Sunday, January 03, 2010

#206: Baby Blather

This is a follow-up article for POB#187 back in March of 2009. For your information, I am still a jerk.

Well, the girl had her baby. It's sort of cute but I still don't have proof that she ever gave birth. Just like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, I'm going to need actually proof of birth including but not limited to photos of the actual birth, DNA samples from both the mother and father, a sworn affidavit from the father saying he is the father and signatures from two doctors and two nurses who were witnesses to the OB/GYN visits.

What really aggravates me is when new parents create a social networking site for the underaged spawn. Why does 8-month-old Lucas Taylor Garrison need a Facebook page? If you got it so an aunt of Buttcluster, Virginia (pop. 354) can see pictures, you do realize that if she can get Facebook, see can get email right? Email her files and have her save them either in a special email folder or on her computer? I sometimes think they do it to be cute (re: stupid) and then when it gets old, they can just delete the account and move on with their life.

I go through spells of whether or not I want more children. Sometimes I'll just be sitting there and having a baby seems really pleasant to me (aside from the puking and pooping) and I will consider talking to my wife about having her birth control removed but then there'll be another day where I want to strangle every kid or baby I see but I can't because the legal system frowns upon that. But then a week later, I'll be baby happy again. I seriously think I got a woman's internal clock.

A few years ago, I was going to my favorite taco place, Taco Casa, when Lawrence had one and had to park a few spots down and walk there. As I'm walking this cute little blond girl--about five or six--comes out of Blue Chip Cookies with her mother, looks at me then starts running toward me shouting "Daddy!" with a huge smile on her face. I stop in my tracks and say "Oh, sorry but I'm not your daddy" which she understand and apparently had me confused with, well, her daddy. Her mom apologized to me and we went our separate ways. She was a really cute girl. I should've scooped her up and said "Whoop, sorry. She's mine now. She's claimed me." But I didn't really want to get the courts involved in my Taco Casa dinner.

I hope when the time comes for the wife and me to have a baby that we have a girl and that my wife lets me name it because I really have a name I want to use.

Until next time, I remain...