that Santa uses penguin helpers, maybe you'll set out some fish next year along with Santa's milk and cookies.
Merry Christmas
&
Happy Holidays

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Did Wilberforce Just Stand There Watching?

December 24, 1973
One Christmas trope I never get tired of is depicting Santa Claus as an abusive slavedriver. This adds an additional layer of Santa being batshit insane as well. Those reindeer look tired of it and will probably follow through on Operation: Up On the Rooftop tonight.

And that's how Scott Calvin became the new Santa Claus.

I can't imagine watching Rudolph, which is about a reindeer with a bright red, glowing nose in black and white. I mean, it makes sense because most TVs in 1964 would be in black and white. Most people didn't switch to color TVs until the following year.

While searching for when most people began switching to color TVs, I learned that TV networks made the push to color not because it was the next big thing or because people demanded it or even because TV manufacturers wanted to sell slightly more pricey televisions but because watching programs in color manipulated us into watching more programs. Honestly, knowing what we know about capitalism, that tracks.

Friday, December 23, 2022

The O'Hara Family Christmas TreeπŸŽ„

October 1, 1973
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everybody! I hope everyone is getting what they really want this year--hardcore nudity of Agnes! I love that her naked body will be what everybody sees when I post because it's the middle of the picture. Perfect. Just perfect.

To be fair, everyone's body in this strip looks like that.

I like how Hattie seems upset in the last panel. "You cut down a department store's Christmas tree? Corporations have feelings, too. You hate capitalism so much that you had to steal a store's Christmas cheer? And what about the poor employees who had to set it up and decorate it for just a pittance above minimum wage? How dare you, Brutus. How dare you!"

I wonder what was originally here.

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Those Jerks!

September 9, 1973
Do parishoners have to play golf with their pastor? That sounds awful. It makes me wonder what to be angry at more--golf or church?

That reverend seems way too happy to be beating Brutus. He's probably a bad reverend.

I really hope this is a real grievance that Chip has this year. And I hope the names weren't changed to protect the mean-spirited.

That sweater Brutus is wearing is...not flattering.

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

🌞

September 28, 1973
Gee, no one has ever tried to turn back the time on a clock to try to be younger. Brutus should be on the evening news. "Local man tries to turn back time. It didn't work but it wasn't the dumbest idea. I can't believe no one ever tried this before."

I wish people would stop saying that the solstices are the longest/shortest days of the year. The days are still 24 hours, it's just the amount of sunlight changes. The most length of sunlight happens during the summer solstice and the least length of sunlight occurs during the winter solstice. And at noon on both days, you sacrifice a virgin.