Thursday, August 13, 2015

He's Just a Boy of Four, Each Day I Hate Him More...

Along with the rest of society, I hate Caillou, the whiny, self-centered, bald little 4-year-old. I used to watch Caillou with my son when he was 3 and 4 and 5 and we would watch it and make fun of Caillou. We'd joke about what a terrible little boy he is while I instill the knowledge in my son that he should never act like Caillou. I think that worked out rather well, considering. I enjoy reading about how much other parents don't like Caillou and while reading one of those parents, they pointed me to an episode called "Caillou's Hiccups" which is about Caillou having hiccups.

The episode begins with the Caillou family have a "big spaghetti dinner" with spaghetti, salad, some sort of dark colored bread with black things in it while some stereotypical Italian music plays softly in the background. The first problem Caillou has that we try to solve right off the bat is that he slurps his spaghetti.
Hey! Stir that up!
His parents ask him not to slurp but the narrator tells us that spaghetti is a hard food not to slurp. We then get some of Caillou trying to use his fork to push the spaghetti into his mouth but he winds up opting to slurp anyway. His parents laugh and say "that's okay, as long as you tried your best." Problem solved!!

Father makes a joke that Rosie, Caillou's little sister, is also trying her best--at not getting spaghetti sauce all over her napkin. That leads into a lecture about proper napkin usage but when Rosie tries to wipe her mouth, the sauce apparently doubles because sauce appears on the napkin but the sauce around her mouth doesn't change at all.
That bowl seems a bit full. Also, why does no one stir their spaghetti
to get the sauce mixed in?
The family laughs because it's always funny when your children are disgusting cretins but while he is laughing, Caillou emits a weird sound in the form of hiccup. Now, according to the theme song and the books and the TV show, Caillou is four-year-old. I find it a bit hard to believe that in four years of life, he's never had the hiccups. 75% of the babies and toddlers I'm around seem to always have the hiccups so something here just doesn't sit right with me.

While Mommy takes Rosie to get cleaned up, Caillou sticks around to help Daddy with cleaning up and the narrator notes that Caillou takes extra care not to drop stuff because of the noises he's making. But he ends up nearly dropping a cup anyway.
You had one job, Caillou!
Daddy laughs and says that Caillou has the hiccups. Worried, Caillou asks how he gets rid of them. Mommy says that they usually go away on their own so Caillou decides to wait them out.
Hmm. Caillou waiting-out-hiccups stance is similar to rich-kid-gets-
acquitted-of-rape stance.
Caillou waits approximately one second, he hiccups again and wonders why they didn't go away. I mean, he did wait after all!! Mommy tells him that he has to wait longer and to go play until they go away. So Caillou goes into the living room to build a tower out of blocks. He gets the tower just slightly taller than him when he hiccups and the tower comes crashing down. He whines that the hiccups are ruining everything. Mean ol' hiccups luring him into a false sense of security and letting his tower get as tall as him before unleashing gas-in-stomach fury. Mommy says that sometimes hiccups go away after being scared. Caillou is not on board with this but Mommy assures him that it will be a little scare. Caillou is scared but the hiccups don't go away. So Mommy and Rosie, for some reason, being wandering around the room wailing like ghosts which doesn't make Caillou scared because what part of this is scary?
I will admit that I am scared for Mommy's sanity. Wait, is that a picture of
Caillou in the background or Slender Man?
Daddy comes in bragging about being the world's foremost hiccups cure expert which I'm pretty sure is some dubious honor bestowed on him by himself and guarantees to cure Caillou's hiccups along with Rosie's club foot (don't bother looking, they never show it) and his uncle's impotence. First up, getting Caillou to drink water really fast. From a hose. It's harder than it looks.
Are we waterboarding Caillou because I can get on board with that.
When that doesn't work (because I thought drinking fast gave you hiccups), Daddy makes Caillou stand on his head.
What god awful Dad-shoes is he wearing?
The next "cure" Daddy does is hopping on one foot and rubbing the top of your head. Now he's just making stuff up. I'm starting to think these aren't cures at all and just ways to waste time so Caillou will quit thinking about his hiccups. Even though Caillou, Mommy and Rosie think Daddy's just hilarious, Caillou wants to get rid of his hiccups and hops around rubbing his head like an idiot just like his father.
This screen grab makes me want to punch something.
The hopping scares their cat away and Daddy trips and falls down. Caillou's hiccups don't go away and he starts to worry about having them forever. I mean, what kind of cruel god would allow a 4-year-old to have hiccups forever? Mommy then says that since the spaghetti gave Caillou the hiccups, she will not make spaghetti again. Caillou makes an impassioned plea that she can't stop making spaghetti because it's his favorite. And Rosie's. And Daddy's. And he is sure that spaghetti didn't give him hiccups and besides, they are gone now.

Mommy says that she probably scared him enough to make the hiccups go away. Caillou, instead, says they went away on their own. Your parents took time out from their day/afternoon/evening to help you get rid of your hiccups and you can't even mutter a simple "Thank you, Mommy" you little ingrate?
"While I will, and do, appreciate everything you have done for me, as parents,
I cannot bring myself to let you know until one of us dies thus rendering any
gratitude completely meaningless."
Then Daddy gets the hiccups but Caillou doesn't care because his are gone and that's all that matters. It's Caillou's world, we all just live in it.

Until next time, I remain...
~Brian

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