Droopy Green Thumb

August 2, 1967

Brutus cares not for your social life, Teeny. Get out of the bathroom! There are other people in this house, you know.

Do (Did?) people normally not keep their toothbrush in the bathroom? You lug it around? Seems inconvenient.

 

Brutus this is serious! This is the only place we get our vegetables from now since everything at the store is so expensive. These plants could mean life or death for us and our little boy. And climate change sure isn't helping.

Rose Is a Rose

July 6, 1967

I don't think you are going to need that much string to fly a kite. How does this even happen? I say cut the loose string and the spool off, tie them together, and just leave Brutus where he is. He's the parks department's problem now.

Charlie Brown had been flying kites (and being bad at it) for about 15 years now so it was already a classic trope.

I absolutely don't care about all the work my neighbors do for their yard. I have to mow and trim back invasive vines which is already too much work. If you're side-eyeing me for doing the bare minimum for my yard, then the problem lies with you.

$95 Sack

June 8, 1967

Is Brutus just chasing around butterflies? Is this his hobby?

I guess what she's saying makes sense. I would just more expect "How was I supposed to know..." as opposed to "I was supposed to know...".

Round up my total for what? For kicks? For shits and giggles? If you want to give $0.99 to a charity, then give it to me. I'm a charity case.

Sure, Bring Back New Strips On a Friday...

Gotta get a new Arbor Day strip out, I guess. That is a very important holiday.

I get that this is supposed to be cute and sweet (I guess, whatever) but I'm going to direct this question at Wilberforce: When have you ever seen someone water a tree? Don't give us that smile, Brutus. This isn't cute or funny.

It's Already 6 - 0?!!

May 20, 1967

The size of the hat explains maybe three of the cards lying there, but not the others or the one currently in the air and completely off-target.

I'm sure there are better uses for those cards. Play some solitaire...

I could've sworn Wilberforce played the outfield. I guess Wilberforce can play both, but Wilberforce being pitcher seems...wrong, somehow.

We still have eight more innings of this humiliation.

I'm Glad to See Brutus' Tour Includes the Watercooler

April 21, 1967

What is Brutus watering? Maybe he's hosing something off like the side of the garage or something. He's just pointing that hose straight ahead. What needs watering is on the ground, guy.

Like that'll stop me. I'll just turn the water back on and spray mother-in-law when your back in turned. *mutters*Waterboard the old bag...

I'm tagging this Mother Gargle even though she's still in her first form here. I'm sure the old witch will show up soon. 🧙‍♀️

"Welcome to work. I hope you know how..."

Brutus, you don't have to make snide jokes and puns about the job. Let it crush this new guy's spirit on its own. It knows what it's doing.

So Really the Award Is for the Donuts

April 7, 1967

🎵Peter Rabbit is a stupid book

About a stupid rabbit

Who steals vegetables from other people's gardens.🎶

I don't know what the rabbit is getting out of these just-planted whatever-they-are, but what do I know about rabbits or gardening? Not much.

Brutus has never gotten employee of the month?! In [mumbles number] years of working for Veeblefester? Even I've gotten employee of the month and I am very mediocre and not at all special.

Take Two of These and Don't Call Here Anymore

January 20, 1966

Wait. That's not a beanstalk. I would just keep sawing that branch off and then just leave that tree alone. I don't need any of the problems that are located at the top of that tree.

One problem I always had with Jack and the Beanstalk is how coincidental it was that the beanstalk grew right where there was a castle in the sky. What are the odds. Are there numerous castles in the sky in this universe?

I'm glad the doctor is taking this seriously. That's what I want to spend this $30 copay on.

I have a laundry list of things to talk about with my doctor when I see her since I am a person of a certain age. I'm sure it'll be great.

Day of Rest

December 17, 1989

I understand how frustrating this would be, but why are you calling Veeblefester? He doesn't want to talk to you and you calling him is weird in the first place. He's your boss. I try my hardest to not have to talk to my boss.

Hey, Gladys. If you aren't going to help with the work, then you don't get to criticize it. There also appears to be five more hours of sun so he has plenty of time to trim those hedges. Or you could do it.

Ugh. Need to replace that picture of Mother Gargle with a picture of Kewpie.

Steven Kraan

It's almost summer which means I won't be getting paid. If you would like to support me or this website, you can buy me a cup of coffee over on Ko-fi.

That's What She Said

As you may have seen, Post News, the social media site specifically created to cater to longreads and journalists is shutting down. As with every other social media site that emerged when Elon Musk took over Twitter and then renamed it to a porn site, I joined and had hoped it could become a new home for these Born Loser posts and maybe more. I was on Post for about six months before abandoning it mainly because I wasn't getting any traction or followers. It was a grand idea and I wish more journalists and writers would've tried it out. It could've been a good place to get your news that's not controlled by algorithms.

In other social media news, about a month ago, I deleted my Hive Social account because it doesn't seem to be getting updated anymore, the founder has locked their account, and it seemed as if I was the only one on my timeline still updating their account. You can check out all my socials on the About page.

September 15, 1965

How much buried treasure is there in this country? You hear stories, sure, but how much buried treasure actually exists in the United States? Is it enough for this guy to buy a new hat? I hope so and I hope he finds the treasure.

Oh! Now Wilberforce is coming for his own father! Again, get wrecked, old dork! Wait. Brutus is roughly my age. Oh, no!!

Here's the real strip. Why can't Brutus just have a damn day off? Let him relax, jeez.

Slurp N Burp

July 22, 1965

This guy is holding the hose like he wants his sexy neighbor to hold his...Can I finish this sentence? I mean, this is kind of a family website but is it really?

Well, that's enough Born Loser for today.

Sports Ball

October 6, 1975

That sap is really running. The tree sap, not Brutus.

Also, I'm a huge syrup nerd and sap doesn't run like that. Why does Brutus care? Does he tap trees as a hobby or something? Is that a hobby people have?

"The ball team"? That could be anyone!

Why does Brutus seem so shocked that Gladys doesn't want to watch sports? Most fictional wives don't like sports, Brutus. It's a very common trope.

Brutus Has to Go to the Bathroom!

September 5, 1975

How can a hose that's only 12 feet long(?) have 9 holes in it? One leak seems to be coming from the house spigot so you probably need to get that looked at.

No. I think Brutus went to the bathroom. He's just not sure where he was when he did. Avoid the vending machine room for a while.

Yet the Umpires and Coaches Allowed the Team to Rack Up 17 Points In One Inning

December 3, 1973

Gladys seems really proud of little flower garden, here. Is the joke that she stole these shopping carts from the grocery store down the street? Or did she steal the carts and the flowers? If that's the case then she is way too happy and needs to find professional help.

I rag on Wilberforce a lot because he's not a very good player, and it's well deserved, but his teammates aren't very good players either. This makes the stories about the abuse he takes from his team much more wrong.

Vegetable Garden

No Favorite Things this week as I was way too busy to figure one out. You can currently read Tank N Tummy #1 on Tapas right now if you weren't into that whole Patreon thing. If you enjoy what I do and would like to support my writing and research, you can buy me a cup of coffee on Ko-Fi.

That does sound terrible. Not because I'd be making something that I don't like--I like vegetables--but because I don't like gardening. I have enough to do around the house without having to deal with things that should technically be able to grow on their own.

985: Or 999

Oh, how Brutus wishes it was just "a rake" but we all know that this is how it went down:

This Land Is My Land.....

I hope Brutus got permission to plant that tree or that he has at least paid any fees for the land. We don't need another Cliven Bundy situation embarrassing us.

Was the Ground Supposed to Be Colored Tan?

I do not have a green thumb (a moment of silence for our lilac bush) so I have a crappy yard filled with mud puddles and mossy-lichen patches. And yes, the mud puddles stick around even when it hasn't rained in a month. What was I talking about? Oh, yes. Brutus should just admit defeat to his yard like I have to mine.

Their Lawn Looks Dead

Who cares if yesterday was the summer solstice? Especially since it's now after the fact. And what the hell is Gladys doing? I assume she's gardening but what is she holding in her right hand?

Is she going to use Wilberforce as fertilizer?

Then You Can Grow...Um...Tomatoes for Sauce?

I've always wanted to start a garden but I'm not sure if I would be any good at it, mainly because things that require me to pay attention to them tend to die (goldfish, plants, girlfriends). Hell, I even killed a cactus one time.

I think Wilberforce should know what you can and can't plant though. I know Wilberforce isn't supposed to be the brightest bulb in the crate but this is stupid even for him. But what do I know? I thought that thing was a pickle and not a spade.