Fake It til You Make It

Brutus is off to do subpar work on the Wimberley account. At least it's Friday. Look, Brutus is apparently a terrible employee but somehow he keeps most of his accounts. I'm sure Wimberley will be fine.

A Summer Reading Program Doesn't Seem Like Something Wilberforce Would Join

I thought this was going to be a joke where Wilberforce says he never got past the first book on his list. Why does he need to remember what happened in it? Does your library/school only count the book if you can answer a short quiz on it?

I just finished a biography on President John Quincy Adams, my favorite president and he was such a man ahead of his time who saw the flaws and holes in our Constitution and wanted them fixed while everyone else in power just shrugged. He stood up for Native American, women, and slave rights at a time when doing that was definitely not popular. He worried for nearly 40 years about the country splitting up over slavery and bemoaned how the Constitution separated powers yet could not overcome party loyalty or presidents just doing what they want anyway. Arguing over admitting Texas into the Union, Adams wrote this in his diary.

"The Constitution is a menstruous rag and the Union is sinking into a military monarchy to be
rent asunder like the Empire of Alexander or the kingdoms of Ephraim and Judah." 

I could spend an entire post just gushing about the guy, but I won't. Although I do wish I was clever and creative enough to write a Broadway musical about him.

Don't Ask Questions You Don't Want to Know the Answer To

"I heard ICE is in town and I want to see how they hold up to someone just as violent as them. Also, do you have any gas-soaked rags?"

This is such an odd request and mainly it's because there's no context. What kind of bottle? Do you want something in it? What are you going to do with it? I don't know about Brutus but I don't really have random bottles just lying around.

Or Else

Don't write a check your butt can't cash. I look at some of the people in charge and am like "Nearly everybody else is probably better at their jobs than these people", but not Brutus. He is mediocre at best. Although his salary should keep up with inflation and reflect his years at the company.

Cut Those People Out of Your Life

Mother Gargle is a very toxic person. I'm not a fan of hers and wish she'd go away. I don't like the way she tries to manipulate Gladys about her marriage. What kind of behavior is that from your mother? That's when you start cutting people out of your life. "Don't come over anymore, Mama. Just stay in Erie."

Sunday Is for Shopping

"I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow.

Photos from Getty Images.

I mentioned to my wife this morning that I hope other politicians read how the bulk of people remember Lindsay Graham, who passed away earlier this morning from a "brief illness", and Mitch McConnell, who had a medical emergency back on June 14 and has been neither seen nor heard since prompting speculation into his death, and not want that for themselves. "I don't want people to talk about me like that!" Well, then be a better person. Don't insert yourself into people's lives, don't take away people's right, and don't attach yourself to a man who is definitely bringing about the end of your country.

I don't have much hope in that though. Most politicians, especially Republicans, are not in government to actually help people and make the country a better place, but to enrich themselves, especially after seeing how easy it is with Trump as the president. Lindsay Graham was even an early opponent of Trump. I don't know what happened but seeing him brown-nose Trump over the last ten years has been disheartening and I hate that I can't tell if it's out of necessity, actual respect, or fear. That's how I feel about any politician who brown-noses Trump. Why are you doing this and no matter what the reason, it makes you a bad person and people are not going to care when you die.

Sure, maybe a bunch of randos on the Internet saying bad stuff about you after you die isn't high on your list of why you should be a good person, but why would you use this limited time on this planet--in this life--to be a terrible person? And again, it doesn't matter what your reasoning is, it still makes you a bad person. Anyway, former Capitol Police Officer Michael Fanone probably says it best "Rest in Piss" to both Graham and McConnell. They could've continued making the country a better place after 2016, but instead chose to make it worse for everybody for reasons we will now never know.

Gladys is looking forward to shopping with Brutus? Okay. It's bold of Brutus to still ask if he could not go shopping and play golf instead when Gladys responded so excitedly to them going.

What's Wilberforce going to do? Is he going to locked in his little cage or what? He certainly isn't going shopping with his parents.

Sick Leave Saturday

I don't think employers can control how I use my sick time. Especially when you don't give us personal or vacation time. So anyway, I guess I will go on vacation and call in sick every day. 

I will admit that spraining your ankle doesn't need an entire week off. Sprained ankles aren't contagious and you can still do your job if you don't need to stand or walk a lot. 

You Need a Cookbook for a Charcuterie Board?

Brutus has never heard of a charcuterie board? And what's this about having a dinner party? Do the Thornapples know enough people to invite to a dinner party? At least there'll be meat and cheese.

Daylight Brutus Time

For all I know, you got that coffee at five o'clock this morning. Your coffee being cold is no litmus test for how late someone is.

I don't know what Brutus is doing here. If I am late, the last thing I want to do is alert that fact to my supervisor. Is this some kind of kink Brutus is in to?

2s Across the Board

Jesus Hornswoggle Christ. Does Veeblefester do evaluations every other week? It seems like Brutus is getting evaluated or reviewed at least once a month. Is he on an improvement plan or something?

Admittedly, this is the best evaluation Brutus has gotten in a long time.