Sunday, November 28, 2021

A Talking Ape?


Dr. Philip McHenry returned home from a long shift at the hospital. He pulled into the driveway, the garage door slowly rising to let him in. He noticed something in the yard but didn't think anything of it until he saw the glint off of an eye staring at him.

He slammed the car into park and got out. He ran over to the mass which was mangled and bloodied. "Eloise!" he exclaimed as he rolled his daughter onto her back. She had been stabbed several times and practically disemboweled. Her empty eyes stared up at him but there was nothing he could do now. "Theresa! Troy! Helena! Savannah!" he quickly stood up and ran to the house. He went into the garage, which was open now, and saw someone tied up, bleeding out from the stomach. "Jerry?" Jerry, his best friend, was still alive but barely. "What is going on? Who is doing this?"

Jerry just gurgled, blood oozing from his mouth. "Cluh..." he stammered and then passed out.

Dr. McHenry stepped into his house where his wife and three other children were being chased and attacked by a monstrous looking clown. His family had been cut numerous times before he had arrived but was still putting up a fight. The clown was wearing a red dress with white polka dots, bright yellow shoes with red puff balls on the toes, and a hat that resembled a capotain pilgrim hat only it was as red as the dress. The clown's teeth were cartoonishly sharp and it carried a stick in each hand along with a knife in one hand and a saw in the other. McHenry's youngest, Savannah, became the next victim. She was knocked down by a stick, slit open by the knife, and then sawed in half--from head to crotch. The clown smiled the entire time and then went after the family again.

Dr. McHenry got involved and tried to get between his family and the clown. He tried to catch the clown's eyes and then saw it. "Grandma?" he gasped. His grandma had been dead for years but here she was. Back from the dead as a demented evil clown intent on murdering his entire family. "What are you doing?"

She attacked him. The knife slicing his shirt. While the knife missed Dr. McHenry, it struck Troy in the eye. The clown repeatedly stabbed Troy until he no longer moved. It then began sawing his body in half. "Come on, we have to get out of here," Dr. McHenry said. "The car is in the driveway. Let's go." He took Theresa's hand and Theresa took Helena's hand and they tried to outrun the clown. A saw sliced through Theresa's arm and the clown knocked down Helena and sat on top of her as it began sawing through Helena. She screamed until the saw entered her brain and then went quiet. It was just Dr. McHenry and Theresa now. They went into the garage where Jerry was still hanging, now definitely dead.

"What's Jerry doing here?" Theresa screamed.

"I don't know. Grandma Evil Clown must've brought him here to kill him as a warning or something," Dr. McHenry panted. They were almost to the car when Theresa went down and took Dr. McHenry with her. The clown was on top of her using the saw on her just like with Helena. Theresa screamed until the saw entered her brain. Dr. McHenry had enough. He grabbed a baseball bat that was leaning against the wall of the garage. He began swinging. "What are you doing? Stop doing this!" he shouted. He kept swinging the bat. "Why are you doing this?" the bat made contact, knocking the clown off of Theresa, not that it mattered.

The clown made no noise as it stood back up and began approaching Dr. McHenry with knives, sticks, and saws drawn. Dr. McHenry slowly backed up trying to keep the clown at bay while also making his way to the car. The clown began swinging his weaponry around, backing Dr. McHenry against the car. The sticks made contact with his arm and hands, knocking the bat out of his hand. The clown made a couple thrusting motions and the knife went into Dr. McHenry twice. Reflexively, his hands went to his wounds and he began falling to his knees. The knife came at him several more times, he tried to dodge or block to no avail.

Still living and breathing, the clown began sawing into Dr. McHenry like it had the rest of the family. Out in the street, a car slowed down and began turning into the driveway but abruptly stopped. It was the car that belonged to another friend of Dr. McHenry. Upon seeing the demented clown sawing through Dr. McHenry, the friend continued driving and disappeared down the road.

This story originally appeared on my Ko-fi. If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee. The picture, which inspired this story, was drawn by a former student.

Mallard Fillmore
Once again, the broad "humor" of Mallard Fillmore turns something perfectly serviceable into something confusing. Is this a commentary on parents forcing their kids not to do something because they deem it dangerous or it is commentary on "we won't let you drink pop but you can shove earbuds in your head all day"? Or is it a commentary on government overreach and taking away "muh freedoms"? I guess it's possible it could be all of them.

I had to see this stupid comic so you have to, too.

Handy that the ancient desert tribe carved the reason for the crying rock into the rock. Shame that those around now can't take two seconds to stop and read though.

The Born Loser
I think you would know if Uncle Ted smoked, Brutus. He's a man in his 70s(?) and they aren't going to keep that part of their life hidden anymore.

Great. 2019 has now infiltrated our Sunday comics. God, I hope Chip is back on Monday.