What's Mother Gargle Got Against Charles Laughton?

August 12, 1967

This time it's just traffic cones. Next time, people might not be so lucky.

I'm assuming Mother Gargle watched the 1939 version starring Charles Laughton and Maureen O'Hara. I don't care who stars in that story, everybody is ugly--Quasimodo, Frollo, the gargoyles. If someone wants to compare you to something in The Hunchback of Notre-Dame just turn around and leave.

Candy Boy

August 11, 1967

How come parents of a certain generation absolutely hate teaching their children things? Is it because they don't know the answer and it makes them upset or are they just jerks? Explaining gravity is one of the easiest things to tell people, right? It's right up there with "Why is the sky blue?". Right?

Chocolate's expensive. It's getting rarer, right? Because of the chaos and destruction of the rain forest in South America? It's also why coffee is getting more expensive if you use South American beans. But enough about money and global instability, is Brutus a Left Twix person or a Right Twix person?

Bad Meat or Bad Cook?

August 10, 1967

What a piece of shit Wilberforce is. Does Brutus have Park Place, because that's the only reason you would want to make this trade. He's crying. There's no crying in Monopoly. But this is a good example of how capitalism works: Some mean jerkass owns all the properties and companies and then makes the poorer general public poorer and sad.

I guess Brutus does have all the utilities, but still...

I'll give you my review if you take off that stupid hat.

When you ask for a review, you can't get mad. If you don't want to listen and learn from the critique, then don't go asking for critiques.

Slippin' and Slidin'

August 9, 1967

While the height of the Cold War was mostly over by the time this comic strip saw print, worry over the Soviet Union and Communism still persisted in the United States. Many did think that "it can't happen here" either because the United States was so much stronger or believing where they live to be too unimportant to bomb. 

Can Harry see Wilberforce lighting that M-80? If so, then he should do a better job at warning Brutus.

Well, go make more. I don't even know how this happened. She barely moved the tray and all of them just go tumbling onto the floor?

Do you not get a side with the sliders? Some fries or a salad...well, maybe not a salad...but something.

12 Down: First day of the work week, hated by Garfield. 6 letters.

August 8, 1967

The mugger allowed you to turn around. You could've hit him with your umbrella as you turned around. I'm not saying Brutus wouldn't still be mugged, but you never know.

Being mugged was another thing TV and cartoons said was going to happen a lot. Maybe it does still happen a lot, I just clearly look like I have nothing of value on me.

Well, they are only, like, $2 at Walmart and have 80-100 pages so I think I'm fine, thank you.

That does not look like a book. It looks like a piece of paper. Maybe Brutus tears out the pages.

Even Wilberforce Is Confused "You mean Dad?"

June 12, 1988

Isn't there somewhere else you can go to get away from the soap opera, Brutus? There is no need to act like a 6-year-old.

Calm down, Wilberforce. You are nine. Life changers and new situations are still a few years away. At least Wilberforce has a father he can talk to about stuff. Some of us had to be our own fathers. Wait. What?

He Needs a New Bike So He Can Better Represent Cleveland

August 7, 1967

We're just going to ignore that Brutus is running around in a bunny costume. I don't know what color the costume is supposed to be, but I imagine it being pink.

He looks like a deranged Easter bunny. A pink nightmare.

We should follow Tyrone home so we can get a glimpse of Tyrone and Naomi at home. He can regale us with his cool dog catcher stories.

I could've sworn that Wilberforce mentioned a bike earlier in the summer, but I can't find it--or it never existed. I remember lots of these strips. Birthdays, anniversaries, 98% of my students, all completely forgotten, but I can find a specific Born Loser strip with a vague description.

"Pop, can I have a new bike? Pop, can I have a new bike? Pop, can I have a new bike...?" "Everyday for the past two months 'Pop, can I have a new bike? Pop, can I have a new bike?'"

Tonight On 'The Born Loser'...

August 5, 1967

At least we know why Teeny stopped appearing in the comic strip. She moved out into her own place because she was sick of the Thornapple's shit.

Only 12 episodes per season? Pfft. We used to have proper seasons: 22-24 episodes and hopefully enough seasons (5) to make it to 100 episodes. Fucking binge Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (594 episodes) or The Simpsons (808 episodes) if you want me to be impressed.

Give me long-running series with 22 episodes a season where 5-7 of them are all certified bangers any day.

"You're Looking Rundown." "Thanks...?"

August 4, 1967

Wilberforce has to go home at some point. You can hit him when he returns cold and hungry.

I will admit that I like the surreal Looney Tunes-esque stuff Art sometimes does. How did he do that?

Ha ha! It's funny because Brutus has sleep apnea and is slowly dying! Of course Brutus has sleep apnea. Gladys probably has it, too. And Mother Gargle. It's an epidemic.

Put Your Legs Under the Desk

August 3, 1967

Is...Is that God? No, it's probably just some advertisement on a building. You don't have to listen to those...unless it's about giving her English muffins this year.

Has Brutus just been sitting like that all morning? His knees, hips, and feet are going to hurt like hell when he goes to stand up.

If Brutus doesn't want to work, he shouldn't be so blatant about it. Hang in the break room, take longer in the restroom, Oh, I have to run out to my car for something, I was talking with Arnie about the Streisand account. Don't just sit at your desk.

I wonder how the Wimberley account went? Not great, I assume.

Droopy Green Thumb

August 2, 1967

Brutus cares not for your social life, Teeny. Get out of the bathroom! There are other people in this house, you know.

Do (Did?) people normally not keep their toothbrush in the bathroom? You lug it around? Seems inconvenient.

 

Brutus this is serious! This is the only place we get our vegetables from now since everything at the store is so expensive. These plants could mean life or death for us and our little boy. And climate change sure isn't helping.

Carpenters Reference?

August 1, 1967

Is Brutus hungover? He also looks like he's going to throw up, but that may be just hearing the word 'horoscope'.

 

Okay, it's rainy days and Mondays, so saying "rainy Tuesdays through Sundays" is at best redundant and at worst interpreting the song incorrectly. "Rainy days" already implies rainy Tuesdays through Sundays.

But he does seem to have the day off so that a good thing, right?

So Many Golf Phrases...

June 5, 1988

Brutus did not want to miss one second of this game, I guess. I don't know how Brutus expects to get home, let alone just move his car but I guess that's an issue for future-Brutus.

Oh, no! Are we going to do a week of reruns during the week I bring back the older strips? As long as we stay pre-November 2020 we should be good.

Does Brutus need a lesson on how to make the golf ball curve? Golf Digest has a decent tutorial. They even mention Jack Nicklaus, who, as I understand it, is pretty big in the golfing world.

 

 

 

 

 

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SaturDate Night

So does Mother Gargle also not like her grandchild or is she just gaming money out of Brutus and Gladys? I hope Mother Gargle knows that stealing money from Brutus is also stealing money from Gladys.

Fake It til You Make It

Brutus is off to do subpar work on the Wimberley account. At least it's Friday. Look, Brutus is apparently a terrible employee but somehow he keeps most of his accounts. I'm sure Wimberley will be fine.

A Summer Reading Program Doesn't Seem Like Something Wilberforce Would Join

I thought this was going to be a joke where Wilberforce says he never got past the first book on his list. Why does he need to remember what happened in it? Does your library/school only count the book if you can answer a short quiz on it?

I just finished a biography on President John Quincy Adams, my favorite president and he was such a man ahead of his time who saw the flaws and holes in our Constitution and wanted them fixed while everyone else in power just shrugged. He stood up for Native American, women, and slave rights at a time when doing that was definitely not popular. He worried for nearly 40 years about the country splitting up over slavery and bemoaned how the Constitution separated powers yet could not overcome party loyalty or presidents just doing what they want anyway. Arguing over admitting Texas into the Union, Adams wrote this in his diary.

"The Constitution is a menstruous rag and the Union is sinking into a military monarchy to be
rent asunder like the Empire of Alexander or the kingdoms of Ephraim and Judah." 

I could spend an entire post just gushing about the guy, but I won't. Although I do wish I was clever and creative enough to write a Broadway musical about him.

Don't Ask Questions You Don't Want to Know the Answer To

"I heard ICE is in town and I want to see how they hold up to someone just as violent as them. Also, do you have any gas-soaked rags?"

This is such an odd request and mainly it's because there's no context. What kind of bottle? Do you want something in it? What are you going to do with it? I don't know about Brutus but I don't really have random bottles just lying around.

Or Else

Don't write a check your butt can't cash. I look at some of the people in charge and am like "Nearly everybody else is probably better at their jobs than these people", but not Brutus. He is mediocre at best. Although his salary should keep up with inflation and reflect his years at the company.

Cut Those People Out of Your Life

Mother Gargle is a very toxic person. I'm not a fan of hers and wish she'd go away. I don't like the way she tries to manipulate Gladys about her marriage. What kind of behavior is that from your mother? That's when you start cutting people out of your life. "Don't come over anymore, Mama. Just stay in Erie."

Sunday Is for Shopping

"I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow.

Photos from Getty Images.

I mentioned to my wife this morning that I hope other politicians read how the bulk of people remember Lindsay Graham, who passed away earlier this morning from a "brief illness", and Mitch McConnell, who had a medical emergency back on June 14 and has been neither seen nor heard since prompting speculation into his death, and not want that for themselves. "I don't want people to talk about me like that!" Well, then be a better person. Don't insert yourself into people's lives, don't take away people's right, and don't attach yourself to a man who is definitely bringing about the end of your country.

I don't have much hope in that though. Most politicians, especially Republicans, are not in government to actually help people and make the country a better place, but to enrich themselves, especially after seeing how easy it is with Trump as the president. Lindsay Graham was even an early opponent of Trump. I don't know what happened but seeing him brown-nose Trump over the last ten years has been disheartening and I hate that I can't tell if it's out of necessity, actual respect, or fear. That's how I feel about any politician who brown-noses Trump. Why are you doing this and no matter what the reason, it makes you a bad person and people are not going to care when you die.

Sure, maybe a bunch of randos on the Internet saying bad stuff about you after you die isn't high on your list of why you should be a good person, but why would you use this limited time on this planet--in this life--to be a terrible person? And again, it doesn't matter what your reasoning is, it still makes you a bad person. Anyway, former Capitol Police Officer Michael Fanone probably says it best "Rest in Piss" to both Graham and McConnell. They could've continued making the country a better place after 2016, but instead chose to make it worse for everybody for reasons we will now never know.

Gladys is looking forward to shopping with Brutus? Okay. It's bold of Brutus to still ask if he could not go shopping and play golf instead when Gladys responded so excitedly to them going.

What's Wilberforce going to do? Is he going to locked in his little cage or what? He certainly isn't going shopping with his parents.

Sick Leave Saturday

I don't think employers can control how I use my sick time. Especially when you don't give us personal or vacation time. So anyway, I guess I will go on vacation and call in sick every day. 

I will admit that spraining your ankle doesn't need an entire week off. Sprained ankles aren't contagious and you can still do your job if you don't need to stand or walk a lot. 

You Need a Cookbook for a Charcuterie Board?

Brutus has never heard of a charcuterie board? And what's this about having a dinner party? Do the Thornapples know enough people to invite to a dinner party? At least there'll be meat and cheese.

Daylight Brutus Time

For all I know, you got that coffee at five o'clock this morning. Your coffee being cold is no litmus test for how late someone is.

I don't know what Brutus is doing here. If I am late, the last thing I want to do is alert that fact to my supervisor. Is this some kind of kink Brutus is in to?

2s Across the Board

Jesus Hornswoggle Christ. Does Veeblefester do evaluations every other week? It seems like Brutus is getting evaluated or reviewed at least once a month. Is he on an improvement plan or something?

Admittedly, this is the best evaluation Brutus has gotten in a long time.

And Most Adults Don't Get Two Months Off for the Summer

Yeah, work sucks. I know. And I have a job I kind of like!

I adore Wilberforce's wide-eyed innocence in the second panel. "When I grow up, I won't have any homework at all!" Oh, you ignorant, simple son of a bitch...

What's In a Name?

No one has ever said that. I would almost say Veeblefester said this, but Veeblefester seems more like a person who would purposely forget your name as some kind of power move.

Are You 4th Grade Going On 4th Grade?

Fourth grader reading at a second grade level? That's not too bad considering most adult Americans read at a seventh or eighth grade level. Although you want to start turning the tide now, Wilberforce. You don't want to be in middle school and at the same reading level. That's not good for anyone involved in your education.

Don't forget about my post on the Independence Day comic book miniseries from yesterday. If you would like to support me or this website, you can tip me in the corner or throw some money at the About page.

Uncle Ted Presents A Stay-At-Home Fourth!

For some reason, this is giving big "It is your birthday." vibes. Now, if you'll excuse Dennis, he has to go march on Washington with those other white supremacists.

Mm. Wilberforce is not on board.

ID4: Independence Day

On July 3, 1996, Roland Emmerich's Independence Day debuted in theatres. Starring Will Smith, Bill Pullman, Jeff Goldblum, and others, this movie changed the way Hollywood made blockbusters. It was the highest-grossest movie of 1996 and seemed destined to be a popular franchise. A short book series was written to fill in some gaps of the movie, toys were produced, and even a terrible PlayStation/Sega Saturn/PC video game came out.

In addition, a three-issue comic book miniseries was published by Marvel Comics. Issue #0 was a prequel to the story while issues #1-2 adapted the movie. I think I got #1-2 at Walmart or Kmart or something. I found #0 in a gas station. I will always defend the comic book spinner rack.

Issue #0 opens in Roswell, New Mexico on July 4, 1947 during a thunderstorm. An alien ship is struck by lightning and crashes on Mac Brazel's ranch. Discovering something not human, Brazel notifies the government who pick everything up and declare the downed alien ship a weather balloon. In a secret location, the alien they captured is dying, it is able to probe the mind of Dr. Rose for a few seconds before dying, repeating just a single word: Kill.

In 1967, Dr. Rose has become the preeminent scientist trying to figure out how the alien ship works and keeping the dead alien in some kind of tube. Dr. Rose is retiring and the government thinks it has a replacement in Dr. Okun, who currently is a lazy hippie. Talking with Okun, Dr. Rose tells him to keep studying the alien and their ship, keep everything secret, and keep away from Nimziki. Jump to 1986, where cropduster Russell Casse is abducted by an alien ship and probed. Unfortunately, no one believes Russell was abducted and he takes to drinking and stops going outside. Russell's anger only grows because he knows the aliens will return.

Elsewhere, Steven Hiller is excitedly watching a rocket launch and wanting to be an astronaut when he grows up. In 1992, Thomas Whitmore announces his candidacy for president with Constance Spano as his communications director. Her husband, David Levinson, is sure she is having an affair and goes so far as to hit Senator Whitmore. Whitmore still becomes president though and appoints Albert Nimziki as Secretary of Defense, despite misgivings. Later, it's 1996 and Steven Hiller is in the Air Force and one of the best pilots they have. He is torn up about his relationship with Jasmine Dubrow, who works as a stripper. But he loves her and chooses to overlook it.

Meanwhile, President Whitmore's approval ratings have tanked. Being reelected is a hard-to-reach goal. He begins wondering what kind of national emergency he could lead the country through. Back at Area 51, an alien escapes and goes on a killing spree. Luckily, it's just a dream Dr. Okun is having. But he still thinks there's behind the cold, dark eyes of these aliens. On July 2, 1996, the signal at Compact Cable is terrible and the person who can fix it, David Levinson, is in the park playing chess with his father. But David probably can't fix this, a massive alien ship has disabled our satellites and is approaching Earth.

Issue #1 begins the same way the movie does. The large ship is passing over the Moon and the American flag where the Moon landing happened. No one knows what is going on because satellites have been destroyed. President Whitmore opts to remain in the Situation Room rather than go to a secure location as the large ship begins sending smaller ship to major cities. David discovers there's a code embedded in the signal the aliens are sending and that it's a countdown to an attack. He calls his ex, Constance, who doesn't believe him. David and his father then try their best to get to Washington to let the president know. Back in Los Angeles, Steven's leave has been canceled and he has to leave Jasmine and her son to return to base. President Whitmore is reluctant to listen to David until witnessing the aliens disintegrate several Apache helicopters. They have less than an hour to get out of the major cities. Barely making it, the aliens attack, destroying New York, Los Angeles, Washington, D.C., and every major city around the world as the President, Constance, David and his father, head to Area 51.

Issue #2 opens with the classic scene of Steven downing one of the alien ships and punching it while saying "Welcome to Earth!" At Area 51, the purpose of the aliens are discovered. They essentially just kill all living things, use up all the planet's resources and leave it an unusable husk and move on to the next planet. The alien notifies President Whitmore that there can be no peace, only the death of humanity. So President Whitmore makes the executive decision to nuke the aliens. David discovers a way through the alien ship's force fields--a computer virus. They will upload a virus onto the ships allowing aircraft with weapons to maneuver in and destroy the ship. Every able-bodied pilot is asked to find and man a plane, including Russell Casse, who is trying to be a good father and wants to get revenge on the aliens that abducted him.

President Whitmore gives his "Independence Day" speech to the troops and the pilots all head into the air. Steven and David arrive on the mothership where David can upload the virus. Unfortunately, what the pilots do only do minimal damage until Russell figures out how to inflict real damage. Russell flies his plane and missile up into the ship, destroying it completely and dying a hero. Still trapped on the mothership, Steven enters the launch codes to launch their missile while he and David tell each other good-bye. Being shaken loose, Steven attempts to guide the ship out of the mothership and back to Earth. Barely making it, the nuke destroys the mothership. Everyone is reunited and, without the mothership, watch as all the other ships crash to the Earth, defeated.

For an adaptation, these comics are serviceable. The events seemed rushed and the coloring seems darker than it needs to be. Also, the choice to put the narration in dark gray boxes with black text was...a choice. Happy Independence Day, Americans, and Happy Fourth of July to everyone else.

Credits:

Issue #0 Written by Phil Crain; Penciled by Terry Pallot, Steve Erwin, Rod Whigham, Gabriel Gecko; Inked by Terry Pallot, Phil Moy, Larry Welch, Steve Moncuse; Colored by Moose Baumann; Cover by Terry Pallot. Issue #1 Written by Ralph Macchio; Art by Leonard Kirk; Colored by Moose Baumann; Cover by Kevin Nowlan. Issue #2 Written by Ralph Macchio; Penciled by Leonard Kirk, Rod Whigham, Steve Erwin; Inked by Terry Pallot, Scott Reed, Steve Moncuse; Colored by Moose Baumann; Cover by Kevin Nowlan.