Sunday, February 06, 2022

Was It Uphill Both Ways?

Billy Bob

The train pulled into the station and came to a loud, clattering stop. A man in all black and a poncho stepped off the train. A few people who were milling about the station looked over but went right back to what they were doing. "Hey, ol' timer," the man called out, a slow drawl coming from his mouth. "Is there a place to get a drink in this town?"

"Sure. Just down Main Street. Right between the sheriff's office and undertakers," the old man said.

"Thank you kindly," the man drawled, tipping his hat. The man made his way around the depot and walked down Main Street. The saloon was easy to spot as it was the only thing in town that actually had people using it. A bullet barely missed him and struck the dirt in front of him. The man quickly turned, pulled out his gun, and shot at a man peering from behind a building. The man who shot first fell to the ground, not moving.

"Dang. That was Slippery Pete. He's a member of Evil Eb's Hole In the Head Gang. Evil Eb's not gonna like you killing his posse," the old timer said.

"He shouldn't have shot first. Or at least, shouldn't have missed."

The man entered the saloon and took up a seat at the bar. "What'll ya have?" the bartender asked.

"Whisky," the man said. The bartender slid a glass of whisky to the man. The man barely caught the glass before it fell off the bar. The man then sat silently as he nursed the whisky.

"If you're looking for a bit more entertainment, there are a couple of rooms upstairs if you have the money," the bartender winked.

"I don't reckon," the man said.

"Which one of you killed Slippery Pete?" a voice boomed from the doorway. Everyone turned to look at where the voice came from. Except for the man. Most everyone pointed at the man at the bar.

"You killed Slippery Pete?" the voice boomed again.

"I guess," the man shrugged.

"You guess? Well, did ya or didn't ya?"

"I guess I did. He shot first. He missed. I didn't," the man took a swig of whisky.

The man that came into the saloon reached for a gun. "Well, I won't miss," but before he could move anymore, the man shot first getting the bigger man right in the stomach. He collapsed onto the floor and the man went back to his whisky.

"Now he's killed Mountain Man Melvin," a saloon patron said. "He's wiping out Evil Eb's posse left and right. Evil Eb ain't gonna like that."

"If Evil Eb wants to talk, Evil Eb knows where I am," the man sighed, finishing his whisky. "Maybe I will take a gander upstairs," he said and slowly stood up.

When the man found himself back on Main Street, he seemed to move slower but with more precision. "Step right up, sir! Step right up!" someone called from across the street.

"You talkin' to me?" the man asked.

"Yes, you, sir. Step right up for this rare and limited time offer!"

The man strolled up to the gentleman. They were in front of a general store. "What are you offerin'?"

"One exclusive, one-of-a-kind baked bean!" the shopkeep exclaimed. "Collect all 500."

"A baked bean? How is that one-of-a-kind?" the man asked.

"You try selling these boring things. I have a family to think about," the shopkeep sighed.

An unseen presence ran into the man, knocking him to the ground. He slowly got up and looked around. He was then struck against the jaw with a fist but no one was there. "What's going on?"

"It's Quick Quint. Another one of Evil Eb's posse!" the shopkeep shouted.

The man reached for his gun and followed Quick Quint around the town. Quick Quint was across the street one second and then down the street the next then on the roof of a building the next. The man focused on one part of the street and waited for Quick Quint to appear and when he did, fired.

Quick Quint went down with a disgusting groan.

"Evil Eb is on his way to town to deal with you," someone came up to the man. "He's red hot and fixin' to pop."

The man said and did nothing.

"Hey, you got the time?" a man came up to another man dressed in black.

The man in black turned slowly and looked at the other man. His eyes narrowed and he sized up the man. He pulled a pocket watch, attached to a chain, out of his pocket. He opened the cover but continued to eye the man. He suddenly turned back away, closed his watch and put it back in his pocket. "No."

A couple miles outside the town, Evil Eb was approaching as fast as he could on horseback. His long hair was wild in the wind. He was dressed all in black and had a mean look on his face. Evil Eb and his posse was the meanest and deadliest in this part of the west and someone just took down his posse without even blinking an eye.

It wasn't someone. Evil Eb knew who it was. Billy Bob. Billy Bob had been after him for years. Maybe he shouldn't have killed his family but they got in Evil Eb's way. Billy Bob was getting his revenge and Evil Eb himself was next.

The man and Evil Eb stood across from each other in the middle of Main Street. "You killed my posse," Evil Eb said. "You haven't made me a happy man."

"They started it," the man drawled, reaching for his gun but not touching it.

"Ten paces and then draw, Billy Bob," Evil Eb said.

They turned their backs to each other and began walking, ten paces, away from each other. When they hit ten, both grabbed their guns, turned around quickly, and fired. Eb's bullet zipped right by the man's ear. The man's bullet hit Evil Eb's hat.

"You win, Billy Bob. Finish me off," Eb said.

"Who's Billy Bob?" the man said.

"You are."

"My name's not Billy Bob."

"You're not Billy Bob? Are ya gonna finish me off?"

"Not if I don't have to. Want to get some whisky?"

"Sure," Evil Eb said.

The two of them headed for the saloon. "If you got the money, the saloon has a couple of rooms you might be interested in. But she makes you take a bath if you smell too bad. Not really worth it if you ask me."

Mary Worth
Why do we have to accept Wilbur for who he is? He's a piece of shit. Why do we have to continue to coddle this man who clearly doesn't care about us and our feelings? I don't know about you but I don't need that in my life.

Hi and Lois
Is that where Lois is? Lois decided to abandon her family and take a trip to Paris? She's the only not home yet and Trixie's acting like she's not coming home, so...

I feel the kids are only going on a field trip because Mrs. Nelson has to return some stuff to the store. "You kids look at the art while I go next door to Macy's."

panels from Hagar the Horrible
Honi is very committed to this bit. "Yes, you better get some money, Daddy. You definitely want something thicker than this between me and Lute."

The Born Loser
Yeah, we didn't give two craps about disabled and low income people back then did we? Heck, we barely care about them now. Heh, heh, heh.

You want me to explain snow days? It's based on probability of kids actually being in school. If kids can't make it to school (you may not know this but a certain percentage of kids need to be in school for it to count as a school day) then why have school? It also depends on if buses can run and the wind chill. Businesses may start to close in order to alleviate child care problems a snow day may cause because that's all schools are--just admit it--glorified day care services.

I love people in Minnesota and Alaska laughing at more southern states who take a snow day but they're like, "We don't get a snow day unless there's a foot of snow and negative double digit temperatures." Yeah, because you are legally required to have a certain amount of days in school. If Alaska or Minnesota schools closed for every inclement weather, they'd be in school year-round.

What were we talking about? Oh, yes. Just go to school, Wilberforce.

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