And He's Paying $50 to Ruin This Steak

Did the waiter throw the plate down on the table? "Here's your burnt meat, sir. Hope you choke on it!" I bet I could tell my wife about this choice of steak and she'd be like, "Why is he ruining such a good piece of meat?" I don't even like steak and I eat (and cook) better steak than this.

So You Had a Bad Day

"Oh, well, I'll just start over tomorrow. Also, no point in finishing out these last five minutes. See you tomorrow!"

I like the idea of Brutus stumbling and fumbling his way through work and then at 4:55 going "I'm gonna press reset on this day". "Sorry about losing that client and that important paperwork, but if I could just get some fresh air, I know that I can right this ship." Uh-huh, sure.

Pay-Per-Grain

You know it's nine grains because of the giant number "9" printed on the bag. Or it could be "6", but I'm guessing it's written on the bag elsewhere.

I like stuff with grain in it. Remember a few years ago when everyone was like, "You need to have these grains in order to live a good life" and everyone was just "Yes, that sounds right." If these grains were good enough for Ötzi, they are good enough for us modern humans.

Never Going Back to Red Robin

"We have awful food and slow service at home."

The awful food and slow service at home:

I like that Chip doesn't really use his comic strip to get revenge on common inconveniences and small grudges like Beetle Bailey or Shoe, but this does come awfully close.

Hey, He Handled It

How many tea cozies could Fitzbew Corp. need? I think 2% is a gift. I've never understood who Veeblefester is selling to. Is Fitzbew a Walmart-like company that will sell Veeblefester tea cozies? Who knows? It's never explained.

Brutus Came First, Brutus Should Be the Eldest Child

May 15, 1988

Who's on first? Just keep your car for 3000 more dollars! Or lease a car, I don't know how that works but I've heard about it! I'm surprised Ace Motor Sales waited until the last panel to hang up on Brutus. I would've been done at panel 2 or 3.

Here's Mother Gargle not helping again. To be fair, lots of people have raised children, it's not some huge accomplish. The worst people in the world have raised children or have been child-rearing adjacent. How about we wait a few years to see how Wilberforce will turn out?

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It'd Be Like Those Goofy "How To..." Shorts

I actually did a casting call for The Born Loser way back in 2008. You can still read it although all the pictures are broken. The cast wouldn't hold up today. Kathy Bates is probably done with acting whenever Matlock comes to an end; Bruce Willis is riddled with dementia; and Bea Arthur has been dead for 17 years. Not to mention, the two kids I cast are now in their 30s. Who would I cast these days? I don't know. I haven't thought about it. Honestly, it'd probably be animated and look terrible.

I have been reading a biography of John Quincy Adams and he was a Senator for a short time. He was the one that pushed that if the president is going to purchase a giant chunk of land from the French, Congress should do something to codify it to make it legal. But he saw all these other glaring omissions from the Constitution (Wait, so the Vice President can literally murder a guy and still be vice president and president of the Senate?) and when he would bring this stuff up, other Congressmen would just ¯\(°_o)/¯. I wonder how much our country would be different if we just listened to John Quincy Adams.

Classic strips will return when I get the rest of 1967 organized.

He's Gonna Go to the Beach and Gawk At Beefcakes Like His Long-Lost Cousin Teeny

July 31, 1967

I don't think any one is good enough for Teeny. Live your life, Teeny. Live your life.

Although you might want to stay clear of guys named 'Lance'. They seem hit or miss.

What else is he going to do? He's a kid. He's gonna play--play outside, play video games, play, play, play. Now, just drink your glass of ice cold piss lemonade.

Fitzbew II

July 28, 1967

Londa grew up and added an extra "hee" to her laugh? Hey, Brutus, quit hitting on your cousin. There's got to be more to talk about with her than her looks. School, hobbies, what about the rest of the Smoot side of the family.

Why do they give these accounts to Brutus? They've met Brutus, right? Maybe it's just whoever is next on the list, but is that procedure set in stone? Can't you change it?

Reminder: Fitzbew is both an account and Gladys' ex.

Word Wednesday

July 27, 1967

That is some really strong gum. Maybe Brutus is just a very weak man.

I'm confused by the traffic light. Doesn't it seem like the light is making the pedestrians walk into traffic? I guess you don't need to care about that. The joke is the gum.

I'm glad Arnie doesn't have a sly smile on his face like so many of these Brutus revelations recieve. Brutus and Arnie are reliving some long-suppressed childhood traumas here. It's not much but it's a step in the right direction for their healing.

Hey, Brutus? Do you want to make sure your brain is at the peak of its functionality? I know a guy who has taken three (3) cognitive tests in the last year and a half and he's the most mentally fit person I know. Just to warn you, though. You have to know what a clock looks like and how to repeat words and phrases.