Saturday, April 30, 2022

Death Waits for No Golfer

"There are some mornings that I don't even recognize him, he's so obsessed with golf. He's not even very good at it but still subjects himself to it every other weekend or so. I've prepared myself for the inevitable but I worry about the other kids whose fathers subject themselves to golf."

It's nice that Uncle Ted's high school buddy died doing what he loved but that doesn't change the fact that he keeled over on a golf course, which are very difficult for paramedics to get to. It's very possible that if he was doing nearly any other hobby, Uncle Ted's high school buddy would still be alive.

Friday, April 29, 2022

It's a Brutus' Dozen

Four?! Geez, I can forgive one. Maybe...maybe two, but four?! I get the feeling this meeting isn't going to go great.

I hope Brutus spent the entire car ride to work from Dodo's Donuts and upstairs to Veeblefester's office repeatedly thinking "Please don't look in the box. Please don't look in the box. Please don't look in the box. Please don't..."

Brutus is not a fan of Arbor Day. Brutus hates trees. They're hard to mow around and then he just has to deal with the leaves that fall to the ground. Brutus is going to cut that tree down and if his tree-hugging hippie son goes with it then so be it.

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Mother Gargle Has No Interest In Peace

I'm sorry but until Mother Gargle can learn to respect me, she's not allowed in my house.

Has Brutus gotten shorter? Well, no wonder you can't get any respect from your mother-in-law. No one likes an incredibly shrinking Brutus.

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

Brutus, We Just Came In Here To Ask About Dinner

Did Brutus go to a small high school? I find it hard to believe they'd keep a debate class with only one student. Unless it was an after-school program that Brutus did, if there's only one student in class then the school just shrugs and goes "Well, I guess there isn't going to be a debate team this year."

I can't see Brutus being any good at debating. I mean, we've all seen the way Gladys, Veeblefester, Mother Gargle, Wilberforce, and the woman at the diner just rake Brutus over the coals.

Monday, April 25, 2022

Get Ready for Mo' Problems

I'm going to focus on the elephant in this comic strip. The use of the phrase 'purchasing power'. Who talks like that? Gladys needs to understand that they should be using extra money to shore up their finances and saving it for their future. Instead, she wants to continue to buy moronic tchotchkes.

Don't get me wrong, I buy moronic tchotchkes too but I feel guilty about it because I'm damaged from growing up poor.

Sunday, April 24, 2022

Surely My Child's Stupidity Isn't My Fault

Why are we getting report cards in late April? Report cards come out at the end of each quarter. Is it a progress report? If it's a progress report then you should already know Wilberforce was doing poorly in school. But let's be honest here, it's probably the teacher's fault. She's probably too busy discussing critical race theory and talking about homosexuality while showing the students pictures of trans genitalia that the kids don't know what's what. Gladys should go yell at the school board.

"What books are you teaching my child in there?"

"Why don't you come visit and see for your..."

"No, no. Just ban them all. Don't make me get my state legislator involved."

Saturday, April 23, 2022

Brutus Is Like a Transformer

oh gee look another fat joke ha ha

It's odd that Brutus tries to go to great lengths to say he is more than he is. There's nothing more to Brutus. What you see is what you get. Brutus shows no ambition, seems to have no goals or really any hobbies anymore (haven't seen him play golf since July), and seems perfectly fine with his station in life. Not to mention he rarely fights back when someone wrongs him or messes up his diner order.

Anyway, Mother Gargle does notice that she and Brutus (and Gladys) all have the same build, right?

Friday, April 22, 2022

I'd Be Upset Too If You Were an Hour Late and Didn't Call and Let Me Know

"How mad was he"? Veeblefester is always mad. How would you know he was mad about this exact thing?

I would've liked to be there as Veeblefester shouted across the building "Payroll! Dock Thornapple one hour!" and payroll shout back "Done!"

Thursday, April 21, 2022

Hey There, It's Yogi Ber-ra

Brutus, have any of your teams ever had a comeback before? If anything, Brutus' team is ahead and then the other teams begins scoring ultimately winning. That's the worst kind of loss.

And of course he's still watching. He has to watch until the bitter end.

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

The Magic Is Over

I think it's time to draw up some divorce papers. I mean, if being promised to give you the best of everything is the only reason you got married then that marriage is doomed from the start. It's just a shame that there's a kid involved.

Maybe Brutus and Gladys will leave Wilberforce out of their divorce like they leave him out of dinner, family game night and road trips.

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Pie Is Pie

While I'm not thrilled about Gladys shattering another beloved piece of Brutus' childhood, I do appreciate that not only was the pie from a local bakery, they are still open and still making the most amazing pies. I hope it's a place like LaVerne's Pies Tires Fixed Also.

Monday, April 18, 2022

Gladys Says It's Too Early In the Morning for Brutus' Crap

If you had a physical subscription or one of those hybrid you get both subscriptions then you could be looking at your newspaper without having to rely on your internet. I have to give props to Brutus for having a subscription to his local newspaper. It makes me think Chip has one as well even if it's just to see his own comic strip in print.

Sunday, April 17, 2022

I Don't Really Know Where I Was Going With Today's Post

Credit card companies don't do this. No company does this. You could be laying on the floor, hacked to pieces and your credit card won't do anything. You want your credit card company to acknowledge your death? Then get a family member or something to call them and even then they'll probably need a death certificate so make sure you get an extra one ordered or maybe several. But enough about death and being hacked to pieces...

Despite not being an Easter comic, the color palette is very Easter-y.

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Fresh Eggs? In This Economy?

You know, I had completely forgotten that an "Easter Bunny" supposedly hides decorated eggs for the children to find. My family just always used plastic eggs with candy or coins in them. I'm not too thrilled with Wilberforce still believing in the Easter Bunny though or that Brutus and Gladys buy fresh eggs, boil them, decorate them, and hide them.

Honestly, Easter just makes no sense and the more you think about it, the less sense it makes. I need to go take some headache powder and lay down for a minute.

Friday, April 15, 2022

Same, Gladys. Same.

Waitaminute! Chip can acknowledge the baseball strike that happened this year and only lasted three months but a goddamn pandemic that we are entering our third year of doesn't even get a mention (unless you count this ill-timed strip).

There was a poll on USA Today asking who was to blame for the lockout--players, owners, both, don't know--and "both" won with "owners" coming in second. All I could think was "Where's the 'who cares' option?" Ugh, I hate baseball. Though not as much as professional basketball.

I'm sure Brutus feels the same way about what Gladys watches. One would think Gladys watches Antiques Roadshow or those weird buying or flipping houses shows on TLC but you know Gladys watches trash. Utter trash.

I know I probably lost the baseball crowd but if you like what I do and would like to support me, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Thursday, April 14, 2022

I've Never Seen Such a Big Smile Get So Small

Before we get into today's comic strip we're going to take a look at a Born Loser comic strip from yesteryear. 1983, to be exact. Look at this comic that would never pass the editor in this day and age.
Not only is Brutus just randomly tossing, at best a firecracker, at worst a stick of dynamite, willy-nilly in a populated area, he's going to blow up who I'm assuming is Kewpie. The date on the comic is July 3 so I guess this is a Fourth of July comic and what's more patriotic and American than annoying your neighbors, blowing up small chunks of land, and injuring something innocent?

If previous strips are any indication, the Thornapples are just a paycheck away from losing everything (or killing and eating Wilberforce). How bad do you think Veeblefester will feel if he comes to work one day and sees Brutus' family living in their car in the company parking lot?

Wednesday, April 13, 2022

Wilberforce Has Heard of Tiger Woods

I have nothing against Tiger Woods. He's a guy battling his demons and he seems to want to make amends and just continue living his life, but there's a couple parts of his life that aren't really suitable for younger audiences.

You know what's a good documentary? Watching old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries and looking up if the cases have ever been solved.

Tuesday, April 12, 2022

You Also Shouldn't Shout About Having a Hundred Dollar Bill

You shouldn't send cash--especially a $100 bill--through the mail. I know people do it, but you shouldn't.

If it was a $100 bill, who sent it? People just don't randomly send you $100 without wanting something in return. I do like the idea that Brutus clearly doesn't know he owes $100 for something so it's highly possible that they don't owe $100 and some company just sent them a bill hoping to get some poor sucker to give them money.

Monday, April 11, 2022

Wrong Number

The telemarketer is just doing their job. I've never understood--well, I understand it, it's annoying and you never want what they are selling--the telemarketer hate. They are just doing their job. Maybe they should get another job, I hear you say. Maybe they can't. This job pays enough, has the hours they need, and is just right for the amount of education/experience they have. Keep in mind that telemarketers are people just trying to make ends meet.

Sunday, April 10, 2022

It'd Be Easier Without Wilberforce Hint-Hint

I've been thinking this for years. It's not like Wilberforce is a baby anymore. He can come home by himself and just be a latchkey kid. Or her part-time job could just be in the morning. Plus, it might inject some life into this comic strip. I don't expect Gladys to be good at work so it'll be hilarious to see her bounce around from job to job.

Saturday, April 09, 2022

Wilberforce Has Never Heard of Flintstone Vitamins

This doesn't track as The Flintstones was a weekly series between 1960 and 1966. Flintstone Vitamins were introduced in 1968 so it's not like we went years between the series and the vitamins. The explanation also doesn't make sense as Uncle Ted was clearly born circa 1947 and would remember both the series and the vitamins and it's frustrating that he doesn't just admit it.

Friday, April 08, 2022


Honestly, if they are talking about today's forecast then the weather people should know whether or not it's going to rain. Either some rain is moving in or conditions are good for rain showers to pop up or it's not going to rain and the percentage should be reduced. 50% basically means nothing. Is it going to rain or not? How am I supposed to plan for that?

Thursday, April 07, 2022

A Tad Controlling

Veeblefester knows what he's about, son.

It's very brave of Brutus to go in and voice complaints from the peons. And at such close range, too!

Wednesday, April 06, 2022

They Were Frozen, They're Still Good

I wonder how much more Brutus is paying for that adjective?

That's all I have to say about today's strip. It's a good one.

Tuesday, April 05, 2022

I Didn't Sign On to That

Brutus can go out and buy his own cookies. Keep them hidden from Gladys or something. I don't know. You can go without cookies for a couple days. Gladys' diets usually only last a couple days anyways.

They should get healthy things to snack on. Fruits, vegetables. I'm partial to applesauce.

Monday, April 04, 2022

Odd Watercooler Placement

They just put whatever people don't eat in the fridge and then serve it the next day. It'll be out of business in a week.

Sunday, April 03, 2022

Why Does Gladys Keep Making These Awful Meals?

I've never had ratatouille, I don't think I really know what it looks like so I looked it up.

I don't care how tasty or flavorful this thing is, it has slimy vegetables and I don't like it.

Saturday, April 02, 2022

Old Yellow!!

We don't want kids learning about gay relationships and transgender people from Disney movies but here's a movie where a dog gets rabies and his owner has to shoot him. I'll happily explain why this boy has to put a bullet into his dog's brain but why those two men are kissing and why Nuka from The Lion King 2 is a girl who is becoming a boy are questions I don't want to have to answer.

Is Hurricane Hattie really just going to hang on the back of the chair for an 90-minute movie? Her upper body must be ripped.

Friday, April 01, 2022

Eating Shrimp At This Place?

Today our principal sent an email saying that you could now use voice command on the copiers. I'm not a huge fan of voice command stuff so I didn't really care. But the more I thought about it, I began thinking that it sounded like a joke and he just wanted to see how many people would stand at the copier screaming "COPY!!" and "FAX!!" and "MAKE 25!!" Turns out I was right to be suspicious.

I sincerely hope that there's a sign on the door that reads:

*this is an April Fool joke
and Brutus was the only one who fell for it.