Luck Be a Loser Tonight

Back in June of 2020, I began posting pictures I took from my issues of Wizard: The Guide To Comics. I basically kept it running until school started and I had to go back to work. It was something I really liked doing but I had to stop because of the time I needed to read through, get pictures, type tweets, and post the thread. I've also been wanting to post at least one issue here to see if it's something people would want to see return, either here or back on Twitter. Wizard #53 (January 1996) is the year-end spectacular. You can read the other issues, on Twitter, by going to the links here.

Wizard: The Guide to Comics #53. Cover by John Romita, Sr. and John Romita, Jr.

In the letters columns, someone posits that Superman is unable to run for President of the United States. Wizard responds that since technically Superman was "born" after crashing in Kansas, he is a natural born citizen. There's some praise for Neal Adams, someone ranks the most powerful DC heroes (Captain Atom is #1), someone upset at the rising costs of comics suggests digging through back issue bins and Wizard agrees. Someone asks whether Wizard is getting "soft" on comic book companies. Wizard responds that their "biting attitude" may vary from month-to-month but if comic book companies have a problem with what they say about their product then produce better material (they specifically bring up the Spider-Man Clone Saga). The Bunny Award goes to someone asking if Magneto could life Thor's hammer, Mjolnir, using his magnetic powers. The answer is: No.

In the news: More comics delving into The Crow mythos, Mike Grell is giving Maggie the Cat her own ongoing series from Image Comics, Topps Comics is bringing back classic Western characters Zorro, The Lone Ranger, and Lady Rawhide. Wendy Pini is drawing a new ElfQuest series, The Punisher is getting a new look.

A Croak of Brilliance An article on Harris Comics' newest superhero: Cyberfrog by Ethan Van Sciver. "This book kicks ass," say Van Sciver. Cyberfrog would last eight issues in 1996 and a handful of miniseries, the most recent being in 2019.

Casting Call 11 Wizard casts a movie starring a bunch of alternative comic book characters. Bill Campbell as Madman, Tom Hanks as Concrete, Joe Pesci as Cerebus, Robin Williams as Flaming Carrot, Denis Leary and Chris Farley as Milk and Cheese, and many more. The movie rights for this thing would be a mess.

Caught In a Web The Spider-Man movie directed by James Cameron is in development hell at this point (thankfully, because it always seemed like garbage), so Wizard looks at Spidey's media history starting with "Amazing Spider-Man" (CBS, 1977-1979) to "Spider-Man: The Animated Series" (Fox, 1994-1998). Don't expect Cameron's Spider-Man movie until 1997 though because Cameron is focusing on some forgettable movie about a love story set aboard some dumb boat.

Separation Anxiety Have you ever wondered how comics (and Wizard magazine) are colored? Well, the good people at International House of Color (I.H.O.C.) will show you how it's done. According to the Grand Comics Database, I.H.O.C.'s last regular job was on Savage Dragon/Hellboy from Image Comics.

In Your Face Wizard spends the day with Rob Liefeld at home and at work at Extreme Studios. Liefeld talks about what he's doing with his own titles and talks about returning to Marvel. The article ends with this picture of Liefeld watching "Reservoir Dogs". It's not explained why the chair seems to be at a weird angle in relation to the TV or why the clock is on the floor.

First Look: X-Nation 2099 Tom Peyer and Humberto Ramos are getting a new X-Men series set in the Marvel 2099 universe. The new characters are Clarion, Wulff, Nostromo, Uproar, Willow, December, and Twilight. They certainly look very 90s. X-Nation 2099 would last six issues.

Urban Renewal Mark Gruenwald and Bobbie Chase are relaunching many of Marvel's titles, trying to bring the company back to basics and streamline things similar to when the titles first launched back in the 1960s. Wizard goes through each of the titles to explain the changes. Avengers, Captain America, Fantastic Four, Iron Man, Silver Surfer, Thor, Daredevil, Doctor Strange, and The Incredible Hulk.

Stan Lee Wizard has an extensive interview with Stan "The Man", Mr. Marvel himself, Lee. Lee details his life from getting into comics at the age of 16 to helping create nearly every popular Marvel character. They do a word association game with people Lee worked with. Jack Kirby: "The master." Steve Ditko: "Unique genius." John Romita, Sr: "The best there is." John Buscema: "The Michelangelo of comicdom."

Drawing Board Dong Thor wins some Maxx artwork with his Mortal Kombat art. Other interesting works of art: Starman by Orion Harbour, Gen13 by Jonathan Fisher, The X-Files by Kyle Vannoy, Batman by TJ Frias and Randy Ng.

This months Homemade Heroes:

Eight To Fore '96 Wizard takes a look at eight talents to keep your eyes on because they are going to be huge. I'm not being sarcastic. Charles Adlard, Edvin Biukovic, Darko Macan, Gene Ha, Ron Garney, Kevin Lau, Warren Ellis, and Humberto Ramos.

Spinning a New Web Confused about what's going on in the Spider-Man titles? Peter Parker is gone and Ben Reilly, who was supposed to be a clone is the real Spider-Man but is he a clone? Or maybe I have that all wrong. I tried reading the Clone Saga but never got into it. Marvel should release a massive trade of it. Anyway, Wizard tries to make sense of it from it's humble beginning in The Amazing Spider-Man #149 to the brand new title The Sensational Spider-Man #1.

Star Search Because Wizard can't go one issue without mentioning Todd McFarlane, Wizard tries to stir up controversy by saying "superstar" artists aren't as great as they, the industry, and readers make them out to be. They don't mention any names or really what the point of this article is. Older artists point out that "superstars" have been around for awhile (Neal Adams, for example) and that these things are cyclical and eventually a superstar settles into a place of normalcy. Wizard lists 10 artists who are reaching for the stars to be the next Todd McFarlane and many of these names, while popular, will quickly lose their "superstar" status. A few mentions: Joe Madureira, Tom Grummett, Humberto Ramos, Greg Capullo, Kelley Jones, Adam Hughes, among others.

The Big 10 Wizard goes over the ten biggest events in the comics world in 1995. The many comic book movies, the cost of comics going up (it's the paper, stupid!), The Spider-Man Clone Saga, something called The Internet, Magic: The Gathering, Bad Girls like Shi and Cyblade, small press companies, The Age of Apocalypse, Manga, and comic book distributors becoming exclusive to DC or Marvel.

Manga Scene talks about Koichi Ohata and his story M.D. Geist. The picks of the month are X 1999 and "Zenki".

Tom Palmer talks about what the small press companies are doing in 1996.

The "Generation X" TV-movie is going to lead to the greatest series ever and usher in a new wave of comic book TV shows. "Green Hornet", a movie starring George Clooney and Jason Scott Lee may start filming soon.

The Top Ten Comics are X-Men Prime #1, Shi #1, The X-Files #1, Lady Death #1, Vengeance of Vampirella #1, Ash #1, Generation X #1, Gen13 #1 (miniseries), X-Man #1, Gen13 #1. Marvel Graphic Novel #4 featuring The New Mutants is a back issue you need to watch out for. Animal Man #5 by Grant Morrison, Chas Truog, and Doug Hazelwood is a good and cheap back issue. And the books you should pick up? DC Vs. Marvel #1, Logan #1, Gen13/Maxx #1, The Phoenix Resurrection, and Star Wars: Boba Fett-Bounty On Bar-Koanda.

Card Market DC is getting their own OverPower cards that are compatible with the Marvel ones. It's also announced that Amalgam Comics (the combination of DC and Marvel in the aftermath of DC Vs. Marvel) will be getting it's own set. Batman Master Series is going to be released from Skybox as well as Power Chrome: DC Legends (a chromium card set) and Outburst DC Firepower (an embossed card set). 

Here are the top 10 writers and artists for this month.

Uncanny X-Men #328 is the best-selling comic for the month of November 1995. Honestly, the X-Men are basically the top 8 for November.

And finally, Wizard profiles Adam West and Burt Ward at the end of the issue.

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Crankshaft

We all know that Crankshaft just kind of time-hopped over the pandemic. I wonder how long they time-hopped this time because it's certainly not 2022.

Mallard Fillmore

Mm. It appears this Fishman guy doesn't understand this strawman argument either. How many people is Grogg able to kill with a giant boulder lifted over his head? Probably a lot less than with an easy to carry wooden club, just like someone with a gun could kill a lot more people than a person with a knife. But they know and understand this, they just don't care.

panel from The Lockhorns

Leroy is wearing the exact same sweater as the dog which is, to be honest, is adorable and instead of being angry and embarrassed, Leroy should be embracing this moment.

Nancy

Sluggo Points won't be accepted as real cryptocurrency until Elon Musk accepts them but make sure to jump on this bandwagon early so you'll be rich when they happens. Move over, Dogecoin, Sluggo Points are here.

The Born Loser

Aren't you more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery? No matter, Uncle Ted was struck by lightning and survived and seems to have no ill-effects from it. After winning the lottery and getting struck by lightning all in one day, fate should just leave Uncle Ted alone for the rest of his life.

If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi. You can now also tip me on the Twitter app using Cashapp or Venmo.

A Talking Ape?

Clown

Dr. Philip McHenry returned home from a long shift at the hospital. He pulled into the driveway, the garage door slowly rising to let him in. He noticed something in the yard but didn't think anything of it until he saw the glint off of an eye staring at him.

He slammed the car into park and got out. He ran over to the mass which was mangled and bloodied. "Eloise!" he exclaimed as he rolled his daughter onto her back. She had been stabbed several times and practically disemboweled. Her empty eyes stared up at him but there was nothing he could do now. "Theresa! Troy! Helena! Savannah!" he quickly stood up and ran to the house. He went into the garage, which was open now, and saw someone tied up, bleeding out from the stomach. "Jerry?" Jerry, his best friend, was still alive but barely. "What is going on? Who is doing this?"

Jerry just gurgled, blood oozing from his mouth. "Cluh..." he stammered and then passed out.

Dr. McHenry stepped into his house where his wife and three other children were being chased and attacked by a monstrous looking clown. His family had been cut numerous times before he had arrived but was still putting up a fight. The clown was wearing a red dress with white polka dots, bright yellow shoes with red puff balls on the toes, and a hat that resembled a capotain pilgrim hat only it was as red as the dress. The clown's teeth were cartoonishly sharp and it carried a stick in each hand along with a knife in one hand and a saw in the other. McHenry's youngest, Savannah, became the next victim. She was knocked down by a stick, slit open by the knife, and then sawed in half--from head to crotch. The clown smiled the entire time and then went after the family again.

Dr. McHenry got involved and tried to get between his family and the clown. He tried to catch the clown's eyes and then saw it. "Grandma?" he gasped. His grandma had been dead for years but here she was. Back from the dead as a demented evil clown intent on murdering his entire family. "What are you doing?"

She attacked him. The knife slicing his shirt. While the knife missed Dr. McHenry, it struck Troy in the eye. The clown repeatedly stabbed Troy until he no longer moved. It then began sawing his body in half. "Come on, we have to get out of here," Dr. McHenry said. "The car is in the driveway. Let's go." He took Theresa's hand and Theresa took Helena's hand and they tried to outrun the clown. A saw sliced through Theresa's arm and the clown knocked down Helena and sat on top of her as it began sawing through Helena. She screamed until the saw entered her brain and then went quiet. It was just Dr. McHenry and Theresa now. They went into the garage where Jerry was still hanging, now definitely dead.

"What's Jerry doing here?" Theresa screamed.

"I don't know. Grandma Evil Clown must've brought him here to kill him as a warning or something," Dr. McHenry panted. They were almost to the car when Theresa went down and took Dr. McHenry with her. The clown was on top of her using the saw on her just like with Helena. Theresa screamed until the saw entered her brain. Dr. McHenry had enough. He grabbed a baseball bat that was leaning against the wall of the garage. He began swinging. "What are you doing? Stop doing this!" he shouted. He kept swinging the bat. "Why are you doing this?" the bat made contact, knocking the clown off of Theresa, not that it mattered.

The clown made no noise as it stood back up and began approaching Dr. McHenry with knives, sticks, and saws drawn. Dr. McHenry slowly backed up trying to keep the clown at bay while also making his way to the car. The clown began swinging his weaponry around, backing Dr. McHenry against the car. The sticks made contact with his arm and hands, knocking the bat out of his hand. The clown made a couple thrusting motions and the knife went into Dr. McHenry twice. Reflexively, his hands went to his wounds and he began falling to his knees. The knife came at him several more times, he tried to dodge or block to no avail.

Still living and breathing, the clown began sawing into Dr. McHenry like it had the rest of the family. Out in the street, a car slowed down and began turning into the driveway but abruptly stopped. It was the car that belonged to another friend of Dr. McHenry. Upon seeing the demented clown sawing through Dr. McHenry, the friend continued driving and disappeared down the road.

This story originally appeared on my Ko-fi. If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee. The picture, which inspired this story, was drawn by a former student.

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Mallard Fillmore

Once again, the broad "humor" of Mallard Fillmore turns something perfectly serviceable into something confusing. Is this a commentary on parents forcing their kids not to do something because they deem it dangerous or it is commentary on "we won't let you drink pop but you can shove earbuds in your head all day"? Or is it a commentary on government overreach and taking away "muh freedoms"? I guess it's possible it could be all of them.

Marvin

I had to see this stupid comic so you have to, too.

Crock

Handy that the ancient desert tribe carved the reason for the crying rock into the rock. Shame that those around now can't take two seconds to stop and read though.

The Born Loser

I think you would know if Uncle Ted smoked, Brutus. He's a man in his 70s(?) and they aren't going to keep that part of their life hidden anymore.

Great. 2019 has now infiltrated our Sunday comics. God, I hope Chip is back on Monday.

Four Candles? There's No Way Gladys Is 40

Recently, my students had to read "The Monkey's Paw" by W.W. Jacobs. Written in 1902, it's become a classic tale about unintended consequences and being careful about what you wish for. One of their assignments was to write an ending for it. Those who know it, know that the story ends with Mr. White using his third wish to wish away whoever is knocking at the door, presumably his own deceased son, but the ambiguous ending leaves just a little room for interpretation. To give the kids kind of an idea, I wrote my own ending, adding a little twist and another unintended consequence courtesy of the paw. If you wish to read the original story, you can read it here.

"What happened?" Mrs. White shrieked. "What happened to our son?"

"I wished whoever was at the door to return being dead. Our son would've been a monster. A disfigured monster. I wanted to spare you that," Mr. White said.

Mrs. White ran over to her husband, crying. "Oh, my Herbert..."

Herbert, still in the cemetery, had awoken, air filling his lungs for the first time in ten days. Engulfed in blackness, Herbert panicked, began pounding on the top of the coffin. If anyone had been in the cemetery, no one would hear him anyway. Soon, the pounding and panicking would stop as the air ran out.

The next day, there was another pounding at the door. Practically paralyzed with mourning, Mrs. White didn't move. Mr. White went to the door and opened it to one of the local constable. "Sorry to bother you this early, sir. We are inquiring about a Mr. Abernathy Meggins. He was out visiting the family of an employee who had died. The family of a Mr. Herbert White. A neighbor reported that they saw him here last night."

Mr. White's eyes widened. The pounding at the door. The wish. What if the pounding at the door wasn't from his reborn son? What if...?

"Sir?" the constable made eye contact with Mr. White. "Would you like to step out here and talk?"

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Marvin

Has Grandpa here ever been around kids? They're loud. They could be sitting right next to each other and they're screaming at each other about their own private business then they get all mad if they discover you listening to them. Then be quiet!

Hi & Lois

Hi should just pay someone. Paying someone has to be cheaper than the medical bills if Hi falls and breaks his neck.

Marmaduke

It's good to see that Marmaduke just can't do anything he wants. Don't go tampering in God's domain, Marm, They'll get you.

Luann

Come on, Toni! Brad's horny!! You better be making sex popcorn in there!

Mallard Fillmore

As some of you may know, Bruce Tinsley, the original creator of Mallard Fillmore, quietly stopped producing the strip late in 2019 and the reins were handed over to Loren Fishman. From what I've seen, the arguments are a bit more intelligent than what Tinsley used and the art doesn't look like it was drawn by a child using their foot.

By the way, I've seen this scenario happen in real time on Twitter. Someone discovered some F-level celebrity followed a pro-lifer and essentially spent the rest of the day ripping their account apart. Social media is fun.

Heathcliff

It must be nice to just take the, what is it? Lasso tool? On Photoshop and just move the character around and not have to redraw it seven times.

The Born Loser

That is a pretty small cake. I get that it's only three people but that cake looks like it would only produce four good-sized pieces.

What a minute! Where's Mother Gargle?! That's something I never thought I'd say but it's her daughter's birthday. You'd think she'd be here.

Sunday Comics #2

I'm not a fan of stupid drivers. It's one thing to just make small mistakes that are inconsequential but blatantly obvious bad and/or stupid driving is just unacceptable. We have an intersection where I live that has restricted left turns from 3 PM to 6 PM Monday through Friday and I see numerous people hold up traffic in order to make a left turn there. And they could just go up 1/4 of a block and make their left turn there. It creates the same issue of backed up traffic but at least there's not four signs telling people not to make a left turn. And I don't even understand what Mallard Fillmore is getting at in today's strip.

Okay. So Chantel is making a left turn against four lanes of traffic and holding up traffic behind her as a result. Mallard hypothesizes that if Chantel turns right and then makes two lefts, she will end up where she needs to be. I drew up a sketch of how that would look.

If Chantel turns right then makes two lefts, indicated by the dotted arrows, she still has to cross eight lanes of traffic. Sure, it would be easier if there's a stoplight at that intersection. If there is a stoplight then she will be able to turn left sooner or later anyway or just go the next intersection and turn left with the light.

I'd like to say this is some sort of clever strip using driving as some kind of analogy for politics ("You went left and it didn't work out, why don't you try going right?") but we all know Bruce just got behind someone doing exactly this and he spent the three minutes he was stuck in traffic screaming out his window: "Just turn right and go around you moron! Just go right!!"

Curtis

I'm not disputing that this is a good prank, I'm just wondering where Curtis or whoever actually brought in that cow, got it. Last I knew, there were very few cows in the middle of urban centers.

Family Circus

Family Circus: Origins. We finally learn why the Keanes began holding their own worship at their house, not because the sermons began getting too "liberal" but because they wanted to indoctrinate their kids without disturbing the other followers.

Name-Dropping New Year's

Hey! Welcome to 2017. I'm not going to use the new year to announce any big changes or anything mainly because I didn't think of any. Everything should remain the same as it has over the last year. Two new Story Series will be debuting next month and several titles got new header dress (see above) but nothing new or major to announce. I still have a Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram that you should check out. Hopefully I will use Facebook more but who knows, I barely use my personal Facebook. I also still have a Patreon which I have been having trouble coming up with stuff for. That may be a goal this year. I hope you enjoy what's coming this year, please check out the store, click on some advertisements, and tell your friends about this website.

Crock

One of the things that Bill Rechin and Don Wilder thought was missing from the comics and made a resolution to add more of in 2017 was death.

Hi and Lois

I don't remember any of these happening. Did Brian and Greg Walker just make up a year in review because, let's face it, nothing ever changes in Hi and Lois.

Mallard Fillmore

Suck a bag of dicks, Bruce Tinsley. Suck a bag of dicks.

I Hope It Becomes Like a Bob Hope Road Comedy

Amazing Spider-Man

I made a joke to myself yesterday that I hoped we would actually see Spidey and Ant-Man signing paperwork and being offered the additional insurance while at the rent-a-car place and today we pretty much get exactly that. Why we needed this little interlude I don't know but when I thought about it yesterday, it was just a joke. Just a joke.

Mallard Fillmore

I only read Mallard on Sundays now. Doing that has really cut back on my headaches.

I would stop raking my leafs but if I just leave them there--especially if it is after I stop mowing for the season, the leaves kill my grass and end up leaving barren patches of dirt in my lawn. The thing is, Bruce Tinsley doesn't need to write and draw and color an entire Sunday strip just to justify to himself or his neighbors why he's not going to rake his leaves anymore.

Mary Worth

Ugh. Finally, after months--possibly years--of flirting and innuendo, Iris and Tommy are going to kiss. The world thought their relationship was wrong, but it was the world that was wrong.

The Born Loser

I love strawberry-rhubarb pie...and I hate strawberries. Going by Brutus' jerkass tone and look in the fourth panel, he doesn't get any pie.

Peanuts