Brilliant Strategy, Brutus--Words Have No Meaning

July 24, 1988

Why couldn't the bank guy give Brutus the $100? Or why didn't Brutus just get the money from inside the bank? You would think the ATM would just not work if it were out of cash. Seems very inconvenient.

Brutus' PIN is 9999 so if you find his card, that's his code. Honestly, he probably has it written on the card.

Hey! Brutus has another friend! I don't think we've seen this guy before or since, but he's out there. I bet this was one of the last times 'beer' is mentioned in The Born Loser. I think Chip began using the more kid-friendly 'drink' shortly after 2020. A lot of things changed (or should've changed) after 2020.

 

 

 

 

 

If you would like to support me or this website, you can do that on the About page.

Oh, What Heights We'll Hit...

October 3, 1967

I've been wondering this for nearly 19 years. Brutus doesn't seem particularly good at golf yet he plays it constantly. I guess he could just be playing because it's an activity that gets him outside, but still...

Is Wilberforce watching cartoons on Tubi or MeTV, because no one airs old Saturday morning cartoons anymore. And is it me or is Wilberforce too enthralled with Bugs Bunny's antics with Elmer Fudd? Maybe it's one of the cartoons where Bugs cross-dresses and it's opening up some stuff in Wilberforce.

More Than Raw

October 2, 1967

Don't be a hero, Brutus. Instead of trying to say something tough, Brutus should've done something while the robber had the gun tucked under his arm. I mean, I don't know if that's something I would do, but Brutus was willing to do this, so why not just attack?

It's a three-day weekend, Brutus can afford to have tummy bubbles from diner seafood this weekend.

I barely trust this diner with making my chicken fried steak, why would I trust it with sushi?

Wouldn't Everything Be Blurry Before Putting On Your Glasses Anyway?

September 30, 1967

Rake. Rake. Rake.

I can't believe we're missing nearly half a month of The Born Loser for September 1967. I'm sure I could find them, but just a quick search didn't give me what I needed. I'll need to try to find them and maybe put them as a special post or something.

One thing I did find was this ad for The Born Loser being added to some newspaper in 1997. I feel like if your newspaper didn't already have Frank and Ernest or The Born Loser by 1997, then maybe your readers don't really need them.

Brutus Thornapple a precursor to Homer Simpson? That's a bold statement. I wouldn't go that far. Brutus and Homer are not similar at all. Although I think you could argue that today's Brutus is more like Homer because that has been our baseline for pop culture fathers for 40 years.

"I went to the doctor today...and he did everything he could but...I am in perfect health." There's got to be a better way to open this conversation than making me worried that Uncle Ted is going blind. Love and care for your eyes, people!

After Dinner Ailment

September 15, 1967

Ok, I'm not calling the police to chat. If I'm calling the police, then I need the police in some capacity. I'm not calling to talk about my neighborhood, which is looking a little less nice now that I've been hogtied and robbed!

Have we eaten and are now just sitting and drinking coffee to settle our stomachs or something? I'm glad Wilberforce got to eat dinner, but what he's still there for?

That middle panel is definitely something a normal person says

September 14, 1967

Are...Are the Thornapples trespassing in some bear family's house?

Mm. I didn't know Veeblefester, in addition to being the CEO, was also the person who procures general office supplies.

This Could've Been an Email

September 13, 1967

Not only does Brutus' back hurt, his legs are turning into a wispy mist. That can't be good.

Why "Old Zip Coon"? Why not "Turkey In the Straw"? 😭 

Yeah, it took Veeblefester years. Mainly because Veeblefester's father first ran the company and he didn't pass away until he was 93. "Why did you call me in...Are you counting coins?"

Brutus Should Just Use Wilberforce to Cheat

July 17, 1988

Why would you wear a fake nose and glasses when meeting someone? "Cut the tension"? I'm sure there are better ways to do that than wearing something stupid on your face. Now who's the idiot?

Is Hope a cousin on Gladys' side? The women in her family certainly have a type...

I always feel that having different names for things is a way of gatekeeping. "You don't know what 'hook' and 'slice' mean? Don't make me l-a-f-f laugh!"

I hope Wilberforce is able to keep this positive attitude while he's out on the golf course for five to seven hours today.

Up, Up, and Away

September 12, 1967

Mm. Mother Gargle was always a horrid bitch. Good to know. I don't know why this argument requires waterboarding Brutus, but the 1960s were a different time.

Clark Kent is a well-respected international journalist and author who is married to a well-respected Pulitzer Prize winning international journalist and author. Being Superman is quite literally the least remarkable part of Clark Kent. Even without the punchline, comparing Brutus to Clark Kent doesn't make sense.

Late Night Friday

September 11, 1967

I'm guessing this guy is just making up a poem about the water because I could not find any poem or anything with these words. I originally thought it was from "water, water everywhere nor any drop to drink" which is from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner (Coleridge, 1834) but it's not.

Was being stranded at sea something that happened a lot in the past?

Is that Brutus' blond co-worker? I'm a little concerned that Brutus didn't realize one of his closest co-workers has not been at work.

Or is this some other blond guy Brutus knows? 

Yet Another Day, Yet Another Marital Spat

September 9, 1967

Were Brutus, Gladys, Wilberforce, and maybe Teeny were just going to share one giant steak? A least they have a big salad.

We just did this last week! These two need therapy. I'm willing to pay for some of it. Or their divorce.

House Hole

Tim Curry

1946 - 2026 

Should we give Death one more chance to take an 80-year-old in hopes that he'll snag the right one? And you just know that with every celebrity death that gets an outpouring of grief, Trump is wandering around the White House saying this:

Ben Chang is just a little less insane.

 

September 8, 1967

*slams fist on desk* Get me the suggestion box!

*slams fist on desk* Get me Grinch in accounting!

*slams fist on desk* Get me the giant check!

*slams fist on desk* Get me Thornapple!

Hmm. This giant check makes the $225 I make every other week seem even smaller...

Brutus and Gladys' life is literally falling apart. Are the walls just crumbling or did Wilberforce die during the final boss fight and he ran out of continues? "I'll just hang this picture here and no one will be the wiser..."

Can We Call Him Morty Miata Now?

Dolly Parton

1946 - 2026

"Love to hear that Dolly Parton sing!" 

September 7, 1967

I'm glad that Wilberforce is ACAB, but maybe save that for when you can get your own consequences.

Yeah, we're worrying about boulevard stops when kids are just flopping around unprotected in the backseat.

Who's "they"? I have a coworker who drives an orange Dodge Charger and if you saw him, you would not think this guy would drive a car like that. I don't think anybody says "you can learn about a person by the type of car they drive to work" and you can't convince me otherwise.

Sometimes Brutus drives. And once, Veeblefester gave him a lift.

I Want to See Gladys In High Heels

September 6, 1967

I always considered Brutus' hair as "bald" or maybe, and I'm being very generous here, "balding". Thinning makes it seem like he has hair on top and in front.

Maybe someday I'll go through all the jobs that Brutus has held before Art settled on him being a tea cozy salesman for Veeblefester. It'll be a long list like Homer Simpson's employment history.

Look, I have mad respect for the job title of "Mom" but what's Gladys got going on that's so rough? Was she spending hours cleaning up rivers of dog vomit? Her only child is old enough that he needs limited supervision and she never seems to run errands.

How does Wilberforce know the "Ginger Rogers backwards and in high heels" trope?

This Monday was so bad it sucked the color from life.

Desperate Times, I Guess

July 10, 1988

I'm surprised we've only seen Brutus threaten to quit a couple times. Brutus seems like someone who would threaten to quit every couple weeks or so. Especially these days. But it's hard out there anymore and threatening to quit doesn't work as well as it used to...especially when you suck at your job.

I don't know what Veeblefester expected here. Brutus is a salesman, not an ad guy or marketing person. Tea cozies don't need a flashy ad campaign, they practically sell themselves!

They Have, Like, Two More Weeks

September 5, 1967

He got to 240 within five minutes which seems pretty impressive. I know there are 300 seconds in 5 five minutes so you can get to 240 in that time, I just get distracted and slower as I count because I get bored.

Was he counting out loud the whole time and she just woke up, or did he just get to 240 before she got annoyed?

I'm sure if you get right down to it and dive deep into interrogating the children, there is probably something they like about school. But we don't really want to know because it's either going to be stupid or sad.

Starring The Marx Brothers

September 2, 1967

Why do you want Kewpie to beg? Just have her sit or whatever.

Ok. More animal crackers for me then. Seriously, what kind of stupid remark is this? Do you want a snack or not?

Another Day, Another Marital Spat

September 1, 1967

And now they're both going to be slaughtered. It's a shame Wilberforce will be the one to find them. I don't know if Teeny is still around, but she's resilient. She could definitely handle stumbling on dead bodies.

 

*Sigh* Can we get someone to slaughter these people...?

Brutus and Gladys do this about every other month. And every fight is almost exactly the same.

Brutus Is Going to Get Hit With a Wooden Spoon

August 31, 1967

Where do Brutus'(?) feet go? On the wheel hump? Seems uncomfortable and kind of dangerous--as we can see.

I had to write a motorcycle scene in this story (main character was riding on the back of his girlfriend's motorcycle) I am writing and I have never been on a motorcycle so I just treated it like the character was riding a roller coaster. That works, right?

Why is Brutus completely discounting boxed brownie mix? Is Gladys so bad at baking that she can't even stir together a mix, eggs, and oil?

Frozen brownies you just put in the microwave? I need to try this new technology!

Tuesday Shorts

August 30, 1967

Why are we painting chairs? That chair is clearly has fabric on it and shouldn't be painted at all.

They don't cancel your card for spending money. They cancel it for not paying. That'll happen in a couple months.

Bad Leftovers Are the Worst

August 29, 1967

Ah, the sixties, when you maybe actually wanted to talk to someone on the phone because you probably kind of liked them. Running upstairs, making sure you got to the phone. Wait. Why were phones a good idea again?

I can't believe Brutus just laid there as the phone rang loudly in his ear. I would've thrown it across the room, so I might as well just answer the damn thing.

This is what we did for dinner last night. Not ham loaf, leftovers. Although the leftovers did have ham.

Geez, Gladys seems really happy about these leftovers.

Here's Your Random Soda

I don't know if you've noticed but I've been scarce on social media the last week or so. Partly because I started back at work so I'm there for 7+ hours a day, but mostly because social media has been boring and it hasn't been keeping my interest. Honestly, if I didn't have to post links to my website every day to keep readership up, I'd just drift away from social media and spend time doing other things. Between work, school, the park, writing, and reading, I have plenty of crap going on in my life. I don't need social media.

July 3, 1988

So let me get this straight. Absolutely no one had ever been hit on the head by anything until 1666? I find that hard to believe. In reality, even if Titus Thornapple had been hit by the apple, was Titus Thornapple a scientist? Isaac Newton only started looking into what would become gravity because he was isolating because of the plague and had a lot of time on his hands, and because he asked questions because he's a scientist!

I guess Newton witnessed this apple falling, but didn't decide to do any research until six years later.
Friend: "Isaac, what you working on?"
Newton: *sucking on some mercury* "Six years ago I watched this apple fall and nearly bean a guy on the noggin and it gave me an idea..."

Mother Gargle takes the bus from Cleveland to Erie? That sounds terrible. I just figured she drove.

Oh, boy. A watered-down soda, no change, and Mother Gargle is $50 richer. What a crappy Sunday.

Grmblmxf Saturday

August 28, 1967

What is Gladys taking out of the oven? A beehive?

And where do you get olives that size? I want one.

Wasp nests just don't appear overnight. That thing has been there for days. It can wait a couple more hours.

I like putting my feet up as well. I didn't even know Brutus' green chair was a recliner. Maybe it's only a recliner when the story calls for it.