Look Good, Feel Good

July 15, 1966

It's good to know that men have been the worst since the beginning of time. I'd watch your back, Eve. Adam is clearly up to something. He's going to ruin paradise for everyone!

I'm glad that Gladys feels better about herself, I wish we could see the difference. I guess she just keeps the same style, just cuts off the split-ends. Having a clean and fresh haircut does feel good, when you think about it.

2019-2025

I have to post today's comic first because Chip (or the syndicate) got my ass today! They edited the dates from 2019/2020 to 2024/2025. Although they should've changed the 2019 in yesterday's strip to 2024. You would think someone would've caught that.

A 2020 calendar would've wound up worthless anyway since the calendar ended on December 31st and today is March 1765, 2020.

January 31, 1966

Now, I'm not religious, but if I saw Noah's Ark complete with two of every animal approaching, I would probably start freaking out. I don't want to die in a flood!

What are those animals? Rabbits, mice, giraffes, and capybaras? Hippos?

Monday Quickies

December 27, 1965

This is a beach priest. He has no power over you.

Cool. Now things in Brutus' house are trying to kill him.

No Signature Ring-A-Ding Sauce?

The Winters family are just simple farmers and this is their last night alive. From Tauy Creek Digest #56, "Winter".

February 2, 1986

Did the good rev'rund pick Brutus' pocket? That tracks, honestly. Good ol' fashioned religious shakedown.

Why are all these sauces seem so spicy? Where are all the Zings and Wangos and Tangys? Where are the normal blue cheese, barbecue, honey mustard, and ranch-based sauces? I still want to be able to taste and see color when I'm done eating wings.

It's summer! If you would like to support me or this website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

Water, Water Everywhere

August 19, 1965

I have a lot of questions about this Noah's Ark themed strip. A turtle giving a weather report. That conventional time exists (11 P.M. weather). That news exists! That animals talk. That we're blaming a turtle for God's temper tantrum. But I can't get over that the turtle's name is Maurice Bascombe.

Oh shit! Veeblefester is on to you, Brutus! Just because you are hanging out at the work watercooler doesn't mean you are doing work. If you keep abusing the watercooler privileges, it will go away and you'll just have to start bringing your own water to work.

Sorry About the Verbal Domestic Abuse

July 1, 1965

Many consider the story of Samson and Delilah to be a cautionary tale about hanging out with outsiders and foreigners. The Bible seems full of stories like that. "We love prostitutes. They just better not be from the other side of the river!"

Was Samson supposed to be an ugly meathead doof? Most statues and paintings I looked up show him as handsome and muscular. This interpretation is...not that.

"I hope Mama wasn't too terrible yesterday. If only there was some way we could just tell her not to come over unless she can be nicer. Oh, well, I guess there's no way we can do that. We're stuck with her."

Even God Rested...

April 19, 1986

I have to admit that I like how snarky Art was toward church and the parson here. I'm sure most of the unfortunate would like to reverse their direction. Sadly, attending a church service, meditating, or singing a hymn doesn't help with that. You know what does? Money.

Can't a person just have one freaking day off? That's one thing I hate about life: I work all week and then I still have to come home and do more work--whether it's dishes, cooking, cleaning. I have a right to have a least one day where I don't have to do anymore work. And Gladys is home all day? Is there a reason she needs help? You couldn't ask him for help on Thursday, Friday, or Saturday? Because it was a holiday week, remember.

Ugh. This strip is angering up the blood.

I plan on getting back into history/comics/stories in December. If you would like to support my writing, research, or just this website, you can buy me a cup of coffee on Ko-fi.

Uncle Ted Is 13.8 Billion Years Old?

February 19, 1976

Reverend Dr. John Bonell began a "Dial a Prayer" service from the Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church in New York City in 1956. I'm assuming there were others around the country, some, I guess, that doubled as answering services for rich narcissists.

The most famous "Dial a Prayer" is probably not the 2015 movie starring Brittany Snow and William H Macy, but Springfield's own "Listen Lady".

Is Wilberforce at a school for smart kids? (I kid, Wilberforce isn't smart.) What elementary school is teaching (not just teaching but assigning a book and possibly homework) about the Apollo Space Program? None of the elementary schools I'm around.

Why Did She Pour It?

The reaction Gladys gives in the last panel makes me think the Thornapples and Gargles are not Catholic and don't...is celebrate the right word?...Lent. I'm a little bothered by Gladys' remark in the first panel. "Your coffee is getting cold, Mama..." She's not a child. She doesn't need some sort of cue.

Whiz Bang #4: A Matter of Faith

I've been wanting to watch this movie since I heard about it. As some of you may know, I am a huge fan of Harry Anderson who starred in the long-running series Night Court from 1984 until 1992. After Night Court, he starred in Dave's World from 1993 to 1997 and has been rarely seen since that show ended. When I saw this movie pop up on his IMDb page, I had to watch it mainly to try and figure out why he took the role. Usually when people take these roles it's because they think it will be a good boost to their career or they truly believe in what it is trying to say. Clarence Gilyard, Jr. from Matlock and Walker, Texas Ranger, also stars but I can guess why he took the job. Anderson not so much. But how does the movie fare? Let's find out.

The movie opens in a flashback. Steven Whitaker (Jay Pickett) and his 8-year-old daughter, Rachel, are walking along a river and while he is sitting over on a park bench, she is skipping rocks in the river. She sees a fifty cent piece lying in the grass and she bends down to pick it up. Another boy also sees the coin, goes over to Rachel and pries the coin from her hand and walks away. Steven uses this as a teachable moment for Rachel and tells her about God. She becomes Christian that same day.

Ten years later, Rachel (Jordan Trovillion) is heading off to college. During a farewell get-together, Steven begs "Promise me you won't get married until you're 45" to great laughter. Do a lot of girls go off to college and get married? Is that a thing? Anyway, we cut back to home where Rachel is packing. She dutifully packs away her Bible and, secretly, Steven places $50 in it as emergency money for his beloved daughter and soon she is driving away to her bright future at college.

Dad's not so sure.

I wondered why Rachel's parents did go with her to move in. The school was only three hours away. Don't most parents go with their kids on move-in day? Rachel meets her roommate, Ally (Stephanie Shemanski) and the two become fast friends. The first thing that Rachel unpacks is her Bible which she immediately shoves in a drawer. The first, and only class, she goes to is Biology with Professor Kaman.

Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Kaman says that his goal is to teach and entertain. Had I wrote this movie, he would totally be doing magic tricks but there's none of that here. Kaman is still the most popular professor on campus despite this. The first thing he is going to teach the class about is evolution. He starts off asking the class what came first? The chicken or the egg? The class is divided so Kaman asks why they think the way they do. Jason (Justin Brandt), I think, says the egg because the chicken had to come from somewhere while Rachel says the chicken because there can't be eggs without chickens. Kaman says that the egg came first because chickens first had to evolve to become chickens. Rachel's world is abruptly shattered and she thinks about this while thoughtful music plays. "My Dad would not agree with that" she later tells Ally.

Rachel is not amused by your blasphemy, Kaman.

And Mel Torme isn't all that great, either.

While it is clear that Jason kind of likes Rachel, nothing comes from it and they remain friends. Ally and Jason then convince Rachel to go over to a popular guy, Tyler (Barrett Carnahan), and offer him $100 if she lets him crack three eggs over his head. He agrees and she cracks two then walks away saying he only gets the $100 if she crack three eggs over his head. Rachel runs off, giggling, and Tyler decides then and there that he would like to have sex with her. Meanwhile, a couple of guys in the journalism department are forced to archive 60 years of school newspapers which introduces us to Evan (Chandler Macocha), who, you could say, is the villain of the piece.

Tyler confronts Rachel about the egg thing as we all would and asks her to the monthly debate that the school holds for some reason. Tyler hypes up the debate as the hottest place in town but there are only a few people there. It was just a ruse to get Rachel to go out with him.

A sexy ruse.

Rachel returns home for a weekend, taking her trusty Bible with her. Steven is very concerned with Rachel's experience at college asking her "Did you find a church yet?" As they leave for church, Rachel asks her Dad to grab her Bible. Steven opens Rachel's Bible only to see the $50 he put in there in August still where he left it. He shakes his head judgmentally and takes the $50 back because he doesn't have a daughter now. As Rachel talks more about college, and Kaman in particular, Steven gets angrier and when he Googles Kaman, he learns that he is an evolutionist. Steven even talks to the family's Pastor about this. "All public schools teach evolution," the Pastor lies. "Some Christian schools are even buying into it."

Kaman is quickly becoming Rachel's favorite teacher but Evan doesn't like Kaman. "He's not right," Evan says before insulting a random student who holds evolutionist beliefs. Evan doesn't care if Kaman was street magician, or a loveable judge, or popular syndicated columnist, his belief in evolution flies in the face of everything he loves. Meanwhile, Steven and Kimberly (Sarah Samoo), Kimberly is Rachel's mom who is barely present in the movie, decide to take a trip to college so that they can have dinner with Rachel Steven can confront Professor Kaman about his beliefs in evolution.

Kaman's argument for what he teaches is that he teaches what is in the textbooks, real people doing real experiments. He's a science teacher so he is teaching science. Kaman's not stopping people from believing in the Bible but he wants people to make up their own mind. Steven doesn't like that answer so he is soon accepting a challenge from Kaman, debating him at the school's monthly debate night. Creationism Versus Evolution. Kaman will be sure to get you some tickets.

In class, Kaman calls out Rachel's dad, promoting the debate. "We have a Dad who doesn't like his daughter thinking for herself" he says, in front of everybody. It turns out to be Rachel's best day in college.

Well, maybe not.

Rachel then spends most of rest of the movie begging Steven not to do the debate because Kaman has years, even decades of knowledge at his disposal and Steven has nothing. But Steven does do some boning up on creationism so he can be at least minimally prepared. We then learn that Kaman got a Professor Portland (Clarence Gilyard) fired because Portland refused to teach evolution. Sounds like a good reason to get fired to me, not doing your job but Evan wants to make sure that Steven wipes the floor with Kaman and begins helping Steven prepare for the debate. They become such good friends that Steven takes Evan to where Rachel first became a Christian--the river from the opening scene of the movie. Evan and Steven even track down Professor Portland who refuses to help.

Evan becomes even more of a jerk after another student talks to Rachel about Kaman's "ape explanation". Literal exchange.
Evan: "Does your Mom look like an ape?"
Student: "No."
Evan: "Does your grandmother look like an ape?"
Student: "No."
Evan: "Does your great-grandmother? Or your great-great-grandmother?"

There are no apes in anyone's family tree so that is proof evolution doesn't exist. Except that this discounts the millions of years evolution actually takes by only going back three generations but we're at the point in the movie that creationists have to prevail. I would like to note that every Christian in the movie has made Rachel cry. After being yelled at by everybody and dumping Tyler because he wanted to sleep with her and because of something Evan said, Rachel grabs her Bible, talks with God and then apologizes to her Dad. The next day, she begs Kaman to call off the debate. Kaman says that he accepted a challenge from Steven which is not what was shown but, again, God must prevail. Rachel then stabs Kaman in the heart by saying "The chicken came first," as she storms out of the classroom.

This is Tyler after Rachel breaks up with her. He's pissed that he doesn't
get to bang her now.

It's the night of the debate and Steven gets to kick us off with an opening statement. Steven argues that evolution is not science because you cannot see any change. You can't do an experiment therefore it can't be scientific. Kaman seems impressed but God must prevail. Kaman argues that faith cannot be proven but we have fossil evidence and that is proof.
Steven: "What about God?"
Kaman: "Man created God. Man fears death. Man found life unfair. A God was created to put all of our fears and problems into.
Steven: "What's the purpose of life?"
Kaman: "To live, to die, to become part of the Earth."
Steven: "I believe in an afterlife."

This segues into whether or not the Bible can be trusted. "It's the world of God." "Wasn't it written by man?" "Yes." "Then how is it the word of God?" This is where Professor Portland comes in a the savior. He then takes over the debate from Steven and explains that man would rather destroy God than create Him because we blame God for all of our problems which is kind of what Kaman explained earlier. Portland also explains that we DO NOT see evolutionary change. Plants stay plants. Dogs stay dogs. Kangaroos stay kangaroos. Again, this is skipping over the "evolution takes million of years to work" evidence. The Earth isn't close to being millions of years old. Portland says that since we can't prove either side, both sides can be correct.

But creationism is the correct answer because creationists have God. The truth is in the Bible. Kaman is rendered speechless even though there is still much to argue about. The main problem I have is that no one ever says the theory of evolution. The movie treats evolution as law which is incorrect because we don't have the answers. We have fossil records and the few things we've actually witnessed go through evolution but evolution is still just a theory.

Steven and Professor Portland walk off stage together. Kaman has lost the debate because the movie demanded it and Rachel and Evan, the guy who has treated her so badly the entire movie, start dating.

At the river, yet again, Rachel tells Evan about the boy and the fifty cent piece from the beginning of the movie. Evan then drops a bombshell. He was the boy that took the fifty cent piece. Doing that, made him a Christian because it made him feel so bad. Rachel and Evan walk off to go to lunch and the movie ends.

Yeah, and the best defense is a good offense.

The First Church of Jerks

I've never been a religious person. No one in my family really was. It wasn't until my Grandma passed away that my family inexplicably started worrying about God and Heaven--at least openly anyway. Facing one's own mortality will do that, I guess. The most religious thing in my house for years was a picture of two hands holding what I thought was a chicken nugget. Turns out it was one of his thumbs and he was just holding out his hands. After all these years, I still see a chicken nugget.

My Mom actually tried to get me to go to church one summer. She signed me up for a some sort of summer school thing that lasted a couple weeks. It was something I thought I could survive. It was my first real experience with religion and church and based on everything I had heard, it was going to be a happy and friendly experience. I was in a "class" with about seven boys and three girls. It was an all day thing so we actually got snacks and a time for recess. You would honestly think that being with children who were regular church-goers would be a pretty pleasant experience but it wasn't and it was really the only true experience I've had with bullying. A neighborhood punk even ran over me with his bicycle and I didn't consider that bullying.

What I thought was baffling was that they passed the collection plate. Again, this was my first major experience with church so I didn't know what the hell it was and I just stared at it and the roughly five-to-ten dollars in change that the other kids had thrown in the basket. My mom didn't tell my that I had to give them money. The teacher then asked if I had any offerings (or something like that) and I said no which was a mistake as the boys then made fun of me for being poor which made the girls giggle. I was pushed into the grass during recess. To be fair, I was poor but we could afford fifty cents or a buck to throw in a basket. When I got home I talked to my Mom about it and she promised that she would send money with me for the rest of the school. At no point did anyone ever tell me what the money was for.

When I went back the next day, the collection plate was passed again but now I had money in various coin denominations that my mom had given me. I dropped the money in and went about my day. I believe my milk was stolen.

As the week progressed, I was done. I decided on my last day that I wasn't going to give them the money my mom had given me. When the plate came to me, I just passed it on. The teacher then said "Don't you have anything?" I said no and looked away. Then one of the boys that had been messing with me all week says loudly "Yes, he does! It's in his pocket!" Sure, I was keeping the money but I told no one about it. How did he know and what if I didn't have any money? The teacher stared angrily at me until I dropped the money in the basket. I don't think I was ever more happy to see my mom pick me up from someplace until a babysitter I had fed me a bowl of bread in milk for breakfast one morning.

I threw up a little in my mouth doing an Internet search for this.

The next summer, my mom wanted to enroll me in another church summer school and I said no. She said that we could look for another church and I said no. And that was the last time I ever went to church regularly. When I was in high school, a girlfriend wanted me to go to church with her because church was important to her. I went a couple of times before telling her that going to church wasn't me and that she should love me whether or not I go to church. We broke up soon after.

I've been to church only a few times since my terrible experience at that summer school and each time was a much better experience with meeting kind people and actually enjoying the service. I guess I can just chalk up those two weeks at summer school to kids being kids but you would think your first time going to church would be a more uplifting experience.

Until next time, I remain...
~Brian

The Church of Veeblefester

I give my mind, body and soul to you, Veeblefester. You are the messiah in this Godless world. All hail to the Veeblefester! Worship the tea cozy magnate at the church of your choice! Hail, Veeblefester! Hail, Veeblefester! ALLAH!!!

Lent? That Still Going On?

If Brutus gave up sweets for Lent then why was he upset when St. Patrick's Day rolled around?  Brutus could drink!  Maybe he was more upset about the hat he was wearing.

The Rivers Will Flow Green With the Blood of Leprechauns

From my extensive research on Wikipedia, Lent begins on Ash Wednesday, which can begin anytime between February 4th and March 10th, and ends Holy Saturday (the Saturday before Easter).  St. Patrick's Day is always on March 17th so Lent and St. Patrick's Day cross quite a bit so if you want to be able to drink on St. Patrick's Day then don't give that up for Lent.