This Marriage Is Going Great

What?

What?!?

What is Our Bore Day? How would this even work with the phrasing? Eh, forget it. Go outside and enjoy your local parks and some trees.

A tulip poplar tree planted in 1967. A direct offshoot of a tree planted
by George Washington at Mount Vernon in 1785. Located at the
Harry Truman Birthplace, Lamar, Missouri.

Wholesome

I like to think that Brutus was just standing there either just outside Veeblefester's office or in his own office  minding his own business when Veeblefester just rushes up to him, screams "Thornapple, you are a perfect idiot!" and leaves.

123*Password

"Do you think I'm a fool?"

"Yes, but that's not what we're talking about."

He should keep a small notebook of all his internet passwords next to the computer. That's what my mom does. She keeps all that in a small Go Diego Go notebook.

A Couple of Good Days

I don't understand golf. I don't understand how you get good at it or why people play it. I mean, couldn't you just play the same hole over and over again until you perfect it and then move onto the next hole? After a few years, you could play that coarse blindfolded. Anyway, how far is the hole on the practice green? Is a hole-in-one still good?

I guess that's one way of looking at it. Just leave off the qualifier at the end.

Ms. Crabtree Couldn't Handle a Snurp?

I can only imagine the noise that came from Hattie when she did that.

So kids are a walking hypocrisy. Many, especially the ones who think they are funny, will constantly burp and fart throwing caution to the wind just to have the attention and laughs. But if someone accidentally burps or farts, they immediately make fun of that person. Either farts are hilarious and deserve a laugh or they don't. Make up your mind.

Root, Root, Root for the Home Team

But if I don't stick with them through the bad times then how can I justify celebrating with them during the good times?

I'm assuming Brutus is watching baseball. It's baseball season, right now, right? Apparently the Cleveland Baseball Team is pretty good this year. The Cincinnati Reds aren't. I wonder which one Chip is sub-comic stripping here.

Back to Front

As someone who has only been around K-5/K-6 and 6-8 school districts, seeing 6th graders intermingling with 4th graders is weird to me. Wilberforce should be glad his look was updated because I can't imagine what those 6th graders would say about this look:

Seriously though, bullying may be an unfortunate part of school life but it's not cool. Don't bully.

I'm starting to do comics over on my Instagram. I've been a comic strips my entire life and used to really want to create and draw my own comic strip. Back in 1996 and 1997, I did over 400 comic strips for a series I created that, obviously, didn't get picked up. You can check out my most recent one right now.

No One Listened to the Intercom Anyway

Does Veeblefester not use or like email? Instead of "relaying messages" (what is that? sending a memo? going to each and every person? texting everyone?) or using a bullhorn, just write a quick email. You can even write in all caps if you want to mimic yelling.

Raise, Attempt 3

So at the end of the month when Veeblefester is just throwing a wadded-up piece of paper at his face, you'll know that raise is right around the corner.

People Don't Get Phones to Make Calls

The only friend Wilberforce has is Hattie and she's not one to have a smart phone. She's more of a buy a cheap burner phone and throw it in the river after you're finished talking to who you needed talk to kind of girl.

There's many cheap options for kids for smart phones. Just get him the phone and get the kid some games.

Autoerotic Physician

"No, I just like the way the thing feels wrapped tightly around my arm."

AIEEEEEE!!!

Is it because he didn't blow on it the second time? If so, I think panels should be rearranged. Instead of pour coffee>blow>blow>sip>pour coffee>scream it should be pour coffee>blow>sip>pour coffee>sip>scream. Otherwise, it kind of looks like a delayed reaction.

Did You Carry the Two?

I hate when this happens.

Find the answer to the following equation. Is it: 16, 47, 67, 81? Well, the answer I got was 65 so I guess the answer is 67? Maybe? I don't know. I know math is supposed to help us with problem solving but all it does is make me hate problems and numbers.

Friday Night Pizza

To be fair, it looks like this pizza box can only hold 4-6 pieces so at most she missed out on 2 pieces. The perspective on this pizza box is terrible.

Hey! Why is there a knife out?

Another Day Older and Deeper In Debt

This is why Brutus bought that car: He only makes $28-31 a month. And probably less. More like $20-22 a month.

Seriously though, we know Brutus doesn't get paid lavishly despite being practically next in line to run the Veeblefester Tea Cozy Corporation so having a blah car shouldn't surprise anyone. Yes, I'm still complaining about yesterday's strip.

Magic v. Money

Oh. Okay. Well, we'll just find ourselves a damn magic wand and we'll conjure you up a nice pumpkin coach ASAP. What is even the point of this comparison? Magic is clearly superior to money especially if you are like Brutus and don't have that much of it.

Did It Come from the Carafe With the Orange Top?

I don't know if you can tell the difference between the taste of decaffeinated and regular coffee and I don't care. What's the point of coffee is there's no caffeine in it? Again, I don't care. Just drink the coffee, Brutus. Just drink the coffee.

Don't Forget to Salt It

One piece at a time? What was he doing cooking it like that? This?

With the Drawers Pointing Away, Those Side Table Are Practically Worthless

Yeah, I don't really watch the news because I don't like being kept in a constant state of existential dread. Four years was enough, thank you.

I'm dragging, too, Uncle Ted. And it's not because of the news. I'm stuck in a building all day with ~350 teenagers who barely know how masks work and continuously stand near each other to hug or do handshakes. I mean, sure I'm fully vaccinated but that doesn't mean I still won't get sick. Not to mention we are just throwing caution to the wind in exposing our students and ergo their family members who probably haven't been vaccinated. But as we've learned from this last year, we're all just test subjects in this game called LIFE.

If you are able to, please schedule your vaccination if you haven't. Many states are offering the vaccine to people aged 16 and over. Contact your local health department for more information or use the vaccine finder.

Sing Me a Song

Well, this is good news! I randomly sing all the time. Dave Matthews Band, novelty songs from Dr. Demento, TV theme songs, and the occasional random old school country song. I'm gonna remember everything but no one is going to want to be around me.

Choklit

I hate when my favorite places go out of business. Especially when it's a place that has something I can't get anywhere else. Sadly, due to Covid, I've lost a local coffee place and a burrito place that I didn't find until a few months before they were forced to close.

I'm lucky enough to have a chocolate shop in my town and I'd be devastated. I'll mourn your loss, Gladys, by going to my local chocolate shop tomorrow.

A Smile a Day

For fans of multinational investment management corporations, BlackRock founder and CEO Laurence "Larry" Fink is visiting one of his powerful friends, Rancid Veeblefester. It's pretty impressive that Mr. Fink knows Brutus' name but Veeblefester probably talks about Brutus all the time.

The Talk

I hate this dumb song and dance Brutus and Mother Gargle always do. I get that in The Born Loser, it is perpetually 1965 but like Wilberforce's hair was updated from girly little golden curls, maybe cut back on the "mothers-in-law, amiright?" shtick.

Washing the Dog! Washing the Dog!

If Kewpie is dirty then you clean him. Normally, Kewpie seems like a pretty chill dog but must turn into a raging beast if he has to have a bath. My dog does that too if there is another dog located over the fence. She's not very personable.

By the way, Kewpie is apparently one of those dogs that can switch sexes because Kewpie used to be a girl.

Gladys Is the Worst

Jesus Jumped-Up Christ, lady. Quit stealing your kid's candy! And the devious look on her face. What's wrong with this woman? And Brutus just sits there smiling.

I Hope She Chokes On Those Salads

I know we've seen Gladys eat Wilberforce's chocolate bunnies before. Why is she eating her son's stuff? The Easter Bunny, I assume, I don't really know how this works sometimes, left those chocolate bunnies for Wilberforce.

She even made a meal out of it. Got out a plate, a glass of milk. She even put a little flower in a vase. Did she also eat the chocolate bunny with a knife and fork, with her pinky raised? This wasn't a simple "I just can't control myself" situation. This was methodically planned and it's disgusting.

Mother Gargle Once Said She Had Botulism and Brutus Had to Hear the Entire Story

Shouldn't it be "Never ask Grammie how she's doing"? Ah, who cares? Never talk to Mother Gargle, got it. I try to stay away from people who scowl all the time--especially in, what is that, 5x8? 8x10?, a seemingly professional portrait. Someone paid money for that!

Sail Away

Veeblefester probably already has people he pays to be the crew on his yacht. Venezuelans or Chileans or something. And Veeblefester has known Brutus for years, unless Brutus has been taking boat lessons, Veeblefester should already know that Brutus knows nothing of actually sailing boats.

Still Happy Even Though All His Teams Will Lose

Oh, God! I don't know what I hate more: Baseball or April Fool's Day!

It's April Fool's Day.

I don't watch baseball but I guess if you do, enjoy the day. "The crack of the bat! The roar of the crowd! The boys of summer are back!"