Monday, January 31, 2022

I Bet Elroy Fitzbew Doesn't Wear Red Sweaters. I Bet Elroy Fitzbew Has a Wardrobe.

Elroy Fitzbew works for a pharmaceutical company, essentially making sure that the pills his company manufactures don't kill too many people and traveling to various laboratories as some sort of quality assurance. You might know Elroy's name from a September 12, 2019 article where, after returning from Wuhan, China, said that some "really interesting stuff" will soon be coming from his company's lab.

You can currently see Elroy on the FBI Twitter account as a fuzzy security photo from January 6, 2021 with a tweet asking if "you recognize this man who allegedly participated in the riots at the U.S. Capitol".

Sunday, January 30, 2022

How Am I Supposed To Read With All That Blah-Blah-Blah Happening?

When I first got a computer, one of the earliest games I played was Hugo's House of Horrors. It was a fun and quirky game created in 1990 by David Gray. It's reminescent of Maniac Mansion but Gray has said he had never heard of or played Maniac Mansion.

The object of the game is to rescue your girlfriend, Penelope, from a haunted house that she was last at babysitting. Players use the arrow keys to move Hugo and use text commands to make Hugo find, pick up, and use items that you find around the house. The game uses some light humor ("Care for a chop, sir?" and if you're wearing a mask, you get a pork chop that you can use. If you're not wearing the mask, the butler chops off your head) and uses a couple decent silly moments to add to the fun. If you know where to go, or use a walkthrough, you can get done with the game in about 15 minutes.

We open outside the haunted house. Hugo finds a key and is able to enter the house. Once inside, you see someone go into a room upstairs. There is a candle on the table, two rooms on the side, a room under the stairs, and three rooms upstairs. Heading upstairs, the first room has a mask in the wardrobe, the next room--the bathroom--has "333" scrawled on the mirror, and the next room has a laboratory with a mad scientist and his assistant Igor.

The scientist forces you into a contraption and tells Igor to press the blue button. Igor, who is colorblind, presses a different button which shrinks Hugo. The scientist, frustrated by Igor's incompetence, decides to take a nap. You are now small and trapped in that lab but it's cool because you need to be small to get behind something. You then tell Igor to bring the right button and after three tries, you are back to normal. Slipping on the mask you picked up in the first room, head downstairs for a little dinner party.

While crashing the dinner party, the butler asks if you would a chop. Since you are wearing a mask, he gives you a pork chop that you will need later. If you weren't wearing the mask, he chops your head off. It's funny. Heading into the kitchen, take a step and to the shed in the backyard then when you come back in, go into a weird room with a man-eating dog in it.

This dog is the bane of my existence. I don't think I've ever made it past him. As soon as you walk into the room, he comes up and eats you and it's game over. I tried everything to get past this dog and nothing works. Until I learned, just recently, that you are supposed to take that pork chop you got earlier and throw it into the room. You can't throw it in before you go in, you have to throw it as soon as you get into the room. So you have to type the command, enter the room, and press Enter. The dog has his pork chop and you are free to go into the room, go down the trapdoor under the rug, and continue on with the game.

Heading downstairs into the basement/dungeon, there is a locked metal door and someone sobbing. (Penelope?!). Moving behind the rocks, you have to blow a whistle to confuse bats that will also kill you. It's the same scenario as the dog as you have to type the command before you go behind the rocks. After distracting the bats, you enter a cave where a mummy attacks you. It took forever for me to get past the mummy, too.

Using a boat to cross a small cave stream, Hugo encounters a strange man fishing. The man asks you many questions in order to let you pass and go into the tunnel. In the tunnel, Hugo finds a giant man--who looks like Igor only orange, not green--guarding a hole in the wall. Apparently, Penelope is in the cell behind the giant guard. Then who is sobbing in the cell in the basement? You give the guard some gold from the treasure you found and he lets you pass. In the next room, you find Penelope. Well, at least Penelope's silhouette. The tunnel loops around so the cell at the bottom of the basement so that answers that question. You rescue Penelope, head back upstairs and out of the house.

Hugo and Penelope lived happily ever after. At least until the next game, Hugo II: Whodunit? in which Penelope has to rescue Hugo and solve Uncle Harold's murder. I don't think I ever completed that game either. I do think I finished Hugo III: Jungle of Doom. Maybe I'll post about those someday.

Is...Is Penelope wearing her wedding dress while held captive?
That means she wore it to her babysitting gig.

Mary Worth
It has been at least a week since Wilbur fell overboard, probably longer, the loved ones in your life have been thinking you're dead for at least 7 days. You're lucky Mary, Estelle, and Dawn don't throw you back into the ocean.

I see so many "get your vaccine" commercials that it makes me want to take the vaccine out of my body. Luckily, there are plenty of YouTube videos telling people exactly how to do that.

Tom Batiuk must signed a deal with the CDC to help convince an underserved community to get the vaccine and/or booster. I didn't look at the comments on Crankshaft webpage but I don't think this is going to convince them.

The Family Circus
Have a husband who snores loudly and keeps you awake at night? It could be worse. They could be dead.

The Born Loser
If she's talking on her cell phone then that means the Thornapples have finally entered the 2010s and ditched their landline. Their landline which, I believe, hasn't been seen since 2020. It's good to see the Thornapples take a step out of the past. The future is now!

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Saturday, January 29, 2022

It Could Just Be a Pot of Beans

And what is the name of this magical meal? Because I don't believe it exists.

To be fair, Gladys said it was low in sodium, low in sugar, low in fat, and high in protein. She never said it would taste good. Hold your nose and gulp it down Wilberforce. There's probably a lot of cauliflower in it.

Friday, January 28, 2022

I Also Can't Wait To Learn More About New Character MoneyEyes TrashcanFace

Probably. It's clear he's not going to fire your ass.

I just want to point out how hilarious Brutus looks in the second panel. He's a white blob.

Thursday, January 27, 2022

I Bet He Farted While Walking By the Prettiest Girl In Class

Art Spiegelman's Maus is one of my favorite books. It's one of the few books that I routinely recommend and have given five stars to. I received copies of Maus at Christmas of 1996 and I've read it practically every year since then. Part of the reason I am who I am is because of Maus. It made me think about people's lives and their trauma more and every time I read it, different parts of it stick out and I can always--ALWAYS--find something from the present day to apply to the past.

And that's why Maus is so important. Banning a book about the Holocaust because it shows nudity, contains swear words, or the death of children is just ignorant and I wonder of this Tennessee county school board understands the Holocaust at all. Maus shows nudity because that's how it happened. It contains swear words because people swear. It shows the deaths--murder--of children because Nazis murdered children. It's not that hard to understand.

Anyway, I could wax on all day about my love for Maus but instead, I encourage you to read it if you haven't. Borrow it from the library or buy a copy from your nearest bookstore. Lend it to your kids, read it to them or with them. Talk to them about it. Be better than this school board.

It's not the stupidest plan Wilberforce has ever had. What mistakes is Wilberforce making that causes people to pick on him? Did he really mean 'tentacles'? Did he call the teacher "Mom"? Did know...and not have a book nearby to hide it? Was he just sitting by himself reading and a girl call him 'weird'? Is some jackass calling him "Pimpolo" in a stupid accent? But now we're not talking about Wilberforce.

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

I Am a Human Being!!

Can Brutus not figure out which squares has a motorcycle in it? Is it hard figuring out if that is an S or a 5? Maybe those letters should be capitalized. I once had to solve a math problem.

Brutus may be blaming the robot tests but I feel he's having a small existential crisis. Am I a human? What does being a human mean? Are there different levels of humanity? Maybe the more I spend online, the less human I become...

Tuesday, January 25, 2022

I Find It Hard To Believe That No Kid In This Class Is a Vegetarian

I feel using "prefer" is a poor choice of word, but I'm probably being picky. Anyway, why are they learning this? Is this part of a nutrition lesson during science or something? This is America and we don't like teaching our kids about lifestyle choices.

Monday, January 24, 2022

The Great Brutus Bake-Off

I know a lot of people who watch baking shows. I don't really get it but I kind of understand it. It can be relaxing. A lot of what they do is really cool to look at. You don't have to be interested in baking or wanting to bake to watch these shows. They're for everyone.

"My remote"? Uncle Ted, I don't mean any disrespect, but you're in Brutus' house. You've misplaced Brutus' remote or the remote.

Sunday, January 23, 2022

Luck Be a Loser Tonight

Back in June of 2020, I began posting pictures I took from my issues of Wizard: The Guide To Comics. I basically kept it running until school started and I had to go back to work. It was something I really liked doing but I had to stop because of the time I needed to read through, get pictures, type tweets, and post the thread. I've also been wanting to post at least one issue here to see if it's something people would want to see return, either here or back on Twitter. Wizard #53 (January 1996) is the year-end spectacular. You can read the other issues, on Twitter, by going to the links here.

Wizard: The Guide to Comics #53. Cover by John Romita, Sr. and John Romita, Jr.

In the letters columns, someone posits that Superman is unable to run for President of the United States. Wizard responds that since technically Superman was "born" after crashing in Kansas, he is a natural born citizen. There's some praise for Neal Adams, someone ranks the most powerful DC heroes (Captain Atom is #1), someone upset at the rising costs of comics suggests digging through back issue bins and Wizard agrees. Someone asks whether Wizard is getting "soft" on comic book companies. Wizard responds that their "biting attitude" may vary from month-to-month but if comic book companies have a problem with what they say about their product then produce better material (they specifically bring up the Spider-Man Clone Saga). The Bunny Award goes to someone asking if Magneto could life Thor's hammer, Mjolnir, using his magnetic powers. The answer is: No.

In the news: More comics delving into The Crow mythos, Mike Grell is giving Maggie the Cat her own ongoing series from Image Comics, Topps Comics is bringing back classic Western characters Zorro, The Lone Ranger, and Lady Rawhide. Wendy Pini is drawing a new ElfQuest series, The Punisher is getting a new look.

A Croak of Brilliance An article on Harris Comics' newest superhero: Cyberfrog by Ethan Van Sciver. "This book kicks ass," say Van Sciver. Cyberfrog would last eight issues in 1996 and a handful of miniseries, the most recent being in 2019.

Casting Call 11 Wizard casts a movie starring a bunch of alternative comic book characters. Bill Campbell as Madman, Tom Hanks as Concrete, Joe Pesci as Cerebus, Robin Williams as Flaming Carrot, Denis Leary and Chris Farley as Milk and Cheese, and many more. The movie rights for this thing would be a mess.

Caught In a Web The Spider-Man movie directed by James Cameron is in development hell at this point (thankfully, because it always seemed like garbage), so Wizard looks at Spidey's media history starting with "Amazing Spider-Man" (CBS, 1977-1979) to "Spider-Man: The Animated Series" (Fox, 1994-1998). Don't expect Cameron's Spider-Man movie until 1997 though because Cameron is focusing on some forgettable movie about a love story set aboard some dumb boat.

Separation Anxiety Have you ever wondered how comics (and Wizard magazine) are colored? Well, the good people at International House of Color (I.H.O.C.) will show you how it's done. According to the Grand Comics Database, I.H.O.C.'s last regular job was on Savage Dragon/Hellboy from Image Comics.

In Your Face Wizard spends the day with Rob Liefeld at home and at work at Extreme Studios. Liefeld talks about what he's doing with his own titles and talks about returning to Marvel. The article ends with this picture of Liefeld watching "Reservoir Dogs". It's not explained why the chair seems to be at a weird angle in relation to the TV or why the clock is on the floor.

First Look: X-Nation 2099 Tom Peyer and Humberto Ramos are getting a new X-Men series set in the Marvel 2099 universe. The new characters are Clarion, Wulff, Nostromo, Uproar, Willow, December, and Twilight. They certainly look very 90s. X-Nation 2099 would last six issues.

Urban Renewal Mark Gruenwald and Bobbie Chase are relaunching many of Marvel's titles, trying to bring the company back to basics and streamline things similar to when the titles first launched back in the 1960s. Wizard goes through each of the titles to explain the changes. Avengers, Captain America, Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Silver Surfer, Thor, Daredevil, Doctor Strange, and The Incredible Hulk.

Stan Lee Wizard has an extensive interview with Stan "The Man", Mr. Marvel himself, Lee. Lee details his life from getting into comics at the age of 16 to helping create nearly every popular Marvel character. They do a word association game with people Lee worked with. Jack Kirby: "The master." Steve Ditko: "Unique genius." John Romita, Sr: "The best there is." John Buscema: "The Michelangelo of comicdom."

Drawing Board Dong Thor wins some Maxx artwork with his Mortal Kombat art. Other interesting works of art: Starman by Orion Harbour, Gen13 by Jonathan Fisher, The X-Files by Kyle Vannoy, Batman by TJ Frias and Randy Ng.

This months Homemade Heroes:

Eight To Fore '96 Wizard takes a look at eight talents to keep your eyes on because they are going to be huge. I'm not being sarcastic. Charles Adlard, Edvin Biukovic, Darko Macan, Gene Ha, Ron Garney, Kevin Lau, Warren Ellis, and Humberto Ramos.

Spinning a New Web Confused about what's going on in the Spider-Man titles? Peter Parker is gone and Ben Reilly, who was supposed to be a clone is the real Spider-Man but is he a clone? Or maybe I have that all wrong. I tried reading the Clone Saga but never got into it. Marvel should release a massive trade of it. Anyway, Wizard tries to make sense of it from it's humble beginning in The Amazing Spider-Man #149 to the brand new title The Sensational Spider-Man #1.

Star Search Because Wizard can't go one issue without mentioning Todd McFarlane, Wizard tries to stir up controversy by saying "superstar" artists aren't as great as they, the industry, and readers make them out to be. They don't mention any names or really what the point of this article is. Older artists point out that "superstars" have been around for awhile (Neal Adams, for example) and that these things are cyclical and eventually a superstar settles into a place of normalcy. Wizard lists 10 artists who are reaching for the stars to be the next Todd McFarlane and many of these names, while popular, will quickly lose their "superstar" status. A few mentions: Joe Madureira, Tom Grummett, Humberto Ramos, Greg Capullo, Kelley Jones, Adam Hughes, among others.

The Big 10 Wizard goes over the ten biggest events in the comics world in 1995. The many comic book movies, the cost of comics going up (it's the paper, stupid!), The Spider-Man Clone Saga, something called The Internet, Magic: The Gathering, Bad Girls like Shi and Cyblade, small press companies, The Age of Apocalypse, Manga, and comic book distributors becoming exclusive to DC or Marvel.

Manga Scene talks about Koichi Ohata and his story M.D. Geist. The picks of the month are X 1999 and "Zenki".

Tom Palmer talks about what the small press companies are doing in 1996.

The "Generation X" TV-movie is going to lead to the greatest series ever and usher in a new wave of comic book TV shows. "Green Hornet", a movie starring George Clooney and Jason Scott Lee may start filming soon.

The Top Ten Comics are X-Men Prime #1, Shi #1, The X-Files #1, Lady Death #1, Vengeance of Vampirella #1, Ash #1, Generation X #1, Gen13 #1 (miniseries), X-Man #1, Gen13 #1. Marvel Graphic Novel #4 featuring The New Mutants is a back issue you need to watch out for. Animal Man #5 by Grant Morrison, Chas Truog, and Doug Hazelwood is a good and cheap back issue. And the books you should pick up? DC Vs. Marvel #1, Logan #1, Gen13/Maxx #1, The Phoenix Resurrection, and Star Wars: Boba Fett-Bounty On Bar-Koanda.

Card Market DC is getting their own OverPower cards that are compatible with the Marvel ones. It's also announced that Amalgam Comics (the combination of DC and Marvel in the aftermath of DC Vs. Marvel) will be getting it's own set. Batman Master Series is going to be released from Skybox as well as Power Chrome: DC Legends (a chromium card set) and Outburst DC Firepower (an embossed card set). 

Here are the top 10 writers and artists for this month.

Uncanny X-Men #328 is the best-selling comic for the month of November 1995. Honestly, the X-Men are basically the top 8 for November.

And finally, Wizard profiles Adam West and Burt Ward at the end of the issue.

We all know that Crankshaft just kind of time-hopped over the pandemic. I wonder how long they time-hopped this time because it's certainly not 2022.

Mallard Fillmore
Mm. It appears this Fishman guy doesn't understand this strawman argument either. How many people is Grogg able to kill with a giant boulder lifted over his head? Probably a lot less than with an easy to carry wooden club, just like someone with a gun could kill a lot more people than a person with a knife. But they know and understand this, they just don't care.

panel from The Lockhorns
Leroy is wearing the exact same sweater as the dog which is, to be honest, is adorable and instead of being angry and embarrassed, Leroy should be embracing this moment.

Sluggo Points won't be accepted as real cryptocurrency until Elon Musk accepts them but make sure to jump on this bandwagon early so you'll be rich when they happens. Move over, Dogecoin, Sluggo Points are here.

The Born Loser
Aren't you more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery? No matter, Uncle Ted was struck by lightning and survived and seems to have no ill-effects from it. After winning the lottery and getting struck by lightning all in one day, fate should just leave Uncle Ted alone for the rest of his life.

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Saturday, January 22, 2022

Date Night Tonight

Gladys was really hoping for a movie tonight. Why tonight and why she can't do it tomorrow is unexplained. Maybe she needs an alibi. "No, officer, I was at a movie with my loving husband. Right by his side the entire night."

Friday, January 21, 2022

My Dinner With Hattie

I find Hurricane Hattie a delight. I would gladly let Hattie join my family at dinner at the pizzeria. Brutus just needs to quit taking Hattie's jabs at his weight and lack of hair so seriously. First of all, she's just a kid and sometimes they're jerks. Second, she's kidding. She kids because she loves.

Thursday, January 20, 2022


I wish I had a dollar for every time Brutus argued with Mother Gargle or Gladys. I'd be able to pay for the domain registration for this thing. And you know they are arguing over something stupid and you know that Gladys and Mother Gargle are just as wrong as Brutus half the time.

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Or Wilbur's Flotsam Hair Is Floating Its Way Through All the Comic Strips

I sincerely hope that Wilbur is stranded on the ugly part of a private hotel beach. If only Wilbur would walk 50 feet in any direction then he'd find his way back to civilization. But Wilbur's too lazy/stupid to do that and won't wander further than 5 feet from the water.

At least he still has his glasses somehow.

Gladys is the only one that makes dinner so why is she getting upset? It's probably your hair, Gladys.

Whenever I see someone mention hair in food, I remember this Garfield strip from 1979.