Does This House Not Have the Internet?

All of breakfast is basically just dessert. Your cereal has sugar in it or you may put more on. You pour syrup over everything or whip cream. Even if your breakfast consists of eggs, potatoes, and bacon, you will still have something sweet to go with it.

I Don't Know What the Teacher Expected

What in the world kind of grade school teaches about the Mayflower Compact? For those who don't know, the Mayflower Compact was a document written and signed aboard the Mayflower that established the first government of the Plymouth Colony. It was written because the people aboard the Mayflower who weren't escaping religious persecution said "Ain't no one the boss of us" and the Churchy McGees were like "Oh, yeah?"

Anyway, I looked it up and the Mayflower Compact isn't part of grade school curriculum. Middle school, yes. But not grade school.

And It's Just That One Paycheck

HAPPY 157th BIRTHDAY, KANSAS!!

Veeblefester is going to use those nice tax breaks that corporations got to reinvest in his company. Sadly, Veeblefester will never mention that those bonuses also come with a few layoffs or a cut in hours for some employees and certain politicians will threaten that if they aren't reelected that you'll never get another bonus for as long as you live but all that doesn't matter because you get a temporary tax cut that goes up significantly in two years and may or may not be renewed and a large chunk of money now that you probably won't put back into the economy.

Kansas In the Union!!

Kansas Admitted!

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Reception of the News!

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Yesterday Morning, The Conservative, in an extra, announced to the people of Leavenworth the long-wished for and glorious tidings of the passage of the Kansas Bill. The news flew like wild-fire. Men seemed to forget all other considerations, and to unite heart and hand in giving expression to the universal joy. At every corner might be seen throngs of enthusiastic people giving vent in cheers to the general gladness. At an early hour a large number of the members of the bar waited on Chief Justice Ewing and Judge McDowell, with their congratulations, and spent with them an hour of unwonted hilarity. About noon, old Kickapoo, in the presence of a joyous crowd, sent forth, in thunder tones, a greeting to the now sister State of Missouri. The day was given up to general rejoicing. Those who entertain the singular notion that the people of Kansas did'nt want to be admitted, would have been startled by the demonstrations of yesterday. Then hurra for the STATE OF KANSAS! Our days of probation have been long and tedious, but we believe the future, upon which we are about entering, will amply compensate for the dangers and toils of the past.

LET US ALL REJOICE!

In the troubles of Kansas was created that great party which, at the last national election, gave to the nation a President. Our position, as the battle ground upon which the new slavery issue was fought, gave us a prominence for which subsequent events developed our fitness. Upon us--a new people--emigrants and soldiers of fortune all, was precipitated the most momentous question which has ever yet agitated the American people. We met the issue. The history of Kansas, even now, stands prominent in the annals of the nation. To rehearse the story of the struggle between slavery and freedom in his Territory, would be but to recount a story familiar to the whole civilized world. Now is not the time or place for such a history.

The election of Lincoln, glorious as was the triumph, was, in our estimation, far less important and decisive than the admission of Kansas. Against our devoted people have been arrayed the whole force of the slavery power. The ingenuity of the pro-slavery partisans has been exested to its utmost to prevent the recognized expression of the will of the Free State people of Kansas. Every resource having been exhausted, the president, manly efforts, and the godlike courage of our people have at last prevailed, and the glorious reward, so gallantly earned, has been doled out to us with an unwilling hand. Yet we accept the boon--accept it gratefully, and hasten to take our place as a free State in the glorious Confederacy. Knowing as we do, the resources of our State, and the courage and endurance of our people, we feel that this accession will go far to fill the gap made by the seceding States.

Our people have an abiding love for, and a loving faith and confidence in the Union. This love and faith has been bred in the bone--it has stood the test of desertion, and even oppression; but is as strong and confident as ever. For them, we send greeting to the sister States, and if ever the time should come when the Union and the Constitution should call for defenders, we pledge the faith and the strong arm of that gallant people, who, for the institutions they loved, have heretofore trod the wine press of oppression, and come out unscathed in honor from the trial.

Then, to our Republican brethren of Kansas, we send one joyous greeting--to Republicans everywhere we extend the same joyous greeting. The grand stimulating triumph of Republicans has been achieved. Kansas has been admitted.

WE WILL FIGHT FOR THE UNION.

The news of the admission of Kansas, announced by THE CONSERVATIVE yesterday--and only by THE CONSERVATIVE, no other paper in Kansas having the news--was the most important that ever reached our borders.

Kansas was organized as a Territory more than six years ago. The bill organizing the Territories of Kansas and Nebraska became a law in May 1854. Up to that time, all territory north 36° 30' had been declared free by the Missouri Compromise. The Kansas-Nebraska Bill abolished the Missouri Compromise, and left the people of those Territories, as it said, "perfectly free to regulate their domestic affairs in their own way." The Administration, however, as well as the framers of the Bill, were in favor of slavery. The terms of the Bill were popular, their real intent and meaning despotic. South and North entered the field after the enactment of this law, and made a trial of their strength. The Federal Government and the Federal troops were on the side of slavery; but the FREE LABORERS of the North were too powerful for their opponents. For the first time in the history of the country, Slavery was beaten, overpowered, driven from the field.

The terrible fight between slaveocrats on the one side, and honest freemen on the other, we cannot rehearse here; we can only say that the same thing occurred in Kansas which will always happen hereafter. The North whipped the South; "greasy mechanics" and "mud sills" out-emigrated the chivalrous and high-born aristocrats of the South. Against power, against money, against every social advantage, the "poor whites" fought their way through and triumphed.

Since that victory was obtained, Kansas has gained more rapidly in population than any other State in the Union. The free States contain more than two-thirds of the people of the whole Union; their political principles are based upon the eternal, democratic principle that "all men are created equal;" and when the slave States beat the free States, the Devil will beat God. Unless infidels are right, unless injustice is the rule, unless hell is heaven, then Freedom is the ultimate destiny of the whole human race. Yes, of the whole human race. We speak the words of inspired truth, as well as the hopes of finite creatures. As sure as we live under a Divine government, all men will yet be free.

Long and impatiently have we waited for admission into the Union. We first asked for a State Government under the Topeka Constitution--which the House of Representatives adopted in 1856. Next under the Leavenworth Constitution. More than a year ago, the Wyandott Constitution was presented to Congress--it did not become a law until Monday.

An instrument purporting to represent the people of Kansas--though everybody knew that it was a miserable lie, and represented nobody but South Carolina--known in history as the "Lecompton Consitution"--was forced through Congress in 1858. It didn't come to anything. You can't buy up the people of Kansas. It was killed, killed, killed.

But amid the enthusiasm of to-day, we have no time to review our past political history; it is known to all mankind.

It is sufficient to announce to our people that we are at last a State. They will rejoice everywhere; on all our prairies, on every hill side, in every valley, when the glad news reaches them. One universal shout will go up from every heart for the Constitution and the Union.

Whatever other States, urged on by prejudice and fanatic zeal, may say or do against our country and its glorious flag, the people of Kansas with one heart and one voice, will fight forever for that Union, under which our liberty was first secured, and through which it has ever been maintained.

If the dread necessity shall come, if an appeal shall be made to the arbitrament of the sword, we will fight for the stars and stripes till the last enemy is vanquished, till the last drop of blood oozes from our veins.

The preceding was reprinted from The Daily Conservative, January 30, 1861. Published in Leavenworth, The Conservative was the first newspaper to announce that Congress had approved Kansas to be a state. 

Kid Eternity #2

The entire gym class stood in two lines underneath the ropes. “I can’t believe the state requires students to know how to climb a rope,” Izzy said. She was in one line while Cory and Chase were in the other.

“I suspect it’s for some kind of Hunger Games scenario,” Chase said.

“Ha! Sucks to be the next generation,” Cory laughed. Cory stuck his hand in the pocket of his gym shorts and found a note. “What the…?” he pulled it out and read it.

2907 waits.
Hope you like politics.
-Yoshi C

“Well, at least he didn’t use ‘afoot’ this time,” Chase said.

“How did he get this in my pocket?” Cory asked.

“How did who get what in your pocket?” Issy asked.

“Nothing,” Cory said. “How am I supposed to get out of class? Coach Rockne will never excuse me.”

“I have a plan. Follow my lead,” Chase whispered. “Damn, Cory. What did you eat this morning? Did you shart yourself? How long ago did you die?”

“Really?”

“I said follow my lead.”

Cory rolled his eyes. “Oh, my stomach. Coach, I can’t hold it. I gotta go,” Cory didn’t wait for an answer and ran to the locker room doors.

Everyone stared at Cory, some chuckled. Coach Rockne shouted. “Next semester we’ll get into nutrition which might help you not embarrass yourself like that,” he pointed to the locker room with his pencil.

“Looks like we’re going to face off against each other,” Izzy said.

“It’s not a competition, Izzy,” Chase said. “But I’m going to kick your butt.”

“Oh, but it’s not a competition?” Izzy scoffed.

“It’s not. No offense but you’re a girl.”

“You have two seconds to recalibrate.”

“Girls have no upper body strength and are notoriously bad climbers. It’s why they climbed out of the trees first those thousands of years ago,” Chase explained.

“So women are more evolved which is why we’re so weak and puny? This is insulting and makes no sense.”

“Fine. If you think you’re so great at shimmying up a rope let’s make a bet. If I reach the top first, you buy me dinner at the Taco Hole.”

“Okay. If I win then you have to buy me a giant stuffed animal--something rainbow or pastel-colored.”

“That’s what I want to hear,” Coach Rockne exclaimed. “That’s what gym class should be. Two gladiators competing for dominance. Two students enter, one student leaves. Let’s do this.”

“I always thought I would die in gym class,” Chase said.




Cory arrived in 2907 in some sort of stadium or arena with thousands of people in seats, standing, and just milling about. He found Yoshi and went up to him. “Where are we?”

“The People’s Republic National Convention in Portland, Oregon. It’s like the Democratic or Republican conventions of your time,” Yoshi said.

“900 years in the future and we still do this?”

“It’s like a reality show now. The four candidates with the highest ratings are chosen. They are then put in a thirteen-episode series where an audience votes for their favorite two. Those two then get placed on the ballot and voted on.”

“Holy crap that sounds awful. When did all that start?”

“2024.”

“Makes sense,” Cory sighed. “So what are we doing here?”

“There’s an issue with our candidate over there,” Yoshi pointed at an older lady talking to the crowd. “She is by far the best candidate for the job but as it turns out she gets America closer to an autocracy than anyone else and just a few years after she is term-limited, America goes back to being ruled by a king.”

“Well, we can’t let that happen,” Cory said. “I’m sure we could just talk to her. She’s probably very reasonable and would understand completely. What’s her name?”

“Barbara Ann Blocher.”

“This will be easy.”

After Blocher’s speech, she left the stage and went down a hallway. Cory and Yoshi were waiting. “Make sure to get the new poll numbers as soon as they are out,” she said. “Also, ask the governor of Colorado why their delegates didn’t seem thrilled to be here. It looked back on the television.”

“Yes, ma’am,” replied an assistant.

“Excuse me, Ms. Blocher,” Cory went up to her.

Blocher sneered. “What?”

“Can I talk to you in private? Or just, step over here for a second?”

Blocher looked over at her bodyguard. He stepped forward but she waved her hand. They took a couple steps from the small crowd. “What do you want?”

“I would like to ask you to drop out of the race. It’s hard to explain but your election has serious negative repercussions for the country,” Cory explained quickly.

“So I win?”

“Yeah, but serious negative repercussions for the country and all that.”

“I’m not dropping out,” Blocher said.

“I can’t allow you to stay in the race,” Cory responded.

“You can’t stop me. No one can stop me,” Blocher yelled and hit Cory with a full-force punch sending him down the hallway and through the concrete wall and into the building next door.




Chase and Izzy stood at their ropes and looked up as Coach Rockne and the class looked at them. “All right. First one to the top get the taco dinner.”

“Or the giant stuffed animal,” Izzy said.

“Yeah, whatever,” Coach Rockne rolled his eyes and sighed. “On your marks, get set, go.”

Izzy and Chase jumped up and began climbing the rope. They started out climbing at the same speed but as they reached the middle, Chase began slowing down. “This was a stupid idea,” Chase said, sliding down the rope a bit and burning one of his hands.

“I agree. Why’d we do this?”

“I just wanted tacos. I could’ve just went and ate some after school today.”

Izzy stopped climbing and looked at Chase who also stopped. “Do you want to stop this stupid contest?”

“If you want to,” Chase panted.

“Nope,” Izzy said and continued climbing, harder and faster.

“What? You tricked me,” Chase continued climbing but was now a few paces behind Izzy.

“There are no rules,” Izzy said. “You just climb until you reach the top. Climb until you’re free.”

“What?” Chase stopped climbing again and looked at Izzy.

She reached the top and screamed, raising her fist in the air. “Suck it, Chase. Suck. It.”

“Good job, Miss Azuz. The whole class expects pictures of James giving you your gigantic stuffed animal. I’m sure it will be pathetic and humiliating. Everyone down in the locker room,” Coach Rockne said and the kids ran off to the locker room.

Izzy slid down the rope a bit before jumping off and landing on the floor. “Are you still trying to reach the top? Just come down,” she said.

“I can’t. I looked down by accident and have now apparently forgotten how to use my arms.”




“Why didn’t you tell me she had superpowers?” Cory asked as he flew back into the stadium and landed next to Yoshi.

“I figured you would figure it out when she didn’t seem threatened by you,” Yoshi said.

“Thanks,” Cory turned to Blocher. “Wait. That’s it. That’s how I’ll get her to drop out. It’s going to hurt but I think it’s the only way.” Cory went up to her and lightly slapper her.

“You insolent slug,” she bellowed and began pummelling Cory. He fell to the ground tried to block her punches. “I will teach you a lesson. Nobody gets in the way of Barbara Ann Blocher and lives.”

She continued hitting Cory. A crowd was gathering including media outlets with cameras and microphones. Blocher soon realized what was going on and stopped hitting Cory, who quickly got up and scrambled away with Yoshi.

“I know what this looks like,” she said and tried to laugh. “I was just…”

“Hitting a fourteen-year-old,” Cory yelled at her. “I just wanted an autograph.”

“No, no. That’s not what happened. I have witnesses,” she pointed at the two guys with her.

They shook their heads. “You were still hitting a teenager, ma’am,” one said.

Blocher continued to try to talk her way out of this. Cory looked at Yoshi. “I think we can go,” he said. They walked off behind a corner and entered a portal that took them back home.

Cory walked through the halls at school after return, heading to his next class after gym, which was already ten minutes in. When he walked in, everyone looked at him. “Mr. Buchanan, where have you been?”

“I was...personal issues,” Cory answered and quickly sat down.

“Where’d you get that black eye?” Izzy asked quietly.

“What?” he touched his eye softly. “Ow,” he gasped.

“What were doing in the bathroom that gave you a black eye?” she asked.

“You don’t want to know,” Chase interjected. “The mere fact you have to ask should tell you it’s a sordid and sad story.”

“Mm,” Izzy wrinkled her nose and went back to paying attention to the teacher.

From Living to Dead

As many of you have probably found out, Mort Walker, creator of the hit comic strips Beetle Bailey and Hi and Lois passed away yesterday at the age of 94. Walker was one of the last great cartoonists still living and his contributions to the comics page will last forever.

Beetle Bailey

Hi and Lois

Boner's Ark

Sam & Silo

"Do you think I've changed much since our wedding day?"

"Is that what we're going to do today? Fight?"

Very Purple and Yellow Today

"You're ugly is what I'm getting out. Boom!" Brutus runs out the room, giggling wildly, arms flailing in the air.

Can Wilberforce not make a sandwich himself? What pressing engagement does Gladys have all of a sudden? How much money do we have to give Chip so he'll never draw that face in the last panel again?

It's 65 Degrees Where I Am

Because then you wouldn't know it was broken...?

There's an episode of The Twilight Zone called "The Midnight Sun" where the Earth has changed trajectory and is now heading into the sun. It's revealed that SPOILER!! the Earth going into the sun is just a fever dream of one of the characters but the Earth is actually moving further away from the sun so we're all freezing to death instead of roasting. It's always made me wonder which people would rather have. Would you rather have the Earth getting constantly hotter or constantly colder?

Personally, I always colder because I can layer my clothes, I can put on a coat or a blanket and the natural body heat will keep things a warm as possible until the sun is just a star in the sky like every other star. Getting hotter, you can only remove so much clothing and the air conditioner will only work so much before you're being driven insane from the heat.

In related selfish promotion, read my story "The Final Day" which is a story of two people at their place of business waiting for the end of the world after the sun goes out.

I Would Say Brutus Is More of a Clever Boy*

Brutus is one of Veeblefester's most loyal and, despite his many flaws, is actually decent at his job. But, no, go ahead and call one of your best employees "dopey". That's why people don't like you.









*The title is a reference to the PlayStation 2 game, Snow White and the 7 Clever Boys which had this horrifying box cover art.

Tauy Creek Digest #42: We

Let's imagine that everything that objectors and detractors said about President Barack Obama were true. Let's imagine that Barack Obama was born in Kenya. Let's imagine that Obama did make our country less safe. Let's imagine he undermined every value that we, as Americans, held closely, that he wanted to remake the United States into a country that is one step removed from Marxist Socialism where being patriotic and religious were egregious offenses that could get you ostracized from society, at best. If you can actually imagine this then you would probably understand why there are people who spent eight years wishing that Obama would resign, be impeached, arrested, something because he is clearly a criminal who doesn't deserve to hold the title of President of the United States of America let alone be duly elected to the office.

The ones who truly believed even just one of the above scenarios are now the ones telling the other side that they are just being crazy. That their fears are unfounded and that President Donald Trump isn't so bad. We are now the ones imagining these things. The difference is that we aren't imagining it. If even one of the above scenarios were even near the truth, Congress would've done something. The FBI would've done something. Something would've been done. Since nothing happened, at any time during those eight years, then one can assume there was no reason or precedent to even attempt to censure or remove President Obama from office. I now understand how frustrating that is. I now understand the frustration in waiting for the other shoe to drop and that Trump is forced to resign or be removed from office. I understand the anger these people felt seeing a man they don't like seemingly damage the country they love. The difference is that we aren't imagining it.

We have over 40 years of history on how Trump acts, how he runs his business, and how he treats people. We have over 240 years of how we believe politicians--good and bad--should act. We have 13 years of Trump falling prey to the fakeness of TV, conspiracy theories, and willing ignorance. It's baffling that we have people who believe Trump isn't all he says is and even more baffling that they believe that they can fool the rest of us.

When Trump was elected and then inaugurated, I had a hard time convincing myself to write. I went months at a time without writing anything but I came up with plenty of ideas. Finally, over the summer I began writing and I've been trying to make up for lost time. I'm trying to get caught up with the Story Series, Digest issues, and The Point of Beginning along with the couple of novels and collections I am currently working on. While I understand that most of my writing, and others', doesn't jab at the politics controlling our country right now, it doesn't have to.

The mere fact that people are out there, producing works of art, is enough. Whether it's acting, painting, writing, whatever, it speaks volumes. Even if you support the current climate and produce art, you are still contributing to the culture of this country--a culture that is wildly varied and more than just the sum of our parts. The culture of this country dates back thousands of years, it incorporates hundreds, maybe thousands, of different cultures. We are not just a country of one type of people, one type of art, one type of culture. We are many. We are one.