Friday, October 4, 2019

Gyrbynerjk #4


“Are you ready, Grbixxer?” the snarling transporter asked. Grbixxer stood on the transport deck, ready to go. “I will send you to Earth, you will shape yourself into something innocent, gain the Earthling’s trust, and then rule them with an iron fist. Godspeed, Grbixxer. We await your success.”

“Thank you, sir,” Grbixxer saluted and then disappeared.

“Where on Earth did you send Grbixxer?” another snarling alien asked.

“Uh…Uh-oh.”

“What?”

“I got the coordinates wrong. He’s not going to Earth.”

“Then where is he?”

“Close to Earth. Earth’s orbit. A tiny satellite. He’ll be fine. He’ll figure something out.”


“Greetings,” Brian began. “Brian and Barry here. Today, Dr. Anderson sent us a set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ColorForms.” Brian held up the box to the camera. It was a dark box with the four turtles posing on the roof of a building.

“What’s a ColorForm?” Barry asked.

“Most people know them as a static cling. It’s basically a piece of thin plastic that can stick to slick surfaces. ColorForms is the brand name,” Brian explained. “You get a rooftop scene with the turtle blimp and about 30 character pieces. You have the four turtles, baby turtle versions of them, various villains, and random things like manhole covers, pizzas, and mutagen.”

“So what do you do with these?” Barry asked. “Seems kind of lame.”

“Well, when I owned one, I would act out scenes with them. I would do it kind of like a fighting game tournament.”

“I think you need to show us, Brian,” Barry said.

“I should?”

“Yes, you should,” Barry said.

“Okay,” Brian began arranging the static clings on the board. “’I have you turtles now,’” Brian said in a voice reminiscent of Shredder on the cartoon show. “’I have returned your brothers to their baby state and now I will do the same to you.”

Brian continued playing, having the turtle he chose, Raphael, battle the other static clings such as Baxter Stockman, Leatherface, and the Rat King—getting a turtle back after each defeat. The final battle was between Shredder and the four reunited turtles who all handled Shredder fairly quickly.

“And I guess that’s it,” Brian sighed.

“That was beautiful,” Barry cried. “Hey, Dr. Anderson, do you think you can send me a copy of that?”

Brian stood up and stretched. “You should see what I can do with refrigerator magnets,” he said.

Shortly after they left the room, a being formed in the room. Grbixxer stretched and looked around. “This isn’t Earth,” he sniffed. He tapped a button on a communicator in his ear. “Where did you send me?”

“Near Earth. Earth’s orbit. A tiny satellite. Just pilot the satellite back down to Earth,” they communicated.

Grbixxer sighed. “How do you still have a job?”

“Uncle Herrklraxton says I’m getting better.”

Grbixxer shook his head. He took a step and an alarm started going off. A light in the room started flashing as did other lights in the corridor. “Unknown passenger,” a voice announced. “Unknown passenger.”

“Unknown passenger?” Brian asked, looking at Barry.

“It’s probably your underwear again or something,” Barry replied.

Brian looked at the console. “We just came from that room. There’s nothing in there,” he said.

“Maybe the ColorForms came to life,” Barry said.

“That would be amazing. We should go check it out,” Brian tapped a few buttons on the console and the alarms shut off. Brian took a zapper off the wall and he and Barry went back to the recording studio. They stood in the doorway and looked around. “See? Nothing.”

“Not even a pair of underwear,” Barry tsked.

Brian looked down at the Ninja Turtle static clings they left on the floor. “Wait. You see anything weird about the clings? Look hard.”

Barry took a few seconds to look but didn’t see anything.

“How many turtles should there be?” Brian asked.

“Four.”

“And how many are there?”

“One, two, three…five.”

The extra turtle suddenly jumped up to attack Brian and Barry but Brian easily caught him and held him at bay.

“Awesome! One did come to life!” Barry exclaimed.

“It’s only awesome when they aren’t trying to kill us though,” Brian said. “He’s strong for a four inch piece of plastic the width of a gnat’s dick.”

“What should we do?” Barry asked.

“Grab the zapper and send this…whatever it is to kingdom come,” Brian said, still wrestling with the static cling.

Barry took the zapper away from Brian and aimed at the cling. Brian was trying to keep it as still as possible. “Grbixxer is just the first,” the static cling began yelling in a small, high-pitched voice. “There will be many more after me. You have not won, humans. This is just the first battle but we…we shall win the war.”

The zapper went off and destroyed the static cling. Grbixxer was no more. Brian looked at the singed plastic fluttering to the floor. “What was that? Girl-boxer? Gribbicker?”

“Cribbagger,” Barry said. “Someone who plays cribbage a lot? That’s what it sounded like anyway.”

“I don’t know. Cribbagger isn’t even a word,” Brian said.

“So? It’s space. Words don’t have to make sense up here.”




“We lost Grbixxer,” an alien said to the captain.

“Okay. I think I have his number here,” the captain turned and opened a file drawer.

“No, he’s dead. An Earthling killed him.”

“Oh. Well, in the grand scheme of things, Earth isn’t all that important. Uh, let his family know that he probably won’t be coming home for dinner ever again. Thank you, Minoorlax.”

“You’re welcome, Uncle.”

The alien left the captain’s quarters. “Now who still has a job, huh, Grbixxer?” the alien said and then began to cackle as he walked down the corridor.

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