And It'll Be Four of the Same Toy

September 2, 1966

How is this being a loser? He's not drowning and he can clearly swim. There better be sharks or piranhas coming or something. This comic is called The Born Loser and I expect to see some loser behavior.

Jesus Christ! Even the cashier is concerned. She can't have Brutus' death at the hand of the four kids' cheeseburger meals she will ring up on her conscious.

It's just lunch (I'm assuming). You don't need a giant meal, just enough to tide you over until dinner. Kids' meal and an apple pie should be fine, Brutus. Are you just eating because you're bored?

Keeping Brutus Alive One Sandwich At a TIme

July 16, 1966

"I also leave you...a boot to the head! And one more for Jenny and the wimp!"

He made wagers? Like, actual wagers with real money? "My uncle is such a skinflint, he'll never leave me money when he dies." I can't tell if Brutus wasn't going to be left money because his uncle was cheap or if Brutus was unlikeable, because the other two seem really happy he's just getting an umbrella.

They're eating sandwiches. The ham can't taste much different. And who sprinkles salt on their sandwich? Look, I don't want to impugn Chip's creativity, but this seems like something written by AI. "I need a low sodium diet. But this doesn't taste good. Put salt on it. Bleep bloop."

Using "January First" Instead of "January 1st" Almost Broke Me

September 21, 1986

Well, to be fair, it's 1986 and smut and drivel are the only things on TV. I don't have the heart to tell Mother Gargle what's going to be premiering in 6 months, but the Thornapples probably don't get FOX yet anyway.

If you just casually glance at today's comic, it kind of looks like Brutus and Arnie are holding hands and I think that's neat.

Would hot chocolate really hurt his diet that much?

And why did Brutus and Arnie switch places in between the last panels?

We took a look at Action Comics #579 by Jean-Marc and Randy Lofficer, Keith Giffen, and Bob Oskner and definitely not guest-starring characters from Asterix. If you would like to support me or this website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Loser On all Fronts

March 1, 1966

Oh, good lord! My precious watercooler! Is it okay? Do we have more water to put in it? Get out of the way! I'll carefully and lovingly stand it back up.

Thornapple must stumble over the watercooler a lot considering Mr. Quit Smith tried to warn him about it.

Is that $10 an hour, which would be a good raise, or $10 a year, which would be an 83¢ per month raise?

Ok. But what about the cabinets? All my crappy food is in the pantry corner, in cabinets, or on the counter. Maybe the Thornapples refrigerate everything even if it doesn't need it.

Did Brutus Actually Make Hot Fudge or Was It Just Chocolate Syrup?

November 3, 1965

I am perpetually baffled by the moustache(?) a lot of these characters have. Those are moustaches, right? Here and here. I doubt they looked much better in the actual paper. They also seem to come from the nostrils, not from under the nose. Maybe they are just weird design choices that didn't scan correctly. It bothers me.

We do pickup for our groceries so what we get is determined by whatever poor employee gets our order. We ordered cookies and cream ice cream and when I bit into it, it tasted funny. Turns out it was light ice cream. It was disgusting and made me want to kill myself. Have all the fat or be nothing.

The Diet and Resolution Were Never Going to Work

January 18, 2008

I'm going to consider all the strips between 1965 and January 17, 2008 to be "Classic Born Loser" so I should get to January 17, 2008 some time around 2060, give or take a year or two.

June 1, 1965

Crime just runs rampant in this comic strip, doesn't it?

I will be honest, you know how cartoons tricked us into thinking things like quicksand, piranhas, and random sticks of dynamite were going to be a more common part of life? I thought that being tied up would also be one. Here I am, 89-years-old and I've never been tied up.

He lasted until the 18th. Most resolutions are abandoned by February 1st. Or sooner.

Why is that donut even in the house? You can't just leave donuts in the house and not expect me to eat them.

It'd be hilarious if Brutus got out, went to a donut store, and brought that donut home to eat. Take that, self-discipline!

Like Father, Like Dog

April 6, 1976

The only note I have for this strip is the first panel should just be a close-up of Gladys' head and then the second panel pulls back to reveal the now-smaller Brutus.

Brutus is just trying to take a nap next to his faithful dog. Take a damn break, Ramona.

You Know They're Dead, Right Wilberforce?

May 14, 1974

Ha ha! Too much water! He's a fish! I'm guessing this fish was on a diet but that's meeting this comic more than halfway.

I was hoping beyond hope that I wouldn't have to talk about Memorial Day but here we are. Anyway, since we're in a cemetery and today's Google Doodle is boring, I'm going to bring up my idea for a Memorial Day Google Doodle. You control different people wandering around a sprawling national cemetery using clues to find your loved ones. Sure, you have section numbers and the cemetery claims plots are in alphabetical order but there's no rhyme or reason to anything. Good luck!

Tubby Tuesday

April 1, 1974

I always thought that snails were called "escargot" because that's what the French call snails. But it's really because that's the sound snails make when they sneeze. I don't know who figured that out but what a legacy!

Interesting that the snails are French (Pierre!) yet acknowledge the sneeze in German.

"My weight's up again. I'm so discouraged! I've done and changed absolutely nothing and I'm not losing weight."

Time for a Rewatch

February 25, 1974

Why is Veeblefester giving Brutus dieting advice? Is it some sort of insurance thing? Or does Veeblefester just want Brutus to die?

I guess that could also be an insurance thing.

I hope the Thornapples don't actually pay for the DVD plan, They cancelled the plan in 2020 or something and Gladys just kept the DVD. I mean, who wouldn't? Remember how sexy those cats were in Cats?

37!?

November 5, 1973

Is this normally a hill people ski at (down)? It looks pretty desolate and there's clearly a cabin being lived in at the bottom of the hill? Do they allow people to ski through their yard? Some of these cabin people have shotguns.

I've gone skiing once in my life. It was during my sixth grade year and that class always went to Weston, Missouri to ski. I stopped about halfway through, not really enjoying it. I was bored the rest of the trip. I wish I had tried it a bit more because I don't believe I really gave it a real try. And I'm certainly not going to do it now.

December 23rd seems like an odd time to start a diet but you do you.

This Donut Makes Me Go Nuts

October 18, 1973

What nursery rhyme? I know a lot of nursery rhymes and I had to look this one up. The Owl and the Kitty-Cat is not a nursery rhyme that I have in my repertoire and I'm not 100% sure this is even the nursery rhyme being referenced.

The Owl and the Kitty-cat went to sea

In a beautiful pea-green boat

They took some honey, and plenty of money,

Wrapped up in a five-pound note.

The Owl looked up to the stars above,

And sang to a small guitar,

"O lovely Kitty! O Kitty, my love,

What a beautiful Kitty you are,

You are,

You are!

What a beautiful Kitty you are!"

Kitty said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!

How charmingly sweet you sing!

O let us be married! too long we have tarried:

But what shall we do for a ring?"

They sailed away for a year and a day,

To the land where the Bong-tree grows,

And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood

With a ring at the end of his nose,

His nose,

His nose,

With a ring at the end of his nose.

And it just goes on like this.

I don't know, is Brutus' $70,000 really enough of a savings?

Veeblefester knows he could just fire Brutus, right? Why doesn't he just fire him?

Not really a diet, but I'm not gonna judge your weight loss routine. There are people who will though: Jackasses. Kick them out of your life--you don't need them.

Sad Carrot

March 25, 1974

Since The Born Loser is no longer a wacky avant-garde comic strip that, despite it being based in reality, is kind of silly, the man-eating giant had to go somewhere. Luckily, Heathcliff is now our wacky avant-garde comic strip.

Yeah. You're on your own. No one is making you diet. You should season up that carrot by throwing it away and opening a package of Oreos.

Downer

March 5, 1973

If the diet didn't specify where you would lose the weight then you can't blame the diet. How is Brutus talking? Is his neck hole just gurgling? If so, then how can Gladys understand him?

I don't know how other couples talk to each other but I'm pretty sure my spouse and I have never just started randomly talking about "ups and downs". What even is that? "You know, dear? Life has sucked quite a bit but sometimes it didn't suck as much."

I Didn't Sign On to That

Brutus can go out and buy his own cookies. Keep them hidden from Gladys or something. I don't know. You can go without cookies for a couple days. Gladys' diets usually only last a couple days anyways.

They should get healthy things to snack on. Fruits, vegetables. I'm partial to applesauce.

A Couple of Good Days

I don't understand golf. I don't understand how you get good at it or why people play it. I mean, couldn't you just play the same hole over and over again until you perfect it and then move onto the next hole? After a few years, you could play that coarse blindfolded. Anyway, how far is the hole on the practice green? Is a hole-in-one still good?

I guess that's one way of looking at it. Just leave off the qualifier at the end.

I Hope She Chokes On Those Salads

I know we've seen Gladys eat Wilberforce's chocolate bunnies before. Why is she eating her son's stuff? The Easter Bunny, I assume, I don't really know how this works sometimes, left those chocolate bunnies for Wilberforce.

She even made a meal out of it. Got out a plate, a glass of milk. She even put a little flower in a vase. Did she also eat the chocolate bunny with a knife and fork, with her pinky raised? This wasn't a simple "I just can't control myself" situation. This was methodically planned and it's disgusting.

Keto

Brutus should definitely try whatever diet Bruce Lee used.

How much change could there possibly be? It's only been a day.

That's a Thick Cookbook

Let me tell you the recipe for my family specialty, Southern Braised Brisket. The origins of his slightly sweet yet still savory delicacy begin in North Carolina where my 6xGreat Grandfather settled on a farm after the American Revolution...

I agree. Stop reading cookbooks. I just need the recipe, I don't need a long story to go with it. I don't care if it is for copyright purposes.

Last Temptation of Gladys

Question: You are on a diet. I don't understand why you would want to be on a diet, why are you body-shaming yourself? You're beautiful the way you are. But you are on a diet so why would you make a cake? Gladys even admits that she can't resist ANYTHING tempting her (which might explain her marriage to Brutus but that's for another post) so why did she make a cake?