Tauy Creek Digest #4: Sunday Morning

A beautiful Sunday morning. However, I was woken up long before I wanted to get up by my dog who had spent at least twenty minutes just walking around the room. "Fine," I said gruffly. "I'll get up since you clearly need something." I got out of bed, my dog hopping happily alongside me as we walked to the back door so I could let him out.

I went into the kitchen and looked in the coffee can only to find it empty. "Really? Empty? Then why did I leave the can on the counter," I said to myself. "I guess I could get out and get me some more," I shrugged. "Or I could just run through somewhere. It'd be quicker and I can stop after work tomorrow and actually get some coffee."




I found myself in the checkout line at the grocery store with a can of coffee crystals and three bags of coffee beans. I sat my stuff on the belt and waited for the cashier to check out the person in front of me. When it was my turn, she quickly scanned my purchases and dropped them into a bag.

"$21.53," the cashier said and I began scanning my debit card through the card reader.

The guy behind me suddenly spazzed out and pulled out a gun, pointing it at the cashier. "Give me all the money in the register!" he shouted.

"What the hell?" I asked, only wanting to finish my transaction.

The cashier shrieked and backed away from the register. "Please don't shoot me," she begged, her eyes tearing up.

"He's not going to shoot you. He just wants money," I said. "Armed robbery, he may just get probation but murder," I made a long whistle.

"Shut up or I'll shoot you," the robber screamed.

"You aren't going to shoot anybody. Open the register and give him some cash so he can get out of here and we can sic the police on him," I said to the cashier.

"No need. We're already here," someone said. "Luckily we had to stop in to grab something."

Two police officers were standing off to the side with guns pointed at the robber. He sighed and slowly raised his hands. Suddenly, a shot rang out and a piercing pain went through my shoulder. I dropped to my knees and grabbed my arm.

"We have a second shooter," one of the officers shouted and took off toward the gunshot. The other officer got his handcuffs and cuffed the robber while radioing in what was happening. "It's just someone thinking he could play hero," the officer came back, another man handcuffed with him.

"I called for an ambulance. It'll be here soon. So what was his problem?"

"He thought he could be a good guy with a gun. Didn't have a good angle and missed."

I groaned loudly and stood up. "He shot me," I screamed. "Why did you shoot when you knew two policemen were here?"

He didn't answer as the ambulance pulled up the grocery store doors. I was loaded into the back of it and taken to the hospital.




Several months later, on another Sunday, I was once again woken up long before I wanted to get up by my dog who, again, had spent at least twenty minutes walking around the room. "Fine," I said, gruffly. "I'll get up." I got out of bed, my dog hopping happily next to me as we walked to the back door. I let him out and bounded into the backyard.

I went into the kitchen and looked in the coffee can only to find that it was empty. Again. "Why don't I throw these empty things away?" I asked myself. "I guess I could run out and get some more. Or I could just through a drive-thru somewhere and buy more coffee on Monday after work."

As I stood in the kitchen, I thought about my last excursion out on a Sunday morning and carefully touched my shoulder where the bullet had been. I shook my head and went to let my dog in. I got in my car and began driving. I drove across town, well out of the way of home and any grocery store and pulled into a drive-thru. I pulled up to the order box and rolled down my window then waited a second or two before someone came on to take my order.

"Welcome to Starbucks. What can I start making you?" the barista asked.

I Think Jeff Is My Least Favorite Comic Strip Character

Slylock Fox and Comics for Kids

I like seeing scenes from before animals took over the planet. Here, a park ranger(?) attempts to keep a bear from bludgeoning a camper with a tree branch in order to get the fish. A second later, the bear is bludgeoning both the camper and ranger while the rabbit, fox, and bird look on. "I didn't know we could do that..." the bird thinks, watching with curious glee.

Momma

Momma's friend pretty much murdered her fifth husband.

Marvin

What could go wrong at a place called Swindletopia? I'm sure they won't try to...swindle...you at all.

Tauy Creek Digest #3: Back From the Dead

It took a couple weeks but I finally found a route that I liked to run. North along Garfield to 15th, west to Collins Trail and then follow that until reaching 19th Street and then back home. It was a good route with an equal amount of everything a runner should encounter. It also went through some decent neighborhoods with houses I liked to look at. Over the next couple of weeks I became very familiar with my route and what I saw when out on my runs.

After a couple weeks, I began noticing someone looking out of the window of one of the houses I pass by. It happened everyday for a week and it was like they were purposefully waiting and watching for me. As I would look when running by, the figure started looking familiar to me. Finally, I stopped at the house and went up to the door. I knocked and waited for an answer. Shockingly, the door opened and I was amazed at who I saw standing before me.

"John?" I questioned.

"Hey, Ben. Long time, no see," John welcomed and shook my hand. "I've been seeing you running. Kept thinking I'd go out and meet you or you'd come up here. I'm glad you finally did."

"It's great to see you, man. I went into the house and John closed the door. "It's been a long time. We've all really missed you. You know, since you're supposed to be dead."

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that," he gritted his teeth in a cheesy smile. "I had to. My life had just gotten so complicated that I needed a clean slate."

"A clean slate? Your friends, your sister, all mourned you. How did you even get away with it?"

"Jenna works for a mortuary. She helped make sure no one knew I didn't die."

"We had a service for you," I said.

"And I really do appreciate that. Jenna told me about it. Said everyone was very sad. I wish I could've been there."

"You were supposed to be!"

"I said I was sorry. I had to start fresh. My exes were all up in my ass, I had been taking more and more drugs, and drinking way too much way too often. Let's not forget my chronic unemployment."

"And killing yourself off had made all that better?"

"Yeah. I haven't heard thing one from my exes, my drug use is minimal and I haven't had a drink since my death," John happily said.

"What were your exes upset about?" I asked him. We sat down on the couch, on opposite ends, which started making this all seem normal.

"They just wouldn't leave me alone. Always arguing with me, coming to me when the guy they were seeing hurt them in some way. I swear to God that I had sex with them more often while we were broken up than when we were dating."

"Yeah, that sounds terrible," I sarcastically moaned.

"But like I said, I needed a clean slate."

We continued talking for several hours until we had finished catching up. As I left, John made me promise not to tell anybody. I reluctantly made the promise, unsure if I was going to keep it but who would believe if I did tell them. We shook hands again and I waved good-bye as I ran back home.

+*~*+

The next day, I drove to John's house to see him. I walked up to the door and knocked. It took longer for the door to open but, then again, he wasn't expecting me. Instead of John, there was another man. "Yes?" he answered.

"Um, I was here yesterday and there was a man here. His name is John," I said.

"Oh. John called me last night. He said that he had to leave right away. He told me to keep the rent for the month so I didn't question it. Cleaned the place up good, too," the man opened the door for me to show me a completely empty house instead of the well-furnished one I saw yesterday. "He'd been here only a couple of months. He was probably my best tenant. Oh, well."

"And he didn't leave you any forwarding information?" I asked.

"Nope, and the only phone number he gave me was a landline."

"And that didn't seem strange?" I questioned.

"As long as they don't do significant damage to my property and pay the rent, I don't care what my tenants do."

I sighed frustratedly. "Thank you. Sorry to bother you." I walked away, the landlord closing the door behind me. I got back in my car and drove away, thinking about my now twice-dead friend.

I Spent Too Long Researching That Baseball Fact

Hi and Lois

As all us comic readers know, Lois is fat tub of lard. Besides, they don't make swimsuits in size FAT. Wait. I exist in the Internet, yes they do.

Dick Tracy

Finally a comic strip has answered my letters and made transgender porn star and sensuous witch Bailey Jay a character.

via Twitter

And yes, her boyfriend is Tor Johnson.

Mark Trail

"No, Rusty, it wasn't exciting. Stuff that could kill you isn't exciting. Now get back in your Harry Potter closet under the stairs and give yourself 70 lashes and think about the ignorance you just said."

Dustin

How would getting cut off by a driverless car teach him a lesson? Because then he'd be upset at no one?

Heathcliff

The Nutmeg men have taught their bird to say the word "fart". Repeatedly. Iggy's grandma's friend doesn't seem too offended so no harm, no foul.

Ripley's Believe It Or Not

The baseball fact is true so enjoy some illustrated Gerald Ford as your reward.

Tauy Creek Digest #2: Scavenger Hunt

"We just need three more things," Cam said as we drove through the city. We were doing a scavenger hunt sponsored by our public library. The hunt was based on a book so we had to find things from a list that was made from things mentioned in the book. There were only two teams competing, a boys team and a girls team, and we didn't know how well the girls' team was doing. We had driven all around the city finding obscure items, hidden names, and collecting pamphlets, pictures of random things, and checking off things we saw as we drove around.

"What's next?" Matt asked, driving.

"Uh," I looked at the list. "The character went to enlist in the Army. What are the hours of the recruitment center?"

"Where's the Army recruitment center?" Matt asked, slowing down.

"Down on Columbus Street, I think," Justin said.

"17th and Columbus," I said and Matt sped up, now knowing where he was supposed to go. "The next clue is what plant is featured at the Mary Bell bridge in Indigo Park?"

"Indigo Park. Now I know where that is," Matt said.

We swing into the parking lot where the Army recruitment center was located. Cam, who was in charge of taking pictures, got out of the car, quickly snapped a photo of the hours it was open and hopped back in. We then took off for Indigo Park. It was a huge park so we picked a parking lot and Cam and I jumped out and began running down a trail trying to find the Mary Bell bridge. We walked for just over half a mile when we found the bridge. It was surrounded by small violet flowers and a small plaque nearly hidden by them said that they were some variety of posy. We took a picture to remember the name and then ran back to the car.

We began pulling out of the parking lot, "What's the last thing?" Matt asked.

"The character knew the whereabouts of her father when they found his hand on the shore of a lake," I read.

"There's only one lake in the city," Matt said, and began heading in that direction. It didn't take long to get there and the girls' team arrived shortly after we did.

I hopped out of the car and began running toward to the lake. A girl from their car ran out and we both arrived at the lake at the same time. We stood at the shore and looked around. "What are we looking for?" I asked her.

"It said 'a hand' but I don't see anything," she answered.

"Is there anyone around from the library?"

"Maybe this is the item that determines the winner," she suggested.

"So you're saying that there may only be one hand and it just goes to whoever finds it first?"

"Yeah," she said.

"That doesn't seem right. Then what's the point of all the other stuff?"

"Maybe the hand is the most points or the tie-breaker. I don't know."

"There's got to be a pile of fake severed hands around here somewhere," I said and walked closer to the shore of the lake. "The hand in the book was found in the water. Maybe it's around the shore in the water."

I began looking around the water without actually stepping in it. Suddenly, the girl attacked me, knocking me into the water. Half my body was in the water, on my stomach. She sat on my back and took out a pocket knife from her jeans pocket. I tried to thrash and throw her off but she put all her weight on me and I was starting to take in water. She took my arm, pressed it down to the ground just out of the water nearly dislocating my shoulder.

She started carving at my wrist with her pocket knife, slicing open the skin, blood pouring out into the lake. I thrashed and kicked more, tried to scream but only loudly gurgled under the water. Finally, I passed out as she began trying to break the bones with a decent size rock nearby.

She ran back to the girls' team car with my wrist and happily got in.

"What the hell?" Cam asked. "She found a hand. Where's Mike?" Cam got out of the car and began walking toward the lake.

"Are you with the scavenger hunt?" someone called, walking up to him.

"Yeah," Cam said.

"Here you go," he handed Cam a fake severed hand. "I couldn't figure out where to set up. Was that the other team that just left?"

"Yeah," Cam said. "She was holding a hand though. Is there someone else handing out hands?"

"No, just me."

Cam took the hand and ran down to the lake. "Oh my God, Mike!" he screamed when he saw me laying lifeless halfway submerged in the lake, blood trailing from my body up to the hill before disappearing.

Thirsty Has the Best Words

Hi and Lois

Thirsty doesn't strike me as a political person. Clearly he has latched on to what Trump is saying because it's simple, easy-to-blurt-out phrases. Also, Thirsty would never vote for a woman. He lives with a woman and he's not a fan. Why would he want one with power over the military?

Mary Worth

I can't wait to find out Tommy's deal. Does he have violent anger issues and tosses his mom around the room when mad? Was he an up-and-coming whatever until an injury ruined him and got him addicted to painkillers? Was he in a prison gang as indicated by his tattoo? Or is he just a young man who files frivolous lawsuits against random people? "I never would've hurt my back if Mr. Allora had just come when asked. Ms. Worth should have tried to bring him here faster. Money, please."

Crankshaft

Good news, everyone. In celebration of the United States' 240th birthday, we're getting a special storyline where Crankshaft goes to the bank to get his pennies cashed in. I'm sure we're in for a wild ride of the teller not wanting to touch the sock, days of counting the pennies, and Ed being upset when he doesn't have as many pennies as he thought.

Getaway Car. I Thought It Was a Stolen Car

Slylock Fox and Comics For Kids

No one I know, including me, knows what their license plate number is. Maybe some have memorized it, sure. I memorized a couple because they were fairly easy but do you honestly think that someone who has stolen a car would memorize a license plate. Even if he did, why would they go out if the car's on fire? It's not their car, who cares? My argument still stands. What criminal would memorize their license plate?

Hi and Lois

How long have those fireworks been there? You're not supposed to shoot off old fireworks. Not that it stops people from doing it. Just thought I would point it out. Now douse those things in water and get in the car, Hi.

And now, to end on something funny.

Sally Forth

At Least Talk To the Manager First

Mark Trail

"I'm sorry that I can't look any sadder than this. Let me sex you up to make up for it. I'm sure nothing bad will happen with that bite. Nothing bad ever happens on a deserted island"

Mallard Fillmore

Usually I just ignore the ignorance that Mallard spouts everyday but this one intriqued me so I looked it up. Wayne State is, indeed, dropping math from its graduation requirements--unless their major requires it. Basically it will be up to the individual departments to decide if math is needed to graduate. The reason is because the current standards are equal to what you already learn in high school. New standards are currently being written and will be implemented in the Fall of 2018. As for the "Diversity" replacement, only right-leaning websites are saying that "Diversity" is replacing math but the new standards may include a diversity class requirement starting in 2018. I find it bothersome that Mallard will insult and belittle a respected university over something that could have been explained by doing a simple Google search.

Popeye

I love Pappy, the ol' drunk sonuvabitch.

Five bucks says he's actually doing real business and not, as has been suggested, whoring it up.

Shoe

And speaking of "whoring it up", the creators of Shoe want you to picture the Perfessor and his girl having sex and having it be so bad, the creates a Yelp! page about him.

Tauy Creek Digest #1: The Crate

The doorbell rang. A constant ring-a-ding-a-ding like when a child is ringing it. It took awhile for me to wake up and figure out what was going on. I got out of bed, throwing on clothes, and angrily stomped down the stairs. Who was ringing the doorbell? I don't even have a doorbell. The sun has also barely cracked the horizon so it's way too early for someone to be visiting. I don't even have any friends. I look out the window in the door, pulling back the curtain. No one was there. I glanced down and saw the edge of a box. A delivery? Who's delivering packages before daybreak?

I opened the door and the screen door and knelt down to look at the decent sized box. It was more of a crate than a box, really. I pulled the box in and closed the doors. There was no markings on it. No addresses, no stamps from the post office, or mailing labels from the UPS or FedEx, nothing. But something was inside. I could hear it moving and scratching on the wood. How was I supposed to open this? What was it?

I gruffly sighed and went to get a screwdriver and hammer. I began hammering the screwdriver into the crate where it was nailed shut and prying the nails out and the lid off. I was finally able to get the lid off and when the heavy wood thudded against the floor, I saw what was inside.

Inside the crate, filled with hay, were two dinosaurs. Juvenile ones, obviously. One looked like a young brontosaurus but it was probably an Apatosaurus. The other was a small, winged dinosaur who was chirping at me. I noticed that they both had collars on. The collars had what species they were--the lizard-looking dinosaur was, indeed, an Apatosaurus. The winged one was a Zephyrosaurus. I lifted them both out of the crate and placed them on the floor. I looked back in the crate for any thing that would tell what I was supposed to do with these things, how to take care of them, or who sent them.

Under all the hay was a booklet and a note. 'Dear Sir, enclosed in this crate, if you haven't already noticed, are two long-extinct dinosaurs. The one in the blue collar is an Apatosaurus and the one in the red collar is a Zephyrosaurus. Their genus are on the tag on the collar. Genetically created to grow no bigger than these sizes, these are an effort to bring back extinct creatures and help ensure their survival by making them domesticated. I've done this with numerous extinct animals and sent the results to trustworthy recipients. I did this in hopes of being able to save our own species when the time comes--and it will be here quicker than we think. An owner's manual is enclosed on how to care for your new friends. If, for any reason, you do not wish to care for these animals, please pack them back up, seal the crate, and return them to your doorstep after midnight tonight and they will be picked back up. Your friend, Dr. Tiberius Matlock.'

Pet dinosaurs? Created to help save humanity? This was a lot to take in before the sun has barely shown its face. The Zephyrosaurus began flying around the room--it was so majestic but I figured that I would have to buy a large cage for it. Lord only knew how much that Apatosaurus ate. How would I handle them going to the bathroom? I pulled out the manual, a small book, like a mass-market paperback, but with nearly one hundred pages. I flipped through it, scanning the pictures and instructions for care. It was pretty in depth and, of course, overwhelming.

The Apatosaurus made some sort of noise, almost like a cat purring and butted me with his nose. I reached over and patted his head. It was like touching the skin of a lizard. A lizard the size of a large dog. The Zephyrosaurus landed on the top of a bookcase and looked out over its new home. I looked in the manual about food. 'Herbivore. Swallowed stones to help digest food. Did not chew. Zephyrosaurus, also herbivore.' I thought about how much my salad purchasing was going to skyrocket. I got up and grabbed the one bag of salad I had in the refrigerator and dumped it into a bowl. The Apatosaurus sniffed it then reluctantly started eating while the Zephyrosaurus preened itself.

Doomed! DOOOOOOOOMED!!

The Amazing Spider-Man

Yes, I think the dance that Dr. Strange has just made up is fascinating but, Spidey, Mary Jane, there is more important stuff happening, like, ten feet away from you.

Lola

Back in 1991 there was a song called "Feed Jake". The main point I ever got from the song was the guy asking that if he "should die before [he] wakes/Feed Jake". The song was performed by a band called Pirates of the Mississippi who I had never heard of despite that Jake song being one of my favorites back when I liked country music. Doing more research I learned that the music video was very progressive for its time and that some people interpreted the song as depicting two gay men. Check it out for yourself: