Monday, December 31, 2018

Where's Wilberforce?

I'll be honest, I miss Dick Clark, too. I miss pre-stroke Dick Clark. I don't know who Guy Lombardo is--he died in 1977--but he sounds about as lame as Dick Clark was the last ten or so years. Happy New Year's everyone.

Saturday, December 29, 2018

The Bionic Loser

I don't think Brutus knows anybody named Jeff. He's just been holding on this inflation joke for several days and finally had an excuse to tell it. Also, based on a quick search, with inflation, the Six Million Dollar Man would now cost Thirty-three million dollars. Still nowhere close to six billion, Brutus.

Friday, December 28, 2018

Where's Gladys?!

I have no idea what is being said in the last panel. I know what a wire transfer is but after that everything is just static.

Is Veeblefester throwing some sort of rich person three-day New Years party? That explains why Brutus is there all dressed up but not why Veeblefester is in his robe.

Somewhere in Veeblefester Manor, some Eyes Wide Shut wackiness is happening.

Thursday, December 27, 2018

Return of Creterman

 Well, they've lost this account.


One of the perks(?) of doing this everyday for the past eleven years is that you start to remember the little things. Sure, I don't remember names, dates or places anymore but I do remember that I've seen the name Creterman before. November 19, 2009 to be exact.
On the plus side, they lost the account and then got it back. So there's that.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018


If I were Brutus, I would be taking a look at my employment contract. Unless the year-end bonuses are specifically tied to performance, Brutus should be entitled to one. Even if they are performance based, Brutus should've been informed that he wasn't going to get a bonus before they were handed out.

This is a jerkass bold move, openly giving bonuses to everybody but one employee. But then again, Veeblefester is a jerkass bold man.

Tuesday, December 25, 2018

Salt for the Salty

😑 Why is she questioning the cashews? It's not like Brutus got her coal. He got Gladys some candy which we all know she loves and his mother-in-law some cashews which are a perfectly acceptable Christmas gift. Not that this means Brutus still wouldn't have said "nuts for the nut" but I don't understand why she seems confused by the cashews.

Monday, December 24, 2018

How Could Pop Know That About Santa? Unless...*gasp!*

You should also put out a little Bailey's with the cookies and coffee. *nudge, nudge, wink, wink, Say no more, say no more*

Why does Brutus need coffee so late at night? Is he going to stay up and put stuff together? That's crap. Just wait until the morning.

That fireplace looks fake.

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Arjon #4

“Man is basically good,” Dr. Coot began. “But history has shown us that man will throw those who we love and care about off a cliff if it benefits us.”

“I don’t believe that,” Arjon pshawed. “Sure there are a few bad apples but for the most part, man is good.”

“A few bad apples spoil the bunch.”

Arjon pshawed again. “As you said, man is basically good.”

“You are too trusting of everybody,” Dr. Coot said.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“You can’t trust everybody blindly. That is a recipe for betrayal.”

“Why can’t I trust people until they hurt me?”

“Because it may be too late,” Dr. Coot replied ominously. “Let me explain.”

“I’m gonna do the Pad Challenge someday,” Caleb said.

“You say that every time you’re here. Which is a lot because we eat here, like, every day,” Brittany said. “Quit talking about and just do it.”

“It’s a five pound hamburger. Easier said than done,” Caleb scoffed.

“It’s not that bad. I did it,” Brittany revealed.

“What? You? You took the Pad Challenge?”

“No. I completed the Pad Challenge. And I could do it again.”

“We haven’t ordered. Do it right now,” Caleb said.

“Do what right now?” Randy asked, sitting down at their booth.

“Brittany says she could do the Pad Challenge.”

“Oh, I believe it. She’s got some meat on her. Look at those legs. And that little hint of paunch,” Randy pointed out.

“I’ll have you know, guys love my paunch,” Brittany huffed.

“Oh, I bet,” Randy winked and clicked his tongue.

“Humans being terrible is more than just pointing and saying ‘Hey, look at Hitler over there.’ You don’t have to look at dictators to see how awful human can be. Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Tommy Dursey, Jack Wahball, Bill Doughty.”

“Who are those last three?”

“Kids from the street I grew up on. I would play keep-away with them using a water balloon and somehow always ended up soaked in urine.”

“Those were all men. Don’t women do anything bad?”

“Certainly. The difference is if a woman does something bad, men declare her ‘hysterical’, deem her insane, and burn her at the stake. One evil woman you may have heard of is Elizabeth Bathory who slept with and killed young girls for their blood in an effort to stay young.”

“See? That’s the problem with humans, you don’t look at the majority of the people, you look at the minority and base your assumptions on the outliers,” Arjon said. “What’s interesting is that white men seem to get a pass.”

“Whoa, whoa!” Dr. Coot exclaimed, holding his hand out. “White men are not on trial here.”

“They’re barely on trial anywhere.”

“Have any Bananas committed atrocities?” Dr. Coot asked.

“Generations ago, there was one, Maroy, who invited colonizers to our village. They slaughtered dozens and began a war. After about four years, the colonizers quit sending people to fight because they realized that we have no resources. While the atrocities were committed by colonizers--white men, just so you know--Maroy was captured, tried, and convicted for attempted genocide. Note that even though white men did those horrible things to my ancestors, I don’t blame all white men for it. I don’t blame Caleb or Randy or even you despite you looking and sounding exactly like the colonizers.”

Dr. Coot stopped writing and stared at Arjon.

Brittany was halfway through the hamburger, ketchup was dripping from her mouth with each bite. She was noticeably sweating and breathing heavily.

“You can stop, Brittany. You’re killing yourself,” Randy proclaimed.

“This is a $30 burger. I can’t afford that. I have to finish it,” she said, slightly gurgling. She continued eating, a small crowd had gathered around her, cheering her on.

“I’m confused why this is the most exciting thing I’ve seen in a long time,” Randy said.

“I’m confused why I’m so turned on right now,” Caleb revealed.

“How has your time here been going?” Dr. Coot asked, changing the subject.

“It’s good. I have four good friends and Brittany used me to help keep her ex-boyfriend away,” Arjon answered.

“Do you think you’re going to stay? Are you going to try and become a citizen?”

“I’ll stay as long as I’m in school. I don’t know about citizenship.”

“If you are interested in citizenship, we can help you with that.”

“Maybe. While I’m having a good time here, I am homesick. I do plan on going back to my village during the summer,” Arjon revealed.

Dr. Coot nodded. “Thank you for coming in today. I’ll see you next week.”

Arjon got to the Pad and saw a crowd around Brittany, Caleb, and Randy. She was down to the last couple of bites. She was slumped in her chair. Her pants were undone and she had unbuttoned her shirt. “Go Brittany,” Arjon cheered, following what everyone else was doing.

Brittany saw his face, grabbed the burger and held it up in ceremony. She took a big bite, slowly chewed, and swallowed. She then put the last bite in her mouth, slowly chewed, and swallowed. The whole crowd cheered. Brittany stayed seated but raised her arms.

The cheering died down and soon the crowd dispersed. Arjon sat down next to Brittany. “I missed a lot while I was with Dr. Coot,” Arjon said.

“They...dared me,” she panted and halfheartedly pointed at Caleb and Randy. “Can’t afford…$30 hamburger.”

“I’m sorry I missed most of it. At least I got to see the grand finale,” Arjon said.

Brittany sunk more into the booth and farted, loud and long. When done, Brittany placed her hand on her stomach and smiled. “Oh, yeah,” she moaned.

“Why am I even more turned on now?” Caleb leaned over and quietly asked Randy.

Did She Not Taste It?

Back in April, I had the honor to be present and help out with burial excavation. I just happened to get in contact with the right person at the right time and was very excited. I was there with the property owner, a representative from the Kansas State Historical Society, a former Kansas Bureau of Investigation officer from Wichita State, and anthropology students from Washburn University working on forensic field work. The purpose of the excavation was to give the students some hands-on experience, do an exam on the remains, if possible, and reinter the remains with the family in the nearby cemetery. We all went into this knowing the probability for actually finding anything was next to none. But was excited nonetheless mainly for spending an entire day on the property and watching the students work.

The morning was filled with them just getting the area ready to be dug. Basically, it was things that typically get cut out of, or are part of a quick-paced montage, in episodes of Bones or the CSIs. It was still interesting to watch and a lot of hard work that has to be as precise as possible. A lot of work went into preparing the small grave site for excavation. After they got the dig site set up, we broke for lunch at a neighbor's house where we talked about the history of the area. We then drove to the cemetery to look at the family plot and where the remains, if any, would be reinterred. After the cemetery, we were back at the dig site and work began.

I wandered around the property and talked with the property owner for most of the afternoon, occasionally watching the students work while trying to stay out of their way. Work at the dig site started at about 1 and lasted until a little after 5 or so. They dug about a foot down in a space about a foot and a half where a gravestone had rested. They hadn't found anything dating back as far as the dates on the stone. Heavy machinery was brought out and the search widened slightly. We dug to the top of a limestone layer. Still, nothing dating back to the date of the gravestone was found. The space they had dug was about three feet wide and two feet deep.

Despite nothing of note being found, it was still an educational experience for all involved. It was, by far, my favorite thing about 2018 and I'm hoping 2019 has similar experiences.
A view of the hole dug from inside the nearby home.
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Gladys, they already have a coffee flavor that captures the essence of the holidays. It's called peppermint. Right after Thanksgiving, coffee shops toss out their pumpkin spice to make room for peppermint. It's like drinking a hot liquid candy cane.

Saturday, December 22, 2018

Christmas Shopping

I've tried this year to buy gifts throughout the year or at least find something to buy. It's worked out pretty well but it's still not perfect. I only really buy gifts for two people, how many does Brutus buy for? I can only think of three. Four with Uncle Ted. Veeblefester might actually demand Christmas gifts to guarantee job security in the coming new year.

Friday, December 21, 2018

Complain-y Solstice

The school day is still the same length, guys.

We still had students at school today. Our winter break is technically December 24th through January 7th. Yep, our winter break begins on Christmas freaking Eve.

Thursday, December 20, 2018

Not Enough But At the Same Time Too Much

Henny Youngman is an odd thing to reference with Vaudeville. Youngman isn't considered a part of Vaudeville, having come into comedy in the 1940s. The strip almost makes it clear who it's geared toward. People who know who the hell Henny Youngman is.

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

$149?! Get Outta Here


No. I'm calling this comic out. I did a search for remote controlled monster trucks on Amazon and found dozens of reasonably priced monster trucks ranging from $20 to $70. And the difference between those and the pricier ones are negliglible. Just get your boy the cheaper one and if complains, just say "Well, I guess I could've gotten you nothing."

Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Big Mistake

"I know I make more than my share of mistakes, Chief. I know that I routinely come in fifteen minutes to two hours later every day. I know I always lose important files that our clients need. I know that constantly fall asleep at my desk. I know that I am responsible for the fire in warehouse. I know that I'm the reason Robert Mueller is looking into our finances. But believe me, I don't take them lightly..."

Monday, December 17, 2018

The Restaurant Is So Fancy They Don't Even Have Dish Descriptions In the Menu

God. What was wrong with the Sixties? Thankfully, Vietnam and Watergate helped put an end to all that happy free-for-all.

I did a Google search for dances from the Sixties and it led me a Wikipedia article on novelty and fad dances. I'd worry about the state of our young people but this has been happening since at least 1826 so clearly we're immune to the ill-effects of bad and made-up dancing.

Sunday, December 16, 2018

The Word Balloons Seem Bigger

There are going to be some changes to everything I do when the new year hits. First, a change to this site. All the Story Series will be coming to an end with the April issues. I am going to start using the Sunday posts for stories, research, and everything else I want to showcase. I've been contemplating this writing stuff for awhile now and decided that I need to focus on my novels first and foremost. I want to get at least one of the novels I am working on currently finished by the end of 2019 and I can't focus on those if I need to get twelve issues of Supercomics or Tank N Tummy written as well. They will still be around in some capacity though as shorter stories included with the Sunday edition of Losers Are Made, Not Born.

Second, a revamp in my social media presence. I have decided to delete my Facebook at the end of the year. It has not really been a good year for Facebook and, really, I am just tired of their crap. I also plan on ending my Instagram, or at least cutting back on its usage. In their stead, I plan on utilizing Twitter more for my short history posts, pictures, and promotion. Honestly, I just do Twitter better than other social media.

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If Hurricane Hattie could have just one present this Christmas it would be for all the children to hold hands and sing for peace. Barring that, she'll just take a credit card with no limit. Whichever is easier to make happen.

Saturday, December 15, 2018

Making a List

Does Brutus not know the difference between a piece of paper with homework on it and a piece of paper with just a list on it?

Either way, Brutus seems happy about it.

Friday, December 14, 2018

Remake of a Remake

The fact that the remake of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" is the second remake makes you even older. Let's not forget the Jeffrey Tambor / Taylor Momsen version from 2000. It's the only movie where you can see this:

Thursday, December 13, 2018


I've discussed before that it seems very clear that Brutus is pretty high up on food chain at The Veeblefester Corporation because not only does he have his own clients to sell to, he also seems to be in charge of verifying sales and is even sent out to try to keep accounts they might be about to lose. The only way I could see Brutus being that far down in the pyramid is if the entire row is everyone else who works there and Veeblefester is every other row above that.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018


I understand what's going on here. You understand it, too, right? I have to give credit that this isn't a joke about the caloric situation here but Wilberforce's stupidity on how you eat nuts. "You're supposed to eat the shells?" "Yes, Wilberforce, you are. Here, have one. I hope you choke on it."

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

O'Dooley's Irish Pub

So the Chef's Special is the cheap crap they got when when ordered a certain amount of another, more expensive, and better thing? I'm not just guessing. I've seen at least two articles that say not to get whatever the special is at a restaurant because it's probably 1)not of the best quality or 2)about to go bad. Brutus read that damn squirrel article but not the food-related ones?

Monday, December 10, 2018

Monday Coffee

"Then why are walking up to me with them? Why are you teasing me with your double-fisted coffee? That's not what a good friend would do. Maybe you aren't really my buddy!"

Sunday, December 09, 2018

Tank N Tummy #10

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Three Exclamation Points

I’ve found little information on the small hamlet of Aladdin (or Alladin) which, as far as can tell, was just a post office site for several farmers in the area. The post office lasted from April 29, 1875 until September 5, 1881. The area was also known as Collinwood and Collinwood Farm and consisted of about 20 families, the Collinwoods being the most prominent. The most information I could find said that Aladdin was located along Washington Creek so it may have been somewhere near where Lone Star Lake is now since before a post office at Lone Star was established the area had several small post offices including Alfred, Gideon, Bond and Echo.

In May of 1875, shortly after being established, Henry Webber was appointed the postmaster of the Aladdin. Webber lived in section 15 of Willow Springs Township about a mile north of the Washington Creek Church on East 550 Road.
1873 map of Henry Webber's property in Willow Springs, Douglas County, Kansas.
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Yep. The forecast sure called for snow. 10% to be precise. It seems Veeblefester has more sacks of money next to his desk than usual. Probably why he has that picture of himself out again. He's so damn proud of himself.

Saturday, December 08, 2018


It must not be that cold considering what you are wearing so the snow isn't going to accumulate. You don't even have to drive in it, you're riding the bus.

Friday, December 07, 2018

Snow Day

I have to admit that despite being early in the morning after a night of snow, the sidewalks seem nicely cleared off. It usually takes me about six hours to get to clearing my sidewalk after it snows.

Thursday, December 06, 2018

The Math Problem

In 1938, the play Gaslight opened. It featured a husband manipulating and changing specific things in he and his wife's environment and then saying she was mistaken or just plain wrong when she would point out the changes. The play spawned two feature film releases and the phrase "gaslighting" which is when someone tries to manipulate someone psychologically either through denial, misdirection, contradiction, or outright lying.

That being said, I don't necessarily know what Veeblefester is doing here but I don't like it.

Wednesday, December 05, 2018

Beginning to Spend a Lot Like Christmas

If you can't afford to pay for gifts with your regular paycheck then you sure as hell can't afford credit card debt. Didn't Jimmy Carter try to warn us about this?

Is that seriously a story in the newspaper? This is why people don't like newspapers anymore. When they should be reporting on why the roads are so bad and why even have a mayor if they have no power, they instead do pointless stories that basically equate to "Hey, It's December 5th!"

Tuesday, December 04, 2018

Just Slap Some Bumper Stickers On It and Go To Bed

Screw real trees, just get a fake one you can use every year that's pre-lit. Then you can just cram it back into the box when the holiday is over. If you choose to put ornaments on, then just wrap your tree in Saran wrap and keep everything just as is.

Or just start celebrating Festivus.

Monday, December 03, 2018

She's Taking Our Jobs

Twenty bucks? Just for waving a stupid reverse vacuum around the yard? That's a pretty good racket if you can get it.

Sunday, December 02, 2018

Tauy Creek Digest #51: The Wedding Ex

I don’t know why I came, Kate thought. I don’t know why he invited me. We hadn’t seen each other in just over five years and I couldn’t tell if the invitation was an attempt to make amends or to rub his stupid, perfect life in my face. Since there was nothing to make amends for—I dumped him because I got bored with him and, for some reason, he was opposed to me cheating on him—I figured it was just to show off his stupid wife and brag. I could brag, too. We had sex just about every day, have they? If he’s good in bed, it’s because I showed him what to do. We loved each other first so he’s marrying you because I made him comfortable with showing his love. Chris wouldn’t be the man he is today if it weren’t for me.

Before the ceremony, Chris made his way to the front of the church, greeting everybody as he walked by. He looks amazing in his suit, Kate stared and nodded approvingly. He never wore a suit around me. Chris approached her and gently took her hands.

“Thank you for coming, Kate,” he smiled sweetly at her. “I went back and forth on wanting to invite you but you were such an important part of my life I wanted to do something to thank you. Enjoy the ceremony, the dinner, and open bar.”

Oh, you bet your ass, I will, Kate smiled sweetly back at him. “Thank you.” I drifted in and out during the ceremony. I was close to standing up when the pastor asked if there was anyone who objected to the marriage but I don’t object to it, I just don’t like it. Why is that a thing that they ask during a wedding? Seems like it’s just asking for trouble but I’m sure it had a reason at one time.

After the ceremony, the wedding moved to a hotel where they rented a ballroom, had a caterer, and set aside a block of rooms for people to stay in. Like an idiot, I said that I would be staying at the hotel. My roommate was some woman named Marci. I never knew a Marci. Was she a new friend of his or one of hers. Maybe Marci was one of her exes. Maybe Marci and I could team-up to destroy their marriage. I began to doubt Marci was an ex-girlfriend of what’s-her-name but a girl can dream.

I went downstairs and got ready to eat. There were several speeches made—bridesmaid, friend of the bride, friend of the groom, best man—all yammering about friendship and love and how they all met each other. I wondered what they would’ve said about us. We were supposed to save our champagne for the toast that the groom made but I snuck several sips from my glass. During the toast, I dinged the empty glass with the person next to me and faked taking a drink.

After we ate, a kind of snack bar stayed open along with the actual bar which I did take advantage of. How could they afford an open bar? I once had to loan him $400 to pay his rent. Does she have money? I watched them dance with each other, their parents, each other’s parents, and then everyone else. It was sweet although I never recalled him as a dancer. For most of the night, I sat in a corner of the ballroom and watched everybody else have fun. I wanted to have fun as well.

He was fairly attractive. He had slightly longer hair than I liked but I liked his facial hair. I also figured he was single since he didn’t seem to be focused on just one person. I kept an eye on him and headed toward him just before midnight when he walked up to the bar. Most people had left and really the only ones left were probably staying in the hotel. I went up to him and introduced himself.

“Hi, I’m Kate.”

“Hey,” he smiled at me. “Isaac.”

“Friend of the bride or groom?”

“Groom,” he answered. Perfect.

“Are you staying at the hotel?”

“Yeah. You?”


“You wanna go upstairs to your room and I’ll suck your dick?” I nonchalantly asked, looking at my drink.

My plan was to get him hot and bothered and then force myself on him. I know I could’ve just asked if he wanted to have sex but in my head the story sounded better if this guy told Chris, in some way, that he was assaulted by Kate at his wedding. That thought made me hornier as Cameron and I halfway stumbled to his room.

In the room, I undid his pants and pulled them down before shoving him into a chair. I took him in my mouth and loved the way he grew while in there. I reached under my skirt and began playing with myself, getting ready to throw myself on top of him. I wanted him hard and caught off guard.

But he caught me off guard. He bucked and went further down my throat and grabbed my head. He ejaculated and filled my mouth. Like a good girl, I took it and waited before removing my mouth.

“Seriously?” I shouted.


“You came so quickly.”

“It felt really good.”

I watched him go limp then stood up and left. “Fuck,” I muttered and walked to my room. The door had a note taped to it near the handle. Dear roomie, Brought this guy back to our room. Hope that’s OK. Feel free to come in but be warned. And it was signed Marci and with a winking face emoji. I rolled my eyes. I wanted to go in so I could lie down but paused because I didn’t want to interrupt or even witness whatever Marci was doing with her guy and I know the beds were in the same room.

I went downstairs to the lobby. It was almost one and the lobby was quiet and empty. Only the person behind the front desk was there. I sat down in a big chair in a room with a TV that had CNN on mute. I watched for a bit—mostly reading the bottom third and the news scroll until I fell asleep.

I Love Shanties

Ken Berry, star of such TV shows as Mayberry R.F.D., F-Troop, and Mama's Family has passed away at the age of 85. He became fascinated with dancing at the age of 13 and was entered into many variety shows. In 1955, at the behest of his army sergeant, Leonard Nimoy, he went to Los Angeles where he studied acting. It was at the Billy Barnes Revue that he caught the eye of Lucille Ball who offered him a job at Desilu Studios. The next several years would see him get the lead in the western comedy F-Troop and then as the replacement for Andy Griffith in the continuation series Mayberry R.F.D. He also appeared in the pilot for Kelly's Kids, a Brady Bunch spin-off that wasn't picked up.
The next few years were a little slow for him but he continued to travel the country and perform on stage. He had appeared numerous times as a guest on The Carol Burnett Show and was given the role of Vinton Harper on Mama's Family, a spin-off of one of the recurring sketches. While the series was canceled after two seasons, it was later picked up for first-run syndication, lasting three more seasons. After Mama's Family, Ken Berry all but retired from acting, his last role being in an episode of Maggie Winters in 1999.

"Yeah, that's funny. So are you really never eating lobster again or will you be joining us tonight?"

Seafood's not that great. There. I said it. And no amount of butter or fried bread coating will change my mind. Come at me!

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Saturday, December 01, 2018

Him So Smart

I call bull on this. There is no way that Wilberforce would use such a big word like "intelligent."

This is very true. Kids should automatically think their parents are the smartest people in the world because they know very few people and parents generally seem to be pretty smart. I don't know why Brutus is getting upset, Wilberforce is a kid saying kid things.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Thursday, November 29, 2018


At least this question doesn't involve Uncle Ted being old and how to cope with it.

Is it really considered "avoiding excess" if you don't have the money to get any excess?

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

Surprised She Didn't Go With Veeblefester

Wow, Ms. Preen. I know that you are just doing your job but you don't have to have that smile on your face like you're getting some perverse pleasure out of this.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018

What's This Mean?

I'm guessing Brutus tried to get into the new exclusive restaurant, Clēv, and they were booked for the next two years so Brutus just went to his usual diner. It's the only scenario where what he's talking about works so you have to give me this.

Monday, November 26, 2018

The Article Wasn't That Interesting

Uh, nice try, but no I don't.

I used to be one of those people who would rake as soon as all the leaves were off the trees and then do one last mow to chop up what I didn't get. Then I read, probably, the same article and decided to stop raking. Not only does it help with the insects but it also helps squirrels and other rodent creatures find good food for the winter months. I'll get to those leaves in the spring. They'll still be there.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Arjon #3

The small Toyota Tercel puttered noisily down the highway then exited for Borton College.

Arjon and Brittany walked together from the student union where they had breakfast together. “I love breakfast food,” Arjon said. “Breakfast food is definitely something I’m taking back to my village.”

“Breakfast food is pretty good. Your village doesn’t have eggs?”

“We have eggs but they are usually put in recipes or hard-boiled for easy use and eating on the go. We don’t scramble them.”

“Were any of your classes canceled?” Brittany asked.

“Just my algebra class which is fine because it’s the only class I’m failing.”

“We’re only two weeks into school. How can you already be failing?”

“We don’t have math in my village. It’s hard to do algebra when you barely know what a number is.”

“I guess that would be a problem,” Brittany sighed.

“Brittany Simonson,” someone suddenly leapt out of the bushes with a bouquet of flowers. “I have been without you for too long and am on bended knee asking you to take me back.”

“Oh, farts,” Brittany said.

“All of my classes canceled, I’m spending all day in bed,” Randy said.

“Mine too so I’m here to stay as well,” Caleb replied.

“I bet I can stay in bed longer than you,” Randy challenged.

“Really? This is something you want to fight about?”


“You’re on. And I’m going to win.”

“What are you doing here, Brian?” Brittany asked.

“I am asking for your heart and you’re hand back,” Brian said. “We’ve been apart for three months and the saying is true: Absence does make the heart grow fonder.”

“Who is this guy?” Arjon asked.

“His name is Brian. We dated in high school. We broke up a few weeks before college started. He has now apparently went crazy, went into a ‘stalker’ phase and is only a few steps away from opening fire or mowing people down in a van during a walkathon.”

“Oh my.”


“All I ask is one date to try and rekindle our love. If our does not reignite then I will happily leave. If you turn me down or you are giving your heart to someone else then I’ll still leave but I won’t happy,” Brian pleaded.

“Now that you mention it, I am seeing someone,” Brittany grabbed Arjon’s arm. “Arjon. Arjon and I are dating.”

“Oh, I love these plots,” Dewey suddenly said.

“Where’d you come from?” Arjon asked.

“I’ve been here,” Dewey dropped his backpack on the ground, opened it, and pulled out a bag of popcorn. “Mm?” he offered Arjon some.

“How did you know to make this in advance?” Arjon took a handful and ate it. “How is this still hot?” he asked.

“You’re dating a banana?” Brian finally stood up.

“He’s a very nice guy,” Brittany said.

“He’s produce,” Brian scoffed.

“Be nice,” Brittany replied angrily to Brian.

“Quick question,” Arjon spoke up “how does dating me factor into this? He said he would leave whether or not you were dating anyone.”

Brittany leaned in close to Arjon’s ear and whispered “If I’m single, he may still try to get back together with me. If I’m dating someone maybe he will move on and leave me alone.”

“Gotcha,” Arjon responded loudly.

“The three of us should have lunch together,” Brian suggested. “So I can see how good you are together.”

“You’re nuts. We don’t have to prove our relationship to you. Just leave. Go home,” Brittany demanded.

“I think I’ll stay a while,” Brian swayed on the balls of his feet. “Unless we can have lunch together.”

“I don’t think this kind of plot holds up these days,” Dewey acknowledged, chewing on popcorn.

“Fine. Lunch. And then I load you up into your stupid Tercel and bid you a fond farewell.”

“You know me so well. I do still have the Tercel. Remember the things we used to do in that Tercel?” Brian gave her the bedroom eyes.

“I remember the cramps and lack of satisfaction,” Brittany sighed.

“So lunch?”

“Lunch. And then you’re gone.”

Back at the dorms, Caleb was still in bed playing a game on his phone. Randy was partially under the covers, both hands underneath and Randy staring intently at them. “What are you doing?” Despite making very little movement, what Randy was doing was still very distracting as Caleb played his game.


“Are you wetting the bed?”

“Of course not. I’m doing it in a two-liter bottle. Well, one point five liters.”

“That’s not fair. I don’t have anything to pee in and I really need to go.”

“It’s not my fault that you actually clean your half of the room,” Randy brought the bottle out from under the covers. “I can put the lid back on and toss it to you.”

“No. That’s okay,” Caleb said. “Just...keep it.”

At the Pad, the odd date was going better than expected. Arjon and Brittany sat next to each other with Brian across from them. Dewey was sitting across the aisle from them, still watching them.

“I’m glad that you have found someone,” Brian said. “I want you to be happy and I couldn’t see you being happy with anyone else but me but here we are.”

“Because women can only be happy if they have a man, is that right?” Brittany commented.

“Exactly,” Brian replied. “You two go good together.”

“She’ll be a fine addition to my village,” Arjon said and pulled Brittany closer to him.

“Wait. What?” she pulled away. “I’m not moving to your village. I am too comfortable with technology, air conditioning, and humans,” Brittany said.

“We’ll talk about it at the engagement ceremony,” Arjon laughed.

“This was a good lunch. I should get back. I told work that I was going on break. That was four hours ago,” Brian stood up. He gave Brittany a hug and Arjon a handshake and left.

As Brian left, Caleb and Randy came in. “Hey, guys, how has your day been going?” Brittany asked.

“All of our classes were canceled so we tried to see who could stay in bed all day,” Caleb said.

“Who won?” asked Arjon.

“No one. We got hungry and no one was near the door to have something delivered or near our mini-fridge,” Randy said. “We’re starving.”

Basic Instincts

Dorn County was established with the creation of Kansas Territory. It comprised the southern half of what is now Neosho County and all of what is now Labette County. The oldest settlement is St. Paul, founded in 1847 as Osage Mission. Most other communities were not founded until the 1870s. In 1861, the American Civil War broke out and the namesake of Dorn County, Andrew Jackson Dorn, who was a general in the U.S. Army and Indian Agent for the Osage, joined the Confederacy. Kansas, now a state, split Dorn County in half and renamed the north half Neosho County, for the Neosho River which winds through much of the county, and the south half Labette County, for the French word "the beast".

In the 1870s, there were still very few people in the area. The largest towns were Coffeyville, Chetopa, and Oswego which were still just small frontier trail stops. In June 1876, Alexander Pattison and Mr. Booth started a small store in Elm Grove Township. From there a small community became established. A post office was started in 1878 and the town of Edna was officially platted in 1886 when the railroad was extended into the area. Edna was incorporated in 1892.

The name Edna, considering which source you use, came from someone's name. According to a list of place name origins, Edna came from a child in the area, Edna Gragory. According to the city, it came from Edna Wimmer, the wife of Owen Wimmer, who were early settlers of the town although, if I can be completely honest, I found no evidence of an Edna Wimmer married to Owen Wimmer. The only Owen Wimmer in the area I found was married to Melinda E. Wimmer. It's possible the E stood for Edna but I haven't looked that far into it.

In 1913, the town was shocked by the death of Mrs. C.B. Littleton, the wife of the local reverend. The death was easily ruled a suicide but the town began questioning that when Reverend Littleton and his organist disappeared. Over the next few months, the story got stranger and the people of Edna and the rest of southeast Kansas tried to understand how something like this could happen there.

I have a goal set up on Ko-Fi to finish research on this story. While a lot of it can be done from home, I would like to go down to Edna and do research in the area and talk to locals about the story. If you would to support my research into this small town scandal, or any of my writing or research, you can give money over at Ko-Fi.

I'm going to ignore the moronic conversation Brutus and Wilberforce are talking about and question how Wilberforce doesn't know that birds fly south for the winter and that it's all based on instincts. I don't get how the public education system is failing Wilberforce so badly.