Friday, March 06, 2009

#184: Ten Things I Learned From My Girlfriends

I'll admit that I haven't had very many girlfriends (probably because I spend all my time working and caring for my son) but the few I've had just prove that most women cheat, lie and are basically crazy. (Yes, I know I'll get letters). I made a list of things I have learned from my girlfriends that I think should be a rule for most, if not all, men out there (and maybe even some lesbians but they are actually crazier than straight women). I have found the girl I want to spend my life with but that was once not the case. After the last girlfriend I devoted my time to more important things like keeping my toenails even and launching my own personal campaign to get Grey's Anatomy off the air. Here's my list, slightly updated and revised but still very true.

X. Avoid Girls With Injuries
I've never dated a girl in a wheelchair (although it was on my list) but I did date a girl who had a lower back injury. While that wasn't the main point of why I stopped seeing her, she used her injury as kind of a backdoor guilt trip. I'm sorry you had the accident but just be thankful you can walk--some people can't.

IX. If Divorced, Investigate
I dated this girl in 2002 who was a hot, older woman. She was divorced with three children but we worked well together. After we slept together, she disappeared. I called her but she never answered, she stopped showing up to work and I soon found out that she wasn't divorced. I was an innocent pawn in her little game so if your girlfriend says she's divorced, I'd make sure. Although I don't know how...

VIII. Don't Date Coworkers
I really needed to follow my own advice here because all of my girlfriends have been coworkers. Now don't get me wrong, coworkers are great for one-night stands and friends with benefits but not for long-term dating.

VII. If They Have More Issues Than the New York Times, Stay Away
The New York Times has been published every day since 1851 and I know people have problems but if every little thing causes them to break out into panic then something is wrong with them. I'm a good listener but if your life could fill the plotlines of Dawson's Creek, The O.C. and One Tree Hill then I would rather just watch those shows.

VI. Once a Slut, Always a Slut
Sure they can say that they changed and maybe some of them do but not in my reality. The girl is labeled a slut until such a time that I can have the label removed. So what qualifies someone to be a slut? Depends. Sleeping with nine guys and not remembering two of their names qualifies as does having three contenders for your baby's father. Just remember not to confuse "slut" with "whore". Whores do it for something in return. Sluts just do it.

V. Being On Jerry Springer Is Not a Goal
I dated a girl whose family had this exact goal. They were a marvelously screwed up family but since I'm somewhat normal, I don't really want to be a guest on a show like that. I wouldn't even really want to be in the audience.

IV. If They Say They Are Crazy, They Probably Are
I dated a girl who broke up with me because she said she was crazy. I've had two girlfriends break up with me because they said they were crazy and in retrospect they probably were. So I guess next time a girl is freaking out crying in the kitchen going "I'm crazy, you should get away from me" I probably will.

III. Be Weary If They Say 'I Love You'
I think this rule doesn't qualify to be on this list anymore because I have found love and I do believe her when she tells me that she loves me but before I've had three girls tells me they loved me. One I don't know her whereabouts, the second is married to someone else and the third left me and said she hates me. I think I have a different definition of love then they did. It actually got to the point where the girl would say "I love you" and I would say "Who's the 'you' in that sentence?" they would go "You, silly" and I would look over my shoulder, still confusing as to who they were really talking to.

II. Don't Date a Girl Who Already Has a Boyfriend
You'd think this would be common knowledge but I have no one to blame but myself. Someone had to get hurt and I'm happier that it was me. I learned a lot from that relationship but what a price to pay.

I. Don't Date a Girl Whose Best Friend Is Male
This one is essentially responsible for destroying my last relationship. I know it sounds kind of silly but it's true. To me it just seemed like they were too friendly and although I trusted her, it was him I had little trust for. And just to prove how platonic their friendship was, she moved out-of-state to be with him. By the way, they are now married and just had their first child.

I've had bad luck in the girlfriend department but all that is behind me now. I've been with my fiancee Audrey for over a year now so it makes all that heartache (and headache) bearable. They're all still crazy though.

Until next time, I remain...