Tuesday, November 30, 2021

If Gladys Is Mrs. Right Then Brutus Is Mr. Right

Holy crap! Gladys is Miss Right? Miss Right is wanted in eight states for the murder of 15 people! From Arizona to Ohio, she has left a bloodstained path on this great country of ours. I hope the proper authorities read this comic and bring this killer to justice!

Gladys can shove her "you are 100% wrong"s in a sack.

Monday, November 29, 2021

What Do Mondays Smell Like?

And all the peons should be back at work. Man, the work ethic in this country was much better when you only got paid pennies and there were no disruptive holidays to interrupt the flow of work.

*throws computer in trash* It still says 2019!!

Sunday, November 28, 2021

A Talking Ape?

Clown

Dr. Philip McHenry returned home from a long shift at the hospital. He pulled into the driveway, the garage door slowly rising to let him in. He noticed something in the yard but didn't think anything of it until he saw the glint off of an eye staring at him.

He slammed the car into park and got out. He ran over to the mass which was mangled and bloodied. "Eloise!" he exclaimed as he rolled his daughter onto her back. She had been stabbed several times and practically disemboweled. Her empty eyes stared up at him but there was nothing he could do now. "Theresa! Troy! Helena! Savannah!" he quickly stood up and ran to the house. He went into the garage, which was open now, and saw someone tied up, bleeding out from the stomach. "Jerry?" Jerry, his best friend, was still alive but barely. "What is going on? Who is doing this?"

Jerry just gurgled, blood oozing from his mouth. "Cluh..." he stammered and then passed out.

Dr. McHenry stepped into his house where his wife and three other children were being chased and attacked by a monstrous looking clown. His family had been cut numerous times before he had arrived but was still putting up a fight. The clown was wearing a red dress with white polka dots, bright yellow shoes with red puff balls on the toes, and a hat that resembled a capotain pilgrim hat only it was as red as the dress. The clown's teeth were cartoonishly sharp and it carried a stick in each hand along with a knife in one hand and a saw in the other. McHenry's youngest, Savannah, became the next victim. She was knocked down by a stick, slit open by the knife, and then sawed in half--from head to crotch. The clown smiled the entire time and then went after the family again.

Dr. McHenry got involved and tried to get between his family and the clown. He tried to catch the clown's eyes and then saw it. "Grandma?" he gasped. His grandma had been dead for years but here she was. Back from the dead as a demented evil clown intent on murdering his entire family. "What are you doing?"

She attacked him. The knife slicing his shirt. While the knife missed Dr. McHenry, it struck Troy in the eye. The clown repeatedly stabbed Troy until he no longer moved. It then began sawing his body in half. "Come on, we have to get out of here," Dr. McHenry said. "The car is in the driveway. Let's go." He took Theresa's hand and Theresa took Helena's hand and they tried to outrun the clown. A saw sliced through Theresa's arm and the clown knocked down Helena and sat on top of her as it began sawing through Helena. She screamed until the saw entered her brain and then went quiet. It was just Dr. McHenry and Theresa now. They went into the garage where Jerry was still hanging, now definitely dead.

"What's Jerry doing here?" Theresa screamed.

"I don't know. Grandma Evil Clown must've brought him here to kill him as a warning or something," Dr. McHenry panted. They were almost to the car when Theresa went down and took Dr. McHenry with her. The clown was on top of her using the saw on her just like with Helena. Theresa screamed until the saw entered her brain. Dr. McHenry had enough. He grabbed a baseball bat that was leaning against the wall of the garage. He began swinging. "What are you doing? Stop doing this!" he shouted. He kept swinging the bat. "Why are you doing this?" the bat made contact, knocking the clown off of Theresa, not that it mattered.

The clown made no noise as it stood back up and began approaching Dr. McHenry with knives, sticks, and saws drawn. Dr. McHenry slowly backed up trying to keep the clown at bay while also making his way to the car. The clown began swinging his weaponry around, backing Dr. McHenry against the car. The sticks made contact with his arm and hands, knocking the bat out of his hand. The clown made a couple thrusting motions and the knife went into Dr. McHenry twice. Reflexively, his hands went to his wounds and he began falling to his knees. The knife came at him several more times, he tried to dodge or block to no avail.

Still living and breathing, the clown began sawing into Dr. McHenry like it had the rest of the family. Out in the street, a car slowed down and began turning into the driveway but abruptly stopped. It was the car that belonged to another friend of Dr. McHenry. Upon seeing the demented clown sawing through Dr. McHenry, the friend continued driving and disappeared down the road.


This story originally appeared on my Ko-fi. If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee. The picture, which inspired this story, was drawn by a former student.

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Mallard Fillmore
Once again, the broad "humor" of Mallard Fillmore turns something perfectly serviceable into something confusing. Is this a commentary on parents forcing their kids not to do something because they deem it dangerous or it is commentary on "we won't let you drink pop but you can shove earbuds in your head all day"? Or is it a commentary on government overreach and taking away "muh freedoms"? I guess it's possible it could be all of them.

Marvin
I had to see this stupid comic so you have to, too.

Crock
Handy that the ancient desert tribe carved the reason for the crying rock into the rock. Shame that those around now can't take two seconds to stop and read though.

The Born Loser
I think you would know if Uncle Ted smoked, Brutus. He's a man in his 70s(?) and they aren't going to keep that part of their life hidden anymore.

Great. 2019 has now infiltrated our Sunday comics. God, I hope Chip is back on Monday.

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Christmas Coming Soon

"Yes, I'm sure Santa knows about this. Mostly because your Mom and I are Santa."

"Brutus, you're ruining the magic of childhood and the magic of Christmas!"

"I don't care, Gladys! I'm tired of some made-up fat guy getting credit for presents that I buy and wrap. I make Christmas special, not some fictional jolly, old elf. Me!!"

Friday, November 26, 2021

Normal Friday

I don't know where Gladys is shopping today. Aren't most places closed or at least not going to be open as early/long? No need to comment or correct me, I don't care. This strip is from 2019 anyway. The last normal holiday season. Remember 2019 and how normal it was? Those were the days...

Thursday, November 25, 2021

It's Not Like His Team Will Win Anyway

You could have pie after the game. Is there some rule that says you have to have dinner and dessert together. Wait an hour or so. Or just have your dessert while you're watching TV. No rule says you have to eat dessert at the table. It's a holiday and it's your house. You can really do whatever you want.

Happy Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

Thanksgiving Poison

Joke's on Brutus. That leg will not taste the same. Gladys made sure of that. Oh, do you like that slight hint of almond when you bite into the turkey leg? Good. Good. Keep choking it down. When you're finished, lie down on the couch. You will sleep very hard this Thanksgiving Day.

Tuesday, November 23, 2021

You'd Think She'd Remember Not To Call on Hattie Or Wilberforce

Shouldn't you be learning about words that kids will actually use, or words in a story you're reading, or words that third and fourth graders routinely spell wrong? I'm not usually one to burst into the school just to complain about a teacher but for this one, I'll make an exception.

Question: Did Wilberforce mispronounce "gobbledygook" as "goobledygook" or did Chip just spell the word wrong?

Monday, November 22, 2021

I Thought They Only Had the One Chair

He's probably in a sour mood because he took a nap because you were at his house and when he woke up, you were still here. Why should he be grumpy? Why are you grumpy?

I see we are still in 2019. I thought Chip would be back today. I even looked it up to see if he had died or something. Anyway, I'm not chastising Chip for taking a well-deserved break but get back to work.

Sunday, November 21, 2021

Marvin Would Just Pee on the Couch Anyway

In a lonely corner or Prairie Center Cemetery in Osage County, Kansas, lies the grave of Joseph Dolifka. Born in Hungary, on March 5, 1838, Dolifka married Josephine Groman and they had five children--Agatha, Joseph, Philip, Julius, and Mary. In 1884, the family left Hamburg, Germany for New York City. Their ultimate destination, though, was Kansas. They settled on 80 acres in the Grand Haven neighborhood on the Shawnee-Osage county line where they raised livestock. Grand Haven was just a collection of farms with a post office on the property of W.H. Sears about a mile and a half west of the Dolifkas. Grand Haven was located northwest of Burlingame and southwest of Auburn. The post office, initially established in Osage County, existed from 1875 until 1901.
Dolifka farm in Auburn Township, Shawnee County, Kansas.
From Atlas of Shawnee County, Kansas (1898)

Little is really known about the Dolifkas. On December 15, 1890, Joseph died at the age of 52. No obituaries of Joseph are available if any were printed in local newspapers. A Facebook post mentions that he may have been kicked in the head by a horse or mule but that could just be speculation. His family continued in the Auburn area until about 1895 when they moved to Hanover in Washington County, Kansas. Agatha (1869-1938) married baker Henry Kraushaar but the two divorced and he moved to Kansas City, Missouri and remarried. She is buried in Marysville, Kansas. The younger Joseph (1876-1905) was a photographer in Hanover until moving to Colorado for his health, passing away in Colorado Springs. Philip (1878-1968) was a farmer in the Hanover area. He married Katie Dusch in 1904 and had eight children. He died in Lawrence of bronchial pneumonia and is buried in St. John's Cemetery in Hanover. Julius (1880-1956) originally went to Hanover with his family until about 1904 when he moved to Flagler, Colorado and started a ranch. He married Amy Anna Banner in 1906. He is buried in Akron Cemetery in Akron, Colorado. Mary (1883-1971) married Roy Pangborn in 1906. They also moved to Colorado but after Roy died, Mary moved to California where she was buried.

Josephine Dolifka was born in Vienna in 1843. She had been visiting in Hanover the evening before her death and was feeling fine. The next morning, Philip went to her house to do some work, and upon entering the house, found his mother feeling sick. A doctor was called but she died mere hours later. Services were held at the St. John's Church and she was buried in Pecenka (Bohemian) Cemetery south of Bremen, Kansas.

Joseph Dolifka gravestone in Prairie Center Cemetery.
May his soul rest in peace.

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Ripley's Believe It Or Not
I gotta give some accolades to today's Believe It Or Not of not only opening today's comic with a beautifully detailed illustration of Hitler but also telling us, while we're eating our breakfast cereal before heading to church, that he had rotting gums, bad breath, and fake teeth. This is quite a kneecap for those who love Nazis.

You know who you are.

Marvin
That "couch" doesn't look like it would fit two people anyway.

Blondie
Were Dagwood and Herb out on a date? Are they using Christmas lights as some kind of code? Is this an open marriage scenario or are they on the down-low? Dagwood also looks like they maybe broke up.

Mother Goose & Grimm
Lassie hasn't had a live-action TV show since 1999 and network TV shows haven't had designated sponsors since the early 1980s but sure, go on.

Kitty Korner from Heathcliff
Where the hell is Adelaide and Figaro watching "Heathcliff"? Does she have DVDs? Does she pull them up on YouTube? Is "Heathcliff" on some streaming site I don't know about?

The Born Loser
Going to dinner and a movie isn't special. Although I guess it could be considering Mother Gargle believes they never go out at all. Did Brutus go into the movie thinking it would be good? It's a melodrama, those are never good. The only worse would be if it were a period piece.




If you would like to support my writing and research, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Saturday, November 20, 2021

Why Start Now?

That's cold, Mother Gargle.

Although if you are talking about being a role model for clothes then I would definitely not call Brutus a good one. That green undershirt makes my eye twitch and the red sweater just makes it worse.

Friday, November 19, 2021

Even His Name Is Misspelled

I see the red lines but the mistakes never go away. The red line under taking this job never goes away. The red line under marrying Gladys never goes away. The red line under having Wilberforce never goes away.

What? You just right click on them? That should make my life a lot better. Thanks!

Thursday, November 18, 2021

Comic of Leaves

Congratulations...let me finish...on doing what you are supposed to do. Congratulations on raking your leaves thus dooming many insects, birds, squirrels, and other animals to suffering through a harsh winter. Congratulations, Brutus. Congratulations.

Sweet lord, I hope Chip is back next week. Even though I've never commented on these repeat strips or have even ever seen them, they are wearing on me for some reason.

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Homestyle

hUR HUR! tHEY're UsiNG a MIcrOwAVE whiCH is Not hoW mom USed TO makE It!

No! I don't know why "That'll be just a moment" immediately translates to it's being heated up in a microwave but I'm sure it's real meat loaf that was made that morning and has either sat in an oven or under a heat lamp all day. It's meat loaf, it's probably not going to be made right then and there after you order it.

Tuesday, November 16, 2021

In This Economy?

Despite this strip being from 2019--we are now entering week 3 of Chip's sabbatical and I, frankly, hate it--it's pretty topical. We are currently (2021) having a shortage of everything due to low supply due to shutdowns during the pandemic and the sudden rise in demand due to people starting to get back to normal. The shortages aren't helped by the shortage of workers, equipment, and warehouse space.

Veeblefester is short (or not short, depending on how you read this comic) on tea cozies because he's a shady businessman running what's probably mostly a shadow corporation.

Monday, November 15, 2021

He Paid Money For This

Brutus is going to go to jail. Veeblefester puts Brutus' name on all of the shady business and financial dealings the Veeblefester Tea Cozy Company makes.

Companies have learned from Enron and it's the only way to explain how Brutus is so high up in the company.

Sunday, November 14, 2021

Potato Collecting?

I don't have anything special for you this week. I have a few in the works for the upcoming weeks but nothing today. Just a bunch of comics to comment on. That's what you come here for, right?






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Shoe
"On the plus side, they're still nude, they're just in more religious-y and God forgiving poses. Somehow that's sexier."

Big Nate



Beetle Bailey
Who knew that Sgt. Snorkel could get so offended by a belch. He really loves Otto.

And Snorkel and Otto working side-by-side is freakin' adorable.

Marvin
We can guess what Bitsy was going to do. We didn't need the red words reading "Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle" to hammer home the joke.

The Born Loser
"You opened the door, Gladys. Don't be upset at what could fly out."

I know I've complained about co-workers but aside from using my job for hilarious anecdotes and commentary on our crumbling society, the last thing I want to do when I get home is talk more about work.

Saturday, November 13, 2021

Corpse Flower Breath

Geez, Hattie.

Brutus isn't even breathing through his mouth. Now that's some bad breath. It's so bad that it even smells coming in and out through the nose.

I've often wondered why Brutus allows Hurricane Hattie inside his house when all she does is verbally abuse him. It's because he misses Veeblefester's verbal abuse on the weekends.

Friday, November 12, 2021

Repeat About a Repeat

I haven't had a DVR in years but don't they tell you that you've watched the episode or whatever? Maybe not.

At this point, just watch the thing again. Clearly you liked it enough or don't remember it at all.

Thursday, November 11, 2021

But Not Concerned Enough To Do Anything

Brutus during dinner tonight:

It's a shame that Brutus' family doesn't care about him enough to see the warning signs of whatever is going on with him.

Wednesday, November 10, 2021

Brokeskate

Eating out is expensive. Eating out should occur, at most, once a week, and once a month at a bare minimum. What does Mother Gargle consider "more often"? You remember they also have a kid to feed, right?

In Ramona's defense, Brutus eats lunch out just about every day so maybe he should start taking some these leftovers they always plenty of instead spending $10-15 every day on lunch.

Tuesday, November 9, 2021

More Like Crummy Leftovers

"Why do you think there are leftovers?" For lunch the next day? Isn't it expensive to eat out for lunch every day? I'm not being judging, just genuinely curious. Leftovers should be for lunch the next day, not for eating again the following night.

This is one of my hills and I will die on it!!

Monday, November 8, 2021

At Least You're Wearing a Hat

Brutus: "Wouldn't you know, on the day I forget my umbrella, there's a seventy percent chance of rain!"

*it starts raining*

Brutus: "Make that one hundred percent."

Guy across the street waiting for the bus going in the opposite direction: [thinking, looking at his newspaper] "Who is this guy? Is he talking to me? Why do you always meet the weirdest people when using mass transportation? Whatever happened to that bum who used to hang out here? I'd prefer him talking to me than this nutjob."

Sunday, November 7, 2021

Four Candles? There's No Way Gladys Is 40

Recently, my students had to read "The Monkey's Paw" by W.W. Jacobs. Written in 1902, it's become a classic tale about unintended consequences and being careful about what you wish for. One of their assignments was to write an ending for it. Those who know it, know that the story ends with Mr. White using his third wish to wish away whoever is knocking at the door, presumably his own deceased son, but the ambiguous ending leaves just a little room for interpretation. To give the kids kind of an idea, I wrote my own ending, adding a little twist and another unintended consequence courtesy of the paw. If you wish to read the original story, you can read it here.

"What happened?" Mrs. White shrieked. "What happened to our son?"

"I wished whoever was at the door to return being dead. Our son would've been a monster. A disfigured monster. I wanted to spare you that," Mr. White said.

Mrs. White ran over to her husband, crying. "Oh, my Herbert..."

Herbert, still in the cemetery, had awoken, air filling his lungs for the first time in ten days. Engulfed in blackness, Herbert panicked, began pounding on the top of the coffin. If anyone had been in the cemetery, no one would hear him anyway. Soon, the pounding and panicking would stop as the air ran out.




The next day, there was another pounding at the door. Practically paralyzed with mourning, Mrs. White didn't move. Mr. White went to the door and opened it to one of the local constable. "Sorry to bother you this early, sir. We are inquiring about a Mr. Abernathy Meggins. He was out visiting the family of an employee who had died. The family of a Mr. Herbert White. A neighbor reported that they saw him here last night."

Mr. White's eyes widened. The pounding at the door. The wish. What if the pounding at the door wasn't from his reborn son? What if...?

"Sir?" the constable made eye contact with Mr. White. "Would you like to step out here and talk?"

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Marvin
Has Grandpa here ever been around kids? They're loud. They could be sitting right next to each other and they're screaming at each other about their own private business then they get all mad if they discover you listening to them. Then be quiet!

Hi & Lois
Hi should just pay someone. Paying someone has to be cheaper than the medical bills if Hi falls and breaks his neck.

Marmaduke
It's good to see that Marmaduke just can't do anything he wants. Don't go tampering in God's domain, Marm, They'll get you.

Luann
Come on, Toni! Brad's horny!! You better be making sex popcorn in there!

Mallard Fillmore
As some of you may know, Bruce Tinsley, the original creator of Mallard Fillmore, quietly stopped producing the strip late in 2019 and the reins were handed over to Loren Fishman. From what I've seen, the arguments are a bit more intelligent than what Tinsley used and the art doesn't look like it was drawn by a child using their foot.

By the way, I've seen this scenario happen in real time on Twitter. Someone discovered some F-level celebrity followed a pro-lifer and essentially spent the rest of the day ripping their account apart. Social media is fun.

Heathcliff
It must be nice to just take the, what is it? Lasso tool? On Photoshop and just move the character around and not have to redraw it seven times.

The Born Loser
That is a pretty small cake. I get that it's only three people but that cake looks like it would only produce four good-sized pieces.

What a minute! Where's Mother Gargle?! That's something I never thought I'd say but it's her daughter's birthday. You'd think she'd be here.