Cool. Veeblefester Just Stands At Doors and Waits Too

May 21, 1974

Will he still be holding his martini glass when you turn him into a lamp?

I'm a pretty macabre guy but even I find Gladys a bit too happy at the prospect of her husband dying. If you need a lamp, just go out and buy one.

"You don't remember the meeting? We talked about you getting a promotion, and I just laughed and laughed."

Tuesday Quickies

May 18, 1974

Art will use this joke again, almost verbatim, eleven years later. And yes, of course he has forgotten what day it is. If he didn't remember it in the morning, what makes you think he'd remember it when he gets home.

Oh, good, and we're going to continue the weird theme of Gladys meeting Brutus at the door when he gets home from work in today's comic. Don't worry, everyone. I'm sure this won't happen. I'm positive comic strip time will prevail and Brutus' life will remain the same.

You Know They're Dead, Right Wilberforce?

May 14, 1974

Ha ha! Too much water! He's a fish! I'm guessing this fish was on a diet but that's meeting this comic more than halfway.

I was hoping beyond hope that I wouldn't have to talk about Memorial Day but here we are. Anyway, since we're in a cemetery and today's Google Doodle is boring, I'm going to bring up my idea for a Memorial Day Google Doodle. You control different people wandering around a sprawling national cemetery using clues to find your loved ones. Sure, you have section numbers and the cemetery claims plots are in alphabetical order but there's no rhyme or reason to anything. Good luck!

Once Again, Wilberforce Is the Joke of His Class

October 5, 1985

They're all getting pretty upset over a meal they didn't help with at all.

What are in those bowls? You don't eat French toast in bowls. Gladys is going to have to listen to Brutus saying his bed was too hard, Mother Gargle's bed was too soft, and Wilberforce's was just right all morning. That sounds awful.

If Brutus was snoring so loud, why didn't Gladys wake him up? Elbow him in the ribs, lightly push his head, gently rub his leg, slug him in the nuts. You don't just let him sleep when he's ruining his son's school concert.

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Dog Tooth Fairy

May 13, 1974

That's pretty good. This girl deserves the sale.

Uh-oh. Better get Kewpie to a vet and make sure her gums and teeth are fine. I love how nonchalant the kids are about it. "My dog's teeth are falling out." "Well, that's not a thing that should be happening." "Quite. I put one under my pillow. You know, to trick the Tooth Fairy."

Interrupting Commercials Is a Good Way To Lose That Sponsor

May 7, 1974

Are they just eating plates of sauerkraut? That's gross and I don't like it. I'd leave. I know they are at home and Gladys probably made this meal but I'd leave. "Eat your own damn sauerkraut. I'll be at Wendy's if you need me. I'll bring you home a Frosty."

This isn't a thing that happens. I get that it's a comic strip and it's some sort of commentary about how everything is commercials when you watch TV--even though the amount of commercials hasn't changed in 20 or so years. I just want my commentary grounded in some realism.

Meanwhile, Brutus Can Barely Afford Groceries...

May 6, 1974

Wilberforce likes museums? Maybe I had the little guy all wrong. I don't know what disgusting thing Brutus is referencing here but he apparently approves of it, just don't do it in public.

Yet, somehow, he pays less of a percentage in taxes than I do.🤷

You know what we should do? Storm Veeblefester's mansion, kill him, eat him, and take his money.

Free Plug for Britbox

May 3, 1974

How long was he on the phone before someone just started saying "Penis penis penis penis penis"?

At least this isn't going to be a situation where the guy takes too long on the phone and someone butts in front of Brutus (he's really standing too close) and he turns to everyone in the airport(?) and screams "WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY...!"

That's a bad deal. Thanks, Bidenflation. 😒

I can get 24 ounces of salad at Walmart for $3. I can get kits with all the fixins and dressing for $4. Don't fall for the ploys of Big Diner and instead get your lunch from...wait...Big Big Box Store? That can't be right...😕

You know who else is probably streaming a bit too many shows on Britbox? Chip.

I got a free trial of Britbox specifically so I could watch later seasons of Red Dwarf. God, I hope that's what Gladys is watching but I doubt it since she's switched to afternoon tea and not lager and vindaloo.

Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.

Why Is Arnie Dressing Like Veeblefester?

May 2, 1974

That's a woman!!? I guess the pearls and high-heeled shoes kind of assume that but...whatever. These are not people I would ask for directions.

Is Brutus visiting somewhere or is he where he lives? Hopefully he's somewhere else because he should know where Hicks Street is in his own hometown.

This is a very hypothetical question, Arnie. Ain't no way Brutus is ever getting a big tax refund.

$5!? Get Outta Here

September 28, 1985

Did they laugh at Edison? Did they laugh at (Eli) Whitney? I thought Brutus was going down into the basement, the most common place to do a project other than the garage, but it appears he's going upstairs to the attic...?

Ichabod Burnlash has been mentioned before. He's a local television newscaster and apparently a wannabe inventor?

I don't even know why he went back. Not many people would do that. And stay in the drive-thru to do it.

Does Burger Bungalo not have an order box? Do you just pull up to the window?

In the Nosebleeds

April 20, 1974

some questions...is this a pet turtle that the Thornapples are trying out? why is Brutus trying to walk a turtle?

That's one determined turtle. Doesn't even seem to be choking himself on his leash unlike some dogs I know.

So you were either sitting in Illinois or somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Either way, that's a big-ass stadium and I hope Uncle Ted had fun.

Summer Days

April 15, 1974

This is how my wife when I start in on role playing. "You're family does not approve of me..." "Are you okay, Brian? Is this a bit?"

Have you met Mother Gargle? She would definitely approve of a dashing millionaire playboy wooing her daughter over Brutus any day. "You're rich? Here's my daughter. Do whatever you want with her!"

You think vacations just grow on trees, kid?

"No-cation? Gee, Pop, can't we even go to a museum or the zoo or something?" "Of course not. Have you seen the economy?"

Lester Holt Keeps Hurting Us

April 12, 1974

Your guess is as good as mine as to what this means. A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum is about ten to twelve years out if it's a reference to either the stage play or the movie. The phrase derives from vaudevillians opened their stories with "A funny thing happened on the way to the theatre..."

And from the look on Veeblefester's face, it wasn't that funny.

All right, calm down. All that crap is made up--except the rain. That sadly is very real and has been very persistent this season.

Why do you even watch the news if all you're going to do is complain about it? There are so many other things out there to watch.

Brutus Had Wilberforce Do It

April 8, 1974

While Norman and, I'm going to call him George, stare at what they claim is a large aircraft, the fish to the right, who I will call Walter, is wondering why his friends are staring at a dead human. (Brutus' belly, arms, and legs will sink soon causing the body to rotate face down.)

Who knows how that happened? Older people are always hitting random buttons and messing up things on phones. It's, sadly, their lot in life.

Tubby Tuesday

April 1, 1974

I always thought that snails were called "escargot" because that's what the French call snails. But it's really because that's the sound snails make when they sneeze. I don't know who figured that out but what a legacy!

Interesting that the snails are French (Pierre!) yet acknowledge the sneeze in German.

"My weight's up again. I'm so discouraged! I've done and changed absolutely nothing and I'm not losing weight."

I Don't Have to Sign Anything If I Don't Agree With It

March 21, 1974

Is this what kids used to do back in the '70s? Maybe it's a good thing they now have phones they can play games on. Meh. At least they're outside.

Did Wilberforce change direction because he thought his signage would read "On this block any kid can lick Wilberforce Thornapple"? Or was he about to enter Hurricane Hattie's turf on the next block?

That's a good sign, right? "You assist coworkers and help them achieve their goals." *badoom boom ching!* "You follow directions for all assigned tasks." *badoom boom ching* "Consistently shows up late to work leading to an incompletion of the day's task and negatively affects others." *badoom boom ching* "Consistently meets sales goals!" *badoom boom ching*

The rimshots hit harder with more complimentary feedback.

Mrs. Uncle Ted's Famous Tuna and Jell-O Pie

September 22, 1985

I may be wrong, but I think it's the MEN's room Brutus is unsuccessfully trying to enter. Since Brutus doesn't know how doors work, he's just going to go piss in the alley behind the building.

A grilled cheese sandwich is probably more appetizing than some of the other old recipes in that box. Jellied veal ring? Noodle ring filled with creamed chicken? Pork with spaghetti? Meatloaf Jell-O? No, thank you. Grilled cheese me.

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Hattie, Hattie, Quite Contrary

March 19, 1974

Oh, great. I knew this would happen. The Born Loser is becoming woke. First it starts by not cutting down trees, next it'll want us to learn and understand even the less-than-stellar parts of American history like slavery, then, finally, it'll want us to acknowledge that transgender people are here, have always been here, and deserve love and respect like everyone else.

Pfft. Not my comic strip.

(I love how the little syrup spigots look like tiny penises.)

She seems like a perfectly normal 8 to 13-year-old to me.

Mother Gargle Definitely Drinks Beer

March 18, 1974

Oh, suddenly all of this is my fault!

I like how Gladys is not up for anything this morning. She doesn't like the French, being called "my love" or being blamed for Brutus' successes and failures.

Wha...? Pfft. Huh? Why are we talking about beer? Get out of my house, you old bag!

We've seen Brutus drink beer exactly once since I started posting. The Thornapples--the modern Thornapples--are more wine drinkers. Now, the classic Thornapples, those people get dr-UNK!

Thursday Quickies

March 11, 1974

Brutus just growing out that one hair that's on top of his head? What about the hair on the back of his head? I feel that would grow better. It would still look awful on his but it would grow better.

I talk to myself all the time. It's to sort out the thoughts in my head. I've also been posting commentary about the comic strip The Born Loser online for about 15 years to about 20 people. That's almost like talking to myself.

If your boss touches you like this, you may be entitled to financial compensation.

The Doctor's Name Is Not Clever or Funny

March 4, 1974

I don't see Brutus making it to his destination. I highly doubt Veeblefester has put enough gun powder in that rocket to launch Brutus any significant distance nor do I think he's really figured out the trajectory. Best case scenario, he'll crash and drown in Lake Erie. Worst case scenario, he'll crash and die in Weehawken.

8:30 is pretty late for a doctor's office to be open. I guess, it's 8:30 in the morning.

August 30th sounds about right. Had they said eight-thirty to me, I'd question that. My doctor is scheduled at least a month out and I'm pretty sure she can squeeze me in because I'm one of her OG patients and not a problem-patient.

Monday Quickies

February 26, 1974

I debated on posting this because the punchline is faded. I thought maybe I could figure it out. But I can't. Something about a spring? The watch Brutus got for his birthday is already broke, I assume, and the spring is sticking out.

August 23, 1975

Why is he chewing that gum so loudly?

And Gladys just walks away? Brutus could be choking on that gum now and you're just walking away with your plant.

Brutus works hard all day for an abusive rich person, he's allowed to nap and doesn't need your sarcastic idioms.

Sexy Pizza

September 15, 1985

Before they were a big internet search company with their hands in every aspect of online life, Google was a fairly popular department store. Not really, but it's pretty believable when you know that Nintendo used to be a playing card manufacturer founded in 1889.

Six cans seems like a lot of foot powder...

Attractive people bake frozen pizzas. Right? I'm not wrong in this, correct? Now, it's one thing if she just attractive. It is another thing if the woman is, like, in her underwear or something. That's weird.