A Saturday Evening Show?

May 26, 1985

I don't know if Brutus is seeing a movie or a play but if Brutus bought a ticket, then why doesn't he have a seat? Why are you standing? Just sit down! What are you doing? Now you're wet.

I don't think this strip needed seven panels to tell a joke. Brutus wanted to watch "Mr. & Mrs. Holmes" and Gladys says it was on last night which then starts a whole back-and-forth instead of "it was on last night, you fell asleep, luckily I recorded it". This is a three-panel strip at most.

If you would like to support my writing, research, or website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

And He's Not Gonna Get Lucky Tonight

January 12, 1974

At least it was just a buck. I know that it's 1974 so that would be what in today's money? $70?

I will be honest, I saw the car and immediately thought Brutus was driving Uncle Ted somewhere so you can imagine my surprise when Brutus started talking about a date.

I'm Tired of Seeing the Thornapples Having a Landline

January 10, 1974

Ah, the days when you didn't need any piece of paper to prove that you could do a job. Now, nearly every job is gate-kept if you don't have a piece of paper or an overabundance of experience. And it's not even because of the money because they pay nothing even to people who have papers and experience. What? I oversee an entire department, work under a strict deadline, have to answer emails, report to a supervisor, and have employees below me give me reports? And I only get $65,000 a year?

Did Brutus get a job at eight- or nine-years-old or did he just lounge around his, I don't know, tree fort, for the next five to ten years?

What? This isn't a thing. Get out of here.

Team Cat

January 8, 1974

Gladys moved so fast that even her speed lines vanished before her words could.

I'm still wondering about the look on her face. Why does she get so...angry?...about money? It's weird.

Weather forecasters don't get it that wrong. I mean, I never believe the forecast until I'm in the weather but I've never seen a glaring mis-predication like this.

Most studies tend to lean that dogs are smarter than cats. Although cats have not been studied as much as dogs, the focus on them only beginning in the 21st Century. Many believe that the comparison is like apples and oranges as dogs and cats are so different and both tend to succeed at what are here to do.

But Kewpie looks dumb as hell here though.

Yelling Usually Gets the Results You Want

January 4, 1974

You sell tea cozies, how exciting of a day could you have? The bus run over your hat?

Geez, Veeblefester, say it don't spray it.

What does Veeblefester need? Maybe that story will keep Gladys awake.

No Brussels Sprouts for Wilberforce

January 3, 1974

Don't just stand there, Gladys. Get a broom.

At least the tree will easier to get out of the door now. There are these new things--actually, they aren't new, they were prominently featured in A Charlie Brown Christmas back in 1965--called artificial trees. You don't have to water it or clean up needles. It's also not quite the fire hazard. I mean, still kind of a fire hazard but not as big of one.

We've apparently been eating Brussels sprouts wrong this entire time. I've had the new Brussels sprouts with them being properly cooked and heavily seasoned and I'm still not really a fan.

And Gladys, why are you making something that people don't like? It's not like you made Brussels sprouts so you could try them. Clearly, Brutus has had Brussels sprouts before and doesn't like them. Then why would waste time and money making them if you knew he wouldn't eat them?

What I Wrote In the Tweet Is Better

For about two weeks, I posted The Born Loser comic strips on SubStack. I wanted to see if readership went up because of the SubStack link or even if tweets about the post got more likes or retweets. There was no change in anything and I think readership actually went down a little. Anyway, onto the comics!

May 5, 1985

We've all seen those TV episodes and such where a dripping faucet keeps a character awake. It can make for hilarious entertainment mainly due to the character overreacting to the situation. Now, I've had dripping faucets before but they've never kept me up. I don't see how they could.

Not cool that Brutus was sound asleep and Gladys woke him up because she's being inconvenienced. Get up and do whatever you need to with that faucet yourself.

I don't know what Gladys made but does Wilberforce not know what vegetables look like? I don't care what you make, I can clearly see the carrots or potatoes or even onions that you put in something. And I can definitely taste them.

Oh, God. A rerun.

If you would like to support my writing, research, or this website, you can buy me a cup of coffee on Ko-fi.

Hope Brutus Likes Being Hung Up On

How 'bout that Dilbert guy? For those who don't know, Scott Adams, the creator of the popular comic strip, posted an episode of his podcast where he said that Black people were a hate group and that white people should stay away from them. Anyway, Andrews McMeel Universal, the syndicate that distributes and publishes Dilbert has severed their relationship with Adams and that includes Dilbert.

I don't know necessarily what this means but, to me, it means Dilbert will cease being in newspapers and the Dilbert.com website will either be shut down or given to Adams to maintain on his own. We'll see over the course of the next couple weeks to a month as it will take awhile for anything to actually happen. Will Dilbert actually go away? If Adams retains ownership then probably not. Adams could just post the comics on his own website, effectively turning it into a webcomic but, I am not positive, I do think Adams stopped doing the strip years ago and has a staff of people do it for him. Similar to Jim Davis and Garfield. Whether or not he would want to go back to writing and illustrating a daily comic strip or could afford to keep a staff employed to do it for him is entirely up to him. I'm sure he'll make a good decision.

Let's get onto some The Born Loser. Chip will hopefully never say or do anything wrong.

December 6, 1973

The Born Loser: Quantumania. 

Is he real? Is he the reflection? Who knows? He's a ghost!

Again, I don't presume to understand what kind of contracts go down between a tea cozy company and whatever companies they do business with but I'm starting to think the sales tactic is just reading a script like those shady pharmaceutical or insurance companies.

"The Chief gave me the best advice when making a sales call. 'K-I-S-S' Keep it simple, stupid. Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time."

Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Ba I'm Hating It

March 17, 1985

Ugh. This is a terrible way to begin your school day. I feel like I would do the same thing if I had to sing this every morning while my teacher conducts us. Is this really an important part of the school day?

Why don't you get out of the way?! You just sit in the drive-thru snacking on your fries while people are behind you, waiting? This is far more aggravating than singing a good morning song everyday at school.

If you would like to support my writing, research, or website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Friends for the Friendless

December 4, 1973

Animal could be be some form of fur coat. Mineral could be jewelry. What's vegetable? This?

We were way too excited about just throwing credit around back then. President Carter was right.

Take your loss of friends as the beginning of your supervillain era. They'll be sorry! They'll live to regret this!!

I feel Wilberforce has the same problem as me in keeping friends and I don't know what the problem is. I'm absolutely delightful.

Not-So-Special of the Day

December 3, 1973

I apologize for the Thanksgiving/Christmas themed strips. We're in that time of the year and I'm not going through and saving them for November or December. I'm a lazy, lazy man.

That tree is a year old? And in another year will grow to the size of the other tree? I don't know about that but I'm not a tree-knowing guy.

There Brutus goes again! Going to that awful diner for lunch. And he's dragging someone with him. I don't know what I'm more frustrated about, that Brutus is continuing to go to this diner or that he keeps going out to lunch while complaining about money.

The Best Policy

November 30, 1973

Who's this girl and why is her stocking cap so long?

It has a calendar? You mean it shows the date. I have an Apple Watch and even that doesn't have a calendar so I doubt even the most expensive watch in 1973 had a calendar.

It's a job performance review. You don't ask if you can be honest, you just be honest. Not that Brutus listens and will actually attempt to do better at his job. It's not like he's gonna get fired.

Don't Blame the Car for Your Ignorance

November 29, 1973

Those are all Santa's helpers, dear.

Or being Santa Claus is just one big scam.

Did he test drive the car just to see how good it parks? Seems like a waste of that salesman's time. And he had the car long enough to get a ticket? And you didn't notice it was in a no parking zone? Seems to me that you got yourself that ticket and it's not the car's fault at all.

Also, the car doesn't find the parking spot, right? You drive it to the spot and the car parks itself. Well, I guess as long as no one died.

Fake Career Day

November 28, 1973

You don't have to whisper, Brutus, she probably understands that you are probably shopping for your wife or girlfriend and not for yourself. And even if you were shopping for yourself, she doesn't look like she'd kink shame.

Dr. Brutus P. Thornapple, DTc, BLs. Doctor of tea cozies. Born loser.

Even if Wilberforce did lie about what Brutus does for a living, I'm glad to see him so excited to have his father there. Hopefully Brutus doesn't ruin this for him.

Laundry Day

November 27, 1973

This waiter doesn't care! His shift is about to end and even though the tip is going to be pathetic, he still wants it.

What's Brutus' game here? He hasn't done laundry since before Wilberforce was born and all of a sudden he wants to lug this stuff down into the basement and wash it? Hope you all like your clothes wrinkly, discolored, and with bleach splotches.

Brown Eyed Brutus

February 24, 1985

Brutus gets little pockets of luck so he's not a complete born loser. Unfortunately, all the luck happens during moments like this so they don't matter.

And if this had happened while he was doling out card to his friends during a game, they'd accuse him of cheating. Brutus gets screwed no matter the scenario.

Bob Dylan. I didn't know that. I looked it up. I never would've guessed it on my own. I don't think I've ever even heard this song.

It's great that 'Brown Eyed Girl' is one of your favorite songs, Uncle Ted. But Van Morrison would prefer that it be a newer song.

Brutus Is Also the Only One Trying to Make This Relationship Work

November 26, 1973

Are we in the present-day and Brutus is just some sort of volunteer for the town's annual Thanksgiving event? Or are we back in pilgrim days? What crime did Brutus commit? Something ribald, no doubt.

Mother Gargle is one to talk. At least Brutus knows where his teeth are.

Friday Mistakes

November 21, 1973

All the turkey did was meow. You're the one who was so shocked that you let go of the leash. Outsmarting Brutus isn't exactly a challenge.

The drugs, alcohol, and syphilis have just eaten away at Uncle Ted's brain.

Is Brutus seriously debating the pros and cons of learning from your mistakes? "Hey, Brutus, instead of doing the same thing wrong all the time, maybe you should learn from your mistakes." "I don't know, let me get some advice on the matter first."

Just Eat At Home!

November 20, 1973

Wilberforce mailed a letter that really reamed Hurricane Hattie. Feeling guilty and better for just having written the letter, wanted it back. As you can see, hijinks ensued and now Wilberforce is locked inside the mailbox. Classic!

Smart move. I love scrambled eggs but sometimes it does seem like you get less egg. Now, a lot of times at restaurants, I order eggs so I can count the yolks. Nothing against the restaurant, I just like a lot of egg.

"Hey, Brutus? Is that your kid getting back in the mailbox out there?"

And He's Actually Touching Them!

November 19, 1973

What is with the hot foots?

You're sitting there bored, nothing big going on and you're starting to feel a little out of sorts. So you stick a match in your shoe and light it. The flame tickles your foot, in a bad way, but at least you're feeling something now.

I'd be afraid that the match would set my shoe on fire. That doesn't sound like fun.

No! I don't want to look at Mother Gargle's denture-less, wrinkled mouth. I never want to see something like this again! Bad Chip! Bad!

Ladies, Don't Debase Yourself for Chocolate...With Brutus

November 17, 1973

He's probably going to take you to the Cleveland Boondock Steakhouse. Or just bring home some flowers. Hell, he may even break out the painted turtles like he did with your birthday.

Was Arnie the only person who chose Kansas City to win and everyone else picked Philadelphia? Or was it like a bracket situation or whatever? Some guy comes to you in September: "Here. Pick who you think will win the Super Bowl and give me $20."

I'm gonna give Wilberforce the same advice I've been giving my students: Why do you need to be with anyone? Be your own valentine. Love yourself before finding someone to love you. Sure, relationships can be great but they are not the end all, be all of existence.

At least with telling a non-living comic strip character this, they can't make fun of my pants or my hair after I finish talking to them.

Maybe Wilberforce Could Sing 'America the Beautiful'

February 17, 1985

I think if the Thornapples are robbed one more time, they get a free submarine sandwich. Hope they kept their punch card.

There are so many components to a Super Bowl game now that it's increasingly likely you could end up in one. Take a good look, readers. It's very possible we could be seeing Wilberforce in a kind of left shark situation.

Support on Ko-fi          V/CA: $tauycreek

Shake Harder, Boy!

November 16, 1973

I always thought blowing smoke out of your ear was something you could do if you inhaled or exhaled just right but it apparently isn't. It's basically like if your ears are popping while you are smoking and even then it may not work because of how our body is designed. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that center panel was used in those Energy Wise ads I posted on Twitter.

While searching about this, this blurb came up. I think I've heard of blowing smoke into a kid's ear but didn't know it was still a thing people do. This doesn't specifically mention cigarette smoke but it's still strange it came up. Even stranger that the one benefit they mention isn't really a benefit at all and can be accomplished by going to a park or something.

Humans should be extinct.

One of the rules I live by--I think it's Rule #427 or something like that, I'll actually make a list someday--is that you never make up with someone named 'Biff'. If your child is named (or nicknamed) Biff then they will be a terrible person from the day they're born until the day they die.