You Should Be Lucky It Only Tastes Gamey

Look. I can't even believe that I, or anyone else, ever has to mention this, but some of y'all spend way too much time thinking about what goes on in little kids' pants. These schoolkids just want to play sports with their friends and y'all are literally making a federal case out of it and wanting to do gender inspections to make sure kids are playing with the gender they were born as. How about you just love, care for, and respect the kids as they are since it literally doesn't hurt you at all. And if that's something you can't do, how about you fuck off?

Ok. Well, you should tell me that the meat was substituted. And your joke doesn't work. The concept of a hashtag has no meaning outside of a social media context. I'm side-eyeing the reader because the pun is definitely not good and not even a good bad pun. It's just bad.

Tuna Tuesday

May 23, 1967

Yes, every man--every human--must face up to responsibility at some point in their life. Unless you are politician. Unless you are a CEO. Unless you are a celebrity. Unless you are unbelievably wealthy. Unless you are six degrees separated from the right people. Unless...

What's Brutus doing? Is he doing a "everything the light touches is our kingdom" thing?

I like tuna. I should eat more tuna. Not eight cans worth of tuna, but at least tuna keeps.

We're a beret family now.

I Mean, I Guess There's Technically a Distinction

April 11, 1967

I always felt like I would like croquet. I don't really understand anything about it. Like what's going on here. I see this as a joke in a lot of things, but I don't understand. And looking it up didn't help.

At least Gladys is having fun. I don't know what's wrong with Brutus. Just enjoy spending time with your wife.

I was trying to think why the vultures had to be English. It's because of the "Keep Calm and Carry On" pun. Why wouldn't Uncle Ted just say British? I don't think the joke needs the nationally at all really.

A Variation On White

Check out this Christmas card drawn by Art Sansom
on the Born Loser Facebook Page.

February 10, 1967

Maybe Doodle doesn't like "jokes" that include the words 'Indian', 'wigwam' and 'whoopee'. Just because it's offensive, doesn't mean it's funny.

We all know that if you have to explain why a joke is funny, it's not really funny. Is that CLUNK supposed to be like when your computer has a fatal error, except this is Brutus' brain?

I saw all the discourse about cloud dancer when it happened two or so weeks ago and I am not getting into it again. If you don't like the color, you don't have to use it. And that joke isn't a good one, Brutus. Needs work.

Uncle Ted Took Up This Hobby Just to Make This Joke

August 24, 1966

Thornapple is just spelling it how most people say it. We rarely say "information" and slur it together into "infermation". To be honest, I don't know if an 'O' could even fit on that sign.

Ok. Well, so far you are only making a stake. Invite me back over when that stick becomes something worth talking about.

Shouldn't he be whittling over a trash can or something. There's going to be wood pieces all over the chair and floor.

How Rich Is He?

March 19, 1966

Quincy does seem kind of snooty and not a good reader of people. If it weren't 1966, he'd definitely be autistic. Instead, he's just...well, kind of snooty and not a good reader of people.

"Wow! We should kill and eat him. We should seize the means of production. We should rise up and eliminate our capitalist overseers. Burn down the country, and start anew!"

This doesn't make any sense. Veeblefester would never waste money on a wishing well, no matter how much it is.

Is Hattie Brutus' Best Friend?

February 23, 1966

Viva la Revolution!!

Living in a country where firing squads might become the norm, I hope there are some out there able to convince the soldiers to direct their rifles over to the commander. I'm surprised he was allowed to talk enough to sway opinion.

Aren't roosters and crocodiles essentially the same thing? Modern day dinosaurs? My amalgam of crocodile and rooster--croosterdile--makes a bit more sense. But I give this riddle a solid 4.7 out of 5. It's way better than Gladys' pathetic attempt.

Riddle, Riddle, Who's Got the Riddle?

February 12, 1966

Ha! Women! Can't play golf! Look at how she's holding the club. Perfect!

Everything I learned about golf is, interestingly, from comic strips. It's so weird how cartoonists all golf. But I also learned about golf from "The Golf Game" episode of I Love Lucy. Check it out and either impress or piss off your friends with your new golfing style.

Can't those guys just ask to play through?

Come on, Wilberforce. You didn't even try to guess the riddle!

I'm on day five of snow day which extended our winter break. No one--staff and students--is going to know how to do anything when we go back.

You know what doesn't help Wilberforce get to his bus on time? Distracting him with stupid riddles.

Trash Panda

October 27, 1965

What is this PTA meeting? Don't get me wrong, it's nice seeing parents involved in their children's school. This is a vastly bigger turnout than the zero parents I usually see show up. I'm just confused who this guy is. On a scale of 1 to 10, how inappropriate is this joke?

Just put a rock on top of the lid. Keep things in bags? I always feel when people complain about animals in their trash, they just put their trash loosely in the can and not in bags. There are raccoons and possums around here, too, and they've never made an awful mess of our trash.

Perhaps a Ghost?

October 21, 1965

What is with the hats lately? There's this thing. Tall boy. Tall derby. Porkpie Thing. The Quincy Madison. Tall derby II. And feather in his cap. Today we got Not Quite Tall Boy and Butt Hat. Could the men of 1965 not figure out a standard hat to wear?

That man was fully expecting to get squirted in the face and he has never been so disappointed.

He has been weight-lifting!

I think Brutus just farted really loud coming down the stairs and is trying to lie about where the noise came from. I don't know how he intends to lie about the smell.

I'm Going to Ignore the Bad Joke

Gordo, August 28, 1965

I appreciate Gus Arriola putting in all the sounds cats make when they wash themselves.

That is a very well-drawn cat.

September 20, 1965

You're going to die thousands of miles from your loved ones and you are upset about not having matches? I mean, I guess I get it: You have these cigars, why not smoke them, but still, get your priorities straight.

Is Brutus' stomach in knots because he has a crush and that crush just got into a new relationship? Eh. Probably just some bad pudding or something.

Six More Weeks of Mother Gargle

June 17, 1965

I'm assuming that an "'in' gag" is like an inside joke. I'm also assuming that the man in black made a joke and the other guy is being too boisterous especially considering he shouldn't understand it. Or maybe the other guy read a joke and the man in black isn't laughing because he had to be there to understand it.

I don't know. These old strips are something else. And we're only a month into them!

The groundhog did not see its shadow so spring will come early this year. I'd link an article to prove it but you can look that up yourself. Am I supposed to do everything?

Even Wilberforce is getting tired of the constant barbs between Brutus and Mother Gargle. He and Gladys should leave them and Brutus and Mother Gargle can just jab and insult each other until they die.

Waitaminute...

It's the same Wilberforce.

Such a Terrible Diner

January 26, 1977

Veeblefester wouldn't have laughed anyway because I'm sure he's heard the one about the farmer's daughter. It's 1977. Every man, woman, and child has heard the one about the farmer's daughter.

Two carrots? Are they just two raw carrots? Will Brutus be eating carrots like Bugs Bunny?

Monday Quickies

January 22, 1974

Maybe it's better the fur all flew off and is on the floor now. You don't want the fur all covered in red paint.

I looked up how to keep your fur coat from shedding and fur coats seem complicated to own. Why would you want one?

"I'd like to see another eye doctor..."

The Worst Day of the Year

January 21, 1974

This is good. Even with the outdated terminology.

You would think that by now, where we have people making AIs and deepfakes and basically "joking" their way through the internet for clout, LOLs, or sense of superiority, we'd move beyond April Fool. Life is already a minefield of gaslighting and abuse without having an entire day of it.

That's Some Good Side-Eye

November 7, 1973

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply carved: Returned unopened.

Well, I would say that Brutus is going to get another talking-to from human resources but it's 1973 and this kind of stuff is okay.

Maybe math gives Wilberforce trouble because "good at math" isn't something that's hereditary.

Technically Not a Riddle

August 20, 1973

Brutus' swimming must've really looked bad out there. This guard is a better person than me or any of our faithful readers:

I don't know what I'm more curious about: The guard's weird triangular outfit, his tiny hat that's still on his head despite being in the water, or Brutus' swim trunks.

Brutus didn't even try. I at least act like I'm trying to come up with an answer when I'm asked a stupid riddle. Brutus could at least play along. It's not even that hard of a riddle.

Wednesday Quickie

March 7, 1975

I'm going to start using this in conversation.

Admiral Ackbar Loves Cannoli

January 5, 1974

I went to school during the 1980s and '90s so did kids volunteer to "keep the minutes of" the meetings? Meetings? What the hell? It's school. Right? This is school, right? Or is this some weird Christian Youth meeting that just happens to meet in a school? The '70s were weird.

This joke probably went over really well at the key party Chip hosted last month.

Mother Gargle doesn't seem like a person who would want to watch Star Wars so maybe we had her all wrong. (We didn't.)

Where's That Giant Cane That Drags People Offstage When You Need It?

What are you getting Gladys for Christmas, Mother Gargle? What are you getting?

2018.