Sunday, March 31, 2019

Veeblefester Tea Cozies: We Keep You Alive

Brutus mainly works in sales, as we've seen from the numerous he has tried and failed in gaining, keeping, and regaining accounts, so somehow I don't think advertising is going to be his forte. Shouldn't Veeblefester have an entire department devoted to advertising or, in an effort to save money, he just has all his employees doing three to five jobs?

If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee and even get access to exclusive material over on Ko-Fi.



Saturday, March 30, 2019

Lousy Kids--Get Off My Lawn

And your fine with Wilberforce throwing a baseball at the side of your house? I've never met an adult who like that unless you lived in a brick house or something. When I was a kid, we were playing dodge ball against the wall of my house and my mom came running out in her robe and slippies brandishing a rolling pin yelling at us to find somewhere else to play.



Friday, March 29, 2019

I'd Be Happier, I Know That

Since when are texts considered social media? Texts are an intricle way of communication because I refuse to answer my phone anymore. I got rid of my Facebook at the end of 2018 and my Twitter, like a lot of Twitters, is just a waste of time. You should follow me.



Thursday, March 28, 2019

The Boys of Summer

As an adult, you are blessed with an amazing ability to not have to say why you have to leave work. "Hey, I need to head out early" is all you need to say. Just deduct my hours from whatever time it gets deducted from. See you tomorrow.



Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

What You Don't Know...

We don't know Attila the Hun's real name. He was probably not born with the name Attila but was probably assigned that name or gave it to himself when he rose to power. I'm a little confused why 9-year-olds are learning about Attila the Hun but whatever.

I love Brutus. "That's a fact I don't even know!" Okay. Calm down, Brutus. You're not that smart.



Monday, March 25, 2019

It's My House

In case you didn't know, I have brought back my Patreon for those who want to support my writing and research every month. I plan on posting something every Saturday exclusively on Patreon. This past Saturday was chapter 8 of the novel I'm working on. Go check it out.

I hate when people do this. "You should watch such-and-such, you'll like it." I know what I like and, I'll be honest, I don't need more TV shows in my life. I also don't like reality or competition shows so you can quit recommending those to me at once. I watched the first season of American Idol. Why would I need to watch the subsequent 16 seasons? We have our American Idol and her name is Kelly Clarkson.




Sunday, March 24, 2019

No, It Is a High Price

I didn't get anything written for today because I'm busy writing things. It's a vicious roofie circle. Anyway, here is a video on anti-homosexual propaganda from Sid Davis. This "mental hygiene" film, "Boys Beware" warns teens about the dangers of the homosexuals. While this could be a good warning to children about staying away from strangers and child molesters, it mainly warns of the dangers and mental sickness of homosexuals.

Stay away from those public restrooms, kiddos!

If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-Fi.

"Seventy-five dollars!? I can get a lifetime supply of Ferrero Roche at the CVS down the street for that kind of money."

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Maplesyrup

I want to know if Chip tested out today's strip. Did he dip string beans in maple syrup to see what would happen? But let's remember that Chip is a 50ish year old man. I basically poured syrup on everything between the ages of 9 and 18 and never got a stomach ache so I don't think Wilberforce would be that affected by it. Unless Wilberforce has the stomach of a 50ish year old man.

Friday, March 22, 2019

Saving Acme

For your information, Brutus has been trying to save the Acme account since 2011. Yes, I looked it up. It was even part of a two-part storyline of Brutus being told to save the account and then him talking about getting on a plane. It was riveting.
Is it me or does Chip not put as much care and attention into his strips anymore?

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

Thoughts of Baseball?

Where is it still snowing? Don't get me wrong, it might still snow pretty much anywhere between now and June but I think what we need to worry about is the flooding. This strip would be funnier and more accurate if Wilberforce said "Can we wait until the flood waters recede?"

Monday, March 18, 2019

Note He Never Once Used Brutus' Name πŸ€”

I think Uncle Ted's memory is fine. Uncle Ted is very adept at recounting the horrors of Vietnam, why his wife finally gave up and just died, his post-70 sex life, his medical issues, and the Taft-Hartley Act. "I can forget what I was doing while I'm still doing it! Like, just now, I forgot I was walking to the bathroom, sat down here and then peed myself."

Sunday, March 17, 2019

Still In Green Though

Cow Island
I found a book a few years ago called “Historic Kansas” which was written for Kansas’ territorial centennial in 1854 and republished in 1974. It talks a lot about people, places and things that existed before the 1860s which is really cool. One thing that caught my eye was the history of Cow Island, or Isle de Vache as the French traders called it.

Cow Island was located in the Missouri River just a little southeast of Atchison. French traders would use the island to keep cows thus earning it the name. The island was used for many Indian Councils and Lewis and Clark also stopped at Cow Island during their expedition. Lewis and Clark didn’t see any Indians on or near Cow Island but did see deserted villages. In 1818 a military post was established on Cow Island, called Cantonment Martin which was abandoned in 1826. Cow Island would not be used again until the Civil War when Kansas Volunteers used the island as a base of operations against Iatan, Missouri immediately across the river.

The Flood of 1881 changed the course of the Missouri River placing Cow Island in Missouri however in 1900 a court ruled that Cow Island was still a part of Kansas. The court found that: “Where a river forms a boundary between two states, the exact line is the center of the navigable channel, rather than of the river from bank to bank. If there is a gradual or imperceptible change in the course of such stream, the ‘river as it runs’ — that is, the channel of the river as it runs — will remain the boundary. But if there is a sudden avulsion, the river seeking a new course and leaving the old bed as dry land, as in this case, the new course of the stream will no longer mark the boundary; the boundary will remain as it was before the sudden change — that is, in the middle of the navigable channel as it existed just before the sudden shifting of the course.”

Further research shows Cow Island was formally annexed to Missouri sometime in the 1920s by an act of the Kansas Legislature. Currently, Cow Island is located just south of Iatan, Missouri. The Iatan 1 and Iatan 2 coal-firing power plant has been built on Cow Island. A Lewis and Clark historical marker memorializes Cow Island immediately in front of the power plant.


If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee on Ko-Fi

First, I want to take this opportunity to thank Chip that today's strip has nothing to do with St. Patrick's Day.

Second, Brutus' "underearning", which isn't even a word and I'm pretty sure the editor probably thought he was going blind when he glanced over this strip, is not his fault. Do you really think Brutus could handle a career change this late in his life just to earn slightly more money? I mean, look at him. He's pathetic.

Saturday, March 16, 2019

He's About To Be Murdered

Wilberforce doesn't have a clock in his room? This takes me back to my mom waking me up every day before school. I hated it. I also hate waking up to an alarm clock. I don't understand why we can't just wake up naturally and go into work whenever we're up and ready. Sound good to you? Contact your Congresspeople.

Friday, March 15, 2019

Tank N Tummy #13

Dominic got to work a little before six in the morning. He saw Lauren’s car in the lot but didn’t see her in the store. He went into the store and got himself a cup of coffee. Still wondering where Lauren was, he stepped out of the back into the delivery dock. Standing to the side of the door was Lauren, a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. “You smoke?” Dominic asked.

Lauren took a drag of the cigarette while looking directly at him. She then exhaled, blowing the smoke up instead of out. “No…” she replied. “Well, maybe a little.”

“You don’t strike me as someone who smokes. But on the other hand, you kind of do.”

“I want to stop but I haven’t really tried, to be honest. Someday. But we all have our vices. Like you and your coffee.”

“Yeah but coffee doesn’t slowly kill you over a long period of time so it’s not really fair to compare coffee to cigarettes.”

“It’s still an addiction. It’s still something that has a hold on you. It’s something that would be hard to quit if you had to.”

“I could quit drinking coffee. Simple,” Dominic scoffed.

“What about all caffeine? Pop, coffee, all of it?”

Dominic hesitated for a second before answering. “Yeah, I could.”

“Let’s do it then.” Lauren stubbed out her cigarette and threw it on the ground. “I’ll quit smoking and you quit caffeine.”

“Can I still drink tea?” Brewed tea has less caffeine than brewed coffee.”

“No caffeine unless it’s something that you absolutely can’t avoid. You won’t make it a day,” Lauren smirked.

“I can last longer than you. You’re the one out back here hiding your dirty little secret from the world.”

“I can’t smoke inside and doing it next to the front door is rude.”

“Hiding it from the world.”

“Fine. If I go longer without a cigarette then you give me fifty bucks.”

“And you give me fifty bucks if I go longer without caffeine.”

“Deal,” Lauren and Dominic shook hands.

“I’m totally gonna win now.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t have fifty bucks to give you.”




A little less than 12 hours ago, MaryJane and Ned were sitting in a movie theater watching the ads and previews before the lights dimmed. They were holding hands and a couple of times, she leaned over and gave Ned a peck on the cheek.

They were near the top of the theater but MaryJane clearly saw Ryan come in. He looked up and around the seats and then picked a seat near the bottom in the middle.

MaryJane ducked and hid her face. “It’s Ryan,” she said.

“So?”

“He’ll tell everyone that we were on a date.”

“Everyone already thinks we’ve slept together so what’s the big deal?” Ned asked. “Ne probably didn’t even see us.”

“He looked right at us.”

“He was looking for a seat,” Ned laughed. “Why can’t we just tell your friends about us?”

“We will. I just need time.”

“Are you embarrassed by me?” Ned asked.

“No. It’s just that Dominic and Ryan expect a certain level of whore-ishness from me and I worry they won’t respect me as much if they know I’m a one-man woman.”

“I think they’ll respect you about as much as they normally respect you,” Ned said. “You’re one of their best friends. Let’s tell them tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay…” MaryJane reluctantly agreed.




MaryJane came into the Tank N Tummy. She immediately went to the front counter where Lauren and Dominic were. “Whassup, sluts?” she greeted, like she did every morning.

“I’ll tell you ‘whassup’. Every day for the last four years you’ve come in here and asked that. If it was still between 1999 and 2002 when those commercials were still popular then it would make sense. It would still be annoying but, again, it would make sense,” Dominic ranted.

“Whaa,” MaryJane took a step back. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of a cold and lonely bed.”

“We took caffeine away from him and he’s not handling it well,” Lauren said.

“Lord. How long has he been without caffeine?”

“Thirty minutes. Roughly. He’s going through withdrawal very quickly,” Lauren said. “I’m giving up smoking.”

“You’re taking it better than he is.”

“I’m just enjoying watching him fly off the handle at every little comment or inconvenience,” Lauren chuckled. “How are you doing, MaryJane?”

“I’m good. I’m the lead attorney on this case of this corporation suing to be able to dump waste into the river.”

“What?”

“This company is suing the city so that they can throw their trash into the river and no longer have to use the city trash service,” MaryJane explained.

“What?”

“That’s what I thought just in my head because I’m a professional.”

“So they’re suing to be able to throw their trash in the river?”

“They say that since the city already does that with storm and waste water being dumped into the river, they should be able to dump their waste into the river. ‘Let our trash become Shelbyville’s problem’ as one guy put it.”

“Well, if any city deserves a river of trash, it’s Shelbyville,” Dominic said.

Ryan come into the store, grabbed an apron from the back and got behind the counter. “He---”

“Stop talking!” Dominic shrieked.

“Whoa. What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m sorry, Ryan. You know how I get sometimes. Lauren’s being a terrible bitch and keeping me from my precious caffeine!”

“I’m not keeping you from anything, you jackass.”

“I’m sorry, Lauren. You know how I get sometimes.”

“Hey, Ryan,” MaryJane slid up to him at the counter. “What’d you do last night?”

Ryan raised an eyebrow at her. “Nothing much. I went to see a movie.”

“Oh. See anything interesting?”

“I went to see the new Woody Allen film. His movies are much better if you assume all the characters and actors rape and marry their daughters as well. If they don’t want me to think that, then quit being in his movies.”

“Did you see anything else? Maybe in the actual theater?” MaryJane asked.

“No. Nothing out of the ordinary,” Ryan answered.

“Good. Good. Carry on,” MaryJane said.

“MaryJane,” Ned was standing in the doorway of his office. “What was that?”

“I was making sure Ryan didn’t see us at the movies.”

“Was that what that was? Because to me it looked like you all but revealing that we’re dating,” Ned said. “That line of questioning is going to make him suspicious.”

“Oh, come on. It’s Ryan.”

“What’s the deal with those two?” Ryan asked Dominic, pointing to MaryJane and Ned.

“They’re dating,” Dominic said.

“Yeah, I know that. I saw them at the movies last night. I’m asking about why they want their relationship to remain secret.”

“I don’t know. But you’re right. It’s stupid and annoying.”

“I never said it was…”

“You guys can quit hiding! We all know you’re dating!” Dominic shouted toward them. “There. That fixed it. I’ve never seen MaryJane’s face that shade of red before. Heh.”




The next day, Lauren walked in and saw Dominic with a cup of coffee. “So I win?” she asked.

“Yep. You win fifty bucks. I do hope you’ll continue to not smoke though,” Dominic smiled.

“I plan on it. How about instead of the fifty, you take me to dinner?” Lauren suggested. “I can get my fifty bucks in the form of food.”

“Sure. I’d love to. Let me know where.”

“I will do that.”

15th

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           
Sounds like a good idea. Let's all gather 'round Veeblefester and stab him to death.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

MR F

Wilberforce is in elementary school, why is being given As, Bs, Cs, Ds, and Fs. He should be getting Ss, Ms, and Es. Maybe this school uses a different grading system. The student either achieves learning and gets an A or they fluctuate in their learning and get an F.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

True Love

Why is Gladys acting so serious about this? "I've taken an online test to determine how compatible couples are with each other. I'm going to need you to swab your mouth with his cotton stick and sign here, here, and here with your initial here."

Monday, March 11, 2019

That's Still Reading

I don't think I've ever seen Gladys read anything except the newspaper or a magazine--which counts by the way. Brutus reads the same things so remember that when you point a finger at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at you.

Have we stopped calling it 'closed captioning' and are just calling them subtitles now?

Sunday, March 10, 2019

On Schedule

I lost my computer several days ago. Well, I didn't lose it but the hard drive completely died so I was without a computer for a while. I do have a Chromebook so I wasn't completely computer-less but I couldn't do any writing. With the death of my hard drive brings the loss of two novels I was working on. Why weren't they saved somewhere else other than the computer? One, I didn't know I could use Microsoft Office's OneDrive but I plan on using that from now on. Two, I used to save on external drives but I have had a lot of those fail and I end up losing my data anyway. I plan on backing up to OneDrive, Google Drive, and an external drive from now on.

One novel I lost was Wilbur and Kolak, a novel I've been working on since 2004. This is the third time I have lost it so I'm thinking that fate is telling me that maybe Wilbur and Kolak isn't the book I should be working on. I'm going to retool it, change some parts of it that haven't aged well in the 14 years I've been writing it and just see what happens.

The other was Vagabond Girl, a story I've been working on diligently over the last year. Unlike Wilbur and Kolak which was written long-hand in a notebook, Vagabond Girl was written in a Rocketbook so what I wrote was erased when I done typing it up. Luckily, I kept notes on what happened in each chapter after writing it so I at least have a skeleton that I can rewrite this novel from.

For 2019, I decided to focus more on my writing and I've been doing a decent job of it until my computer died but I hope to get back into it as we get into spring and summer. Along with the novel, I have a few short stories to work on, a couple of novellas, several research projects I need warmer weather for, and a new Story Series that will post exclusively on Ko-Fi.

Speaking of Ko-Fi, if you would like to support my writing or research without the commitment of a recurring subscription, you can buy me a coffee or two on Ko-Fi which will encourage me to write more. And, as always, tell your friends about this site.  ▩

Wait. Wouldn't he be an hour ahead of schedule? If he had to be up at 8 then his alarm would be set for 7(?) so if the alarm goes off, it would still be 7 but the old 7 would be the new 8 so the old 7 would be a new 6(?). But it would still be 7 either way and give Brutus plenty of time to get to work because schedules don't shift because of Daylight Saving. πŸ€―

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Dizzy Up the Girl

These seems like pretty serious problems. Your parents should probably take you a doctor and get your, I'm just going to assume it's vertigo, checked out. It's probably just an inner ear thing but I'd want to look at their brains--poke around in there just to be safe.

Friday, March 8, 2019

Please Don't Touch the Inner Children

Had Mother Gargle been standing there, she would've went "It looks like Brutus ate his inner child!" If Wilberforce was standing there, it'd be "I'm going to have a baby brother or sister?!" Either one is better than what we got going on here.

What is kind of funny is the pause Brutus and Gladys are doing while Kewpie is thinking. Gladys finishes her sentence and they just freeze while we focus on Kewpie for a few seconds and then they start talking again. Have you ever seen those clips of The Big Bang Theory without the laugh track? It's like that.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

You're a Moob

This is the worst description of an implosion I've ever heard. An implosion wouldn't be in reverse because an explosion and implosion do essentially the same thing. The difference is an explosion is an outward force while implosion is an inward force. Instead of going out, it's going in.

Also, what is with Brutus' tiny hand in the second panel? It's not just me, right? That hand is tiny.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Why Did She Pour It?

The reaction Gladys gives in the last panel makes me think the Thornapples and Gargles are not Catholic and don't...is celebrate the right word?...Lent. I'm a little bothered by Gladys' remark in the first panel. "Your coffee is getting cold, Mama..." She's not a child. She doesn't need some sort of cue.

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Work Drainage

Doesn't seem to be. Brutus is still just hanging out at the watercooler. Brutus is probably having some kind of existential crisis. These things happen from time to time.

We can't all just stay home all day, watch soap operas, and eat bon-bons, Gladys.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

Do Nothing

Bobbo, Brooke and Max stood in the line that had formed in the media center. They had been waiting just a few minutes and kids ahead of them got their picture taken and then went back to class. "This is going to be the best picture day I've ever had," Bobbo said, smiling big at Brooke and Max.

"What makes you say that?" Max asked.

"Ever since Kindergarten, I've never had a good picture in the yearbook. Kindergarten it was the first year of static electricity, first grade it was not having, like, any teeth, second grade was the mullet, third was the second year of static electricity, fourth was my shiny shaved head..."

"I loved that one," Max laughed.

"I liked the mullet but the static electricity has its own charms," Brooke nodded.

"Fifth grade," Bobbo loudly began "was the psychotic smile. Sixth grade was the 'picture not available' text because I was out with scurvy and seventh grade was that giant pimple next to my nose."

"It was like you had two noses," Max said.

"But this year, everything is perfect. I'm wearing a good shirt, I have no facial blemishes, my hair is combed and lying flat," Bobbo began. "I'm finally going to have a good picture for my parents to give out and in the yearbook."

"I wouldn't be too sure. I mean, you still have to get up there and smile," Brooke said.

"Yeah, what if your smile is like this?" Max contorted his face, his upper lip covered his top teeth, he closed one eye and he tilted his head slightly.

"I'm not going to smile like that," Bobbo said. "Just a simple smile, like this." Bobbo smiled daintily. His lips barely parted and his eyes seemed to sparkle.

"That's some fine work, Bobbo," Brooke said.

"I still have nightmares about your fifth grade picture," Max said.

"I was trying not to close my eyes," Bobbo said. "I don't know why I thought I had to have my eyes that wide open."

"You need to be more like me," Max said. "I look exactly the same in every yearbook."

"But you don't smile, you just sit there like a lump with no expression."

"And I look good doing it."

"It's true, he does," Brooke agreed.

"Well, we can't all look good fighting the battle of who could care less," Bobbo sighed.

The line moved forward quite a bit as several kids got their picture and left. The photographer then moved the kids up so they were closer to where the pictures were being taken. Bobbo ran some fingers through his hair and readjusted his shirt. "Your shoe is untied," Brooke said.

Bobbo looked down and saw his shoelaces untied, sprawling out from his foot. He bent down and began tying them. The door he was standing beside opened and the knob smashed him in the face. The knob went right into his eye and knocked him back.

"Oh, geez," said the teacher who came in using the door, after realizing that he hit a student with the doorknob. "I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so," Bobbo said, covering his eye with his hand but not actually touching it.

Brooke and Max helped Bobbo back up. He removed his hand from his eye and his friends saw the giant bruise surrounding the outside half of his eye. "Well, you can add 'black eye' to your list of bad pictures," Max said.

"Seriously?" Bobbo freaked out. "It bruised already?"

"You were hit pretty hard," Brooke said. "Here," she handed him a mirror so he could look at his eye.

"Oh, man. Somehow this makes the mullet look good."

"I don't know about that," Max said softly.

"Do you have any makeup or something that I can put on?"

"I have that mirror, some lip gloss, and a couple tampons. Why would I have makeup. I don't even wear makeup," Brooke asked. "Just ask the photographer if you can turn your head a certain way or something. They're a professional. They may know some secrets or something."

"Next," the photographer called. Bobbo went up to the stool. "Name?"

"Robert Griffin," Bobbo said. "Hey, do you have any tips for hiding this black..."

The camera flashed and clicked twice. "All done. Next," the photographer called.

"What? I wasn't ready."

"You looked fine, sweetie. Next."

"Great," Bobbo said, looking at the proofs of his pictures a couple weeks later. "At least the gaping maw that makes me look like a drooling idiot and my raised finger that looks like I'm about to pick my nose and whatever my other eye is doing in this picture distracts from my black eye."

"This is my new favorite thing," Max laughed.

"It now goes this one, mullet Bobbo, and summer teeth Bobbo," Brooke said.

"Maybe I can get some new friends before the next picture day," Bobbo sighed.  ▩

If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee on Ko-Fi.

Kids these days, amirite? It's probably really hard for them to find something to do because they don't have phones. If they had phones, they'd still be sitting at the table but at least their hands would be doing something.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

He Can't Math Why Get So Upset?

I'll try that, too. I love carrot cake. Fun fact, carrot cake and vegan carrot cake are the same thing. The only difference is the eggs. Carrot cake uses eggs while the vegan carrot cake uses flax eggs.
What the hell is this?

"That's it! To the box with you!"

It was about sixth grade when I was done learning math. My sixth grade math teacher was all "You can do this" and I was all "No, I can't." Now, my seventh grade math teacher, who was one of my favorite teachers, was all "Yeah, maybe you can't do this" and I was all "You get me". Low math expectations from that point on. It was bliss.