A Friendly Conversation

It's a shame that Brutus and Gladys were having a nice conversation until Brutus stroked out and lost his train of thought. It's also a shame that all Gladys can do is shame her husband. Shame and insult.

An Uglier and Balder George Clooney

Years ago, I was bored and did a casting call for a Born Loser movie. I was pleasantly proud of most of the actors I cast. The two I was most proud of were John Larroquette as Veeblefester and Rhea Perlman as his wife Lividia. I stand by those choices. I don't know who would play the Thornapples anymore and Bea Arthur is dead. Maybe it's time to make a new casting call.

Dog Math

Look, I'm coming off a 36-degree temperature in my house so I'm not really in the mindset to talk about what's going on here. I can only think that Kewpie is repeating what Brutus is saying ("one"(woof)"plus"(woof)"one"(woof)) and not answering the problem.

And She Seems Really Proud of That

Brutus has a hard-on for Lincoln, I guess. Here's a comic about one of the worst presidents which I think is a little unfair because how much could he possibly get done in 30 days?

William Henry Harrison by Paul Kirchner and Gray Morrow, from The Big Book of Losers (1997) from DC Comics and Paradox Press.

Nobody Loves Brutus

Look, get over it Brutus. Wilberforce and Gladys are valentines. They are going to go out and have a nice dinner at Olive Garden or Longhorn Steakhouse, take a romantic walk in the park, and finally conclude the night at the dinner table with a lone candle sharing a piece of tiramisu. You and Kewpie can just sit on the couch and watch TV and sharing a bowl of macaroni or something.

Doom Service

 

I've been reading comic books since the early 1990s. Aside from the few Archie digest comics, I didn't really have comic books until I began collecting TaleSpin comics. I then got a stack of random comics as a gift and this comic was one of them. The Amazing Spider-Man #350 was one of my first comic books and, for a long time, one of my favorites. It's a good issue that a first-time reader could get into. You don't necessarily need to read the previous issue and you definitely don't need to read the next. Written by David Michelinie with art by Erik Larsen and Randy Emberlin. It has a cover date of August 1991. Bob Sharen did the coloring and Rick Parker did the lettering. The issue was edited by Eric Fein, Danny Fingeroth, and Tom DeFalco. Being a 350th anniversary issue, it's a double-sized extravaganza. Let's get into it.

Continued from the previous issue, Spider-Man is at a Long Island Resort to stop The Black Fox, a common jewel thief, when he runs into Doctor Doom. Spider-Man wonders what Doom wants with the Black Fox but Doom just says that it's personal. Despite his best efforts, Spider-Man tries to stop Doom from hurting the old man but it doesn't go well.

With Spider-Man out of the way, Doom corners the Black Fox and demands the Dragon's Egg--a large diamond evidently stolen by the Fox in Monaco. Unfortunately the Fox has already sold the Dragon's Egg which Doom hopes he's lying about. Spider-Man is able to get Doom away from the Fox and toss him across the room. Doom begins shooting lasers at the ceiling causing it to collapse. The Black Fox is able to escape so Doom decides to turn his anger toward Spider-Man--who is already beaten pretty bad.

The Dragon's Egg belonged to Doctor Doom's mom (aw). He loaned it out for a charity function where it was accidentally left out and then stolen. Doom, of course, is trying to get it back as it's one of the only things he has left of his mother (aww). Since Spider-Man allowed the thief to get away, he must be punished. Spider-Man throws a table at Doom who retaliates by shooting electricity at a gas stove causing the whole floor of the building to explode.

Spider-Man decides that he's had enough of being beaten to a pulp and tries to escape. He's able to keep Doom at bay for a bit but his spider-powers are a bit wonky and Doctor Doom is just too good of an adversary. Surprisingly, Doom pauses at killing Spider-Man because the police are on their way. Spider-Man convinces Doom to let him have 24 hours to find the Black Fox and find out where the Dragon's Egg went. Doom agrees. Meanwhile, The Black Fox returns home and is also determined to find the Egg.

Peter Parker wakes up the next day aching and not really in the mood to be Spider-Man. The Black Fox gives up his money in order to find out who bought the Dragon's Egg while Peter wonders why he always lets the Black Fox go. "Why am I so soft-hearted about one old man?" Maybe it's because he reminds Peter of...Uncle Ben!

Peter's right to be concerned but Uncle Ben is here to help Peter out. Uncle Ben, for some reason, retells Spidey's origin, but it is an anniversary issue so it's expected at this point, just to get to the theory that Peter lets the Black Fox go because he's afraid of the Black Fox's disapproval. What? Ok. Anyway, Peter gets to where he's going where his head injury really kicks in and he passes out. Sadly, Peter spends several hours in the hospital and only has a short amount of time to find the Black Fox and finally bring him to justice and do Uncle Ben right. Mary Jane, rightfully, thinks it's a bad idea to go Spider-Man-ing in his condition but with great power and all that claptrap.

Spider-Man follows the Black Fox to New Jersey where Fox is going after Andrew Carpathian, the leader of the Arcane Order of the Night who needed the Dragon's Egg so he can awaken a giant swarm of insects and rule the world. Spider-Man recruits Black Fox to help battle the cultists which gives us some great Erik Larson Spider-Man action.

Being told Black Fox is here, Doctor Doom arrives as the 24 hours is up. With Carpathian's lackeys focused on Doom, Spidey is able to get the Dragon's Egg and stop the swarm from forming. The Order retreats and Spider-Man happily gives the Egg back to Doctor Doom who then turns his anger to the Black Fox who must be punished. Spider-Man convinces Doom not to kill the Black Fox but instead destroys the Trask Diamond which Fox was going to use for his retirement.

Fox thanks Spider-Man for saving his life and prepares to leave. Spider-Man stops him and instead takes the Black Fox to the police, positive that Uncle Ben would be proud.

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Are You Admirable or Impish?

The rec room? Oh, you mean the basement.

Brutus isn't wrong. Why would Santa--who has a vast network of "mall Santas", parents, and Elves on Shelves--not be watching year-round? Why would he only watch between October and December? So I can be bad, and not just bad but evil, January through Halloween but once November 1st comes around I just stop being bad and I get presents from Santa? That's not how that works.

Happy Birthday, Abraham Lincoln! Hope You Like Crap!

 

"Is there something funny about my Lincoln's birthday tribute?"

Yes, is this something you do every year? You dress up like Lincoln and recite the Gettysburg Address for your wife and child? What's the point of this? Do you dress up as George Washington on his birthday? Is it always the Gettysburg Address or is it something different every year like the Cooper Union speech or his first inaugural speech? What about the lyceum address?

I can't believe this is a thing that Brutus did and that his wife and son stuck around to watch.

Odd Strip

Why does Hattie want to know Gladys' measurements? That's weird. It's also weird that Gladys doesn't look like a 36-24-36 and Hattie being 21-21-21 is also strange. This whole strip is strange and perpetuates societal body shaming.

Rubba-Dubba-Dub

So close.

Why is Brutus asking if people can recite a tongue twister? Is he in first grade? Are we suddenly in an episode of Born Loser Babies (alternate title: Thornapple Babies) and the baby characters are just vastly off-model? This is a professional work environment, Brutus. We don't need these childlike games here.