1.
Aaron was mopping the floor of the Tank N Tummy when MaryJane came in. She was a fairly tall girl with long brown hair and sleepy hazel eyes. She had a kind of pointed nose and was dressed in a lavender-ish pantsuit.
“Hey, guys,” she greeted then slipped a little on the wet floor. “Whoa! You should put up the wet floor sign. Someone’s gonna fall and sue you.”
“I’ll put it up,” Aaron said.
“I told him,” Ryan shook his head.
“Aaron likes to break the rules,” Dominic joked.
“This is Aaron?” MaryJane went ecstatic and eyed Aaron up and down. “Yeah. I’d do that,” she smirked.
“The floor is wet and I clearly have a mop. People can figure out that the floor is slick without a sign,” Aaron argued. “I’ll put it up when I’m done.”
“What are you doing here, MJ?” Dominic asked.
“Ugh. They had me working in the law library. Nobody comes down so I’m taking an extra long lunch to gaze at eye candy.”
“What’s on the menu for today?” Ryan asked.
“Girls in chokers, skinny Latino guys.”
Dominic nodded in appreciation.
The door opened and a guy came in. “Hey, Joey,” Dominic, Ryan, and MaryJane said in unison.
“Hey,” he muttered. “Joey grabbed some candy and chips and then grabbed a fountain drink. As Joey walked to the counter, his foot hit a wet spot and went out from under him. He landed hard on his back, tossing the candy across the floor and spilling his drink.
“Now I have to mop again,” Aaron said.
“Told you, you should’ve put the sign up,” MaryJane shook her head.
“Having the sign wouldn’t have made Joey less likely to slip and fall,” Aaron argued.
“Now Joey’s going to sue you,” Ryan said.
“No he won’t,” Aaron rolled his eyes.
“I would. I would never just let hundreds of thousands of dollars just sit on the table like that,” Dominic said.
“Stop…” Aaron sighed.
“Yeah. I’m going to sue,” Joey announced.
“Stop…”
“I know the perfect lawyer to represent you, too,” MaryJane said.
“Ryan and I will be witnesses,” Dominic offered.
“Why are you helping him do this?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll be your lawyer,” MaryJane put her arm around Aaron’s shoulders. “It’ll be great practice.”
“Practice?”
Weeks later, the five of them met in court. “I hate all of you,” Aaron said.
“Please refrain from talking to the prosecution, Mr...Aaron,” MaryJane gave a thumbs-up and wink to Joey’s lawyer, who nodded in approval.
“Why are you even taking this case? Isn’t this kind of beneath a lawyer of your stature?” Aaron asked.
“I would never just let hundreds of thousands of dollars just sit on the table like that,” the lawyer said.
“Man after my own heart,” Dominic said.
“All rise,” the bailiff announced. “The Honorable Harold T. Stone, presiding.”
“Where have I heard that name before?” Dominic asked himself.
“Please be seated,” Judge Stone said. “So Mr...Joey slipped and fell at a Tank N Tummy convenience store that was being mopped by Mr...Aaron who refused to put the wet floor sign. Mr. Aaron, why didn’t you just put the sign up?”
“It wouldn’t have stopped him from slipping and falling. He could see the floor was wet but chose to walk normally anyway,” Aaron explained. “Joey’s kind of an idiot.”
“Objection!” Joey’s lawyer stood up.
“Sustained. Ms. Brun, instruct your client not the insult the prosecution.”
“Yes, sir,” she slapped Aaron’s hand.
“Mr. Joey,” Judge Stone began but then seemed to change his mind. “Counsel, please approach the bench. Why don’t your clients have last names?”
“I honestly don’t think my client has one, Your Honor,” Joey’s lawyer admitted.
“And I’m not on a last name basis with my client,” MaryJane said.
“Go sit back down. Mr. Joey, please tell the court your account of your slip and fall.”
“It was a beautiful day that became dark and cloudy after I entered the Tank N Tummy, which has always been like a second home to me. When I came in, Aaron began sticking the mop between my feet trying to make me fall. I grabbed my purchases and just wanted to get out of there. Aaron hit my feet with the mop again and this time my feet slipped and I fell to the ground. I landed hard and although I was lucky enough not to die, there are some time that I wish I had,” Joey sniffed and covered his face with his hands. His lawyer gently hugged him and patted his shoulder.
“What?” Aaron exclaimed.
“Quiet, you monster,” MaryJane hissed at Aaron as she wiped a tear from her eye.
“MaryJane, you were there. You know that’s not what happened.”
“But his story spoke to my emotions.”
“I’m going to get the death penalty.”
Judge Stone recessed the court for a couple of hours for lunch and to make a decision. “I’ve reread the statements of Mr. Joey and Mr. Aaron and the two witness statements from Misters Hall and Conrad. My ruling is that Mr. Aaron be required to treat Mr. Joey to a...Tank N Tummy lunch some time in the near future. Also, pay for all court fees and expenses,” Judge Stone gaveled. “Court dismissed.”
“Pretty sweet deal,” MaryJane held her arm up for a high five.
“This has all been a waste of time,” Aaron said. “I didn’t need a judge to tell me to treat Joey to his daily sup at the Tank N Tummy.”
“Well, now you have a first-hand account of the American legal system.”
“That’s why we have Law & Order reruns,” Aaron said.
“Mr. Aaron, my bill,” Joey’s lawyer handed Aaron a receipt.
“Wait. Why am I getting this?”
“You have to pay all court and lawyer fees. Judge’s orders,” MaryJane said. “And here’s my bill,” she smiled, handing Aaron her own receipt.
“This is twice as much as I make in a year,” he freaked out, glancing back and forth from each bill. “I’d rather have the death penalty.”
2.
“Hey, Harvey, it’s been awhile,” Ryan welcomed.
“Hello, new guy,” Harvey said to Aaron. “Hello, idiot,” he said to Ryan. “Where is moron?”
“Dominic has off today,” Ryan answered.
Harvey grumbled something. “I’m cleaning out the back room. You never know when you will need a place to hide out or to sleep when one of your wives discovers one of your other families.”
“What?”
“Have this cleaned out by the end of the day,” Harvey instructed.
“I thought you were going to clean it out,” Ryan said.
“Why? I’m a big picture person. You are little picture--teeny-tiny picture. Cleaning out the back room is little picture work. Just throw everything out by the end of the day. I will be at the motel if you need anything. Don’t bother me.”
Ryan glanced in the room and his eyes went wide. “Uh, Harvey, can we keep whatever’s in here?”
“Sure, sure. Just don’t bother me.”
“Why would you want to keep anything in this junk room?” Aaron asked.
“Not just anything. That,” he pointed at an arcade machine collecting dust in the corner. “I loved playing that when I first started working here.”
“Polybius,” Aaron read the game marquee. “Never heard of it.”
“It’s a very rare game,” Ryan began. “Only a few were made. Last I knew, only three. This is worth a fortune. Harvey probably doesn’t know what he has here and even if he did his brain is probably riddled with syphillis. I wonder if it still works.” Ryan noticed it was still plugged in. He reached around back and flicked a switch and the game came to life.
In the middle of the screen was big yellow bubble letters that read POLYBIUS. In the top corners were the scores. Hi-Score: 535530 and Score: 000000. Underneath the logo was ‘Player 1 Start’ and then the high score again with REC next to it.
“Well, it still works.”
“I still have the high score,” Ryan gasped.
“What’s the E stand for?”
“Everett.”
Aaron held in a laugh.
“Shut up. Help me get this thing to my apartment.”
“That’ll take all day. We’re supposed to be cleaning this room out.”
“Pfft. Harvey probably won’t even remember that he asked us to do this when we see him again. Now help me.”
Aaron grabbed the side of the arcade case and began trying to shuffle it away from the wall. He gave up after a minute. “Ugh. It’s like dancing with my cousin. We need to unplug it,” he started bending down to pull out the power cord.
“Wait. Won’t unplugging it delete my high score?”
“I don’t know. I guess we’ll find out,” Aaron pulled the cord out of the wall.
“Wait!” Ryan screamed.
Dominic walked by a brick wall where two kids were standing with their heads in their hands. As he walked by, the bald kid in the baseball cap sighed loudly.
“What’s wrong, kid?” Dominic asked.
“We have a baseball game today but we need a grown-up coach or we can’t play.”
“That’s too bad. I’m not doing anything right now so I can help you. Where’s your team?”
“At the ball field. Come on,” the kid in the baseball cap led the way. The other with messy hair was dragging a blue blanket behind him. When they got to the field, the other players of the team were waiting. “Gather round everyone. We got ourselves a coach.”
The kids all clamored in agreement. Dominic looked at his team. The bald-headed kid, the kid with the blanket, three girls, a boy covered in dirt and dust, and a dog. There were also a couple other non-descript kids that Dominic felt were just as strange. “Uh, why don’t we introduce each other…?” Dominic began. “I’m Dominic Hall and I guess I’ll be your coach today.”
“Great to have you. I’m Charlie Brown. I’m the pitcher and manager. This is Linus, Lucy, Schroder, my dog Snoopy, Shermy, Pig-Pen, Frieda, and Violet,” Charlie Brown introduced, going down the line of players.
“You have a dog on your team. And apparently the inside of a used vacuum bag?”
“Snoopy is possibly the best player we have and Pig-Pen just is what he is,” Charlie Brown explained.
“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter what you look like as long as you can play. Let’s get into position and we’ll see what you can do.”
It was the weirdest sight Dominic had ever seen. Linus could catch the ball with his blanket, Pig-Pen usually lost his way in a cloud of dust, Lucy couldn’t hold onto the ball if her life depended on it, and Snoopy, definitely the best player on the team, caught the ball in his mouth.
“Charlie, this is the strangest thing. Half of you are really good but the other half is just god-awful. Do you have any secrets to motivate the more bad players? Charlie?”
Charlie Brown was silent.
“Charlie. Charlie?”
“Who are you talking to?” Charlie Brown asked.
“You.”
“Oh! You kept saying ‘Charlie’ and I was like ‘Who’s Charlie? I’m Charlie Brown.’”
Other kids and parents began arriving. “I guess we’ll just have to do the best we can,” Dominic said.
“Mr. Hall, can we forfeit?” Frieda, a red-headed, curly-haired girl who played right field came up to Dominic.
“Why?”
“I’m afraid that the sun will take the curl out of my naturally curly hair,” Frieda lightly touched her hair.
“Oh my God,” Dominic sighed, closing his eyes.
“See? The score is still there,” Aaron said after he plugged the machine back in. “It probably has a battery back-up to save some info.”
“That’s good. Let’s call Joey and have him bring over a truck and handcart,” Ryan said.
Joey arrived less than 15 minutes later. “That was fast,” Aaron said.
“I’m kind of surprised they let you leave work so early,” Ryan commented, leading Joey to the back room with the game.
“I just left. What’s the worst they can do? Fire me?”
“Yes,” Aaron answered.
“So what are you doing?”
“We’re trying to get this arcade game back to my apartment.”
“Should be pretty easy,” Joey shrugged. “Get it onto the handcart, load it into the truck and then we’re up.”
“It will not be that easy. Moving stuff like this is never just an up and out job. Mark my words. We’ll be here forever.”
About an hour later, Ryan plugged in Polybius in his apartment. The marquee lit up and Ryan’s high score flashed on the screen. Ryan started playing. It was a simple game where you are in space trying to catch indescribable things in a basket that was on a circular track.
“Well slap my face and call me Kate,” Aaron said. “I can’t believe we got that game on the handcart, in the truck, across town, and up three flights of stairs within an hour.”
“Anything is possible as long as you have friends,” Ryan said. “Now get the hell out of my apartment.”
Back at the ball field, Charlie Brown’s team was up to bat. “I can’t believe the score is 12 to 13 and our best batter is up,” Violet said.
“But Charlie Brown is on third and we have two outs,” Lucy fretted. “You don’t think Charlie Brown will try to steal home do you?”
“Not even Charlie Brown would be that stupid,” Violet said.
I wonder if I should try to steal home, Charlie Brown thought while standing on third base. I could be a hero. I could tie the game and be the hero. Here I go, Charlie Brown leaned off the base. Here I stay.
“What’s Charlie doing?” Dominic asked.
“Who?” Linus asked.
Dominic rolled his eyes. “Charlie Brown. It looks like he’s going to steal home.”
“That blockhead better not,” Frieda said.
“No, he’s seriously considering it,” Dominic stood up.
Here I go. Don’t be a coward. Just go. Zoom. Here I go, Charlie Brown thought then paused. “Here I stay…”
“Stay there,” Dominic shouted at Charlie Brown.
I just gotta go. I’m going to be the hero. Just dance around the base for a bit to confuse the pitcher and then… “Take off!”
Charlie Brown took off down the baseline, headed to home plate. “Charlie is trying to steal home,” the kids all stood and shouted. “Slide, Charlie Brown! Slide!”
Charlie Brown took a dive and a cloud of dust erupted around him. When the dust cleared, Charlie Brown was on his back. Lucy was looking down at him. “You blockhead,” she said.
“Was I out?” Charlie Brown asked.
“Out? You didn’t even get halfway home,” Lucy yelled at him.
“We lost the game because of Charlie Brown,” the other kids cried. They all walked away leaving Charlie Brown alone on the field.
“Seriously though,” Dominic looked down at Charlie Brown, “you should’ve stayed on third like I shouted to you. Blockhead.”
Night had fallen. Charlie Brown was still on his back at the baseball field. “Rats,” he said.
3.
“Dominic? Dominic Hall?” a man exclaimed.
“Maybe.”
“I’m Rex Luther, the new owner of the Tank N Tummy franchise,” the man introduced.
“Did you say Lex…?”
“No! I most certainly did not,” Rex interrupted. “I wanted to be the first to tell you good morning and to give you this fruit basket. Mr. Smith,” Rex directed a large man standing behind him to hand Dominic the basket.
“Uh, thank you…?”
“I’ll see you at work, Dominic. Although I don’t like to call it work,” Rex jogged off leaving Dominic standing in his doorway holding his fruit basket.
“What?”
“What kind of boss goes to all his employee’s houses to wish them a good morning and give them a fruit basket?” Dominic asked Ryan as they walked toward the gas station.
“An awesome boss,” Ryan said. “Look, I’m sure this Rex Luther is going to be just like every other boss in the world but any boss is better than Harvey.”
“A dust mop is better than Harvey.”
The two walked into the Tank N Tummy. “Ah, good. Just in time for our first team meeting,” Rex said.
“Team? I don’t like the sound of that word,” Dominic said. “We’re not a team. We’re coworkers.”
“You’re also a family,” Rex said.
“Nope. Don’t like that either.”
“I have an open door policy so if you have any questions, concerns, anything, just come on in. My office is your office. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to order some gas,” Rex got up and went into the back room that had been, surprisingly quick, turned into an office. “No, no, Mr. Smith. I want the same kind of gas that Hitler used,” he said as the door closed.
“Does something about Rex seem off?” Ryan asked.
“He seems like a good boss,” Aaron shrugged. “Oh, I should make sure my time off next month is still approved or if I have to re-put in for it.”
Aaron knocked on the door to Rex’s office. “Come in,” Rex said. Aaron opened the door and walked in. Rex was on the phone. “Just one minute, Aaron. Look, Madame Secretary, we had a deal and if you can’t hold your end of the bargain, then we’re going to have a completely different conversation.”
“Mr. Luther, the United States does not negotiate with terrorists,” the woman on the phone said.
“Well, you better start. Bye,” Rex hung up. “What’s up, Aaron?”
“I was wondering if my time off for next month is still approved.”
“We kept all approved time off and vacation time but if you want to make sure you’ll have to contact HR,” Rex said, turned to a massive computer console.
“Okay. Do have a name or number I could call?”
“I’m the boss, I never have to talk to HR. Part of the reason I became a boss. Mr. Smith,” Rex called.
“Yes, sir?” Mr. Smith was in a far corner with a man in an army uniform. Mr. Smith suddenly twisted the man’s arm, breaking his elbow, and then kicked him in the knee, breaking that as well.
“Can you give Aaron the number to HR?”
“Yes. From a work phone, just dial 1700 and you’ll get right there,” Mr. Smith took the man’s head and twisted it halfway around his neck, the cracks echoing in the corner.
“Thanks. Sorry to bother you,” Aaron waved and turned to leave.
“Not a problem, Aaron. Hey, what state do you hate more? Texas or Florida?”
“Florida,” Aaron immediately said.
“Thought so.”
“Dominic, I need an unbiased opinion,” Rex came out of the back room. On his way to the counter, he grabbed a road atlas out of the rack. “If I wanted to transport something in a large truck without drawing attention to it, which route would you pick?” he threw open the atlas to a road map of Washington, D.C. “The obvious route would be I-395 or I-66 but I’m almost thinking getting off the highways and using surface streets.”
“Yeah, I can see that but a giant truck that usually doesn’t go down side and residential streets would be pretty noticeable. I’m assuming you are thinking of using a semi so trust me, I notice the hell out of semis when they drive down my street.”
“I see your point,” Rex nodded.
“Look at this,” Dominic pointed at the map. “Take I-495 to Bethesda and take Maryland Route 355. That becomes Wisconsin Avenue which takes you right to Pennsylvania Avenue. People expect trucks on that road but it’s not an important trucking route.”
Rex smiled. “Yes. Yes. That’s a good idea. Dominic, when you wake up in the morning, your car will fresh and clean.”
“What?”
Dominic arrived to work the next morning. That morning’s newspaper was in a bundle next to the door. The headline read: “Luther Declares War--Florida Attacked”. Dominic cut the twine and flopped the papers onto the rack then took his place behind the counter.
“Dominic, glad you’re here,” Rex came out of the back room. “I’m afraid that I’m being ousted as CEO and owner of Tank N Tummy.”
“What? It’s only been a day.”
“I know but it’s just some trumped up bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo made up by the Securities and Exchange Commission.”
“Pfft. The government. Don’t get me started on them.”
“Tell the other employees for me, will you?”
“Yes, sir.”
The roof to the gas station opened, a man on a rope dropped into the store. A helicopter hovered overhead. “Sir, we have to get out of here right now. A Seal Team is on their way,” the man said.
Rex nodded. “Dominic,” he grabbed the rope. “It’s been a great 24 hours.” The rope was pulled up and the helicopter disappeared.
“A semi-truck drove into a crowd of people on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House before exploding killing 37. A spokesperson for renowned domestic terrorist and businessman Rex Luther, who is only known as Mr. Smith, claimed credit for the attack on behalf of Luther. Luther was also involved in the series of missile attacks that leveled half of Florida earlier this week. More on this as it develops,” the newswoman finished and turned to her co-anchor. “Dan?”
“Thank you, Harris. Would you like some cat fur in your coffee? A local businessman is opening a coffee shop overrun with felines. Is that a purr-fect business model? We’ll talk to the owner after this.”
4.
Yesterday, after work, MaryJane stopped to get a large soda from the Tank N Tummy. When she got home, there was a rolled-up flyer stuck between the door knob and the door jamb. She grabbed it and looked at it. On it was information about the Mormon search and Latter-Day Saints. Two missionaries were also pictured in their white shirts, red ties, and black pants.
“Mormons? I missed Mormons?” she angrily dropped the flyer to her side and unlocked her apartment door.
She was sitting on the couch, watching a soap opera with a hand down her pants and the other hand holding the flyer. She was staring intently at the two Mormons on it.
There was a knock on the door. MaryJane threw the pamphlet down and rushed to the door. She wiped her hand on her pants as she opened the door to reveal two Mormons standing in the hallway.
“Hello, nurse,” she said quietly.
“Hi, I’m Elder Shawn and this is Elder Dana,” the taller Mormon spoke. “Would you like to help us with a survey?”
“I’ll help you with a lot more than a survey,” MaryJane sighed and bit her lip.
“Great. It’s nice to meet you. What’s your name?”
“MaryJane. Do you want to come in? We can get a bit more comfortable on the couch,” she invited.
The Mormons seemed shocked at the instant invite. They nodded at each other and followed MaryJane in. They sat down on the couch and looked at MaryJane. “When was the last time you spoke to Jesus?”
“Seven weeks ago?” she questioned herself. “I don’t really talk to him. He’s not attractive but he’s as big as my wrist,” she cooed as she raised her left arm.
“No, no. Jesus--our Lord and Savior,” Elder Shawn said. “Have you allowed Jesus into your life?”
“That Jesus? No. But I’m willing to let anything inside me,” MaryJane said. “Anything.”
“Well, we want to talk to you about Jesus Christ,” Elder Dana began as MaryJane squeezed between them on the couch. As Elder Dana spoke, MaryJane gently rubbed the missionaries’ legs.
“You guys are so open and happy but so uptight at the same time,” MaryJane interrupted. “How can you wear those clothes all the time? It’s like a straitjacket.”
“It’s standard attire,” Elder Dana said.
“You get used to it,” Elder Shawn leaned closer to MaryJane. “It can be a bit...restrictive sometimes,” he bit his lip.
It’s happening, MaryJane’s brain screamed. “Well, feel free to get comfortable.”
“Have you heard of the Book of Mormon?” Elder Dana said as he reached into his backpack. When he looked up, he saw Elder Shawn and MaryJane kissing. “Elder Shawn,” Elder Dana chastised.
“It’s okay, Elder Dana, there’s plenty of me to go around,” MaryJane leaned back and spread her legs.
“I’m here to spread the word of the Lord, not gad around with cheap trash,” Elder Dana stood up.
“High praise,” MaryJane thanked.
“I’m leaving, Elder Shawn, are you coming with me?”
“You can see why I can’t, right?” Elder Shawn kept motioning with his hands to MaryJane.
Elder Dana sighed and rolled his eyes. “God is very disappointed with you.”
“I’ll help you move on from His disappointment,” MaryJane said, pulling Elder Shawn on top of her.
Dominic and his date drove down an empty county road. “Turn right here,” the pointed. Dominic turned. “And then another right.” He made another quick turn and drove up a washed out road that went up a slight hill. He round the curve and saw that they were on top of a hill with a cemetery.
“Uh, Sepulveda? This is the quiet and peaceful place we can be alone?”
“Yeah. What’s more quiet and peaceful than a hill covered in dead people?” Sepulveda asked. Dominic parked and she jumped out of the car.
As Dominic got out, he noticed the cemetery only had about a dozen and a half gravestones. The view was very beautiful but it was an odd place to go while out on their third date.
“So why’d you bring us here?” Dominic asked.
“This is one of my favorite places ever,” Sepulveda said. “I always bring my dates here for our first time.”
“That’s weird,” Dominic said. Sepulveda leaned up against Dominic, they fell against the car, and the two started making out. When Sepulveda pulled away, she was breathing heavily.
“I’m gonna go set up,” she patted his chest. “I’ll let you know when I’m done. Turn around. No peeking.”
Sepulveda opened the trunk and grabbed a backpack that she had brought along and went off into the cemetery. She was gone for a few minutes as Dominic faced the opposite direction. Sepulveda came back and tapped Dominic on the shoulder.
Dominic turned and saw Sepulveda dressed in a flowing nightgown. She led him to a flat gravestone that was even with the ground. Small tea candles were lit and placed about a foot away from the stone on either side. “Are you going to kill me and intermingle my blood with the candle wax?”
She laughed. “No. We’re going to make love,” she cooed. She pressed up against him and they kissed. “Like I said, all my first times have been here. Right here,” she motioned to the flat stone.
Dominic looked at the stone. He could barely read the name in the darkness. CLAUDIA RAKE. 1853-1878. There was more on it but Dominic couldn’t read it. “This is weird,” he said again. “I’m fine having sex with you back in the car in the cemetery but it seems disrespectful to do it right on top of a grave and on the stone.”
“You won’t even know it’s there once we get going,” Sepulveda said.
“I think I will though,” Dominic said, eyeing the stone again.
“I promise,” Sepulveda got down on her knees and began fiddling with his pants. “You’ll forget all about the stone.”
Using her feminine ways, Sepulveda got Dominic with her on the gravestone. He didn’t quite forget that the gravestone was underneath them but it wasn’t a constant thought in his mind like he thought it would be.
The next day, at the Tank N Tummy, Dominic was working the counter when MaryJane came in. “Hey, M.J., how was your evening?”
“It was great. I had sex with one of those Mormons who go door-to-door to bother you about their religion.”
“A missionary?”
“Yeah. But then he felt bad about betraying God or whatever and he started to cry and reaffirmed his commitment to his faith.”
“Ah,” Dominic nodded. “It was my third date with Sepulveda.”
“Ooh. Where’d you go?”
“Well, after dinner she took us to a cemetery where proceeded to have sex on a gravestone.”
“Weird,” she sounded disgusted. “Was it good?” intrigued.
“Yes, it was amazing,” Dominic rolled his eyes. “It was on a gravestone. It was all kinds of messed up. Apparently, she always has her first times there.”
“I took advantage of a devout religious person. That’s messed up, too,” she sighed and both were silent for a couple of seconds. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Had sex,” Dominic finished. He and MaryJane high-fived.
5.
What? Dominic replied.
She’s home sick too. She just posted a lewd on Instagram. See? Ryan sent the picture he screenshotted from Instagram and sent it to Dominic.
Oh god. If she’s sick then why is she posting while sitting on the toilet?
Still hot tho.
Dominic got a message from MaryJane. He tapped on the notification and pulled up her message. I nearly threw up from masturbating I’m so dizzy.
You have a problem.
Feel free to come over. I may be sick but I’m totally good to go.
I saw your Insta. Slut.
You’re just jealous. Get over here. One time offer.
I’m sick too. I can barely make it to the bathroom.
I feel you. Which end?
Mostly the back.
Still would. 😄
Gross.
MaryJane was then silent for half an hour. Dominic slid out of his bed and crawled along the floor to the bathroom. Along the way, he lost his pajama pants and boxers. “I guess they will just find my naked body sprawled on the bathroom floor in my own filth,” Dominic groaned to himself. He began typing something on his phone.
There’s a clear difference between poop and vital bodily organ, right?
I hope so. I’ve flushed so much down the toilet.
Ryan had just opted to move into the bathroom. He was sitting nude in the shower with the water running. The water was cold as he was burning up because of his fever. He was starting to feel better but still very dizzy. As he laid on the shower floor, he fell asleep again.
“Thanks, Chief,” a customer said as he stepped away from the counter. The next two customers did the same thing. It was weird. Chief hadn’t said one word since he came on duty but everyone was talking to him. Not full-on conversations but your normal pleasantries. Chief usually nodded in acknowledgement.
“How long have you worked here?” Aaron asked.
Chief stayed silent.
“All right. Good talk.”
When their rush of people were gone, Chief immediately went to the back and grabbed a broom. Aaron grabbed a magazine and began reading but was also glancing up at Chief still working. He was sweeping the floor and as he swept, cleaned up the items in the aisles, making sure they were neat and organized and that all the boxes were full.
After Chief had swept, he returned the broom and looked at the beverage center. He refilled the coffee pots and made sure the cappuccino machine still had powder in it. He checked the CO2 for the soda and put out fresh hot dogs and brats on the rollers. He then tossed out a couple of WET FLOOR signs and went to the back to make a fresh bucket of mop water.
“Slow down, Chief. I haven’t even started to work today and I’m already exhausted just from watching you,” Aaron joked. Chief held the mop handle and looked at Aaron. He then sloshed the mop in the water, wrung it out, and began mopping. “All right,” Aaron said.
Dominic’s phone chimed. He weakly lifted it to she could see it. I threw up on a guy while going down on him so I get 150 experience points. “Oh, MJ,” Dominic groaned. Another ding. He went to take a shower and another guy came over. 3Way!! 😍🍆💦👧🏻💦🍆 “What is wrong with her?” Dominic wearily muttered to himself. Another ding. “Leave me along, MJ,” Dominic growled. He looked at the phone screen.
It was Ryan. I think I’m feeling better. Only pooped once in the last two hours.
I still feel just as bad. And MaryJane keeps texting me about how being sick makes her horny. She’s had guys in and out all day.
In and out. I see what you did there. Think I could go over? Is there a line?
Dominic smiled. There probably is. She’s been offering herself up all day.
Eh. I’ll just stay here. I feel another poop coming on.
You spoke too soon.
Yep. Later.
Dominic weakly threw his phone and closed his eyes to go back to sleep.
MaryJane ushered the two guys out of her apartment. She was still nude and a little wobbly. She stood in the hallway of her apartment building and said good-bye to the guys. “Thanks, guys. Maybe we can do this again sometime.”
One of MaryJane’s neighbors turned the corner and quickly covered his eyes. He blushed a little.
“Oh, don’t be such a prude, Oscar. You were probably gonna see it sooner or later.”
MaryJane went back in her apartment and headed toward her bedroom. There was a knock on the front door. MaryJane paused and turned around. She opened the door and a guy was standing in the hall.
“Looks like you’re ready to go,” the man smiled, noting MaryJane’s nudity.
MaryJane smiled. “Yeah, I could go for another romp in the hay.”
“I figured you would be. Let’s go. You know how I love sloppy sevenths.”
MaryJane giggled stupidly.
Aaron and Chief clocked out and began leaving the Tank N Tummy. “It was nice working with you today, Chief,” Aaron said. “You’re not much of a talker but one hell of a worker.”
Chief said nothing as they left the store.
“See you around, Chief,” Aaron said. “Hold up, want some gum?” Aaron held up a pack of gum.
Chief looked down then took a piece. He unwrapped it and popped it in his mouth. He made a couple of chews and his eyes grew wide. “Mm. Juicy Fruit,” he said.
Aaron smiled big.
6.
“Quit thinking with your penis, MJ,” Dominic said. “It’ll be fun. And if we do this now, we’ll never have to do it ever again.”
“I don’t understand why we have to do it now,” Ryan said.
The three of them stood and watched the goings-on. They only had about 300 in their graduating class. In the ten years since then, at least two classmates had died. Neither Dominic or Ryan knew them.
“I lost my virginity to him,” MaryJane pointed at a guy across the room. “Wait. Or was it him?” she pointed at another guy.
“What are you talking about?” Ryan asked. “You lost your virginity to Trevor Scruggs in the fourth grade. You made him cry. His parents got a restraining order against you. He’s still messed up.”
“Oh, whatever,” MaryJane waved her hand. “Might as well get caught up.”
“Okay, we’ve been here for three minutes, let’s go,” Ryan said.
“Calm down,” Dominic said.
“Ryan?” a woman came up to them. “Ryan Conrad? You’re looking good.”
“Emily?” Ryan asked. “Hey, you’re looking good, too. But you always looked good.”
Emily looked away and pushed some loose hair behind her ear. Ryan and Emily dated their senior year. He’d had a crush on her since middle school and was finally able to talk her into going out with him their senior year. They started dating in September and broke up shortly before graduation because they knew their relationship wouldn’t last the summer.
“Thanks. How are you doing?” she asked.
Ryan thought about his life--being single, living alone, working at a gas station, still close to his high school friends. “I’m doing good. You?”
“I’m good as well. It’s great to see you. Come here, meet my husband,” Emily reached over and grabbed Ryan’s arm.
“You’re married” he was a little disappointed. “I should really get back to my friends.”
“Nonsense. Come on. Come meet Matt,” she began pulling him.
“MaryJane. So you decided to show,” a guy came up to MaryJane. “I figured you threw us all away like yesterday’s trash.”
“Nonsense…” she looked at the guy’s nametag “...Tyler. I loved high school. I’m still friends with Dominic and Ryan. How are you doing? You’re looking good?”
“How am I doing? Why don’t you ask how our son is doing,” Tyler said. “You know our son. The one that my parents adopted and are raising as their own. The son that I have to keep hidden as a younger brother?”
MaryJane looked at him. “So you’re good?”
“You’re a terrible whore of a person and I hope you burn in Hell,” Tyler said and stormed off.
“Whatever,” she shrugged.
“Mr. Hall,” a voice behind Dominic said. “I’m surprised to see you here considering how much you didn’t like school.”
“Ms. Patterson. How are you doing?” Dominic asked.
“Doing good. Still teaching social studies.”
“You had my favorite class,” Dominic said. “I actually liked your class.”
“I recall that you did very well in my classes,” Ms. Patterson said.
“It probably helped that I had a crush on you, Ms. Patterson.”
“Please, we’re both adults now. Call me Jenny,” she said. “So, a crush?” she leaned in close to Dominic.
“MaryJane,” a woman came up to MaryJane with a smile on her face. “Remember me?”
“Dana Walbury? How are you doing?”
“I’m good. Hey, remember in middle school when you convinced me to go to third base with you and after we did it you told everyone that I hated boys?”
“Clearly, you did. You went down on me,” MaryJane laughed.
“You tricked me. You confused me. You basically assaulted me then ruined my teenage years by lying about me. And I may be a lesbian but I wasn’t sure back then. Yes, MaryJane, I hate boys and I hate you.” Dana threw the liquid that was in her glass at MaryJane and stormed off.
MaryJane gasped a couple times, looking down at her wet clothes. “You’re welcome,” she sarcastically shouted at Dana who threw a middle finger at her.
Elsewhere in the restaurant, Ryan was sitting at a table with Emily and Matt. The three of them were seemingly getting along. “So how long did you two date?” Matt asked.
“Only about a year,” Emily answered. “Ryan was my last serious boyfriend before I met you. That’s why I thought you would be perfect for this. You two have quite a bit in common and I am comfortable physically and emotionally with both of you,” Emily explained. As she finished, she took her husband’s hand and squeezed gently. She then turned to look at him then both of them looked at Randy.
“What’s going on?” Ryan asked with a confused and suspicious smile on his face.
“I…” Emily giggled a little, embarrassed, then looked at Matt. “We were wanting to try some experimenting. With sex. And we want you to be a part of our threesome.”
Ryan froze. He stared at Emily and Matt. He stifled a laugh. “Is this some weird joke? Did I hear you right? Threesome?”
Emily and Matt nodded. “We love each other and our marriage isn’t in danger or anything,” Emily began “but Matt recently came out as bisexual and while we’ve tried toys--dildoes, strap-on--we’ve both talked about it and want to bring in an actual second man into it.”
“Emily has always respected you and based on the stories she has told, you seem like a gentle and caring person who would probably be just as apprehensive as we are about doing this. We can get to know each other and when we’re ready, just see what happens,” Matt said.
“MaryJane,” someone came up behind MaryJane as she sat at the bar.
She rolled her eyes and turned to the voice. “Jenna. Are you going wish death on me, too? Throw a drink in my face?”
“No, no. Why would I do that? You only slept with my dad and ruined my parents’ marriage. You remember that?” Jenna asked.
“Your parents’ marriage was in trouble before I got near your dad,” MaryJane took a sip of her drink. “If anything I just helped them realize it was over sooner.”
“My sister killed herself shortly after the divorce,” Jenna revealed. “I sincerely hope you burn in Hell.”
“You’re not the only one,” MaryJane took another drink. Jenna stormed off. “Jeez. Who would’ve thought that my actions would have consequences?” she asked herself.
“Hey, MaryJane,” Ryan came up to her.
“Hey, Ryan. How have I ruined your life?”
“In numerous ways. I just wanted to let you know that I am leaving with Emily and her husband Matt,” Ryan told her. “So I won’t need a ride home.”
“Emily? Your ex-girlfriend Emily? And her husband? Kinky,” MaryJane winked.
“Just...I’ll see you later.”
Dominic came back in from the parking lot. He and Ms. Patterson had finished and she was now on her way home. Dominic looked around and saw MaryJane at the bar. “I just had sex with Ms. Patterson,” he said as he sat down. “Why are you wet?”
“Got a drink thrown on me.”
“Because you’re a terrible person and screwed many people here both literally and figuratively?”
She nodded.
“Let’s get Ryan and go.”
“He already left. With Emily and her husband.”
“Emily his ex-girlfriend?”
She nodded again.
“And her husband?”
“Jealous?”
He shrugged. “You?”
“Very much so. Let’s go.”
7.
“Hey, Milkman Dan.”
“Aaron, I have a story for you,” Milkman Dan and Aaron went into the cooler behind the dairy section and Dan began to reorganize the milk crates. “I have three girlfriends, their names are Doe, Rey, and Me.”
“I see where this is going,” Aaron smiled.
“On our anniversary,” Dan continued, “each one wants to celebrate differently. Doe lets me have sex with her. Rey lets me do butt stuff. Which one gives me a blowjob?”
Aaron rolled his eyes. “Me. Me gives you a blowjob.”
“I knew you liked sucking dick,” Dan said.
“I hate you, Milkman Dan.”
Dominic and Ryan walked into the convention center. Inside they saw many people in costumes, some in some sort of comic book attire, and very few dressed like they were--in a simple t-shirt and jeans. “It’s been awhile since I’ve been to one of these,” Dominic said. “When did dressing up in costumes become popular?”
“I’m only here for the comics,” Ryan said. “And you’re here to feast your eyes on some...cow woman?”
“Her name is Momohei. Well, that’s her professional name. Her real name is Melanie and she’s not here as a cow. That’s just the picture I showed you because it’s so good. She’s dressed as some anime character today.”
“I can’t believe you’re going to pay money to get a picture of yourself with her,” Ryan chuckled.
“Eh, whatever. I’m gonna find the cosplay meet-and-greets. I’ll meet you inside in a little bit,” Dominic said and began walking down the hallway.
Ryan turned and went into the giant warehouse where the sellers were. He began walking through the crowd and peering at the boxing, clearly looking for a specific kind. At the fourth booth, Ryan went up to a couple boxes of comics and began flipping through the Ray Man books. Ryan pulled out Ray Man numbers 2, 5, 17, and 26. He thumbed a bit further and his eyes grew wide. “Whoa. The 1983 miniseries,” he pulled out the six issues. “I’ve been looking for these for years.”
“You like Ray Man?” the seller came up to Ryan.
“I’ve been collecting Ray Man stuff for years. I have a full run of his original anthology comic Thunder Comics and his first self-titled 1942 to 1956 series.”
“Wow. How’d you get those? They aren’t Superman or Batman pricey but they’ll run you a few dollars.”
“My grandpa collected them and he gave them to my dad who then gave them to me. I have almost every issue of his 1971 to 1979 series but I’m missing number 15 and numbers 87 through 95.”
“So you’re missing the end of the series. Yeah, the publisher printed very few of those issues because no one was buying it. I used to have issue 90 but someone bought it.”
“I’ve heard the last few issues are insane,” Ryan said. “Probably because they were getting canceled.”
“I’ve heard that too. Number 90 was odd. These two weird aliens were creating their own monsters by drawing them and then sending them to Earth to fight Ray Man,” the seller said.
“Isn’t issue 91 where Ray Man goes to the Seventh Dimension? I’ve heard about that plotline. The Seventh Dimension made a return in the 1989 graphic novel. It was not a great story but I’m glad it did well enough to get Ray Man another series.”
“That 1990 to 2006 series was terrible,” the seller said.
“Okay, now we have a problem,” Ryan pointed his finger at the seller.
Dominic stood in line with dozens of other people waiting to see, talk to, and get a photo with Momohei. Dominic thought that he probably looked pretty good compared to the other guys standing in line but then he reminded himself that he was still standing in line with these other guys. He kept his eyes forward and waited for the line to move enough so that he could see Momohei. He also saw a table of 8x10 prints of her in various costumes. One was of her in her cow suit. They were ten bucks apiece, fifteen if you wanted it signed.
When Dominic got close to the table, he grabbed a cow print. Momohei got done posing with another girl in cosplay. Momohei was wearing some blue armor thing from something and a blonde wig. She then had her picture taken with the next two guys in line and then it was Dominic’s turn.
“Just the print?” she asked.
Dominic had heard her speak on her social media videos but she did not sound like he imagined. Her voice had a more lilting quality to it and also an accent that he couldn’t quite place. “Signed. And a picture,” Dominic said.
“That’ll be $25, please. Name?” Momohei took the print and a marker off the table.
“Dominic,” he answered.
“All right, Dominic. Just give your phone to Emma and she’ll take the picture,” Momohei said.
Dominic unlocked his phone and opened the camera before handing his phone to Emma. He and Momohei posed as Emma took three pictures on his phone. “Look, Momo--Melanie, I just want you to know that you are one of the ones on social media that make me happy. You make me smile. It’s nice to see you having fun and entertaining others and just giving us a look inside your life. Thanks,” Dominic said after he got his phone back from Emma.
“Thank you, Dominic. That’s really nice to hear,” Momohei smiled at him.
“Thanks for the signature and pictures,” Dominic said and walked away. “I was normal, right?” he asked himself. “I was so why do I think I sounded like a complete idiot?”
“What’s wrong with the 1990 series? It was the best since the 1940s series,” Ryan said.
“It changed all his villains into a 90s caricature and focused too much on his romantic life. I stopped reading after he got married,” the seller said. “Superheroes are never as good after they get married. It’s the last good idea before stories just start becoming different variations of earlier stories and it’s not even that good of an idea.”
“That’s true for any long-running thing? How is any superhero different after they get married?”
“Like Peter Parker could get a girl like Mary Jane,” the seller scoffed.
“The reason comic book marriages work is because it shows growth for the character but also because most comic book marriages show a progression of a relationship. Peter Parker and Mary Jane are kind of confidants pushed together by their aunts, Clark Kent and Lois Lane are co-workers competing for the same stories. Cyclops has some kind of redhead and/or telepathy fetish. Not once did those series change when the characters got married,” Ryan explained.
“I suppose and they did do a good job of establishing Ray Man’s relationship with Donna so I can’t complain about that too much.”
“And if you read all the issue like I have then you realize that the 1990 series harkens back to the 1940s when Donna was portrayed almost like Ray Man’s equal. The 1970s version made her a caricature of her former self.”
“What are you two talking about?” Dominic came up to the booth.
“Did you get your picture?” Ryan asked.
Dominic held up the signed print of Momohei in the cow costume. “You tell me,” he replied. “What are you talking about?” he asked again.
“We’re talking about Ray Man and his marriage to Donna,” Ryan said.
“Ugh. I hated that. It ruined the series. I stopped reading after that and can’t believe it lasted seven more years after that happened,” Dominic shook his head.
Ryan looked at the seller who was smiled and kind of chuckling. He looked back at Dominic. “I hate you, Dominic.”
8.
“Hi, Ned, I’m Ryan.” Ryan left the office and went to the beverage area to make sure everything was filled and ready to go.
Dominic came into the Tank N Tummy and went to the back office to clock in. He waved briefly at Ryan as he walked by. Ned was still sitting at the desk as Dominic clocked in. He waved and nodded to Dominic. “Hey, I’m Ned, the new day shift manager,” he introduced.
“Hi, Ned. I’m Dominic,” Dominic left the office and went to the beverage area where Ryan was rinsing out a coffee pot in order to make more. “New day shift manager?” Dominic pointed his thumb over his shoulder.
“I know. I thought you were the day shift manager.”
“I thought you were.”
“Well, it’s one of us. Certainly not that guy.”
Ned came out of the office and walked up to Dominic and Ryan. “Hey, I just want to talk to you about this day shift manager stuff. I know it’s probably awkward since you’ve both been here so long but I’m willing to listen to you and feel free to ask me things or give advice. I’ll take all the help I can get,” Ned chuckled and turned to go back in the office.
“He seems nice,” Ryan said.
“We have to get him fired,” Dominic replied.
“Harvey doesn’t fire anyone. I’m pretty sure that guy who stole an entire tanker truck full of gas is still on the schedule.”
“We don’t have to get him fired, just demoted.”
“Let me know how that goes.”
“You never support me and my devious plans.”
“Probably because your devious plans always backfire.”
“That was only one time.”
“One time is all it takes,” Ryan exclaimed.
“Whassup, sluts?” MaryJane came into the gas station.
“We have a new day shift manager,” Dominic said.
“It’s upset the fragile balance of Dominic’s life,” Ryan said.
“We can’t all be our own bosses,” MaryJane said.
“You’re not your own boss either,” Dominic said.
“Yeah, but I don’t care. Who’s your new boss? Is Harvey still around?”
“His name is Ned. He’s in the office,” Ryan pointed.
“Ned? Who names their children Ned?”
“It’s a family name,” Ned said, coming out of the office. “It’s a variation on Edmund.
MaryJane turned to look at Ned. “Hot cha,” she breathed, enjoying the view.
“We’ve lost her,” Dominic said.
“I wanted to tell you guys that we have a new employee starting today so be more welcoming to her than you have been to me,” Ned said.
“Her?” Dominic sighed. “Isn’t this place already overloaded with estrogen?” He looked at the disapproving looks Ryan, Ned, and MaryJane were giving him. “I mean that in the most loving and affectionate way. Seriously, only four guys work here. The other eight are women.”
“Sounds like you need more shifts with Alice,” Ned said. “The new worker is named Lauren. She’ll be here at noon,” Ned turned and went back to the office.
Lauren Bell was an average sized and average looking young woman around the same age as Dominic and Ryan. She had long brown hair and thick glasses. When she came in, she glanced at the counter with Dominic and Ryan but continued to the office.
“At least he hired someone about our age,” Dominic said.
“I was thrilled when Aaron started working here,” Ryan said.
“Aaron didn’t have boobs though.”
“True.”
In the office, Lauren was sitting in a chair talking with Ned. “Dominic and Ryan seem like good people. Not to me but in general,” Ned said.
“I should be fine. Being a cashier at a convenience store isn’t my first rodeo. I should get out there. It’s not busy so it’s the perfect time to get trained,” Lauren got up and left the office. “Hey, I’m Lauren,” she said to Dominic and Ryan as she walked up to the counter, tying an apron around her.
“Ryan. Dominic,” Ryan introduced.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Lauren,” Lauren smiled which caught Dominic’s eye. There was something about her that Dominic liked.
“It’s great to have you on board, Lauren,” Dominic smiled back at her.
“That’s not what you said this morning,” Ryan said.
“People change. Opinions change. Shut up, Ryan.”
Lauren chuckled.
“So what brings you to the Tank N Tummy?” Ryan asked. “Gambling debt?”
“Rough divorce?” Dominic asked.
“Some sort of addiction?”
“Mental defect?”
“You hate yourself?”
“That’s why I’m here,” Dominic nodded.
“I just need a job. I was laid off and I’m in school so I need some kind of income,” Lauren explained.
“What are you in school for?” Ryan asked.
Dominic’s heart sank. He had wanted to go to college but had always talked himself out of it. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do even if he could go back.
“Teacher,” Lauren answered. “It’s something I’ve always wanted to be but I wasn’t able to go when I was younger.”
“Why?” Dominic forced the question.
“I just didn’t have the money and I don’t want to take out loans. I saved my money and I work as much as possible.”
“That’s smart. I’m $35,000 in debt,” Ryan said. “You can have it if you want.”
“Nah. I’m good. Thanks for the offer though.”
The gas pumps and parking lot started getting full so both Dominic and Lauren got to work at the front counter while Ryan wandered the store making sure things remained neat and in stock.
“You’re pretty fast at this,” Dominic said.
“I did work at a Target for a couple years after high school,” Lauren said. “So I can use a cash register.”
“I know it’s your first day and everything but would you like to go out sometime?”
“Yeah. That’d be great. I get off at 8:30. Can we do something after that?”
Dominic shrugged. “Sure.”
“It’ll be cool to meet the other people I might be working with.”
“Oh, so you’re thinking like a work outing,” Dominic said quietly. “Yeah. I’ll get some people together and we’ll swing by to pick you up.”
“There’s a huge spill in the beverage area,” Ryan came up to Lauren.
“And?”
“You need to mop it up.”
“Why me?”
Ryan tapped his nametag. “‘Serving our customers for 2 years,’” he read.
“I don’t know what I mean but whatever,” Lauren said and left.
“So now we all get to go on your date with her?” Ryan asked when Lauren was out of earshot.
“I guess so.”
“I guess it’s possible the work outing could end up like the last one,” Ryan said.
“Ryan, you know orgies like that never happen a second time,” Dominic shook his head.
Quincy’s was a bar and arcade on Quincy Street. Dominic and Ryan usually hung out there when they wanted a drink. It was a bar in homage to former president John Quincy Adams, which the street was also named after.
“I didn’t know this place existed,” Lauren said. “Ooh, they have the Ninja Turtle game,” she grabbed Dominic’s hand and started dragging him. “Play with me.” They began playing. After a couple minutes, Lauren said “Favorite Turtle on three. One, two, three--”
“Raphael!” they both shouted.
“He’s such an ass. I love it,” she chuckled.
Dominic looked at Lauren for a second, smiling, then turned his attention back to the game.
9.
“At BunnyNichole1995,” she said. “Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat if you want to see more.”
“Okay,” Aaron said as he bagged up her food items. She smiled at him and left the store. Aaron got out his phone and began looking her up. He scrolled through her accounts seeing dozens, maybe hundreds, of nudes and nearly nude pictures. He stopped at a short video of her swaying and letting her breasts and stomach jiggle. He looked up, saw the store was empty and dashed into the restroom.
He calculated that it would take him only a minute and five seconds to finish. He went to work, focusing on the two and a half minute video playing. The restroom door suddenly opened--whether he forgot to lock the door or the lock was broken again he didn’t know--a woman stood there and saw Aaron, pants around his knees, holding his phone in one hand and his penis in the other. She screamed loudly and Aaron followed suit.
“So,” Dominic began the next day, “why did you feel the need to, as you were screaming at each other, to continue pleasuring yourself until you finished?”
Aaron’s head was down on the counter, resting on his arms. “Because it would’ve been awkward and uncomfortable if I hadn’t.”
“Of course,” Dominic shrugged.
“I may have to register as a sex offender.”
“Probably for the best.”
“I live right around the corner from a school,” Aaron sighed. “I’ll probably have to move.”
“Don’t do that at work then.”
“I’ll have to go door-to-door and introduce myself to other people. I hate talking to other people.”
“But you’re fine with masturbating in front of them? Let’s get that clear.”
MaryJane came into the store to get her daily 52 ounce drink. Dominic and Lauren were working the counter. MaryJane rounded the beverage area and ran into Ned.
“Excuse me,” MaryJane said.
“Excuse me. MaryJane, right?”
“You remembered,” MaryJane said.
“Well, you’re in everyday. Distracting the employees. We need to create a reward program for you,” Ned said. “Have a good day, MaryJane.”
“Thanks. You, too...Ned.” Ned went into the office and closed the door. MaryJane grabbed a candy bar and went up to the counter. “Hey guys. How are you today?”
“You and Ned slept together,” Dominic said.
“What?”
“You and Ned. You did it.”
“You know I have a strict policy of not sleeping with anyone who works at this Tank N Tummy. Present company excluded, of course.”
“Well, something is definitely off about you,” Dominic said. “You see it, too. Right, Lauren?”
Lauren looked at Dominic and MaryJane confused. “I don’t really know her.”
“What’s off about me?” MaryJane asked.
“First, you always enter saying ‘Whassup, sluts’. You always call us sluts. Second, you always say hi to us first before getting your drink,” Dominic said.
“I wish you would’ve paid this much attention to me when that guy kidnapped me.”
“You signed up for that. It was your perverted fantasy.”
“I only wanted to be kidnapped for a day. He kept me for three!”
“Pfft. You escaped.”
Ryan came into the store and walked up to the counter. “Hey, guys. How’s it going?” he took a good look at MaryJane. “MaryJane, you’re looking good today.”
“Her and Ned had sex,” Dominic said.
“No, we didn’t!”
“Oh, yeah. Now I see it.”
“No, you don’t! I’m going to work. Screw you guys,” she held up a middle finger.
She left the store. Dominic, Ryan, and Lauren went silent. Another came up to the counter with a coffee, turkey sandwich, and an egg sandwich. Dominic rang her up as Ryan went to put on an apron and returned to the front. “I miss MaryJane,” Dominic said. “Did you get a message from Gavin? He’s getting married. Wanted to know if I wanted an invite.”
“Are you going?” Ryan asked.
Dominic shrugged. “Yeah. Might as well be there for the death kneel of Gavin and mine’s friendship.”
“Luckily you weren’t really all that close to him,” Ryan said.
“That’s true.”
“Unlike us, right?”
Dominic was quiet.
“Right?”
Dominic still didn’t answer. “I need to remember to ask for the day off.”
“Why is a wedding a ‘death kneel’ for a friendship?” Lauren asked.
“Do you have any friends that are married?” Dominic asked.
“About three, I think.”
“How often do you hang out with them?”
“Maybe on someone’s birthday but I don’t...Oh my God! You’re right!”
“And it gets worse with kids. Ryan, do you remember Jason? He got his girlfriend pregnant junior year and we never saw him again?”
“It was like he fell into a black hole.”
“And Isaac. He married right out of college at 23. We’d see him on our birthdays and maybe around a holiday or two but once the kids started coming, those days vanished. I’m a big believer that children are parasites of money, health, time, and attention. The only people that want to be around people with kids are other people with kids. It’s a sick and twisted catch-22.”
“And you wonder why you’re single,” Lauren sighed. She walked away and disappeared down one of aisles.
“Good job. That probably got her hot for you,” Ryan said.
“Hey, guys?” Ned came out of the office. “Harvey wants to order employee shirts to replace the aprons. They’ll have Tank N Tummy embroidered on them. What color should I get? Red, maroon, or this ruby color?” he held up a sheet with the shirt designs.
“I can’t wear red,” Dominic said.
“Why not?” Ned asked.
“Because my eyes twitch and freak out when I’m wearing a red shirt. It’s the main reason I only wear blue or green aprons at work.”
“All right. That’s weird,” Ned said. “Ryan. Any preference?”
“I guess the maroon.”
“The maroon is the least offensive to my eyes,” Dominic said.
“I like the pink,” Lauren said.
“You would,” Dominic rolled his eyes.
“Hey, Ned, you should get whatever color short circuits Dominic’s eyes giving him a stroke,” Lauren said.
“That’s not how strokes work.”
“I will just order maroon,” Ned said loudly.
“So what did you and MaryJane do last night?” Ryan asked.
“What?”
“We know what you and MaryJane did. You can try to hide or deny it but we know it happened,” Dominic said. “Although I have to admit that you don’t have that look of regret most guys have after sleeping with her.”
“This is inappropriate, Dominic. I’m sure there’s an HR form we can fill out.”
“I’ll be good.”
“Harvey will pay for one shirt but if you want more than one then you have to pay for it.”
“Seriously? It’s like I’m in prison and you’re forcing me to buy my prison jumpsuit,” Dominic said.
Lauren pulled the plastic Tupperware out of the microwave and went back to the counter. “What’s that?” Dominic asked.
“My lunch,” she answered.
“You brought your own lunch?”
“Usually. It’s just leftover dinner. Goulash.”
“You make dinner?”
“Yeah.”
“Every night?”
“Yeah.”
“I just get something though the drive thru. Unless Ryan and I go out then I get some bar food. For lunch I usually just eat something here.”
“That’s probably why you have no money and can’t catch your breath when you stand up.”
“No, 27 years of not exerting myself is why I can’t catch my breath when I stand up.”
Lauren smiled. “You should start cooking. It’s amazing how much money you save. Also, women love a guy who can cook.” Lauren went back to eating. Dominic continued to look at her with a smile on his face until a customer came up to them.
The customer breathed in through her nose loudly. “Do you have to eat that here? I have a sensitive nose.”
“I’ll be in the office,” Lauren took her stuff and left.
Dominic watched Lauren walk away and disappear into the office. He turned back to the customer. “You’re banned.”
Across from the Tank N Tummy was a strip mall. As Ned left work, he pulled out from the Tank N Tummy and immediately into the strip mall parking lot. He pulled up to another car and rolled his window down. “Hey, good looking. How was your day?”
“Pretty good. Got one guy to settle and began jury selection for another case,” MaryJane said. “My place or yours?”
“Can we go to mine tonight? The whips in your bedroom kind of intimidate me.”
MaryJane laughed. “You’ll get there. Dinner?”
“Big ass burgers?”
“You read my mind.”
“I’ll see you at my place,” Ned smiled. They rolled up their windows and pulled away.
10.
Lauren took a drag of the cigarette while looking directly at him. She then exhaled, blowing the smoke up instead of out. “No…” she replied. “Well, maybe a little.”
“You don’t strike me as someone who smokes. But on the other hand, you kind of do.”
“I want to stop but I haven’t really tried, to be honest. Someday. But we all have our vices. Like you and your coffee.”
“Yeah but coffee doesn’t slowly kill you over a long period of time so it’s not really fair to compare coffee to cigarettes.”
“It’s still an addiction. It’s still something that has a hold on you. It’s something that would be hard to quit if you had to.”
“I could quit drinking coffee. Simple,” Dominic scoffed.
“What about all caffeine? Pop, coffee, all of it?”
Dominic hesitated for a second before answering. “Yeah, I could.”
“Let’s do it then.” Lauren stubbed out her cigarette and threw it on the ground. “I’ll quit smoking and you quit caffeine.”
“Can I still drink tea?” Brewed tea has less caffeine than brewed coffee.”
“No caffeine unless it’s something that you absolutely can’t avoid. You won’t make it a day,” Lauren smirked.
“I can last longer than you. You’re the one out back here hiding your dirty little secret from the world.”
“I can’t smoke inside and doing it next to the front door is rude.”
“Hiding it from the world.”
“Fine. If I go longer without a cigarette then you give me fifty bucks.”
“And you give me fifty bucks if I go longer without caffeine.”
“Deal,” Lauren and Dominic shook hands.
“I’m totally gonna win now.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t have fifty bucks to give you.”
A little less than 12 hours ago, MaryJane and Ned were sitting in a movie theater watching the ads and previews before the lights dimmed. They were holding hands and a couple of times, she leaned over and gave Ned a peck on the cheek.
They were near the top of the theater but MaryJane clearly saw Ryan come in. He looked up and around the seats and then picked a seat near the bottom in the middle.
MaryJane ducked and hid her face. “It’s Ryan,” she said.
“So?”
“He’ll tell everyone that we were on a date.”
“Everyone already thinks we’ve slept together so what’s the big deal?” Ned asked. “Ne probably didn’t even see us.”
“He looked right at us.”
“He was looking for a seat,” Ned laughed. “Why can’t we just tell your friends about us?”
“We will. I just need time.”
“Are you embarrassed by me?” Ned asked.
“No. It’s just that Dominic and Ryan expect a certain level of whore-ishness from me and I worry they won’t respect me as much if they know I’m a one-man woman.”
“I think they’ll respect you about as much as they normally respect you,” Ned said. “You’re one of their best friends. Let’s tell them tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay…” MaryJane reluctantly agreed.
MaryJane came into the Tank N Tummy. She immediately went to the front counter where Lauren and Dominic were. “Whassup, sluts?” she greeted, like she did every morning.
“I’ll tell you ‘whassup’. Every day for the last four years you’ve come in here and asked that. If it was still between 1999 and 2002 when those commercials were still popular then it would make sense. It would still be annoying but, again, it would make sense,” Dominic ranted.
“Whaa,” MaryJane took a step back. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of a cold and lonely bed.”
“We took caffeine away from him and he’s not handling it well,” Lauren said.
“Lord. How long has he been without caffeine?”
“Thirty minutes. Roughly. He’s going through withdrawal very quickly,” Lauren said. “I’m giving up smoking.”
“You’re taking it better than he is.”
“I’m just enjoying watching him fly off the handle at every little comment or inconvenience,” Lauren chuckled. “How are you doing, MaryJane?”
“I’m good. I’m the lead attorney on this case of this corporation suing to be able to dump waste into the river.”
“What?”
“This company is suing the city so that they can throw their trash into the river and no longer have to use the city trash service,” MaryJane explained.
“What?”
“That’s what I thought just in my head because I’m a professional.”
“So they’re suing to be able to throw their trash in the river?”
“They say that since the city already does that with storm and waste water being dumped into the river, they should be able to dump their waste into the river. ‘Let our trash become Shelbyville’s problem’ as one guy put it.”
“Well, if any city deserves a river of trash, it’s Shelbyville,” Dominic said.
Ryan come into the store, grabbed an apron from the back and got behind the counter. “He---”
“Stop talking!” Dominic shrieked.
“Whoa. What’s wrong with you?”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. You know how I get sometimes. Lauren’s being a terrible bitch and keeping me from my precious caffeine!”
“I’m not keeping you from anything, you jackass.”
“I’m sorry, Lauren. You know how I get sometimes.”
“Hey, Ryan,” MaryJane slid up to him at the counter. “What’d you do last night?”
Ryan raised an eyebrow at her. “Nothing much. I went to see a movie.”
“Oh. See anything interesting?”
“I went to see the new Woody Allen film. His movies are much better if you assume all the characters and actors rape and marry their daughters as well. If they don’t want me to think that, then quit being in his movies.”
“Did you see anything else? Maybe in the actual theater?” MaryJane asked.
“No. Nothing out of the ordinary,” Ryan answered.
“Good. Good. Carry on,” MaryJane said.
“MaryJane,” Ned was standing in the doorway of his office. “What was that?”
“I was making sure Ryan didn’t see us at the movies.”
“Was that what that was? Because to me it looked like you all but revealing that we’re dating,” Ned said. “That line of questioning is going to make him suspicious.”
“Oh, come on. It’s Ryan.”
“What’s the deal with those two?” Ryan asked Dominic, pointing to MaryJane and Ned.
“They’re dating,” Dominic said.
“Yeah, I know that. I saw them at the movies last night. I’m asking about why they want their relationship to remain secret.”
“I don’t know. But you’re right. It’s stupid and annoying.”
“I never said it was…”
“You guys can quit hiding! We all know you’re dating!” Dominic shouted toward them. “There. That fixed it. I’ve never seen MaryJane’s face that shade of red before. Heh.”
The next day, Lauren walked in and saw Dominic with a cup of coffee. “So I win?” she asked.
“Yep. You win fifty bucks. I do hope you’ll continue to not smoke though,” Dominic smiled.
“I plan on it. How about instead of the fifty, you take me to dinner?” Lauren suggested. “I can get my fifty bucks in the form of food.”
“Sure. I’d love to. Let me know where.”
“I will do that.”
11.
“I’m shocked you haven’t noticed,” MaryJane grabbed and held onto what was on her breast and turned to Ned. “I have this freakishly long hair on my boob.”
“No, I haven’t noticed,” he bent down and gave the hair and her boob a good look. “That is really long. You gonna pull it out?”
“No!”
“Want to use my razor?”
“I’ve been taking care of this hair for about three months. Shampooing and conditioning it. I even bought a special shampoo for it to make it stronger. It’s like taking care of a baby.”
“Ah,” Ned looked at her hair again. “Clearly you’ve gone insane.”
“I’m not a girly-girl. I don’t really go for fancy things but I’ve really come to love this little hair. It’s like a part of me.”
“Literally,” Ned smiled.
“Do you think I could braid it or at least put a bead on it?”
“I think so. It seems long enough.”
“Do you think that’s too weird?” MaryJane asked.
“I’d be fine with it. It’s your body. You can do what you want with it.”
“There is some gel in my go-bag. Can you get it for me?”
“Sure,” Ned kissed her cheek. “Love you.” He turned around but then stopped. “Uh-oh,” he said. He turned and looked at MaryJane.
“It’s fine,” MaryJane waved him off. “I love you, too.”
“Oh,” he was relieved. “Good. Gel,” he pointed at her.
“Yes,” she laughed and began petting her breast hair.
Dominic came in about two in the afternoon. Usually he wore a cheap polo shirt to work but today he was wearing a printed shirt of something he liked. Today, it was a shirt with his favorite band on it. Ryan knew what that meant.
“Somebody got laid,” Ryan exclaimed loudly. “And one-thirteen your change, ma’am,” Ryan handed the woman her money and she pulled her six-year-old daughter away from the counter.
“I had a good evening,” Dominic said. “That’s all I’m going to say. You know I don’t like to kiss and tell.”
“So who was she?”
“This girl named Greta. We’d gone out a couple times before but this time finally took.”
“Greta? Greta Von Bargen?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“I slept with her a couple months ago,” Ryan said. A customer came up to the counter with a drink.
“And twenty dollars in gas on pump three.”
“Really?” Dominic put an apron on and his nametag.
“Yeah, she was the girl who, like, worshipped me. She loved going down on me.”
“Why is it, every time I come in here, you three are having an inappropriate conversation?” the customer complained.
“Luck?” Aaron said. “Also, I slept with her, too.”
“What?” Dominic and Ryan reacted.
The customer gave Aaron a dirty look. “This is why you are working here and not a real job,” he said. “Next time, I’m gonna report you to your manager.”
“Jokes on you, sir. I’m here because I’m too lazy to fill out another job application somewhere else,” Aaron said.
“Those things are hard,” Dominic agreed.
“So how was your date with Greta?” Ryan asked.
“Amazing. I took her out to dinner at this little bistro I’d heard a lot about and then I was going to take her to this bar and get her a little drunk but instead…”
“Do you mind if we go for a drive?” Greta asked.
“Not at all,” Dominic replied. They got in Dominic’s car and began driving. They held hands as Dominic drove a bit through town and then out of town and onto deserted country roads.
“Do you know where St. Francis Hill is?” Greta asked.
“Yeah. Is that where you want to go?” Dominic made a turn and then another and began driving up a hill that then made a sharp turn. At the turn was a burned-out shell of an old stone church. He pulled into the dirt parking lot and faced the car toward the city, the lights shining just below the hill. “I love the view from this hill. It’s a shame the church burned down.”
“Yeah,” Greta said and began undoing Dominic’s pants with her hands. She went down on him for a few minutes then threw herself back into her seat and leaned it back. Taking that as an invitation, Dominic threw himself on top of Greta. He pulled off his shirt and hers, worked his pants down around his knees as they kisses. “You know,” she began between kisses and deep breaths, “they never caught who burned the church down.”
“I know,” Dominic breathed as he pushed himself inside Greta.
“Ah, yeah,” she reacted to him. “It was me, you know,” she smiled devilishly at Dominic and then kissed him.
“Really?” he asked after the kiss.
“Oh, yeah. I love to burn things,” she cackled.
“God, it was amazing,” Dominic said to Ryan and Aaron. “How were your dates with Greta?”
“Well, she was the one who picked me up,” Ryan began. “She had this beautiful cherry red car. I was waiting out my apartment complex when she pulled up.”
“Hop in, tiger,” Greta purred as Ryan walked toward the car. They sped through town before grabbing dinner at a cajun restaurant. After eating, the two of them drove around some more. The whole time, Greta kept putting her hand down Ryan’s pants and fondling him. A police car found its way behind them, lights flashing and siren wailing.
“You got a police car behind you. I think they want you to stop,” Ryan said.
Greta began speeding up. “I can’t do that. This car is stolen,” she said.
“What?” Ryan asked.
She made a quick turn and got on the highway, the police car still following her. She was able to get the car up to about 95 miles per hour before it started shuddering and the engine light on the dashboard lit up. “This is why you don’t buy an American sports car,” Greta complained and exited the highway, the police car still following behind. Greta finally started slowing down and as she stopped, the car made a loud clunk.
The cop arrested both Greta and Ryan and she tried to make out with Ryan while they were handcuffed in the backseat of the police car while on their way to the police station. After an hour, the police let Ryan go and even gave him a ride home. Ryan was in bed when there was a knock on the door at a little after two in the morning. “Greta?” Ryan exclaimed as he opened the door.
“Oh, good, you’re still up,” she pounced on him. “The moron decided not to press charges so the cops let me go and being in jail makes me so horny.”
“I barely got any sleep that night,” Ryan said to Dominic and Aaron.
“What about you, Aaron?” Dominic asked.
“I met Greta at a bar. I was trying out a new place and she just happened to be there,” Aaron began.
Greta bent her body around the pole and slid down it in a circle, spreading her legs as she reached the stage. She then arched her back and slowly raised her head, making a licking motion with her tongue. Men hooted and hollered but she looked directly at Aaron and curled her finger a couple of times to get him to come up to her.
“In twenty minutes, meet me in the back room over there,” Greta pointed and hissed in Aaron’s ear. “I’ll give you a free sample.”
Aaron downed a couple more drinks, watched another girl dance, throwing a few bucks at her, and then snuck away to the room Greta pointed to. He walked in and saw another dancer laying on the floor.
“Oh, thank God, it’s you. Something bad happened,” Greta was crying.
“Is she dead?” Aaron asked, pointing at the dancer on the floor.
“She wanted to get me out of the way so she could blackmail you. I wouldn’t let her. We got into a fight and somehow I stabbed her,” Greta cried.
“Somehow you stabbed her?” Aaron questioned. “Well, we need to call the police. It was self-defense…” Greta fell into his arms. “I’ll help you.”
“No, you don’t understand. I’m a stripper--a whore. The police won’t listen to me. They’ll lock me up and throw away the key.”
“Then what should we do?”
“We need to get rid of the body. She’s a stripper--a whore--no one will be looking for her,” Greta said.
“I think we should just call the police,” Aaron hemmed. “Your way sounds even more suspicious and makes me an accessory to murder.”
“Please?” she cooed. She undid Aaron’s pants and kneeled down.
“Wait-wait-wait-wait,” Dominic interrupted. “Greta’s a stripper and she blew you with another dead stripper in the same room?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s hot,” Dominic said to Ryan who nodded.
“Let me finish,” Aaron said.
Aaron and Greta rolled the dead stripper--who Aaron found out was named Chloe--into a tarp that Greta happened to have in her trunk. They loaded the wrapped-up body into Aaron’s trunk and drove to the abandoned church on St. Francis Hill, Greta following behind in her car.
Greta broke into the church and had Aaron dump the body on the floor. “Thanks. Now get out,” she suddenly had a molotov cocktail in her hand and threw it against the wall, igniting the old dry wood on the eastside of the church. “Follow me home,” she said, heading back out to the cars as the church burned down.
“So I followed her home and we had sex,” Aaron shrugged.
“How cool is it that our stories are connected?” Dominic said to Aaron.
“Story brothers,” Aaron thumped his chest with his fist a couple of times.
“But it’s clear that she’s a terrible person, right?” Ryan asked.
“Oh, yeah.”
“No question.”
“We really should’ve called the police on her.”
12.
“Well, I have no money so if I can spend a couple hundred dollars and baby a crappy car for a year then that’s money well spent,” Ryan explained.
“As opposed to spending a couple thousand and babying a good car for several years?”
“It will take me years to save up a couple thousand dollars,” Ryan stopped suddenly and looked at a car. “I like this one.”
“It looks so dated. It does look nice,” Dominic agreed. “I wonder if it runs.”
“I’m gonna bid on it so I guess we’ll find out,” Ryan said.
We’re gonna start the bidding at 75 dollars,” the auctioneer said.
There seemed to be little interest but Ryan’s hand shot up. “75.”
Another person raised their hand. “Hundred.”
“One-ten,” Ryan responded.
“One twenty-five.”
“One-fifty,” Ryan countered and the other guy went quiet.
“One-fifty going once. One-fifty twice. Sold for one hundred and fifty dollars,” the auctioneer said. “Come on up, fill out the paperwork and get your key.”
“It has a key?” Ryan seemed surprised.
“Don’t they usually have keys?” Dominic asked.
“No. I usually have to pay to have a key made. 75 bucks.”
“I don’t understand you at all.”
The car started right up. “Hot damn, it doesn’t need to be towed,” Ryan exclaimed.
“What is wrong with you?” Dominic asked quietly.
“Good afternoon,” the car started talking as the dashboard lit up. “I am the Knight Industries Two Thousand but you can call me K.I.T.T.”
Ryan gasped. “It sounds like that teacher from ‘Boy Meets World’.”
“But why though?” Dominic asked. “Why does a car this old have OnStar?”
“I am not OnStar. I am the artificial intelligence to run everything. I am, how you would say, the brains of the outfit. I am essentially a supercomputer on wheels,” K.I.T.T. said.
“Then why are you in an auto junkyard?” Dominic asked.
“As I’ve gotten older, parts of me have started failing. I used to be a state-of-the-art crimefighting supercomputer but now I’m mainly just a good conversationalist,” K.I.T.T. said.
“That’s fine. I’m not big on crimefighting anyway,” Ryan said. “So you turn on, let’s see if you can drive.” He shifted K.I.T.T. into gear and began moving.
“Well, it moves. I’ll follow you home,” Dominic said as he got out of K.I.T.T.
The door closed. “Who was that?”
“My friend, Dominic.”
“He’s not a very good friend,” K.I.T.T. said. “Judging you on the kind of car you buy. Trying to embarrass you.”
“We’re friends. He was joking. That’s what friends do.”
“There’s a difference between a joke and being mean.”
“And he’s joking, K.I.T.T. Calm down.”
“Sorry, Ryan. I’m just very protective of my drivers.”
“It’s cool. You’ll grow to love Dominic.”
K.I.T.T. wasn’t so sure.
“Your new car is giving me a dirty look,” Dominic said as he walked into the Tank N Tummy.
“It’s a car. How can it give you a dirty look?”
“I don’t know but it is.”
“People always try to find faces in ordinary things,” Aaron said.
“How is your car doing?” Dominic asked. “I see it started this morning and got you to work.”
“I think it’s the best car I’ve ever gotten at a police auction.”
“We’ll have to go for a ride in it later,” Dominic said. He stepped behind the counter and logged into the cash register and began checking customers out.
“We will,” Ryan said. “I’m gonna go clean the beverage area and take out the trash.”
Ryan walked over to the beverage area and began wiping down the counters. He pulled out the trash can and lifted the bag out, tying it closed and taking it to the dumpster out back.
Dominic finished up the line of customers and went to get a drink. When he got back behind the counter with Aaron, he noticed that K.I.T.T. was now parked in front of the store and not on the side. “What the…? Why did Ryan move his car to the front?”
Aaron looked. “I don’t know. I didn’t see him do it.”
Ryan got back behind the counter.
“Did you move your car?” Dominic asked.
“I didn’t. Why?”
“Because it’s right there.”
“Huh. I didn’t move it. K.I.T.T. must’ve moved himself. He’s rather fond of me and probably just wants to keep an eye on me.”
“He’s giving me that look again,” Dominic said. “And why is no one concerned that the car moved itself?”
“It has an on-board computer and can talk. Why wouldn’t it be able to park itself?” Ryan questioned.
You seem very laissez faire about this sentient murder car.”
“It’s a car, Dominic. Sure, it’s smarter than most but it’s still just a car. What damage could it do?”
The next morning, Dominic woke up to a lump in his bed. He pulled the blanket off and saw a steering wheel. The steering wheel from his car.
“You’re late,” Ryan said when Dominic came into the store.
“I had to take the bus because someone or something decided to do this,” he held up his steering wheel.
“Is that a steering wheel?”
“It’s my steering wheel. I found it in my bed this morning.”
“And you’ve just been carrying that around?”
“It did this. I don’t know how but K.I.T.T. did it.”
“How?”
“I just said that I don’t know how. Keep it away from me. Disconnect its battery, lock it up, keep it away.”
The next morning, Dominic woke up and got out of bed to go to the bathroom but found his door locked, stuck, or blocked. “What the…?” he jiggled and pulled on the doorknob. “K.I.T.T!” Dominic screamed.
“There’s something different about you, Dominic,” Lauren said. “Is that a new shirt?”
“No,” K.I.T.T. responded. He was wearing one of Dominic’s shirts with an apron and nametag over it. “Maybe I combed my hair differently.”
“What the hell?” a voice came from the door of the store.
Both Ryan and Lauren looked confused and surprised at the person that came in. “Dominic?”
“If that’s Dominic then who…?”
“I’m confused,” Lauren breathed.
“Ryan, your car hates me.”
“It’s a car. It doesn’t have an opinion of you either way.”
“It’s a talking computer car and it locked me in my bedroom, clearly stole one of my shirts and came to work posing as me. K.I.T.T. is single white femaleing me.”
“Clearly this young man is delusional and possibly dangerous,” K.I.T.T. said. “I suggest we call authorities.”
“Oh my God. It’s a car in a shirt, guys. I expect this kind of idiocy from you, Ryan, but you, Lauren?” Dominic went behind the counter. “This is one of my favorite shirts. You’ve stretched it all out. How’d you even get in it?”
“What are you talking about? I’m Dominic Hall. My good friend Ryan will vouch for me. Won’t you, Ryan?”
“I don’t know what’s going on,” Ryan shrugged.
“See? I’m Dominic,” K.I.T.T. smiled.
“You’re a car!” Dominic screamed.
“Look. Look. Isn’t there only one Washington?” K.I.T.T. asked.
“Yeah,” Dominic replied.
“And isn’t there only one Lincoln?”
“Yeah.”
“And isn’t there only one Dominic?”
“Yeah.”
“Then that settles it. I’m Dominic.”
Dominic muttered to himself. “Get back in the damn parking lot!”
“Fine, fine.”
K.I.T.T. left the store. Dominic looked angrily back and forth between Ryan and Lauren. “What the hell was that?”
Lauren shrugged. “It was a good disguise.”
“It was a car. In a shirt.”
The three of them were silent for about a minute. Ryan leaned over to Lauren and whispered. “I liked the old Dominic more. He was nicer.”
Lauren nodded.
“I don’t even work today,” Dominic sighed. “I’m going home."
13.
“Yeah? And what would I do after I get swol?”
“You’d feel and look better. More manly. Also, women like a man who can protect them.”
“I can do that without muscles. Very few will attack someone who has soiled their pants.” The customer took the change and gave Dominic a dirty look before heading out of the store. “This job would be great if it weren’t for the customers,” Dominic sighed.
Ryan walked into the Tank N Tummy. “Sorry I’m late, I wasn’t in my own bed and I wanted a quickie before I left.”
Dominic looked at his watch. “Must not have been very quick.” He took a drink of his pop and went back to reading his magazine. Ryan sat down on the other stool behind the counter and began going through his phone.
“Hey, have you seen this?” Ryan leaned forward and showed Dominic his phone.
“Ethel Wysocki is getting married?” Dominic slowly stood and took Ryan’s phone.
“Apparently.”
“She was my first girlfriend,” Dominic said. “My first everything really.”
“Yeah, I know,” Ryan reached for his phone but Dominic pulled away.
“We made a pact that if we were 30 and single, we’d get back together,” Dominic said. “So close.”
“You seem disappointed,” Ryan reached for his phone again but Dominic got up and walked away.
“I was starting to look forward to getting back with her.”
“What would the odds be that you two would be single when you both turned 30?” Ryan followed Dominic around the store as he continued to look at the engagement announcement.
“I don’t know. It was just kind of fun to think about,” he stopped walking and smiled. “I knew it probably wouldn’t happen.”
“You should send her a congratulations or something. I’m sure her parents will you her address in California.”
“Her parents don’t like me.”
“Why not?”
“Because I deflowered and debased their daughter. Although, to be fair, a lot of what we did was her idea.”
Someone came into the store. “Do you guys sell popcorn?” he seemed panicked and in a rush.
“Yeah, this aisle,” Dominic pointed to the next aisle over from where he and Ryan were standing.
“Maybe MaryJane has her address,” Ryan said.
“Maybe…”
“This is microwavable popcorn--unpopped,” the customer said. “I want popped popcorn--the caramel, cheese, and cinnamon kind.”
“Like what they sell at the mall?” Dominic questioned, giving Ryan his phone back.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know if you noticed but this is a gas station,” Dominic went over to the aisle the customer was in.
“So you don’t have the caramel, cheese, and cinnamon popcorn?”
“No.”
“What do you recommend?”
“Well, I guess you could buy the microwave popcorn, mix in some cheese balls and melt a Caramello bar and Hot Tamale candies to pour over it.”
Ryan was stocking the candy and softly singing to himself. “Bimbo, Bimbo, what you gonna do e oh. Bimbo, Bimbo, what you gonna do e oh. Bimbo, Bimbo, does your mommy know, that you’re going down the road to see a little girly-o.”
Ryan kept softly singing as Dominic watched. “What are you singing?”
“Bimbo. It’s an old song,” Ryan said. “He’ll clap his hands and sing and dance and talk his baby talk.”
“Sounds racist.”
“It’s not racist,” Ryan defended.
“His friends are making him perform for them? I don’t know. That sounds pretty racist.”
“My mom used to sing this to me at bedtime. He’s just a little boy. They even mention his eye color. Bimbo’s got two big blue eyes that light up like a star. And the way to light them up is to buy him candy bars.”
Dominic sneered. “I don’t know. I feel like it’s still supposed to be racist but the songwriters caught themselves and changed it. Wasn’t there a black kid named Bimbo like back in the twenties or something?”
“Are you thinking about Sambo from the kid’s book Little Black Sambo?”
“Maybe…” Dominic thought. “Still sounds racist.”
“The song is about a neighborhood boy that everybody loves just hanging out with his friends, having fun, and eating candy and chewing gum. Besides the part where his friends make him sing and dance for their enjoyment, what else seems racist about it?”
“Just that one thing but that’s enough.”
Dominic and Ryan went behind the counter. “You never catch him sitting still, he’s just the roving kind. Okay, I kind of hear it now.”
“Told you. It is a catchy tune though.”
“Hey, Chief,” Ryan said as the large Native American silently came into the store. “Are you still coming over when you’re done here, Dominic?”
“Yeah, I’ll grab me some dinner and be over and we’ll show those Canadian twelve-year-olds what-for.”
Ryan chuckled. “Okay. See you in an hour or so.”
Dominic continued wiping down the beverage area. The bell over the door rang again as someone came in. “Dominic?” a girl asked.
Dominic looked up and his eyes went wide. “Ethel?”
“Do you want to grab dinner or something?” she asked.
“Sure. I have about another hour here,” Dominic answered.
“Okay. I’ll be at Pizza-A-Go-Go. I’ll see you in about an hour.”
“Okay,” Dominic had a dumb smile on his face as Ethel left the store.
14.
The customer grabbed a sandwich out of the refrigerators and got a drink. He then walked up to the counter. Ryan slid his sandwich over by the register. “That looks good,” the customer said.
“My sandwich? It is good. Turkey and pastrami with Colby Jack cheese, Miracle Whip, and a pickle slice.”
“Mm, that does sound good. How much do you want for it?” the customer asked.
“What?”
“How much do you want?”
“You want to buy my sandwich?”
“I’m paying $3.50 for this. I’ll give you $3 for yours since there’s a bite taken out of it.”
“Am I being pranked? Is this a bit?”
“Fine. $3.50.”
“I don’t care if I am on one of your stupid hidden camera shows. I’m still not watching it.”
“$4. $4 for a sandwich you can remake easily at home and have taken a bite out of.”
“Did Dominic send you in here?”
“$4.25!”
“This is my lunch. This and some potato salad.”
“$5!” the customer exclaimed. “Wait. What kind of potato salad?”
“My mom makes it. It’s an old family recipe we got from a housekeeper my family had back in the 1800s.”
“I’m going back down to $4.25.”
“I’m not giving you my lunch.”
“Your loss.”
“How is it my…? Never mind. $4.57.”
The customer handed Ryan five dollars. “You just made a huge mistake, mi friendo.”
“Par for the course then. Have a good rest of your day.”
The customer left the store with his store-bought chicken salad sandwich and drink. Ryan leaned back over the counter, slid his sandwich over to him and took another bite.
“My parents assumed I’d say yes because Jason and I had been together so long. Three years,” Ethel said. She had stayed at Dominic’s apartment but they slept separately.
“So you turned down his proposal and broke up with him,” Dominic began. “Cold-blooded.”
“It’s not my proudest moment. I still need to confront my parents as well. They wanted me to get married to Jason, start having babies, probably quit my job and just stay home with the kids like some weird 2019 June Cleaver.”
“They wanted me to contract a fatal disease.”
“Yes. They did not like you.”
“I have an idea,” Dominic beamed. “We should have sex and tell your parents that you’re pregnant with my baby.”
“That’s a terrible idea,” Ethel shook her head.
“I didn’t say it was a good idea. I said it was was an idea.”
“Besides, I’m not going to have sex with you 36 hours after I break up with my boyfriend of three years,” Ethel explained. “I need to have a mourning period.”
“Yeah, yeah. I get that,” Dominic nodded. “So, what? 48? 52 hours?”
Ethel laughed. “I’ll let you know.”
“All right. Per your suggestion, Lauren, we now have a small selection of Japanese snacks,” Ned said as he, Lauren, and Aaron stood by a small endcap display.
“Cheese drink?” Aaron asked. He picked up a bottle of a bright yellow, almost orange, liquid. “It’s tea?” he exclaimed. He put the bottle back down and saw something else. “What’s an Anus Bar?”
“It’s the future. Get used to it,” Lauren said.
Aaron looked at Lauren.
A kid came into the store wearing a red shirt and yellow shorts. He immediately ran over to the display of Japanese snacks. “Oh, boy. Action Bastard Bastard Meat,” he turned to Aaron and Lauren. He posed like a superhero holding the tube of sausage in the air. “Put your mouth on some sausage!”
The kid took the sausage to the counter. “Is that all?” Lauren asked.
“Yeah. I’m trying to get my very own Action Bastard Bastard Belt. I need to send in ten Action Bastard foil stickers from this sausage.”
“Is the sausage any good?”
“It’s smells like sweaty ass, tastes like someone puked on a pile of shit, and the green peppers are like boogers scraped off a wall,” the kid explained. “But I’d do anything for that Action Bastard Bastard Belt.”
Lauren gave the kid his change and he bounded off out the door.
“Bastard sausage?” Aaron picked up a tube. “What the hell is going on in Japan?”
“So she’s telling her parents right now that she’s choosing you?” Ryan asked.
“Yep. Breaking the bad news to them,” Dominic smiled. “I’m going over to their house at five to pick Ethel up for a date.”
“Dominic, I’m happy for you. I know how much Ethel meant to you and that you’ve always been...chasing Ethel, as it were but I hope you know that it’s not going to be the same as before,” Ryan began. “You’re both older, more experienced, and have grown since you were 18.”
“I know it won’t be the same. I’m not throwing everything in my life away though. She is. She’s going to be much more hurt if this doesn’t work out.”
“I guess I should be glad that you thought this through.”
“That’s the thing. Ethel initiated this and she would never do something like this unless she thought it through,” Dominic explained. “It’s fine. No one is going to get hurt."
Two girls came into the store. “Do you still have Mama’s list?” the one in a white cat hoodie and yellow bow asked.
The other girl, also in a white cat hoodie but with a red bow, took a piece of paper out of her pocket. “Right here,” she giggled. “Do you still have the money?”
The girl took some money out of her pocket and giggled. “Mama’s going to be so proud of us when…” she gasped and ran to the display of Japanese snacks. “It’s my favorite candy. Do you think we can get some?”
“We should stick to the list that Mama gave us, Mimmy,” red bow girl said.
“Aw, Kitty.”
“Can I help you girls with something?” Lauren asked.
“We’re buying a couple things for Mama,” Kitty said. “She forgot to get them at the store.”
“Well, what are you looking for?”
“We have a list!” Mimmy exclaimed. She then nudged her sister. “Kitty, show her the list.”
Kitty handed the list to Lauren. The read: cream, Hot Tamales, potato chips. “I think we can help you find these items.” Lauren helped Kitty and Mimmy find the cream, Hot Tamales candies, and potato chips and brought them up to the counter. “That’ll be $8.77,” Lauren said.
Mimmy handed Lauren a ten. They got their change and left the store giggling. They stopped at the door, turned and waved. “Thank you,” they said in unison and continued giggling.
“You’re welcome,” Lauren smiled.
Dominic pulled up in front of Ethel’s parent’s house. She was waiting out front and stood when he got out of the car. He had a bouquet of flowers and was dressed better than he normally dressed.
“Are you ready? Why are you out here? Did you get in a fight with with your mom and dad?”
“No. I wanted to talk to you,” Ethel began. “When I got here, Jason was here. He flew out here. He re-proposed to me and we talked for a bit and he explained how much he loves me but just wants me to be happy and I realized how happy I was...am.”
“Okay...so…”
“Then we made love…”
“Why are you telling me that?”
“...And I know it’s not something you want to hear but Jason and I are back together. I’m sorry that I put you through this. I should’ve just been happy with what I had. I know that now. I’m sorry, Dominic,” Ethel gently kissed his cheek.
“What? Nah. I’m cool. Here,” he thrusted the flowers into Ethel’s chest. “You can keep these. What else am I going to do with the sexual organs of plants?”
“Thank you. Again, I’m so sorry, Dominic,” Ethel was starting to cry.
“It’s fine. Forget it. No problem.”
Lauren and Aaron stood behind the counter. She was reading a book while he was reading a magazine. The bell from the door rang and pink-haired girl stepped in. “Prepare for trouble,” she said.
Aaron and Lauren looked up.
“Make it double,” a purple-haired boy came in the other door. They looked like twins.
“What the hell?” Aaron asked.
“To protect the world from devastation,” the girl continued.
“To unite all peoples within our nation.”
“To denounce the evils of truth and love.”
“To extend our reach to the stars above.”
“Do they do this every time they enter a building?” Lauren asked.
“Jessie!”
“James!”
“Team Rocket blasts off at the speed of light.”
“Surrender now or prepare to fight.”
A gray and brown cat ran into the store, meowing.
“I’m gonna tell Ned to get rid of the Japanese snacks,” Aaron said. “I’ll kick Jessie and James out of here, you grab the cat.”
15.
“They’re in the office with Ned and New Guy,” Lauren answered.
“Good. You’re all here. Come with me. I have task for you.”
“We aren’t going to try to smuggle something over the border again are we?” Lauren asked.
“Hey. This country was built by immigrants,” Harvey said.
“I agree but I just don’t think they should be brought here in a windowless truck through a hundred degree desert,” Lauren said. “I still have nightmares.”
“Idiot should’ve drove faster,” Harvey and Lauren went into the office. “Idiot, Moron, New Guy, my entrepreneur brother-in-law is looking at kid’s games to import. He wants me to help him test one out and since you three are the closest to children that I know, you will do it.”
“What do we have to do?” Dominic asked.
“Play with this all day and let me know what you think,” Harvey handed Dominic a small burlap toy. It was heavy and the cheap burlap made Dominic’s hand itchy.
“What is it?” Aaron asked.
“Wacky Sack,” Dominic read. “From the makers of Joey Shank and Bag O’Glass.”
“You squeeze it and it starts counting down. After a while, it goes off and whoever is holding it is the loser. Well, more of a loser,” Harvey explained.
“So it’s like a hot potato,” Ryan said.
Dominic squeezed it and the Wacky Sack started ticking and making a strange “Guh” sound. “Why does it make the same noise as Ryan during sex?”
“Ha ha. Here. Toss it,” Ryan held out his hands. Dominic threw the Wacky Sack and Ryan caught it. Ryan immediately threw it to Aaron who threw it back. Ryan then threw it back to Dominic. The three of them kept passing it to each other until it began whooping and vibrating in Aaron’s hand. For some reason it made him laugh which made the other two laugh.
“Aaron’s out,” Dominic said. “Let’s go into the store so we have more room to throw.”
“You know you are still at work,” Ned said as the three of them left the office with the Wacky Sack.
“Ned. How are the raises coming?”
“End of the day. Promise.”
“It better be done,” Harvey wagged his finger and left the office.
“Raises?” Lauren asked.
“Harvey wants me to figure out who gets a raise but he has very specific considerations,” Ned pulled a piece of paper out of his desk drawer. “See? Everyone gets a raise except Alice because she will happily work no matter what. Everyone else is graded on how much Harvey likes them, their work performance, and sales they bring in.”
“Sales? He’s seriously using customer traffic to figure out our worth?”
“He believes there should be a steady stream of people in this store all day every day. If no one is coming in at three in the morning then you need to figure out what you are doing wrong,” Ned said.
“The way that some companies treat employees should be a crime,” Lauren said. Suddenly, the Wacky Sack flew into the office and landed on Ned’s desk, knocking over his coffee. It was still making its “Guh” sound. Ryan ran in, laughing like an idiot to retrieve the Wacky Sack. As he was leaving the office, the Wacky Sack began whooping and vibrating causing Ryan to laugh harder. Lauren looked at Ned. “Although sometimes I get it.”
Ned and Lauren were still in the office working on raises and they could still hear the “Guh!” of the Wacky Sack being thrown around the store. “Can you believe they got customers to play with them?” Ned asked.
“Really?” Lauren was astonished. “How do they stay employed here?”
“I think Harvey likes them,” Ned said.
“Likes them? He doesn’t even know their names. He always calls them ‘Idiot’, ‘Moron’, and ‘New Guy’. Aaron’s been here for a year. We were hired after him,” Lauren pointed out.
“I think those are terms of endearment,” Ned shrugged.
“But their employee files are under Idiot, Moron, and New Guy,” Lauren held up the files that were on the desk.
“I still think they are terms of endearment,” Ned commented.
“Speaking of terms of endearment, how are things with MaryJane?” Lauren asked.
Ned and MaryJane’s relationship had entered its second month which was almost two months longer than anyone expected. “It’s fine,” Ned bobbed his head. “I think the honeymoon period is over. She’s thumbing through her Tinder and Grindr again.”
“MaryJane has a Grindr?” Lauren asked. “I haven’t known MaryJane for long but she never struck me as the relationship type. Even Dominic and Ryan were baffled by your relationship.”
“Gee, thanks. That’s great to hear,” Ned said, sarcastically. “No, I get it. Everyone told me and even MaryJane warned me. I figure that I might as well just enjoy what’s happening and just play it out. I do like MaryJane so it’s not like I’m unhappy.”
“Well, that’s good. I…”
A loud crash occurred in the store. Ned and Lauren jumped up and ran out of the office. Shelves had been knocked over after a customer jumped to catch the Wacky Sack. Dominic and Ryan helped the man up. “Are you okay?” Dominic asked.
“Yeah, I’m good. That was awesome,” the man exclaimed. “Sorry about your aisle.”
“No problem,” Ryan waved it off. The Wacky Sack then went off and everyone playing--Dominic, Ryan, and Aaron, and four customers--laughed hysterically. “Alright, next game.”
“Wait. You can’t play that in here anymore. It’s distracting and now it’s causing things to break,” Ned said. “You can’t play with the Wacky Sack in the store anymore.”
“Okay. That seems fair. Let’s go up on the roof,” Dominic suggested.
Everyone agreed ecstatically.
“Really?” Ned raised his arms in defeat.
Dominic, Ryan, Aaron, and about six customers, now, were on the roof of the Tank N Tummy. Everyone took a position on the roof. “Okay, keep the Wacky Sack away from the sides of the roof, nothing fancy that will cause someone to fall over the edge, if you’re out stay by the air conditioning unit,” Dominic threw out some rules. He squeezed the Wacky Sack and it started to “Guh!” “Let’s go,” he said and tossed the Wacky Sack to one of the customers.
The Wacky Sack was passed around the roof from person to person. They were all yelling and shouting at each other as they tried to distract each other and get the Wacky Sack to another person before it went off. When it did, one of the customers was holding it. He passed the Wacky Sack to Aaron and went to the A/C unit. The game started back up again.
This time Aaron lost and joined the customer at the A/C unit. Another customer got out and joined them. Another game started up. “Hey, what the hell is going on?” someone called from the ladder.
“We’re playing with a Wacky Sack,” Ryan called from the game.
“It’s like a hot potato,” Aaron filled in.
“Well, can someone come down here? I wanna get some cigarettes,” the guy yelled.
“Lauren’s down there,” Dominic said.
“I don’t know who that is. All I know is that I want some cigarettes and no one is at the register.”
“Give us a minute and we’ll be down,” Dominic said.
“Screw that. Come down now and pick up your stupid game later.”
“Give us a minute,” Dominic demanded and caught the Wacky Sack. Before he could throw it, it went off.
“You suck.”
“It’s not a talent game, it’s a game of chance. It all depends on luck,” Dominic said.
“You weren’t fast enough. You suck,” the man pointed angrily.
“Come up here and say that. We’ll see who sucks,” Dominic said.
“You’re on!” the man climbed up the rest of the ladder and got on the roof.
“One-on-one. Whoever is holding the Wacky Sack when it goes off is the loser,” Dominic explained.
“We all know how to play,” the man angrily responded.
Dominic squeezed the Wacky Sack and tossed it to the man. They passed it back and forth, throwing it high, low, fast, slow, just off center. After a while, the man caught the Wacky Sack and then threw it as hard as he could into the backyard of a house in the neighborhood behind the gas station.
“Aw, crap. That’s old man McGuirk’s yard,” Aaron said.
“We’re not getting that Wacky Sack back,” Ryan sighed.
Harvey walked into the store. “Idiot. Moron,” he looked around and saw Aaron at the back freezers. “New Guy. How did you like Wacky Sack?”
“We all really enjoyed it. Sadly, we lost it. Someone threw it in a fit of rage and we couldn’t get it back.”
“No problem. My brother-in-law isn’t going to import the Wacky Sacks. Apparently the burlap causes third degree burns if held too long and many of the Wacky Sacks have tick eggs inside them.”
“Third degree burns? So it’s literally like a hot potato?” Aaron laughed.
Harvey laughed as well. “Ha, ha! You’re funny,” Harvey walked past Dominic, Ryan, and Aaron and went into the office where Ned and Lauren were still working. “You have the raises all figured out?”
“Yeah. We just got done.”
“Excellent,” Harvey glanced over the list. “You didn’t put yourself on here. You don’t want raise. Way to sacrifice,” Harvey turned and left.
“No, I want a...Oh, farts. Oh, well. Thanks for helping me today.”
“No problem, Ned. I should go help the guys with what my actual job is.”
“Yeah, I have a couple other things to do and then I’m going to head out. Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome,” Lauren went out into the store and went behind the counter. “What the…? That shelf is still knocked over?”
“Yeah. We saved it for you,” Ryan said.
“Me? You guys knocked it over,” Lauren argued.
“Technically it was knocked over by a customer and we clean up the mess customers make,” Aaron said.
“And since you’ve been, well, not doing your job all day today, we thought this could be the one thing that you do today,” said Dominic.
“Yeah, I gave you three too big of raises,” Lauren muttered to herself.
16.
“Where were you this morning? Alice said you came in, said you had an emergency, then left,” Dominic said.
“I have a message,” Ryan started, sadly, looking like he was building up the courage to talk. “I found Mama Kitty, behind the dumpster when I got to work this morning. She wasn’t moving, was barely breathing. I rushed her to an emergency vet. The doctor did everything he could…Mama Kitty didn’t survive.”
Ryan then rushed off to the restroom. Dominic wiped a tear from his eye but another one, from the other eye, fell. Lauren looked back and forth between the restroom and Dominic. “What?” she asked.
“We are gathered here,” Dominic began as he, Ryan, Aaron, MaryJane, Lauren, and Ned stood around a storm sewer just off of the Tank N Tummy’s property on the busy street to the west “to remember a little cat who brought a lot of goodness into our lives.”
“Do I have to be here?” Lauren asked. “Not to be disrespectful but I didn’t know Mama Cat.”
“Mama Kitty,” Ryan corrected.
“Yeah, I didn’t know her either. Also, we’re closing the store for this. Lauren and I could just…”
“Mama Kitty deserves this,” MaryJane shouted. “She was an angel among devils. So innocent. So pure. Show some damn respect.”
“I remember when I first met Mama Kitty. She was just a tiny little thing. We didn’t know at the time that she was pregnant with little kittens. It would be the first of many little sewer cats…” Ryan began.
Lauren interrupted. “Sewer cats?”
“Mama Kitty and her kittens all lived in this storm sewer. She had, what? Three litters of kittens?” Ryan asked.
“I think so. A few stuck around but most moved on,” Dominic answered.
“Moved on to sewers of their own,” Aaron sobbed.
“I’m gonna go back inside,” Lauren hooked her thumb behind her.
“I’ll join you,” Ned said.
“No respect,” Dominic, Ryan, MaryJane and Aaron all said, shaking their head in disappointment.
Lauren and Ned paused, looked at each other, and turned around to rejoin the group.
“Let’s all go around and share our favorite memory of Mama Kitty,” Ryan said. “I already talked about when I first met her but her most powerful moment was when she held her own against the trash possum.”
“We have trash possums?” Ned asked.
“It’s fine,” Dominic waved him off.
“I was taking out the trash. It was after two in the morning and when I went outside I heard hissing. I turned and looked and saw Mama Kitty on one end of the dumpster and the trash possum on the other just hissing at each other. It was quite the sight to see. After about five minutes of hissing, the possum skittered off and Mama Kitty gladly had the dumpster to herself.”
“So brave.”
“So strong.”
“I see myself in Mama Kitty,” MaryJane said. “Along with every other female on this planet.”
“There are cars at the pump,” Lauren said.
“They can still pay at the pump,” Ryan remarked.
“Remember when Melissa broke up with me?” Dominic asked.
“How can we forget? You talk about it at least once a week,” Aaron replied.
“Well, shortly after it happened, I was in a really bad place so I went out to the dumpster to think like I usually do,” Dominic began.
“You go out to the dumpster to think?” Ned asked.
“I was sitting there, sulking, when Mama Kitty came up to me and she was just a-purring. I began talking to her about Melissa and what had happened. Every so often she would meow at me—you know, she had a little chirpy beep as a meow—like she was giving advice. She made me realize that I’d fall in love again, find someone to be with, and, most importantly, have sex with again. The three hours I spent talking to Mama Kitty at the dumpster really helped me get over Melissa.”
“You spent three hours sitting with an alley cat at the dumpster?” Ned asked. “Three work hours?”
“But you’re not over Melissa,” MaryJane said.
“But that’s not Mama Kitty’s fault. She probably did her best,” Ryan explained.
“Mama Kitty was a little slut,” MaryJane chuckled. “And I mean that in a good way. I always look up to women who don’t mind using their body and pleasuring themselves.
Every time I’d see her in the back and her little heinie up in the air and a male cat coming toward her, I’d smile and give a little nod. You go, girl.”
Everyone was silent for a couple of seconds before Ned spoke. “Lauren and I are going to go in. There is a person about to try to break one of our windows with a brick. Come on, Lauren.”
“Mama Kitty saved my life!” Aaron suddenly exclaimed.
Ned sighed. “I guess that window will hold for a couple more minutes,” he said, looking the crowd in front of the store.
“Shortly after I was hired here, my last grandparent and father died very close together,” Aaron began. “You might remember that I worked a lot, like, twelve to sixteen hour days. Mama Kitty was always there for me. I would buy her cat food from the pet store and sit out by the dumpster with her as she ate and talked about my father and grandparents. I don’t know if she was actually listening but she’d be there as I talked. She really helped me cope with losing those close to me.”
“Aw, that’s sweet,” MaryJane cooed.
“Mama Kitty was very special,” Ryan cried.
“Does everybody spend an inordinate amount of time by the dumpster?” Ned asked.
“Don’t knock it til you try it,” Dominic said.
“I got Mama Kitty back from the pet crematory,” Ryan said, about a week later, walking into the store. “I figure we could put her on top of the cigarette cabinet behind the counter.”
“That is truly a place of honor,” Dominic said.
“You can’t put an urn of cat ashes behind the counter,” Ned said.
“Why? Because of some sort of stupid health code?” Ryan mocked.
“Yes.”
“Well, we have to keep it here at the store. Mama Kitty was an important part of our lives at the store,” Ryan lovingly pet the urn.
“Since all of you and her spent most of your time together out back by the dumpster then maybe you could set the urn out there,” Ned chuckled.
No one else reacted.
Ned sighed and rolled his eyes. “I guess you can put her on a shelf in my office,” he offered.
Ryan and Dominic quickly ran in there, knocked a couple picture frames and a trophy off of a shelf and sat Mama Kitty’s urn carefully on the shelf. “It really ties the place together,” Ryan said. He and Dominic continued looking at the urn. A single tear rolled down Ryan’s face.
17.
“No, we need to talk about this now,” she replied. “It’s a very important decision and we need to discuss it.”
“I’m at work now. You need to go to work. We can talk about it later,” Ned said, again.
“I’m not leaving until we talk about this. I don’t want to spend the day mad at you or you mad at me.”
Ned glanced at Dominic and Aaron who quickly acted nonchalant like they weren’t paying attention. “Fine but let’s at least go into my office.”
“Fine,” MaryJane agreed and they went into the back office and closed the door.
“What do you think they are arguing about?” Aaron asked.
“Probably whose turn it is to take it up the butt,” Dominic replied.
The door opened again and Ryan came into the store. He was noticeably limped, almost dragging his foot. “Hey, guys,” he said.
“Hi, Ryan,” Dominic greeted. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Ryan got behind the counter, pulled the stool up and sat down. He let out a long sigh of relief.
“Is something wrong with your foot?” Aaron asked.
“Not at all. Well, it’s a cramp,” Ryan shrugged. “Maybe I slept on it wrong?”
“Slept on it wrong? Do you sleep curled up like a cat?” Dominic laughed.
“My foot’s asleep,” Ryan shrugged again.
Aaron bent down and poked Ryan’s ankle. Ryan screamed in pain. “Yep, that what happens when my foot falls asleep too.”
Lauren loved the weight of her boyfriend, Bryce, on top of her as they had sex. She held onto him tightly as he finished and pressed more of his weight down on her. He rolled off of her and sighed happily. She rolled over and took him in her mouth, tasting themselves mixing together. He shuddered and began moaning. She then stopped, cuddled up next to him and they kissed. “Thank you,” she said. “Waking up to that was quite a surprise. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work?”
“That’s kind of why I slept over last night. I took today off so I could spend the entire day with you on your day off,” Bryce said.
“You want to run errands with me?” she asked, laughing.
“We can do those things but I have other things planned. Breakfast, a museum visit, a hike at the lake, a nice lunch, and I plan on making dinner for you tonight,” Bryce revealed and kissed Lauren. “Which, we should really get ready. I want to get you some breakfast and then we can do one of your errands.”
“Oh, boy. You’re gonna love being at the DMV with me,” Lauren placed her hand on his cheek.
“Seriously?”
“My license expires in two weeks and this is my only weekday off for three weeks. Don’t worry. There’s plenty of time to do everything. Let’s get going.”
“You need to see a doctor. Your ankle is clearly broken,” Dominic said. “How did it happen?”
“Nothing happened. I slept on it wrong. It’s a cramp,” Ryan restated. “Maybe I pushed a baby carriage out of the way of an out-of-control bus.”
“No,” Dominic responded.
“Maybe my apartment caught on fire and I had to jump out of the window.”
“Not that either,” Aaron said.
“Then I slept on it wrong.”
“Look, it doesn’t matter how it happened but you need to see a doctor. Your foot is starting to swell and I can see it turning purple,” Dominic pointed at Ryan’s foot.
“It’s fine. Now, I’m going to go get a drink. Does anyone want anything?”
“No, we’re good.”
Ryan slowly got off the stool and put pressure on his foot as he stood. “AAAAAAAAAAHH! UUUHHHNNNNFFFF!” he shrieked. He began hobbling off toward the fountain drinks, moaning and grunting with each step.
“Such a man,” Aaron said. “A dumb, dumb man.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to move in with you,” MaryJane said as she and Ned were still in his office. “I just like my independence and space and moving into your place doesn’t offer that.”
“Then we can find a new place. Together,” Ned said.
“What happens when we break up. Then neither of us have a place to go unlike if we just keep our own places and I just dip my toe into moving in with you.”
“When we break up. So you think we’re going to break up?”
“That’s not what I meant,” MaryJane sighed. “This is my first long-term relationship. I mean, there’s no way this was going to last forever, right?” she chuckled, hoping to lighten the mood.
Ned was quiet. He fumbled a pen around in his hand. “I guess not since you have been sabotaging it from the very beginning.”
“What? No I haven’t.”
“You went in thinking it wasn’t going to last. That’s sabotaging it. You convinced yourself that it wasn’t going to last so when it does seem like it could you come up with a reason to end it. Why?”
“I don’t want to end it. I just don’t want to move in with you.”
“Then say that. I asked you and you agreed but then said you wanted to keep your apartment.”
MaryJane was silent this time, scratching a fingernail across the arms of the chair she was sitting in. “Then what do we do?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe we should take a break,” Ned said.
“Okay, Ross. This is us arguing over moving in together. What happens when I tell you that I don’t want to get married or have children or that I’m saving up money to travel around the world for two years?”
“That sounds amazing,” Ned complemented. “You don’t want to get married? I understand the kid thing but marriage?”
“Why do we need the government or church involved in humanity’s love?” MaryJane smirked at Ned. “Having a ring on my finger or a different last name or someone to come home to doesn’t change how I feel about a person, the way I am, or the sex so what’s the point?”
“Yeah, what is the point?” Ned asked.
“See? I told you my foot was fine,” Ryan said, returning to the counter.
“But you winced in pain the whole time. You even had to stop to rest,” Dominic said. “Leave. Go see a doctor. I’ll go with you. Ned can come out here and help Aaron.”
“I’m not going to see a doctor.”
“Why not?” Aaron asked. “Are you afraid of the doctor?”
“Yes. A few years ago, a doctor told me that my father was going to be just fine. Nothing would go wrong. That doctor lied and my father died. If I go to a doctor I’m afraid that I won’t come back out.”
“Your dad’s not dead,” Dominic exclaimed. “Both he and your mom are still alive. They sent me a Christmas card last year. I saw them at the movies last month.”
“I just don’t like the doctor. Mainly because I can’t afford it.”
“We’re going to the doctor,” Dominic said. “Aaron, let Ned know. We’ll be back as soon as we can.”
Lauren and Bryce held hands as they stared at a painting at the art museum. As they looked, Lauren tilted her head and rested it on Bryce’s shoulder. “Thanks for coming to the DMV with me,” she said. “It made the wait a little less boring.”
“I still don’t understand how they were using numbers but our place in line was ‘R’. Where does R fall on the number line?” Bryce asked.
Lauren chuckled. “It doesn’t matter. We made it through.”
“I’m so glad we had this day together,” Bryce said. “We should probably move away from this painting. We’ve been staring at it for awhile.”
It was a painting of woman and her baby. Most people assumed it was supposed to be Mary and Jesus but it was really the wife and son of the artist. “Even though it’s the artist’s wife and son, he used religious iconography which is why everyone thinks it’s Mary and Jesus,” Lauren explained.
“I didn’t know you knew so much about this painting,” Bryce said.
“It’s on the placard,” she pointed out.
“Oh,” Bryce chuckled. “If he painted this, purposely making his wife and son seem like Mary and Jesus, then does that mean the artist considers himself God?”
“Seems like it,” Lauren nodded.
“Come on, let’s keep wandering,” Bryce began walking to the next painting, guiding Lauren with him. “We need to work off breakfast and lunch so we’ll be ready to eat the dinner I’m making for us.”
“So, we’re done?” MaryJane asked, holding back tears.
“I think so. I think we came to that agreement,” Ned tapped on his desk.
“But it was fun, right?”
“It was. I have no regrets,” Ned said. “Well, maybe one. Getting too involved in this.”
“We should’ve hammered out the details before we hooked up. I’m a lawyer, I should’ve known better,” MaryJane shook her head and stood up. “I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah. I’ll still be here.”
“I’ll still be buying my 60 ounce soda here,” MaryJane confirmed.
“Glad we won’t lose your business,” Ned laughed.
They left the office and Ned escorted her across the store and out the door. “See you, Ned.”
“See you, MaryJane,” Ned waved.
“Did you two break up?” Aaron asked.
“Yeah. Where’s Dominic and Ryan?”
“Hospital.”
“Oh my God. What happened?”
“Ryan has a broken foot and he insisted on continuing to walk and stand on it and try to prove it wasn’t broken so we finally convinced him to go to a doctor.”
“Ouch. Well, sorry, I was tied up with MaryJane instead of helping you when they left.”
“It’s only been half an hour. I’m good,” Aaron said.
Ned got behind the counter with Aaron and sat down on the stool. “Broken foot?”
“Yeah. He even walked from here to the fountains and back. He was in extreme pain the entire time. It took him nearly ten minutes. He had to rest. It was hilarious.”
Ned laughed. “I wish I had seen that. That does sound hilarious.”
18.
"It's still pretty profitable," Dominic explained. "It still gets him about $100 for charity."
"What charity did Harvey go with this year?"
"It's called SWITCH. It's supposed to help people in the transgender community get the surgeries they need to be who they are," Dominic said.
"Ah. So Harvey wants to buy a Nintendo Switch."
"Pretty much."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" the Santa greeted as Dominic and Ryan passed by.
"Ho-Ho-Ho, to you too, Santa. Have a Merry Christmas," Ryan flipped a couple of quarters into the bucket sitting next to the Santa.
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa repeated. The Santa then drew a gloved finger across his throat while staring directly into Ryan's eyes.
Ryan flinched and followed Dominic into the store. "Did you see that?" Ryan asked when the door was closed and the Santa was out of earshot.
"What?"
"He did this," Ryan demonstrated. "He threatened me."
"I'm surer you're just mistaken. He was probably going to wipe his nose and you mistook that or something."
Ryan turned to look at the Santa. He was staring menacingly at Ryan through the window.
MaryJane arrived and walked by the Santa. The Santa greeted MaryJane and she came into the store. "Sup, sluts," she said to them and went to get her daily 72 ounces of soda.
"Hey, MaryJane. How are you?" Dominic asked as she approached the counter.
"I'm great. The holiday season really puts me in a good mood," she said.
"Did that Santa act weird or anything when you went by?" Ryan asked.
"No, he smiled and said 'ho-ho-ho', I responded 'you got that right' and came in here. Why?"
"I think that Santa wants to kill me," Ryan said.
"I'll have to invite him to the monthly meeting," Dominic muttered.
"Kill you? Really? I'll be right back," MaryJane went back outside and went up to the Santa. They talked for a bit, even laughing at one point. The conversation ended with MaryJane flashing the Santa her breasts and the Santa boisterously cheering 'Ho! Ho! Ho!' MaryJane came back into the store. "He's not trying to kill you."
"How do you know?" Ryan asked.
"I asked him. 'Are you trying to kill my friend' and he said no. I then said 'I don't blame you if you wanted to' and we laughed. He then asked to see my boobs."
"And you just showed them to him?" Ryan asked.
"It's Christmas," MaryJane said.
Lauren came in to work at two in the afternoon. "It's your last day," Dominic said as she walked by the counter.
"Did that Santa say or do anything when you walked by?" Ryan asked.
"Yes, it is," she answered Dominic. "No, he didn't," she answered Ryan.
"I can't believe she's leaving," Dominic said.
"You knew this was coming. You know she was going to the college to become a teacher. That day's finally come," Ryan said.
"Yeah, but I didn't actually think it would, you know?" The Santa came into the store. Ryan tensed up. "I'm gonna go talk to her. I'll be right back."
"No, wait, don't leave..." Ryan pleaded but Dominic walked away.
"Harvey said I had free access to the drinks and snacks," the Santa said.
"Yeah, yeah. That's fine," Ryan was nervous. "What are you going to be doing for Christmas?" Ryan asked, trying to be friendly.
"I think I'll be spending Christmas Day slowly peeling the skin off your dead body with a vegetable peeler. Then, until New Years I'll be boiling your bones to make a stew," the Santa said.
"So you are trying to kill me?"
"If you have to ask, then you are already dead," the Santa growled. "Ho! Ho! Ho!" he exclaimed and went back outside the store.
"You can still apply for a job being a part of the support staff. We might not work together but we'd still be working together. You'd also get paid a bit more. You can even go back to college and become a teacher. I think you'd like it," Lauren said.
"I don't know if you know this because I hide it really well but I'm an idiot," Dominic laughed.
"No, you're not," Lauren said. "Think about it. If you decide to stay here, great, but keep in touch."
"You have to go home at some point," Dominic said. "The Santa went home three hours ago. I have to lock up. Let's go."
"I guess. I haven't seen him in hours so I guess he went home," Ryan nervously walked out of the store and Dominic locked the doors behind them. Dominic and Ryan drove home. Dominic dropped Ryan off at his apartment. "Hey, man, if I don't see you before, Merry Christmas."
"Thanks, Merry Christmas to you, too."
"Are you going to apply for a job at Lauren's school?"
"I don't think so but I'm still thinking about it. See you on the 26th."
Ryan headed toward his apartment. As he was fumbling for his keys someone stepped out from behind a bush. "Ho. Ho. Ho," the Santa growled.
Dominic arrived at the Tank N Tummy on December 26th. He went to unlock the door but found gum jammed in the locks. "Really? On Christmas?" he asked himself. He went around to the back and found gum in the back door locks too. He sighed and climbed up the ladder to the roof and opened the roof access and climbed down into the store. He unlocked the front door through the inside. He turned on the lights, started the coffee and tea, and unlocked the register. He threw the newspapers into a rack and got behind the counter before lowering his head and covering his face in his hands. ▩
By Brian Hall
©2018-2019
Originally published in Tank N Tummy #4-20 and Tauy Creek Digest #58.
