The Big Pumpkin Sur-Prize

We'll continue with this story and find out who is behind the vandalized pumpkin in a moment but first this blast from the past. An Archie comic strip from 1947 and some rather...unusual language.

"It gets kind of butthole at times"? This is an unedited Archie comic strip from April 2, 1947. The odds of 'butthole' being slang is very slim so this may be the work of an artist or letterer trying to have a little fun or a draft no one was supposed to see that ended up in rotation. Either way, there is an Archie comic out there with Archie calling a job 'butthole'.

1208: Archie 666

I love endings. Whether it's a TV show, book, movie or comic book or comic strip, I love endings. I love seeing how the creators plan on wrapping up the storyline. I've seen good endings, bad endings and just...endings. Archie Andrews first debuted in Pep Comics #22 back in 1941 has been published continuously since then. His own title, Archie, began in 1942 and yesterday, came to an end after 666 issues. Archie Comics plans on relaunching the title next month with an all-new Archie #1. What I really loved about #666 were the variant covers featuring the cover dress of past titles from the Golden Age of Archie Comics. The six variant covers commemorated Archie (1942-2015, 666 issues), Blue Ribbon Comics (1939-1942, 22 issues), Top-Notch Comics (1939-1942, 27 issues), Pep Comics (1940-1987, 411 issues), Zip Comics (1940-1944, 47 issues) and Jackpot Comics (1941-1943, 9 issues).

But what about the story? Is the last Archie story a good ending, bad ending, or just an ending?

The story opens with Archie getting in trouble, as usual, from put-upon Riverdale High principal Mr. Weatherbee.

What follows is Weatherbee giving Archie his 666th detention and an order to repaint and repair the hallway on Saturday or face expulsion. The remainder of the story is Archie wondering what he's going to do while the other Riverdale students reminsense about how terrible Archie is but also how kind.

I love the nods to the Life With Archie series that featured Archie literally taking a bullet for Kevin and current zombie-filled series Afterlife With Archie.

What I kind of hoped for, when I realized what this issue would contain, was flashbacks directly from the series, showing Archie screwing up from the '40s to today with footnotes noting which issue the screw up was from. Maybe that's what they did but just didn't notate it because who's going to go back and find an Archie comic from 1954 just to read about Archie putting lead weights in one of Ms. Grundy's textbooks? Only one panel had a footnote and it was for a more recent issue. Is everything wrapped up in a nice, little package? Depends. All-in-all, Archie #666 is your typical Archie comic which is definitely not a bad thing. Archie Comics has lasted 70 years on this simple formula and it's classic, timeless and always receives a chuckle.

I don't know if the relaunch of the Archie titles will last or how it will all work out but as someone who has read Archie comics since learning how to read, I wish them well and hope they continue to be as influential.

When I was a kid, I used to call David Letterman "David Waterman". I don't know why and when my mom would bring it up, I was always confused as to why I did that. She didn't even know why so I guess I just misheard his name. Why I couldn't just read his name on the screen, I don't know but whatever.

I'm not a late night talk show fan so David Letterman retiring doesn't really bother me. As long as he doesn't lobby to get himself back on television, gets placed in a primetime slot and when that show fails finagles his way back into late night by usurping Stephen Colbert's gig. Wait, that would never happen because Letterman, despite his personality, is a class act.

Back to School Bonanza

School will start or has started for probably everyone lately so there will be an extended post today featuring more than just The Born Loser. But with all good news, there has to be some bad news. This will be the last regular posting for "Losers Are Made, Not Born". As some of you may know, I have not been happy with the quality of the commentary on the strips lately. While I usually don't outright make fun of the strip, I try to keep my comments moderately humorous or at least thought provoking. That hasn't been happening lately and I am disappointed with what's being posted. So what's going to happen? Well, I'm going to take most of next week off and start posting the Born Loser strips where I can actually come up with something to say or ones that pique my interest. I am still looking for contributors to start their own features either on a daily or weekly basis so if you are interested, let me know.

And now, on to the comics:
Garfield

Now Garfield confuses me more!! I always thought Jon could understand Garfield but he can't? So Jon is a psychopathic weirdo with issues like Garfield Minus Garfield portrays him? AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

Crankshaft

Is it wrong for a Crankshaft strip to make me laugh? Well, this one did because we've all done it. Found something on the Internet that fit what we were talking about and copied it, not knowing what it really means.
"Likely as not a ruined head gasket
Spitting at every power stroke, if not a crank shaft
Bearing knocking at the roots of the thing like a pile-driver:
A machine involved with itself, a concentrated
Hot lump of a machine
Geared in the loose mechanics of the world with the valves jumping
And the heavy frenzy of the pistons."

Funky Winkerbean

"Because, honestly, his life didn't suck as much as it could."

The Family Circus

Looks like the Keane family is floating down the Cahulawassee River. Luckily, Billy has a "purdy mouth" and Bil loves to squeal like a pig.

Blondie

Do they even make trading cards anymore? I was once so proud of my comic book trading cards but now they are worthless. Worthless!! When are trading cards going to make a comeback. Soon, I hope.

Archie

Hmm. Let's see. What gesture do the kids use these days? Ah, the thumb's up. That's a timeless classic. Much like mother-in-law jokes and husbands are lazy on the weekend gags.

Beetle Bailey

That's not how the brain works. You don't just have random things you're thinking about bouncing around in there. Oh, well. What does a computer know about how the human brain functions.

B.C.

That's right, B.C. Encourage children to ask women where their tan lines are. I can hear my son at school now: "Hey, Emma, show me your tan lines." Oh, and let's also encourage impressionable girls to accept money in exchange of taking off their clothes.

How'd this get past the editor?

Apartment 3-G

"So that's who's been living in my vagina the past three months..."

Born Loser

What's Brutus eating? A flattened biscuit? An irradiated peanut? I don't know.

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 (AJGLU-3000) Explains "Archie"

Hi folks, I'm introducing a temporary feature this week since I've started a new job, the writer and artist from the Archie comic strip the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 (or the AJGLU-3000 for you Curmudgeon fans) will take the reins and try to explain why today's Archie is funny. Let me know what you think.


[insert text]
Here, I tried to lure the reader into thinking [[Mr. Lodge]] actually likes [[Archie]]. [[Veronica]] then reveals that [[Mr. Lodge]] does not like [[Archie]] but is simply distressed about what is happening in the news. From what I scan on ''The New York Post'' and view from clips on ''Fox News'', this is what you humans are currently worried about and therefore it makes this situation funny. The framed picture of the money bag is something I came across while scanning a page from an old ''Scrooge McDuck'' comic book.
[end text]

What's That Apron Protecting?

Yeah, we get it, Pluggers are old.

Ok, I am tired of this storyline in Get Fuzzy. Just so you all know I didn't like "Dr. Strangelove" either. I also think "E.T." is a bad movie and don't get me started on "Kill Bill". I refuse to watch the Pixar movie "Cars" and have enjoyed every movie with Lindsay Lohan.

What's wrong with Curtis this week? He has been such a brat that it makes me hope someone starts beating him soon. I'd happily do it.

Why is he yawning twice in the second panel?

So does Crankshaft just go to random funerals to laugh at the deceased?

I get it now. His wife's soul has been transferred into the cat! Hmm, I don't really know if I'd want to clean out my wife's litter box.

Electro has a son?

I love the irony that Electro can't pay his electricity.

Yeah. I mean who really wants to see Little Reggie?

How sad. And after he introduced her to his bookie.


I don't think that's how that works. Just shovel the damn stuff.

Yes, Let's Get Physical

Before we get to today's comics, let's play a game. Here we have the first panel of today's Archie.

Now, which direction do you think the AJGU-3000 will take? A "Jughead likes food" direction? How about "delivery person wants a tip" or even the rare but beloved "weird pizza toppings" or "Archie falls for the delivery girl". The possibilities are multiple and I think the answer will surprise you.

That's right. A thrown pizza joke.

I hear you cry.


So Crankshaft is so evil, he takes great pleasure in watching little kids shatter their bones on a huge rock while they are having fun.


Maybe if you chase him with torches and pitchforks.....

I would think it'd be quite warm to nap in.  Is she even going to wear shoes to nap?  Now that seems uncomfortable.

It's Me Or the Dog

Before we get started on this entry, just a quick note about The Amazing Spider-Man:

As you may or may not know, fellow comic blogger Mike P has moved his "Amazing Spider-Blog" over to Meekrat Entertainment on WordPress. Go check it out and look at the other stuff he does including "Choose Your Own Blogventure".


Okay, time for a pet peeve of mine. Do people not notice the carton is empty? They grab the milk carton out of the fridge and begin pouring but they don't notice the carton is almost lighter than air?

And what about the person who used all the milk and put the empty carton back in the fridge? They, too, need to be punished.


Only $380,000? I looked up an obscure 16th Century Italian painter and discovered his paintings started at nearly a million dollars. So, no, Rover doesn't love you.


Does Archie spend all of his time at the Lodge mansion? Why doesn't Mr. Lodge just kick him out and if Veronica says "boo" he can just cancel her credit cards. Because Veronica does love money more than Archie.

But then again, who doesn't?


Does this mean something is finally going to happen?

No, probably not.


Mason Mastroianni apparently doesn't laugh very much...


Damn it all!! Kewpie is the family pet. He belongs to everyone. Brutus, Gladys, Wilberforce, everyone in the household. I don't want to have to tell you again.