He Needs a New Bike So He Can Better Represent Cleveland

August 7, 1967

We're just going to ignore that Brutus is running around in a bunny costume. I don't know what color the costume is supposed to be, but I imagine it being pink.

He looks like a deranged Easter bunny. A pink nightmare.

We should follow Tyrone home so we can get a glimpse of Tyrone and Naomi at home. He can regale us with his cool dog catcher stories.

I could've sworn that Wilberforce mentioned a bike earlier in the summer, but I can't find it--or it never existed. I remember lots of these strips. Birthdays, anniversaries, 98% of my students, all completely forgotten, but I can find a specific Born Loser strip with a vague description.

"Pop, can I have a new bike? Pop, can I have a new bike? Pop, can I have a new bike...?" "Everyday for the past two months 'Pop, can I have a new bike? Pop, can I have a new bike?'"

And Most Adults Don't Get Two Months Off for the Summer

Yeah, work sucks. I know. And I have a job I kind of like!

I adore Wilberforce's wide-eyed innocence in the second panel. "When I grow up, I won't have any homework at all!" Oh, you ignorant, simple son of a bitch...

He's Gonna Go to the Beach and Gawk At Beefcakes Like His Long-Lost Cousin Teeny

July 31, 1967

I don't think any one is good enough for Teeny. Live your life, Teeny. Live your life.

Although you might want to stay clear of guys named 'Lance'. They seem hit or miss.

What else is he going to do? He's a kid. He's gonna play--play outside, play video games, play, play, play. Now, just drink your glass of ice cold piss lemonade.

Word Wednesday

July 27, 1967

That is some really strong gum. Maybe Brutus is just a very weak man.

I'm confused by the traffic light. Doesn't it seem like the light is making the pedestrians walk into traffic? I guess you don't need to care about that. The joke is the gum.

I'm glad Arnie doesn't have a sly smile on his face like so many of these Brutus revelations recieve. Brutus and Arnie are reliving some long-suppressed childhood traumas here. It's not much but it's a step in the right direction for their healing.

Hey, Brutus? Do you want to make sure your brain is at the peak of its functionality? I know a guy who has taken three (3) cognitive tests in the last year and a half and he's the most mentally fit person I know. Just to warn you, though. You have to know what a clock looks like and how to repeat words and phrases.

Rose Is a Rose

July 6, 1967

I don't think you are going to need that much string to fly a kite. How does this even happen? I say cut the loose string and the spool off, tie them together, and just leave Brutus where he is. He's the parks department's problem now.

Charlie Brown had been flying kites (and being bad at it) for about 15 years now so it was already a classic trope.

I absolutely don't care about all the work my neighbors do for their yard. I have to mow and trim back invasive vines which is already too much work. If you're side-eyeing me for doing the bare minimum for my yard, then the problem lies with you.

Tell Pop to Drop Dead

April 18, 1967

"Hello, Mommy, Hello, Daddy"? Are we sure Wilberforce isn't an alien? It would explain so much about why Wilberforce looks the way he looks.

What kind of name is Dik-Kayydd. Is it pronounced like "decayed"? What kind of alien name is that?

Why is Brutus sending Wilberforce to tell his wife to get to cooking? Is it because Gladys will gladly hit her husband but he knows she won't hit her child? Fight your own battles, Brutus. Leave Wilberforce out of it.

Eat Farts, Gladys

October 4, 1966

What are some things we were shown in movies and TV shows that we all thought would be more common than they turned out to be? Quicksand, piranhas. I would also argue being cooked alive by hostile uncontacted tribes. I was led to believe I'd be walking through the woods and coming upon more savage indigenous peoples than I've actually run into (zero).

Wait. Kids are supposed to accomplish something when off from school over the summer? I thought they were just supposed to have fun and be kids. This is your reminder for next summer, kids. Make a plan to accomplish something. Maybe start a garden or rebuild a classic car. The world could use more sonatas or maybe great novels, TV shows, or movies. It's not life unless you're working 24/7/365.

Ms. Yuck

September 8, 1966

I love these rain showers. Oh, cool. You're going to rain just enough to get me wet, get my car dirty, and make it feel like we're in an oven afterwards. Cool. Cool cool cool.

Has Hurricane Hattie tasted an oyster? Usually kids just hate something because it looks gross and looks like it would taste gross. I'm impressed Hattie has at least tried oysters. Maybe you should tell Hattie and Wilberforce to start looking for pearls.

Worst Independence Day Ever

It's a sad day in the history of your country when fucking Hi & Lois shows more fight and backbone than a majority of the people actually elected to fight and show backbone. This is a legacy strip, it's only goal is to stay the course, not ruffle feathers, and give readers a light chuckle (not a guarantee). Not upset the populace by suggesting that we might have to fight a tyrannical ruler again.

And look at their faces, with the exception of Trixie, the Flagstons absolutely know that fascism is here, several of their neighbors are Nazis and nothing set up to keep this from happening is going to work. Dot's thrilled to start fighting though.

August 23, 1966

Just to the front door? I would think you could make it to the mailbox or the street (whichever is further). Maybe the bathroom is further away. I could definitely make it to the street with toothpaste at my house.

It's amazing how the Fourth of July turns people into inconsiderate scofflaws. "Hey, my dog gets anxious with fireworks, can you go easy this year?" I'll make sure to point the loud ones at your house. "The neighbor down the street is a veteran with PTSD." Then he should understand that he fought for my right to shoot off loud noise makers. "Why are people shooting off fireworks? It's June 29th." It's our right and perfectly legal. All within the law (law says no fireworks until July 3 and 4). "Our city is thinking about banning fireworks." I'll still shoot them off. It's my right.

You're all jerks!

The Brutus P. Thornapple Memorial Watercooler

March 29, 1987

Why is Brutus wearing a top hat? I've never seen him in a top hat before and I don't think I've seen him in one since. I guess Brutus is trying something different. Something he will probably stop doing because it caused him to fall into the sewer.

Who are those kids? Why are we just creating random children when Wilberforce and Hurricane Hattie are already established characters?

Didn't you hear him? Weren't you listening? Veeblefester specifically said the naming rights would be paid for. My reaction wouldn't be "Golly, Chief!" but "How much is this stupid idea going to cost us? Me, specifically?"

Naming the watercooler for Brutus does make sense since that's where Brutus spends most of his day.

Hide-And-Abandon

June 23, 1966

Is it too late in my Born Loser-snarking career to admit that I never understood the title? I mean, I understand that back in 1965, They'll Do It Every Time was already taken, but calling every person in this comic a "loser" is stretching it. Most of what we see isn't loser behavior, it's just life bending us over. Maybe Art should've called this strip Life Bends Us Over.

"Well, I hope they aren't hiding in the abandoned cistern. It tends to flood even when it's not raining..."

I think this would be better if Brutus was sitting watching TV and Gladys walks in. "I'm back!" So? And?

My Afternoon With Hattie

June 21, 1966

Honestly, I feel you could just connect these panels and call it good.

See? That looks fine.

I've never been a fan of dog whistle jokes. I don't think they are/were as prevalent as movies, TV, and old cartoons lead us to believe.

Yes. My answer would have to be yes.

I don't know. I think Hurricane Hattie would be a fun daughter to have. I've always wanted a daughter so I'm going to grab any opportunity to be a loving father figure to Hurricane-esque girls.

Newsy Sunday

In case you didn't know, this past week was a rerun week. Chip took a week off a few weeks ago so older strips were used with just that day's date edited. Since I had already commented on the strips used, I just took the week as well. But I did post links to the original posts if you would like to scroll through my Threads and Bluesky for them.

Anyway, there's a new comic today so let's get on with it already.

January 18, 1987

Wilberforce knows how to play chess? That ain't right.

I'd go with Gladys, because I've known Wilberforce for 35 years or so and he is definitely no genius.

I don't think Wilberforce is 6 these days. I place him more 8 or 9, like the kids from Peanuts.

I'm assuming it's not important bad news. Like, it's bad news but it doesn't really affect them. More like, DOGE has eliminated a grant that Veeblefester was going to use to create a better tea cozy. Tea cozies, I assume, are already perfect. DOGE just saved the taxpayers $715,000.

We're seeing a lot a face-front Gladys today and it makes me unnerved.

The second installment of Chris Welkin, Planeteer went up yesterday. Check out the comics from December 1951 by Russ Winterbotham and Art Sansom.

If you would like to support me or this website, you can toss some money at the Support page.

Don't You Mean Spring Has Sproinged?

April 15, 1966

I don't like it when family members do this. I never know if I need to remind them who I am or if they are joking around and/or being cute. Anyway, hire me if you want to ruin any family gathering. I'll even dress like this kid if you pay extra.

This kid sounds like the kid in Spike Jones' "All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth", right? Definitely sounds like George Rock.

Brutus spent somewhere between $60-100 on a pogo stick for what is kind of a dangerous bit that could get him or someone hurt and possibly fired and/or sued? I mean, it's his money. And he seems better at pogo-ing than I would be.

Thank you for your support and readership!

Moldy WOLDI Oldie

March 16, 1966

Who's this kid hiding from? Is this a "Home Alone"-type situation or a Rosalyn situation or are his parents trying to punish him? Eh. Whatever is going on, I hope he gets strangled.

It's fine. It's 1966.

I don't know. I think if an older loved one of mine just sat down at a table to listen to the radio, I'd suggest maybe seeing a doctor. "It's okay, Brutus. You just listen to the radio..." Gladys says sadly.

WOLD (102.5 FM) is a real classic rock station out of Marion, Virginia. WOLDI makes no sense as radio stations aren't given five letters. I get what Chip is doing but he should have stopped with WOLD.

Born Loser Roadshow

I am going to be trying something a little different over the next week or so. Starting today, Born Loser posts will be up on Ko-fi. The classic strips will still be there along with today's strip.

In today's classic strip, Brutus does some strange parenting and that doesn't include him quoting Prometheus.

Meanwhile, what is "watching something special"? Is Uncle Ted watching Blossom? Or maybe that episode of Saved By the Bell where Elizabeth Berkeley gets addicted to caffeine pills? Maybe he's watching the first season of How I Met Your Mother, one of the only absolutely perfect TV seasons.

To read today's post, you can go to Ko-fi here.

Ageism In the Comics

November 23, 1965

What I don't like about this comic is that he has two hats. I get that it's cold and god forbid a businessman be seen without a hat on, but this annoys me.

I'm glad his plan didn't work.

Wilberforce really hates old people. I would agree that it's just a kid being a kid, but he seems really vindictive and not just curious. "How does it feel being old?" "How's those wrinkles treating you?" "Surprised you woke up this morning!"

Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope

November 19, 1965

I don't usually compliment this comic strip because it's usually so meh, but I do want to give credit where credit is due. I love the phrasing of this strip. "Me? Paint myself into a corner?", the scoffing noise, the seemingly sinister implications of "escape hatch" which is just the door leading out of the room. The dastardly set-up (for some reason) makes the joke of the strip even better. Take it down a few notches, Brutus. You remembered not to paint yourself into a corner. Congrats, you did the bare minimum.

I'm just imaging Brutus, who shouldn't want to talk to Mother Gargle in the first place, walking by and going "Hey, Mother Gargle. Not dead yet?" and getting more frustrated and louder each time he repeats it because she can't hear him.

Wilberforce, put your own damn clothes away. And scrub out your own skidmarks.

This is a weird question to ask in your own house. You hear someone talking then it is obviously one of the three people who live in your house. She should also be able to recognize her own husband's voice. Unless Brutus uses different voices when he talks to himself. If so, that's some very impressive insanity.

Ever since I left Twitter, I've been on all the other social networking sites, but none of them have come close to what I had on Twitter. I want to be able to step away but I have a website to think about. I guess I could just stop updating my website...

Hey, whatever gets you to show up.

I bet they didn't even catch a tire or a boot. That's how loser-y these two are. They are also so loser-y that maybe they caught malaria, West Nile, or Zika from those mosquitoes.

Summer Boredom

November 17, 1965

Where'd this prisoner get a pickax? I understand letting prisoners have your basic hardware tools--hammers, screwdrivers, saws--because it just makes sense to have prisoners do the routine maintenance around the prison. What else are they doing? But pickaxes seems beyond what prisoners should be able to do. If I were in prison and you handed me a pickax, I would totally think "I wonder if I could escape using this".

Were the video games taken away? Doesn't Hattie begin her Most Dangerous Game contest around this time? Maybe they should make a movie!

Dream Cream--Wait, That Came Out Wrong...

November 19, 1989

Then what happened to Brutus' ball? Sand trap? Water trap? The rough? A wooded area that's not even part of the golf course? It's cute that Brutus thinks that his ball would land that close to the hole.

From 2018.

I had a weird dream the other night. I'd talk about it but I really don't know how to explain it. Or the nudity.

If you would like to support me or this website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.