“At BunnyNichole1995,” she said. “Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat if you want to see more.”
“Okay,” Aaron said as he bagged up her food items. She smiled at him and left the store. Aaron got out his phone and began looking her up. He scrolled through her accounts seeing dozens, maybe hundreds, of nudes and nearly nude pictures. He stopped at a short video of her swaying and letting her breasts and stomach jiggle. He looked up, saw the store was empty and dashed into the restroom.
He calculated that it would take him only a minute and five seconds to finish. He went to work, focusing on the two and a half minute video playing. The restroom door suddenly opened--whether he forgot to lock the door or the lock was broken again he didn’t know--a woman stood there and saw Aaron, pants around his knees, holding his phone in one hand and his penis in the other. She screamed loudly and Aaron followed suit.
“So,” Dominic began the next day, “why did you feel the need to, as you were screaming at each other, to continue pleasuring yourself until you finished?”
Aaron’s head was down on the counter, resting on his arms. “Because it would’ve been awkward and uncomfortable if I hadn’t.”
“Of course,” Dominic shrugged.
“I may have to register as a sex offender.”
“Probably for the best.”
“I live right around the corner from a school,” Aaron sighed. “I’ll probably have to move.”
“Don’t do that at work then.”
“I’ll have to go door-to-door and introduce myself to other people. I hate talking to other people.”
“But you’re fine with masturbating in front of them? Let’s get that clear.”
MaryJane came into the store to get her daily 52 ounce drink. Dominic and Lauren were working the counter. MaryJane rounded the beverage area and ran into Ned.
“Excuse me,” MaryJane said.
“Excuse me. MaryJane, right?”
“You remembered,” MaryJane said.
“Well, you’re in everyday. Distracting the employees. We need to create a reward program for you,” Ned said. “Have a good day, MaryJane.”
“Thanks. You, too...Ned.” Ned went into the office and closed the door. MaryJane grabbed a candy bar and went up to the counter. “Hey guys. How are you today?”
“You and Ned slept together,” Dominic said.
“What?”
“You and Ned. You did it.”
“You know I have a strict policy of not sleeping with anyone who works at this Tank N Tummy. Present company excluded, of course.”
“Well, something is definitely off about you,” Dominic said. “You see it, too. Right, Lauren?”
Lauren looked at Dominic and MaryJane confused. “I don’t really know her.”
“What’s off about me?” MaryJane asked.
“First, you always enter saying ‘Whassup, sluts’. You always call us sluts. Second, you always say hi to us first before getting your drink,” Dominic said.
“I wish you would’ve paid this much attention to me when that guy kidnapped me.”
“You signed up for that. It was your perverted fantasy.”
“I only wanted to be kidnapped for a day. He kept me for three!”
“Pfft. You escaped.”
Ryan came into the store and walked up to the counter. “Hey, guys. How’s it going?” he took a good look at MaryJane. “MaryJane, you’re looking good today.”
“Her and Ned had sex,” Dominic said.
“No, we didn’t!”
“Oh, yeah. Now I see it.”
“No, you don’t! I’m going to work. Screw you guys,” she held up a middle finger.
She left the store. Dominic, Ryan, and Lauren went silent. Another came up to the counter with a coffee, turkey sandwich, and an egg sandwich. Dominic rang her up as Ryan went to put on an apron and returned to the front. “I miss MaryJane,” Dominic said. “Did you get a message from Gavin? He’s getting married. Wanted to know if I wanted an invite.”
“Are you going?” Ryan asked.
Dominic shrugged. “Yeah. Might as well be there for the death kneel of Gavin and mine’s friendship.”
“Luckily you weren’t really all that close to him,” Ryan said.
“That’s true.”
“Unlike us, right?”
Dominic was quiet.
“Right?”
Dominic still didn’t answer. “I need to remember to ask for the day off.”
“Why is a wedding a ‘death kneel’ for a friendship?” Lauren asked.
“Do you have any friends that are married?” Dominic asked.
“About three, I think.”
“How often do you hang out with them?”
“Maybe on someone’s birthday but I don’t...Oh my God! You’re right!”
“And it gets worse with kids. Ryan, do you remember Jason? He got his girlfriend pregnant junior year and we never saw him again?”
“It was like he fell into a black hole.”
“And Isaac. He married right out of college at 23. We’d see him on our birthdays and maybe around a holiday or two but once the kids started coming, those days vanished. I’m a big believer that children are parasites of money, health, time, and attention. The only people that want to be around people with kids are other people with kids. It’s a sick and twisted catch-22.”
“And you wonder why you’re single,” Lauren sighed. She walked away and disappeared down one of aisles.
“Good job. That probably got her hot for you,” Ryan said.
“Hey, guys?” Ned came out of the office. “Harvey wants to order employee shirts to replace the aprons. They’ll have Tank N Tummy embroidered on them. What color should I get? Red, maroon, or this ruby color?” he held up a sheet with the shirt designs.
“I can’t wear red,” Dominic said.
“Why not?” Ned asked.
“Because my eyes twitch and freak out when I’m wearing a red shirt. It’s the main reason I only wear blue or green aprons at work.”
“All right. That’s weird,” Ned said. “Ryan. Any preference?”
“I guess the maroon.”
“The maroon is the least offensive to my eyes,” Dominic said.
“I like the pink,” Lauren said.
“You would,” Dominic rolled his eyes.
“Hey, Ned, you should get whatever color short circuits Dominic’s eyes giving him a stroke,” Lauren said.
“That’s not how strokes work.”
“I will just order maroon,” Ned said loudly.
“So what did you and MaryJane do last night?” Ryan asked.
“What?”
“We know what you and MaryJane did. You can try to hide or deny it but we know it happened,” Dominic said. “Although I have to admit that you don’t have that look of regret most guys have after sleeping with her.”
“This is inappropriate, Dominic. I’m sure there’s an HR form we can fill out.”
“I’ll be good.”
“Harvey will pay for one shirt but if you want more than one then you have to pay for it.”
“Seriously? It’s like I’m in prison and you’re forcing me to buy my prison jumpsuit,” Dominic said.
Lauren pulled the plastic Tupperware out of the microwave and went back to the counter. “What’s that?” Dominic asked.
“My lunch,” she answered.
“You brought your own lunch?”
“Usually. It’s just leftover dinner. Goulash.”
“You make dinner?”
“Yeah.”
“Every night?”
“Yeah.”
“I just get something though the drive thru. Unless Ryan and I go out then I get some bar food. For lunch I usually just eat something here.”
“That’s probably why you have no money and can’t catch your breath when you stand up.”
“No, 27 years of not exerting myself is why I can’t catch my breath when I stand up.”
Lauren smiled. “You should start cooking. It’s amazing how much money you save. Also, women love a guy who can cook.” Lauren went back to eating. Dominic continued to look at her with a smile on his face until a customer came up to them.
The customer breathed in through her nose loudly. “Do you have to eat that here? I have a sensitive nose.”
“I’ll be in the office,” Lauren took her stuff and left.
Dominic watched Lauren walk away and disappear into the office. He turned back to the customer. “You’re banned.”
Across from the Tank N Tummy was a strip mall. As Ned left work, he pulled out from the Tank N Tummy and immediately into the strip mall parking lot. He pulled up to another car and rolled his window down. “Hey, good looking. How was your day?”
“Pretty good. Got one guy to settle and began jury selection for another case,” MaryJane said. “My place or yours?”
“Can we go to mine tonight? The whips in your bedroom kind of intimidate me.”
MaryJane laughed. “You’ll get there. Dinner?”
“Big ass burgers?”
“You read my mind.”
“I’ll see you at my place,” Ned smiled. They rolled up their windows and pulled away.
