At Least You're Wearing a Hat

Brutus: "Wouldn't you know, on the day I forget my umbrella, there's a seventy percent chance of rain!"

*it starts raining*

Brutus: "Make that one hundred percent."

Guy across the street waiting for the bus going in the opposite direction: [thinking, looking at his newspaper] "Who is this guy? Is he talking to me? Why do you always meet the weirdest people when using mass transportation? Whatever happened to that bum who used to hang out here? I'd prefer him talking to me than this nutjob."