Can We Call Him Morty Miata Now?

Dolly Parton

1946 - 2026

"Love to hear that Dolly Parton sing!" 

September 7, 1967

I'm glad that Wilberforce is ACAB, but maybe save that for when you can get your own consequences.

Yeah, we're worrying about boulevard stops when kids are just flopping around unprotected in the backseat.

Who's "they"? I have a coworker who drives an orange Dodge Charger and if you saw him, you would not think this guy would drive a car like that. I don't think anybody says "you can learn about a person by the type of car they drive to work" and you can't convince me otherwise.

Sometimes Brutus drives. And once, Veeblefester gave him a lift.

Requiem for a Rainy Sunday

June 26, 1988

Brutus' appendix burst and he died of sepsis so Brutus has been wandering around as a ghost since 1988. Why Brutus continues to live his life and go to work when he's a ghost is something that demands attention though.

Glad to see Gladys driving Brutus to the hospital. An ambulance isn't your own personal taxi to the hospital...wait...

 

We've had enough rain around here. I don't know how it's been in Ohio but I swear it's practically rained everyday here in Kansas. I'm certain everything is fine and we don't need to worry about anything.

 

 

 

 

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What's Mother Gargle Got Against Charles Laughton?

August 12, 1967

This time it's just traffic cones. Next time, people might not be so lucky.

I'm assuming Mother Gargle watched the 1939 version starring Charles Laughton and Maureen O'Hara. I don't care who stars in that story, everybody is ugly--Quasimodo, Frollo, the gargoyles. If someone wants to compare you to something in The Hunchback of Notre-Dame just turn around and leave.

So Many Golf Phrases...

June 5, 1988

Brutus did not want to miss one second of this game, I guess. I don't know how Brutus expects to get home, let alone just move his car but I guess that's an issue for future-Brutus.

Oh, no! Are we going to do a week of reruns during the week I bring back the older strips? As long as we stay pre-November 2020 we should be good.

Does Brutus need a lesson on how to make the golf ball curve? Golf Digest has a decent tutorial. They even mention Jack Nicklaus, who, as I understand it, is pretty big in the golfing world.

 

 

 

 

 

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That'll Cost You Extra

Okay, you can just start washing. You don't need my permission. I clearly have already agreed to and paid for this.

Just go to a car wash. It's one thing washing your house. You can't take your house to a Charlie's House Wash. But you can take your car to a Charlie's Car Wash.

Brutus Came First, Brutus Should Be the Eldest Child

May 15, 1988

Who's on first? Just keep your car for 3000 more dollars! Or lease a car, I don't know how that works but I've heard about it! I'm surprised Ace Motor Sales waited until the last panel to hang up on Brutus. I would've been done at panel 2 or 3.

Here's Mother Gargle not helping again. To be fair, lots of people have raised children, it's not some huge accomplish. The worst people in the world have raised children or have been child-rearing adjacent. How about we wait a few years to see how Wilberforce will turn out?

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Who Moved His Cheese?

June 6, 1967

The idyllic calm of the suburbs were rocked today when the front drivers-side tire to a local...milk truck(?) inexplicably exploded today? Based on the information we have, the truck was just sitting there when the tire exploded. It caused local man Brutus Thornapple to have a little fright and spill his can of paint. The milkman was unharmed and unfazed by the incident.

"Why's he always complain' about work when all he does is watch rats run around? I thought he did something with tea cozies, whatever the hell those are."

You Should Just Sit In the Car In the Driveway Longer and Talk About It

I've been mostly offline this past week because The Born Loser has been in reruns so I got a bunch of posts scheduled and just focused, as much as I could, on my writing. It was nice not really knowing what was going on in the world. When I got back online Friday night, Trump was rambling about the reflecting pool and how it doesn't look enough like a hotel swimming pool and then on Saturday night he put on an elaborate stage play about how much we need at $400 million ballroom. I don't know. I say build that ballroom as quickly as possible and then just seal him up inside of it.

March 27, 1988

If Brutus can't make the concert, can the barbershop quartet still go on as a trio? Or, will the trio have to find a fourth and ultimately pull, oh, let's say, Wastrel Gravesite in off the streets to perform with them?

And you may question Brutus joining a men's group that sings, but I feel it's like when Bill joined the Harmonaholics on King of the Hill. He's lonely and depressed and this, inexplicably, gives his life meaning.

"You'll have to walk to Biff Hooper's birthday party." "How come?" Because the car won't start, you idiot! You should know this! You're sitting in the same car!!

Do guest have to be at the party at a certain time or they are locked out or something? "If I'm not there on time, Stephanie Lovelocks won't be there and it's not a party without Stephanie Lovelocks."

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Manic Monday

May 3, 1967

It's the same lever you used to go forward. It's the 'R'. Just do what you did before but move the lever to 'R'. Let Brutus get out of the car first, just in case.

Today was a teacher planning day but I still had to go in for...reasons. I'd rather just not get paid then set up the cafeteria because that's not my job, but to each their own. I mean, we don't get paid for at least one day of each long break so why can't they just not pay us for this day?

What are we talking about? Oh, yes. I'm already done with the week, too, Brutus.

Brutus' Crossed Arms Look Like Stumps

November 29, 1987

Now this makes a lot more sense then this. I can certainly believe Veeblefester would employ Brutus to push his car to save gas (re: money) than Veeblefester stopping and picking up Brutus who needs a ride based on some old family story about Henry Ford.

I don't like when Brutus has an existential crisis. Those aren't funny and I don't want to further precipitate his slide into depression. But I do want to question the "know-it-all" when Brutus was a kid. Really? Was Brutus pretty smart as a child? It's a shame the adults in his life were terrible, but thus is the life of an American child.

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What a Day Keeps Wilberforce Away?

April 3, 1967

What is Gladys' hat? I originally thought maybe it was a feminine bowler hat. Maybe something like this:

But now I'm not so sure.

This is how the United States is dealing with healthcare now. "Just eat apples and you'll be fine. Trust me, I'm Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. and standing next to me is professional boxer Mike Tyson. Between us, we have zero years experience in medical or nutritional fields."

Look at Wilberforce's face in the last panel. "What are you talking about? I'm not asking about onions and I don't really need to know about your love life, Uncle Ted."

God, Just Talking About It Makes Me Start Shaking

November 8, 1987

Is air freight cheaper? Maybe you could reschedule his trip and send Brutus by barge. Sure, it'd take longer for him to get there but he'd be out of the office and out of your hair for quite a while.

Was business class not a thing at this time? I agree that first-class seems a bit much, but coach/economy seems just as bad. You want to convey at least some success and coach does not do that.

I hate when people have car trouble. It activates all my trauma receptors. I grew up never having a new car. My mom's car consisted of, from what I remember, a 1983 Ford Granada, 1986? Mercury Marquis, 1987 Mercury Cougar, with a small handful of other shitty cars thrown in. The Cougar was my mom's last car. It broke down and she got rid of it in 2018(?) and she never had a car or drove again. The amount of times our car broke down and we had to spend hundreds to get it fixed or just get a new car when I was a kid traumatized me greatly. I currently own a 2023 model and have money to fix the car but I get a panic attack every time I think the car makes a different noise.

That knocking doesn't bode well. I'm just gonna say it: A rod is going to shoot through your engine.

Take a look at all of the Saturday posts that have posted over the last year. If you would like to support me or this website, you can see ways to do that on the About page.

The Next Billie Eilish

September 20, 1987

Is Gladys okay? Should I be concerned about her health or her drinking?

Does Gladys need to use the car? Why is she walking away from it? Look, I get that you could just chalk it up to "Gladys isn't the sharpest tool in the shed" or whatever, but this goes beyond that. Far beyond...

I always like seeing people I know doing things I would never think they were good at. It would make sense Hurricane Hattie would be good at singing considering that she probably broke the arm of one of the other kids at the concert just last week.

Of all the throwaway panels in the world, this is the throw-awayiest.

The annual holiday post is up. 1959's Little Gabe and the Golden Stars by Walt Scott. If you would like to support me or this website, you can click the link at the top of the page.

Brutus Vs. Thanksgiving

January 9, 1967

Brutus can't hold his own ashtray or just keep one around? Jesus, some of the bullshit we've put women through makes me question why they continue to be around us and let us live. If I made my wife run over to me so she could catch my cigarette ashes in an ashtray, let's just say that divorcing me would be the nicest thing she would do to me.

I thought Mother Gargle was going to come over last weekend and stay through Thanksgiving? Now, you're going to see her? Or is she staying through Thanksgiving, going home, and then you are going to visit her? Look, I don't really care because we probably won't see much of Thanksgiving anyway, but get the plan straight.

I like the little centerpiece on the table. I've always been a fan of small pumpkins.

Do They Only Have the One Cellphone?

July 12, 1987

Meh. Just run some water into the pot from the sink. Is this really a "life hack" or whatever? Do people do this? I'd be afraid everything would just dump out from the already-open top. Are the bottoms of cans even conducive to being opened?

Is this condensed black bean soup or are they using canned black beans to make homemade black bean soup?

Just call the auto club--or Triple-A if you're nasty and don't care about trademarks and free promotion. All flats are bad and it doesn't look like there's a service station anywhere nearby. Is she in a desert? The vast farmland expanses of the Midwest?

The perspective in the last panel is way off compared to the first two panels with the car.

Yesterday's post was my annual Harry Anderson post featuring an episode of Tales from the Crypt he starred in back in 1990. A series of comic book monsters have been coming to life. Is it just a coincidence or it is because of an artist and his fertility pills?

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That'll Learn 'Im

August 27, 1966

Well, this batch of whatever is ruined. That also looks like it will be hard to clean. I expect more from someone who has two ovens.

Have you heard car horns lately? They're all wimpy these days. Brutus is waiting thirty seconds before honking his horn? No wonder people walk all over him. Five seconds. Ten seconds tops because thirty seconds at a stop light is a long time.

I was stuck at a light yesterday. East- and westbound traffic got a green light as did southbound, but northbound never did. I just turned right and went to the next block. No horn required.

Next Window Please

August 19, 1966

Do you pull that out from under the table every time someone comes over? Seems like an inconvenience to do that all the time. I would just have everyone gather around the dining room table. "Brutus made it with the $700 power tools I bought him for his birthday!" "Wow! Brutus made the entire table?!" "No, the little block under this leg that keeps it from being wobbly."

$700 sounds like a lot for 1966.

Well, why didn't you read the signs? This would never happen where I live because driver's licenses are handled by the state while license plates are handled by the county so they wouldn't even be in the same building.

You Hit One More Person It's Technically a Spree

A neighboring county's sheriff's office posted back in March that a horse was found dead. Believing the horse to have been shot, the sheriff went well out of their way to find out who did it. Getting the Kansas Bureau of Investigation, K9 units, detectives from other agencies, and even veterinarians from Kansas State University in on the investigation, the sheriff ginned up anger from all across the United States and got about $10,000 donated as a reward to catch the perpetrator. Whoever killed this horse was clearly going to have a public hanging.

Then, about a week ago, they posted that the cause of death was discovered. Traumatic brain injury. They caused all this anger and finger pointing for absolutely no reason. Going through the comments on the post, most of them are going "Heh. Yeah, that's a horse for you. Always hurting themselves." Then why wasn't that the go-to explanation until you discovered more? When someone actually did call them out on it, the person was attacked with "They were doing their job" and "Everyone matters or no one matters". But they didn't do their job. They claimed it was murder, got other people to do the work, and couldn't find or do anything until they actually knew what happened. And let's be honest, they did more for this horse than most cops do for a missing or dead person, because they thought it was going to be easy. They even admitted in their posts that criminals that do this tend to talk about it so keep your ears open for people talking about it. The social media for this sheriff's office is run almost like a meme account. It is clearly run to generate views and interactions, so I guess mission accomplished. And all it took was turning neighbors against each other.

Yesterday, my story For Ashlea posted. It's the first thing I've written that I've posted since 2022. It took a lot of convincing myself in order to get it scheduled. Please check it out, and I hope you like it.

February 8, 1987

I guess that's not Brutus' hat? How many hats has Brutus lost now? At least four, I think. Maybe he should stop wearing them. It's the 80s, most guys don't wear them anymore.

I'll be honest. I initially checked out on the word 'oopsie'. I had to go back and read this again. Were they able to get the Thornapple family truckster off the other car or did Gladys get a ride, from I assume a police officer, and the car is still on top of the other?

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Hide-And-Abandon

June 23, 1966

Is it too late in my Born Loser-snarking career to admit that I never understood the title? I mean, I understand that back in 1965, They'll Do It Every Time was already taken, but calling every person in this comic a "loser" is stretching it. Most of what we see isn't loser behavior, it's just life bending us over. Maybe Art should've called this strip Life Bends Us Over.

"Well, I hope they aren't hiding in the abandoned cistern. It tends to flood even when it's not raining..."

I think this would be better if Brutus was sitting watching TV and Gladys walks in. "I'm back!" So? And?

Late Night Quickies

June 16, 1966

Ok, sir. Get back in your car. Just wait for the police. You don't need to beat this guy into a bloody pulp. Let his insurance do it.

How does he fit into that car? "Everyone deserves to drive an automobile, even the very tall..."

It's nice that Brutus always goes into Wilberforce talking about playing sports believing he won. Maybe someday Wilberforce will win one.

What does playing an "intersquad game" have to do with anything in this strip?