A Talking Ape?

Clown

Dr. Philip McHenry returned home from a long shift at the hospital. He pulled into the driveway, the garage door slowly rising to let him in. He noticed something in the yard but didn't think anything of it until he saw the glint off of an eye staring at him.

He slammed the car into park and got out. He ran over to the mass which was mangled and bloodied. "Eloise!" he exclaimed as he rolled his daughter onto her back. She had been stabbed several times and practically disemboweled. Her empty eyes stared up at him but there was nothing he could do now. "Theresa! Troy! Helena! Savannah!" he quickly stood up and ran to the house. He went into the garage, which was open now, and saw someone tied up, bleeding out from the stomach. "Jerry?" Jerry, his best friend, was still alive but barely. "What is going on? Who is doing this?"

Jerry just gurgled, blood oozing from his mouth. "Cluh..." he stammered and then passed out.

Dr. McHenry stepped into his house where his wife and three other children were being chased and attacked by a monstrous looking clown. His family had been cut numerous times before he had arrived but was still putting up a fight. The clown was wearing a red dress with white polka dots, bright yellow shoes with red puff balls on the toes, and a hat that resembled a capotain pilgrim hat only it was as red as the dress. The clown's teeth were cartoonishly sharp and it carried a stick in each hand along with a knife in one hand and a saw in the other. McHenry's youngest, Savannah, became the next victim. She was knocked down by a stick, slit open by the knife, and then sawed in half--from head to crotch. The clown smiled the entire time and then went after the family again.

Dr. McHenry got involved and tried to get between his family and the clown. He tried to catch the clown's eyes and then saw it. "Grandma?" he gasped. His grandma had been dead for years but here she was. Back from the dead as a demented evil clown intent on murdering his entire family. "What are you doing?"

She attacked him. The knife slicing his shirt. While the knife missed Dr. McHenry, it struck Troy in the eye. The clown repeatedly stabbed Troy until he no longer moved. It then began sawing his body in half. "Come on, we have to get out of here," Dr. McHenry said. "The car is in the driveway. Let's go." He took Theresa's hand and Theresa took Helena's hand and they tried to outrun the clown. A saw sliced through Theresa's arm and the clown knocked down Helena and sat on top of her as it began sawing through Helena. She screamed until the saw entered her brain and then went quiet. It was just Dr. McHenry and Theresa now. They went into the garage where Jerry was still hanging, now definitely dead.

"What's Jerry doing here?" Theresa screamed.

"I don't know. Grandma Evil Clown must've brought him here to kill him as a warning or something," Dr. McHenry panted. They were almost to the car when Theresa went down and took Dr. McHenry with her. The clown was on top of her using the saw on her just like with Helena. Theresa screamed until the saw entered her brain. Dr. McHenry had enough. He grabbed a baseball bat that was leaning against the wall of the garage. He began swinging. "What are you doing? Stop doing this!" he shouted. He kept swinging the bat. "Why are you doing this?" the bat made contact, knocking the clown off of Theresa, not that it mattered.

The clown made no noise as it stood back up and began approaching Dr. McHenry with knives, sticks, and saws drawn. Dr. McHenry slowly backed up trying to keep the clown at bay while also making his way to the car. The clown began swinging his weaponry around, backing Dr. McHenry against the car. The sticks made contact with his arm and hands, knocking the bat out of his hand. The clown made a couple thrusting motions and the knife went into Dr. McHenry twice. Reflexively, his hands went to his wounds and he began falling to his knees. The knife came at him several more times, he tried to dodge or block to no avail.

Still living and breathing, the clown began sawing into Dr. McHenry like it had the rest of the family. Out in the street, a car slowed down and began turning into the driveway but abruptly stopped. It was the car that belonged to another friend of Dr. McHenry. Upon seeing the demented clown sawing through Dr. McHenry, the friend continued driving and disappeared down the road.

This story originally appeared on my Ko-fi. If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee. The picture, which inspired this story, was drawn by a former student.

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Mallard Fillmore

Once again, the broad "humor" of Mallard Fillmore turns something perfectly serviceable into something confusing. Is this a commentary on parents forcing their kids not to do something because they deem it dangerous or it is commentary on "we won't let you drink pop but you can shove earbuds in your head all day"? Or is it a commentary on government overreach and taking away "muh freedoms"? I guess it's possible it could be all of them.

Marvin

I had to see this stupid comic so you have to, too.

Crock

Handy that the ancient desert tribe carved the reason for the crying rock into the rock. Shame that those around now can't take two seconds to stop and read though.

The Born Loser

I think you would know if Uncle Ted smoked, Brutus. He's a man in his 70s(?) and they aren't going to keep that part of their life hidden anymore.

Great. 2019 has now infiltrated our Sunday comics. God, I hope Chip is back on Monday.

Marvin Would Just Pee on the Couch Anyway

In a lonely corner or Prairie Center Cemetery in Osage County, Kansas, lies the grave of Joseph Dolifka. Born in Hungary, on March 5, 1838, Dolifka married Josephine Groman and they had five children--Agatha, Joseph, Philip, Julius, and Mary. In 1884, the family left Hamburg, Germany for New York City. Their ultimate destination, though, was Kansas. They settled on 80 acres in the Grand Haven neighborhood on the Shawnee-Osage county line where they raised livestock. Grand Haven was just a collection of farms with a post office on the property of W.H. Sears about a mile and a half west of the Dolifkas. Grand Haven was located northwest of Burlingame and southwest of Auburn. The post office, initially established in Osage County, existed from 1875 until 1901.

Dolifka farm in Auburn Township, Shawnee County, Kansas.
From Atlas of Shawnee County, Kansas (1898)

Little is really known about the Dolifkas. On December 15, 1890, Joseph died at the age of 52. No obituaries of Joseph are available if any were printed in local newspapers. A Facebook post mentions that he may have been kicked in the head by a horse or mule but that could just be speculation. His family continued in the Auburn area until about 1895 when they moved to Hanover in Washington County, Kansas. Agatha (1869-1938) married baker Henry Kraushaar but the two divorced and he moved to Kansas City, Missouri and remarried. She is buried in Marysville, Kansas. The younger Joseph (1876-1905) was a photographer in Hanover until moving to Colorado for his health, passing away in Colorado Springs. Philip (1878-1968) was a farmer in the Hanover area. He married Katie Dusch in 1904 and had eight children. He died in Lawrence of bronchial pneumonia and is buried in St. John's Cemetery in Hanover. Julius (1880-1956) originally went to Hanover with his family until about 1904 when he moved to Flagler, Colorado and started a ranch. He married Amy Anna Banner in 1906. He is buried in Akron Cemetery in Akron, Colorado. Mary (1883-1971) married Roy Pangborn in 1906. They also moved to Colorado but after Roy died, Mary moved to California where she was buried.

Josephine Dolifka was born in Vienna in 1843. She had been visiting in Hanover the evening before her death and was feeling fine. The next morning, Philip went to her house to do some work, and upon entering the house, found his mother feeling sick. A doctor was called but she died mere hours later. Services were held at the St. John's Church and she was buried in Pecenka (Bohemian) Cemetery south of Bremen, Kansas.

Joseph Dolifka gravestone in Prairie Center Cemetery.
May his soul rest in peace.

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Ripley's Believe It Or Not

I gotta give some accolades to today's Believe It Or Not of not only opening today's comic with a beautifully detailed illustration of Hitler but also telling us, while we're eating our breakfast cereal before heading to church, that he had rotting gums, bad breath, and fake teeth. This is quite a kneecap for those who love Nazis.

You know who you are.

Marvin

That "couch" doesn't look like it would fit two people anyway.

Blondie

Were Dagwood and Herb out on a date? Are they using Christmas lights as some kind of code? Is this an open marriage scenario or are they on the down-low? Dagwood also looks like they maybe broke up.

Mother Goose & Grimm

Lassie hasn't had a live-action TV show since 1999 and network TV shows haven't had designated sponsors since the early 1980s but sure, go on.

Kitty Korner from Heathcliff

Where the hell is Adelaide and Figaro watching "Heathcliff"? Does she have DVDs? Does she pull them up on YouTube? Is "Heathcliff" on some streaming site I don't know about?

The Born Loser

Going to dinner and a movie isn't special. Although I guess it could be considering Mother Gargle believes they never go out at all. Did Brutus go into the movie thinking it would be good? It's a melodrama, those are never good. The only worse would be if it were a period piece.

If you would like to support my writing and research, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Potato Collecting?

I don't have anything special for you this week. I have a few in the works for the upcoming weeks but nothing today. Just a bunch of comics to comment on. That's what you come here for, right?

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Shoe

"On the plus side, they're still nude, they're just in more religious-y and God forgiving poses. Somehow that's sexier."

Big Nate

Beetle Bailey

Who knew that Sgt. Snorkel could get so offended by a belch. He really loves Otto.

And Snorkel and Otto working side-by-side is freakin' adorable.

Marvin

We can guess what Bitsy was going to do. We didn't need the red words reading "Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle" to hammer home the joke.

The Born Loser

"You opened the door, Gladys. Don't be upset at what could fly out."

I know I've complained about co-workers but aside from using my job for hilarious anecdotes and commentary on our crumbling society, the last thing I want to do when I get home is talk more about work.

Four Candles? There's No Way Gladys Is 40

Recently, my students had to read "The Monkey's Paw" by W.W. Jacobs. Written in 1902, it's become a classic tale about unintended consequences and being careful about what you wish for. One of their assignments was to write an ending for it. Those who know it, know that the story ends with Mr. White using his third wish to wish away whoever is knocking at the door, presumably his own deceased son, but the ambiguous ending leaves just a little room for interpretation. To give the kids kind of an idea, I wrote my own ending, adding a little twist and another unintended consequence courtesy of the paw. If you wish to read the original story, you can read it here.

"What happened?" Mrs. White shrieked. "What happened to our son?"

"I wished whoever was at the door to return being dead. Our son would've been a monster. A disfigured monster. I wanted to spare you that," Mr. White said.

Mrs. White ran over to her husband, crying. "Oh, my Herbert..."

Herbert, still in the cemetery, had awoken, air filling his lungs for the first time in ten days. Engulfed in blackness, Herbert panicked, began pounding on the top of the coffin. If anyone had been in the cemetery, no one would hear him anyway. Soon, the pounding and panicking would stop as the air ran out.

The next day, there was another pounding at the door. Practically paralyzed with mourning, Mrs. White didn't move. Mr. White went to the door and opened it to one of the local constable. "Sorry to bother you this early, sir. We are inquiring about a Mr. Abernathy Meggins. He was out visiting the family of an employee who had died. The family of a Mr. Herbert White. A neighbor reported that they saw him here last night."

Mr. White's eyes widened. The pounding at the door. The wish. What if the pounding at the door wasn't from his reborn son? What if...?

"Sir?" the constable made eye contact with Mr. White. "Would you like to step out here and talk?"

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Marvin

Has Grandpa here ever been around kids? They're loud. They could be sitting right next to each other and they're screaming at each other about their own private business then they get all mad if they discover you listening to them. Then be quiet!

Hi & Lois

Hi should just pay someone. Paying someone has to be cheaper than the medical bills if Hi falls and breaks his neck.

Marmaduke

It's good to see that Marmaduke just can't do anything he wants. Don't go tampering in God's domain, Marm, They'll get you.

Luann

Come on, Toni! Brad's horny!! You better be making sex popcorn in there!

Mallard Fillmore

As some of you may know, Bruce Tinsley, the original creator of Mallard Fillmore, quietly stopped producing the strip late in 2019 and the reins were handed over to Loren Fishman. From what I've seen, the arguments are a bit more intelligent than what Tinsley used and the art doesn't look like it was drawn by a child using their foot.

By the way, I've seen this scenario happen in real time on Twitter. Someone discovered some F-level celebrity followed a pro-lifer and essentially spent the rest of the day ripping their account apart. Social media is fun.

Heathcliff

It must be nice to just take the, what is it? Lasso tool? On Photoshop and just move the character around and not have to redraw it seven times.

The Born Loser

That is a pretty small cake. I get that it's only three people but that cake looks like it would only produce four good-sized pieces.

What a minute! Where's Mother Gargle?! That's something I never thought I'd say but it's her daughter's birthday. You'd think she'd be here.

Those Photos Are Just Drawn On There

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith

Well, lookee here. It's singer-songwriter and Nancy cartoonist Guy Gilchrist in today's Barney Google. Guy and Brad Gilchrist took over Nancy back in 1995 then Brad mysteriously vanished. Did Guy do something to Brad or was Brad just a made-up person used by Guy to get two paychecks?*

Mary Worth

No, it's totally a great idea. I love getting matching tattoos with people I've just barely started...dating(?).

Family Circus

"And I'm telling you, Jeffy, I am getting damn tired of saying that extra syllable."

Mark Trail

Here's hoping that Mark Trail will still provide us with the wildlife scenes, conservation guilt-trips, and zoological science that we're going to need in the upcoming four years.

Marvin

I wish this trope would die. I wish this trope would die. I wish this trope would die. I wish this trope would die.




*Don't worry. I'm well aware that Brad Gilchrist is alive, well, and in existence.

Christmas Eve Quickies

Marvin

Marvin's parents look just a bit too happy for having two toddlers blat a trumpet and screech a song in their living room. Seriously, those kids can't be that good.

Curtis

That is very specific Barry. I'm a bit concerned now.

Six Chix

I don't care if that is supposed to be kid, that is a gigantic cat.

Dennis the Menace

The word shepherd literally comes from the word sheep herder. Get your etymology right, Alice.

Rex Morgan, M.D.

Will Sunday's strip just be Rex reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas to a comatose Sarah? That's my kind of Christmas.

Disturbing Friday

Hagar the Horrible

Hagar doesn't want your foo-foo Heaven with vegetables, tofu, and kale. He wants a Heaven with meat and lots of it. The pig is happy to oblige Hagar at least.

Marvin

I'm glad that this nationally syndicated family comic strip featuring a little boy has a joke in it that can either be interpreted as a poop joke or a dick joke. Kudos, Tom Armstrong. Kudos!

He Felt Worthy of Vicodin

Beetle Bailey

Uh, oh. Camp Swampy is going to get some much needed government intervention.

Mary Worth

Waitaminute. I've read this entire storyline and I do not remember at all Tommy wanting to get help. All I remember Tommy wanting was more sweet, sweet vicodin. Tommy only wanted help when that jerk pharmacist embarrassed him in front of his mom.

Marvin

This seems racist? Is this racist?

I-Yi-Yi

Ripley's Believe It Or Not

Does the 604 hippo-related items include her son? Because that's mean if it does.

Marvin

Is there a reason they skipped over 'I'? "I is for igloo and itch." Did Tom Armstrong purposely skip over 'I' or is it like when I count backwards and I always forget 13?

Gasoline Alley