Friday, May 26, 2017

He Seriously Doesn't Know?

With school finally out, LAMNB is back. It's going to be a busy summer with trying to get updates here stabilized but also working two jobs--making deliveries and being a museum interpreter (or tour guide). It'll be a busy summer but hopefully it will be a good one.

I've been reading The Born Loser for many, many, many years now and Kewpie has never seemed like the kind of dog that would run away and need to be found. Also, what's wrong with the tag she has now? What has she been doing with it? Is it really so scratched up that you can't read it or is it missing or is it out of date?

Saturday, May 13, 2017

He Helped Eat It

HAHAHAHAHA! Men can't do anything in the kitchen. If you want men to cook, you better be grilling something. Men just can't. Amirite, ladies? HAHAHAHAHA!!

Friday, May 12, 2017

Catman #3

“What could go wrong?” the man known as Toy-Man asked as he diced potatoes. “Our new friend is quiet, he’s barely cried since he got here, and the Order will protect us like it always has.

I have an odd feeling about tonight. Something feels wrong.

“You’re just being paranoid, Mother,” Toy-Man chuckled. His mother had died several years ago. Just recently she had come back into his life and was a welcome presence. She helped calm the fears that he had. He continued making a dinner for both him and his guest at Catman gently landed on the roof.

Most of the apartment tenements were empty. The Toy-Man was one of the few residents of it and he was the only one on his floor. Everyone else was in the first three, he was on the fifth. Catman broke into the roof access door and began following the metal staircase down. His feet hitting the steps made a slight echoing noise. He went down four floors and exited at the fifth. He could smell something cooking and just followed the smell to the Toy-Man’s door.

Catman then crashed through the door, wood splintering onto the floor. Toy-Man quickly turned, using the knife he was cutting potatoes with as protection. Who is that, Albert? What’s going on?

“I don’t know, Mother. Give me a minute,” Toy-Man angrily walked up to Catman, knife drawn. He swung and barely missed Catman. Catman pushed him away and he slammed into the wall. Toy-Man took another swipe and was actually able to nick Catman’s suit. “Who are you?”

“Someone who is finally going to stop you,” Catman growled and barrelled into Toy-Man. They fell to the floor and Catman wrapped his hands around Toy-Man’s neck.

Albert! Fight back. He’s just some guy in a cat suit.

“I’ve got one more idea, Mother,” Toy-Man croaked as Catman tightened his grip. “If I die. The kid dies.”

Catman’s grip loosened and Toy-Man kicked Catman off of him. “You monster,” he growled.

Toy-Man stood up and opened a kitchen drawer. He pulled a gun out and pointed it at Catman. “You can’t stop me. People have tried for years to stop me. I’ve always gotten away with it. I can’t be stopped. I won’t be stopped. Especially by someone like you.”

Catman took a step toward Toy-Man who quickly turned the gun to himself, opened his mouth, and pulled the trigger. The gunshot echoed through the apartment and blood splattered on the kitchen wall, counter, and sink behind him. Catman heard quiet crying coming from one of the rooms. He followed the sound and found a young boy tied to a bed. Catman untied him, helped him get downstairs where the police were starting to pull up.

Catman took off across the rooftops, satisfied that the Toy-Man wouldn’t bother any other young children again. Catman rested on a rooftop and looked out over the city. He felt better about what he was doing. He couldn’t save his family. Couldn’t save his child but he could save others.

“He needed to go,” a voice behind him said. It was a woman’s voice. “The Order could be so much more if we had fewer like him in it.”

Catman turned around and saw a tall, redheaded woman in a green pantsuit standing with him on the rooftop. “Who are you?”

“I’m Ivy,” she answered. “I was sent to stop you. I waited because Albert needed to be taken care of first.”

“You’re part of the Order? But you’re a woman,” Catman lightly scoffed as he eyed Ivy.

“True but I think you’ll find that I am just as good and capable as any man,” she said and before Catman knew it, she was on top of him. She took his cat ears and began slamming his head onto the roof.

Catman tried to push her off or roll over but she was too strong and too flexible. Within a couple of minutes, Catman blacked out.

I Like the Use of the Moon

I learned a lot of things by riding on the bus. I also did a lot of things on the bus because, let's face it, short of actually causing an accident, it's mob rule on the school bus.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

I Mean, It Fooled You

You walking around the office should make you wide awake and alert. Why are you just wandering around the office anyway? Get back to your closet and go to sleep.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

The New 52

I wasn't able to post at my regular time because I had a job interview but I see that I didn't miss much. Nothing to insult here. Happy anniversary to the Born Loser and to Chip.

Tuesday, May 09, 2017

I Don't Think You Can Fire People For That

Hey now. Veeblefester isn't exactly svelte. Veeblefester is just better at hiding his fat because of his height and his suit.

Monday, May 08, 2017

The Suggestion Box Is Not a Joke

I love how employees always seem to think that a suggestion box means the things they put in will actually be adopted. I also love how Brutus seems to be kind of vindictive today. "My in-your-face suggestion about getting rid of those vanilla wafer cookies in the vending machine will make Veeblefester remember who's boss around here."

Sunday, May 07, 2017

Is Lord Right? Should It Be 'God'?

"Why do I need to do homework? These shoes will make me a basketball star. No need to save for retirement because I'm going to earn us a money bin with these shoes. King James will bow down to Lord Wilberforce."

Saturday, May 06, 2017

Man, Wilberforce Is Stupid

I've always "punched a time clock". Which is odd considering I've had at least three jobs where it could've been a salaried position but it's not true capitalism unless you hold people's money hostage for two weeks at a time.

Classic Magic #5

The tree stuck out of a field at a slight angle. Most of the branches hung over a ditch almost reaching where the road was. Jonah loved playing with the tree. It was easy to climb but with its many branches spreading all over, offered many different view of the fields surrounding his small town. Jonah felt different from the other kids in town, and it was because he was different. Jonah, along with most of his family, could do amazing things that other people couldn’t. In large cities and more developed countries, a human with magic was no big deal. They were just like everybody else. But in developing countries or small towns, a human with magic was still hanged or burned at the stake or something. Jonah didn’t want that to happen to him or anyone in his family so he kept quiet and his powers a secret.

But he was lonely. Aside from his brothers, who were too busy helping with the farm, and his sister, who was still too young and also a girl, Jonah didn’t have any friends. Except for this tree.

It had been awhile since Jonah had been outside. It rained for a week straight which was great for the crops but not so much for little boys. Jonah went out to his tree and immediately climbed it. The leaves were so green and more had shown up on the long branches. Jonah thought about his powers. He didn’t need to remain here in this tree. Jonah could bring the tree to life, go somewhere away from the roads, away from the city, and play with the tree. Then bring the tree back and put it back to normal. He had saw his father do a spell similar in order to move a rock in their field. His father and his brothers quickly rolled the rock out of the field and made it lifeless again.

Jonah ran his hands along a couple of branches and spoke the words he heard his father say. The branches began to move, almost like they were being blown by the wind. The tree began pulling its roots out of the ground. It suddenly made a terrible screech and was free from the earth.

The noise and the anger scared Jonah. Feeling something in its branches, the tree shook violently, small branches and leaves falling off. Jonah was thrown from the tree and landed hard on the side of the road, head splitting open on a rock. The tree screeched again and began lumbering toward the town, roots dragging along behind it.

As the tree entered the town, it smashed its branches into buildings and used its root to strangle and crush the necks of the townspeople. Jonah’s brother, George, happened to be in town buying grain when he saw the tree. Knowing what probably happened, he dropped the grain and ran back to the farm.

Realizing that Jonah was not around and that he had an affinity for a tree, his family went into a panic. The men quickly ran to town where the tree had decimated a good part of it. Numerous dead bodies were strewn about the cobbled roads. It appeared that some residents were able to get a spear and an axe into the tree but it was clear that they didn’t slow it down.

When Jonah’s father and his brothers brought the rock to life, as soon as the rock was out of the ground, they pushed it over and rolled it away as quick as they could and immediately turned it back to a lifeless object. They blamed themselves for not telling Jonah how inanimate objects act when brought to life. They blamed themselves for what was happening to their town.

George quickly tried to stop the tree but one of the roots came down, tearing through his chest and exiting his back. Jonah’s other brother, Lucas, created a flame to distract the tree while their father worked his magic.

Within seconds of the spell being cast, the roots attached to the ground and began sinking. The tree went silent and then lifeless. The tree went back to normal, as if nothing had happened, right near the center of town.

A man with a cart entered the city, carrying Jonah on top of his wares. His father gently touched Jonah’s hand and then lifted him off the cart and slowly carried him home to the farm. Jonah was gently placed on the ground by a tree near the house. Lucas grabbed a wool blanket from the barn and covered Jonah. Jonah’s mother and sister, Elizabeth, came out and started crying when they saw the covered body. Jonah’s father retrieved a shovel and began digging a hole for his son.

A hole was dug, Jonah was carefully lowered into it and covered with dirt. The family said a little prayer and began to head back to the barn to get a cart so they could retrieve George. As they walked away from the grave, they heard a commotion and looked back toward the town to see a mob of angry townspeople.

Friday, May 05, 2017

His Head Just Slides Down To His Chest

Seriously, Brutus is just sitting in his green chair staring at the wall. That can't be a comfortable chair to sit in and do nothing. Look at how scrunched Brutus' body looks. I'd rather be doing something anywhere else than nothing in that chair.

Thursday, May 04, 2017

Is This Becoming The Uncle Ted Show Now?

"I was deep into sailing."

"Are you still deep into sailing?"

"No, now I'm deep into debt."

"You're deep into debt?"

"Very deep."

"Is that why you live here?"

"Yep, deep in the basement."

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

It's Clear To Me But Most Office Phone Have Separate Lines

Ugh. I hate that. I normally don't like talking to people on the phone anyway but doing this telephone tag schtick is just terrible.

The only time I've ever felt comfortable talking on the phone was years ago when my best friend lived in Phoenix. We'd talk for hours about several different things. It was when we were trying to write a movie or TV show so we had a lot to talk about. Never been comfortable talking on the phone before or since.

Monday, May 01, 2017

Was It Heavy-Duty Plastic At Least?

I remember a "swanky" place where I used to live. The best Italian food in the city. Decent portions, fairly priced, just a model of what a good restaurant should be like. The best restaurant to ever be located in a gas station. Don't laugh. They were able to move out, renovate a new place, and are soon opening a second location. "Swank" doesn't matter as long as the food is good.