Sunday, December 23, 2018

Arjon #4

“Man is basically good,” Dr. Coot began. “But history has shown us that man will throw those who we love and care about off a cliff if it benefits us.”

“I don’t believe that,” Arjon pshawed. “Sure there are a few bad apples but for the most part, man is good.”

“A few bad apples spoil the bunch.”

Arjon pshawed again. “As you said, man is basically good.”

“You are too trusting of everybody,” Dr. Coot said.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“You can’t trust everybody blindly. That is a recipe for betrayal.”

“Why can’t I trust people until they hurt me?”

“Because it may be too late,” Dr. Coot replied ominously. “Let me explain.”

“I’m gonna do the Pad Challenge someday,” Caleb said.

“You say that every time you’re here. Which is a lot because we eat here, like, every day,” Brittany said. “Quit talking about and just do it.”

“It’s a five pound hamburger. Easier said than done,” Caleb scoffed.

“It’s not that bad. I did it,” Brittany revealed.

“What? You? You took the Pad Challenge?”

“No. I completed the Pad Challenge. And I could do it again.”

“We haven’t ordered. Do it right now,” Caleb said.

“Do what right now?” Randy asked, sitting down at their booth.

“Brittany says she could do the Pad Challenge.”

“Oh, I believe it. She’s got some meat on her. Look at those legs. And that little hint of paunch,” Randy pointed out.

“I’ll have you know, guys love my paunch,” Brittany huffed.

“Oh, I bet,” Randy winked and clicked his tongue.

“Humans being terrible is more than just pointing and saying ‘Hey, look at Hitler over there.’ You don’t have to look at dictators to see how awful human can be. Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Tommy Dursey, Jack Wahball, Bill Doughty.”

“Who are those last three?”

“Kids from the street I grew up on. I would play keep-away with them using a water balloon and somehow always ended up soaked in urine.”

“Those were all men. Don’t women do anything bad?”

“Certainly. The difference is if a woman does something bad, men declare her ‘hysterical’, deem her insane, and burn her at the stake. One evil woman you may have heard of is Elizabeth Bathory who slept with and killed young girls for their blood in an effort to stay young.”

“See? That’s the problem with humans, you don’t look at the majority of the people, you look at the minority and base your assumptions on the outliers,” Arjon said. “What’s interesting is that white men seem to get a pass.”

“Whoa, whoa!” Dr. Coot exclaimed, holding his hand out. “White men are not on trial here.”

“They’re barely on trial anywhere.”

“Have any Bananas committed atrocities?” Dr. Coot asked.

“Generations ago, there was one, Maroy, who invited colonizers to our village. They slaughtered dozens and began a war. After about four years, the colonizers quit sending people to fight because they realized that we have no resources. While the atrocities were committed by colonizers--white men, just so you know--Maroy was captured, tried, and convicted for attempted genocide. Note that even though white men did those horrible things to my ancestors, I don’t blame all white men for it. I don’t blame Caleb or Randy or even you despite you looking and sounding exactly like the colonizers.”

Dr. Coot stopped writing and stared at Arjon.

Brittany was halfway through the hamburger, ketchup was dripping from her mouth with each bite. She was noticeably sweating and breathing heavily.

“You can stop, Brittany. You’re killing yourself,” Randy proclaimed.

“This is a $30 burger. I can’t afford that. I have to finish it,” she said, slightly gurgling. She continued eating, a small crowd had gathered around her, cheering her on.

“I’m confused why this is the most exciting thing I’ve seen in a long time,” Randy said.

“I’m confused why I’m so turned on right now,” Caleb revealed.

“How has your time here been going?” Dr. Coot asked, changing the subject.

“It’s good. I have four good friends and Brittany used me to help keep her ex-boyfriend away,” Arjon answered.

“Do you think you’re going to stay? Are you going to try and become a citizen?”

“I’ll stay as long as I’m in school. I don’t know about citizenship.”

“If you are interested in citizenship, we can help you with that.”

“Maybe. While I’m having a good time here, I am homesick. I do plan on going back to my village during the summer,” Arjon revealed.

Dr. Coot nodded. “Thank you for coming in today. I’ll see you next week.”

Arjon got to the Pad and saw a crowd around Brittany, Caleb, and Randy. She was down to the last couple of bites. She was slumped in her chair. Her pants were undone and she had unbuttoned her shirt. “Go Brittany,” Arjon cheered, following what everyone else was doing.

Brittany saw his face, grabbed the burger and held it up in ceremony. She took a big bite, slowly chewed, and swallowed. She then put the last bite in her mouth, slowly chewed, and swallowed. The whole crowd cheered. Brittany stayed seated but raised her arms.

The cheering died down and soon the crowd dispersed. Arjon sat down next to Brittany. “I missed a lot while I was with Dr. Coot,” Arjon said.

“They...dared me,” she panted and halfheartedly pointed at Caleb and Randy. “Can’t afford…$30 hamburger.”

“I’m sorry I missed most of it. At least I got to see the grand finale,” Arjon said.

Brittany sunk more into the booth and farted, loud and long. When done, Brittany placed her hand on her stomach and smiled. “Oh, yeah,” she moaned.

“Why am I even more turned on now?” Caleb leaned over and quietly asked Randy.