Saturday, November 26, 2016
Tauy Creek Digest #29: Murder Or Suicide
"What?" Chris asked, about to put food in his mouth.
"Would you rather kill someone or kill yourself? Simple question."
"Why are you asking? Have you seen the future?"
"I'm just wondering," Eric shrugged.
Chris took a couple more bites of his food. "Kill someone, I guess."
"Ooh, harsh," Eric said. "Why would you kill somebody?"
"I don't know. My choices were kill somebody or kill myself. I was answering your question."
"Why did you choose kill somebody?"
"Well, I'm not going to kill myself. What reason would I have to kill myself anyway?"
"What reason would you have to kill somebody?"
"At least while I'm in jail, I'll be alive. Plus, there's the chance I'd be released sooner or later."
"No, it was be in jail forever. No parole."
"What? It's my first murder? It's my first crime of any type. I seriously wouldn't be given just 25 years or something? I've seen murderers on 'Law & Order' get twelve years."
"This isn't a TV show. You're going away for a long time."
"No, I don't think I will. I will be back out on the street in 12 to 25 years."
"I will go to your parole hearing and testify against you."
"Hard to testify against me when you're the one I killed."
Eric gasped. "How dare you. Why did you kill me?"
Chris shrugged. "I don't know. Got in my way."
"So you'd rather kill somebody than kill yourself?"
"Yes, because I don't have a reason to kill myself."
"You don't have a reason to kill anybody either."
"It was just a question," Chris sighed. "I don't want to be dead so I chose the option where I stay alive and can still have a life."
"But you're in jail forever."
"No, I'm not. I'm not in jail forever. But I would be dead forever. That's why I chose to kill somebody," they continued eating, each taking a couple of bites. "What would you choose?"
"Kill myself. It's not my place to take someone else's life away from them."
"Are you just choosing kill yourself because I chose kill somebody? Are you trying to be the better person?"
"What? No, of course not."
"Mm-hmm," Chris glared at Eric and they went back to eating. "Why did you ask me this anyway?"
"I was thinking about it last night while trying to go to sleep."
"Mm," Chris grunted and went back to eating. "I'm still going with kill somebody. I don't care what the question says, I won't be in jail forever. Twenty-five years at most and then I'm free to go."
"You'd still be in jail for twenty-five years and highly unmarketable when you get out. Not to mention, you'd be a murderer. Who'd hire a murderer?"
"I'd hire a murderer. They paid their debt to society and they deserve a second chance. Now, if they murder again then they don't deserve a third chance."
"So someone kills someone else, you give them a pass?"
"I didn't say that. I said they can pay their debt to society and then be given a second chance."
"'Please, Mr. Murderer, promise us that you won't murder again,'" Eric clasped his hands and spoke in a baby voice.
"Yes, that's exactly how that would work," Chris sighed and rolled his eyes. "Maybe we could also make them sign a murder abstinence agreement."
"Please submit your resume with a cover letter, employment history, and murder abstinence agreement," Eric chuckled.
"This is a stupid conversation," Chris said, putting his fork down. "How the hell did this start?"
"I asked you whether you would rather kill somebody or kill yourself."
"Why do we always have the stupidest conversations when we have lunch together?" Chris asked. "We never have any conversations that make us think, it's always stupid, pointless things that have no relevance in anyone's life."
Eric continued eating but Chris was mostly done with his food. They sat in silence, seemingly in agreement with Chris' opinion. A waitress came by and refilled their drinks. Eric finished his food and sat back in the booth.
"The Jetsons are the best looking animated family," Eric said.
Chris looked at Eric. "Oh my God. You're right. How is that possible?"
"I know, right? It boggles the mind."