Friday, July 05, 2019

Gyrbynerjk #1

“The ship is ready,” Dr. Anderson said. “But I don’t have anyone to go up in it. Since Planet 4000 has stopped funding my projects, I have to do things in a bit…unorthodox way. Who do I get for this? Who? Who?!”

“Hey, Dr. Anderson,” Brian Gyrbynerjk came into the lab with a giant trash can on wheels. “How are you doing tonight? You’re working late.”

A light came on in Dr. Anderson’s brain. “Why, yes, yes, I am, Brian. I’m good. How are you doing?”

“Can’t complain,” Brian smiled, picking up a trash can and dumping the contents into the bigger trash can.

“Well, that’s good. Uh, you know, there’s another trash can inside the ship and I think it’s getting pretty full,” Dr. Anderson said, tapping the tips of his fingers together.

“Thanks,” Brian said. Brian went into the ship. Dr. Anderson quickly slammed the door shut, went over to the control panel and pulled the launch lever.

The ship rumbled to life and slowly lifted off the ground and then blasted off into the sky. The ship broke through the atmosphere and came to rest in Earth’s orbit with the rest of the space junk.

“What’s going on?” Brian exclaimed.

“You’re part of my next project,” Dr. Anderson began. “I need money to pay for my evil experiments and you’re going to help me.”


“I’m going to send you stuff and you are going to review it,” Dr. Anderson continued. “I’ll record you and upload your review to YouTube, get a bunch of views from loser desperate for nostalgia and make millions.”

“Then you do it. Why do you need me?”

“I don’t have time to do that. I’m an idea guy. I have evil to do!” Dr. Anderson shouted. “But you won’t be alone. You will have Barry at your side at all times.”


“I’m Barry,” a robot suddenly appeared next to Brian.

“Bwaah!” Brian jumped back.

“Barry will make sure you stay on task. If you need some motivation to do what I order you to do then he’s going to give you a little poke. Go ahead, Barry, show Brian your stabbing knife.”

Barry pulled a knife out from behind its back. Barry thrusted it a couple times at Brian. “Don’t worry. I’m mostly harmless.”

“Well, I’ll give it a try but I don’t know if I’ll be any good at it.”

“If you’re not, I’ll just find some other idiot, turn off your food and oxygen supply, killing you slowly, and send the new idiot up there. Now, for your first episode, I have something easy for you. The 1985 classic Nintendo Entertainment System video game, Super Mario Bros.”

“I love that game,” Brian said. He turned to Barry. “You know, that’s just about the only video game that I can beat.”

“That’s sad,” Barry said.

“The game is in the delivery chamber next to the door and the Nintendo is in the other room,” Dr. Anderson said.

Brian went over to the chamber and took the game cartridge out and went into the next room with Barry following closely behind. He put the game into the Nintendo, turned on the TV and turned on the game. He pressed start to begin the game. “Do-do do, do-do do do,” he hummed as the game began with the familiar image of Mario standing on the vast plain of the Mushroom Kingdom with trees and hills in the background. “Everyone knows this game. It’s classic and is one of the best games to introduce someone into video games. The controls are great and considering that since this game was packaged with the Nintendo Entertainment System it’s hard to imagine why so many other games’ controls were so bad.”

“What’s the goal in the game?” Barry asked.

“The goal is to get to the end of the stage and rescue the Princess who has been kidnapped by King Koopa, or Bowser as he was later called. Give me a couple minutes and I’ll get to end of the world.”

After a few minutes, Brian arrived at the end of World 1-4, approached the bridge over the lava and ran underneath Bowser, grabbing the key and destroying the bridge. Mario crossed into the other room. A mushroom boy was standing in the room. ‘Thank you, Mario. But our princess is in another castle.’

“Another castle? What the hell?” Barry complained.

“Yeah, and you will see that screen a lot,” Brian said. “It’s at the end of every world but the last one. It’s to show players that these aren’t your old video games that are over in a matter of minutes but epic games that could last a couple hours.”

“World 5 is my favorite. I like how everything looks like it has snow on it,” Brian commented as he continued playing. A few minutes later he was in World 6. “I like World 6 a lot, too. I’ll explain more when I get there,” he said.

“You’re pretty good at this game,” Barry said.

“Like I said, it’s just about the only one I can beat. It’s pretty easy compared to other games but it’s Mario—good games that offer a fair chance that are hard enough to keep you playing but not so hard that you quit.” He played a few more minutes and got to World 6-3. It was in gray scale while every other level had been in color. Only Mario had any color to him. “I love this. I love how everything is gray. I’ve never figured out why. Is it to throw you off? Disorient you? Was it a mistake? It’s corrected in other formats. Or just an odd choice from whoever programmed this stage?” Brian questioned.

“Do you need some time alone with World 6-3?” Barry asked.

“No, I’m good.” Brian paused for a bit. “Maybe later,” he shrugged.

Another half an hour and Brian finally beat the game. He avoided the real Bowser who was not only shooting fire but tossing hammers as well. The Princess thanked Mario and encouraged him to try a harder quest. “The enemies move faster and the goombas are replaced with buzzy beetles,” Brian explained. “All-in-all, still one of the best games ever made and it set the standard for every video game after it. I give it six out of six Brians. What do you think, Dr. Anderson?”

“I think this will have two thousand views by the end of the week, Brian. I’ll see you later. Dr. Anderson, out.”

Brian turned to Barry. “Do you want to play two players?” he asked.


“Okay. I get to be Luigi. You can be Mario.”

“You don’t want to be the character the game is named for?”

“No. I’ve never understood that. Luigi is so much cooler.”