Golf-bledy Gook

May 24, 1987

So. Much. Crime. Too much crime. Was Cleveland, Ohio just a cesspool of crime between the 1960s and 1980s? According to Art Sansom's The Born Loser, yes it was.

Why is Brutus even in this rough neighborhood? Does he usually have to transfer buses on this street when heading to or from work? Also, bus stops in rough neighborhoods tend to be well-used and fairly populated.

A lot of times the first couple panels of a comic strip don't appear in the newspaper. Which is why these throwaway panels tend to either contain exposition not needed for the rest of the strip or its own separate joke. Today's is some exposition that doesn't make sense. "I cannot wait to get out on the golf course again!" Who's been stopping you? You can leave right now and go golfing. Is your golf pro keeping you from the course? Just leave now.

From 2018.

In case you missed it, on Saturday I posted about one of my favorite movies as a kid, Rock-A-Doodle. It's a retelling of Chanticleer but if he became Elvis Presley. Spoiler alert: People probably died in the floods.

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Can We Go Back To Talking About Malts?

May 17, 1987

I don't know. Is it? I think no, it's just frowned on. It's so weird how many comics hang their entire punchline on readers knowing the rules of golf.

It's nice to see a woman playing golf, though. Unless her being a woman is supposed to be part of the punchline. It's so hard to tell sometimes.

Ok. What would you like to do? You want to go out to a nice dinner? See a movie? Paint the town red as it were? Then you gotta make plans. Doesn't mean we'll be going out because maybe Brutus will get a gallbladder attack like I did yesterday. Hard to enjoy a Saturday when you can barely move and are spasming all the time.

Yes, please stop Mother Gargle from talking about all the dates she used to go on in high school. I have nothing against stories like that, but I do have something against How I Met Your Grandfather-esque stories that last about two seasons too many, has no character growth, and an unsatisfactory ending.

Take a look at Saturday's post on the Towhead Creek Bridge. If you would like to support me or this website, you can leave a tip on the Support page.

Cool Breeze

April 19, 1987

This is how I always feel when I have to comment on a golf comic. I can only say so much about it. The ball is only half a foot from the hole! Just wake up and tap it in!!

Yeah, and? Turn off the furnace and let me enjoy my chilly house and glass of ice tea on this hot summer day.

"You've got the air conditioning running full blast! I can't make my brown-tinted AI slop when the house is this cold!"

If you haven't seen the new Superman movie, please do so. You won't regret it. I want to go see it again. In the meantime, Superman and Batman are on the trail of a vampire in this review of Action Comics Annual #1 from 1987. If you would like to support me or this website, you can click Support at the top of the page.

Bowling for Golf

March 1, 1987

I am always a person who says to charge what you are worth. Doctors (and lawyers) are not required to talk to random people about their ailments or lawsuit possibilities. Why would you bill her? No one made you talk to her about her gall bladder. You could've told her to just make an appointment and walked away.

What kind of party is this and why is Brutus here?

Brutus would somehow figure out a way to be bad at bowling, too. Drop the ball on his or someone's foot, throw the ball into the other lanes, somehow jam the ball return mechanism so he doesn't get his ball back. The list of screw-ups is endless.

Hey, the throwaway panels are back.

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You Could Also Just Stop Playing

July 8, 1966

I am constantly carrying trays of food and dishes and I've never dropped them--no matter how impressively loud my kid was coming home from school.

What were you even doing? Cleaning up your social club's tea party you had earlier?

Stop hitting the ball twice as much as you have to? I don't have any good golf advice, a lot of what I see about golf is just hit the ball hard toward where the hole is. I don't know. Have you tried doing that, Brutus?

Driving Faster Than Sound

July 1, 1966

Men, amirite?! But seriously, men suck. What is your stupid bowling bowl doing under the table. Put it in a closet or the garage or something. It's not even in a bag! How many times did Gladys and Fifner stub their toe on it as they ate dinner?

I like the bright colors in today's...WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE SPEECH BUBBLE!!??! How does a mistake like that even happen? It's going off-panel, which leads me to ask what the original panel looked like or who does the speech bubbles? I swear to God if it's AI...

It's clear that Brutus is the better golfer, right? Knowing how Veeblefester is, it's not prudent to beat him at something. Although I would argue that it's prudent to beat him with something.

A Golfer's Wife

February 1, 1987

Is Brutus a jerk here? According to the actual definition of 'jerk (derogatory)': "a contemptibly obnoxious person", so I guess you can say Brutus is that. Anymore, I feel 'jerk' is used for someone who is consciously mean--a nicer way to call someone an 'asshole'.

"So by rule..." and then what? Depending on how they were playing, either they have to play the hole again with the correct balls or the player who hit first loses the hole. I guess we'll never find out because Gladys can't stand to talk to and/or listen to her husband.

Y'all know you are supposed to like who you're married to, right?

Everyone Loves Golf

June 9, 1966

Fifner is not a given name. Fifner is a surname. According to Ancestry, most Fifners in the United States settled in Ohio and, I guess, Art Sansom knew them all.

I guess Fifner is kind a of prototype Wilberforce. Like with Quincy Madison becoming the star, I wonder how close we were to "Fifner Thornapple"?

September 1, 2018

This is a favorite? Ok.

I guess it combines two things we all love to see. Brutus getting hit on the head and golf.

Tuesday Night Quickies

May 21, 1966

Women. Can't drive. Can't take a joke. Can't golf. These kind of strips aren't going to get old at all.

It's a Tuesday. He was probably outside during school and going to and from school. Leave him alone.

Man's Luxurious Hubris

March 12, 1966

Thing is, she couldn't do that again if she tried.

I don't see how the ball could hit that tree and then practically go straight up, but what do I know? I don't really know physics.

Dolores and Gladys. I'm not gonna judge that team until I see a spec script. Do we have to keep the beret though?

I'm pretty sure if you installed a heated steering wheel on your 2014 whatever you have, the car would explode.

Riddle, Riddle, Who's Got the Riddle?

February 12, 1966

Ha! Women! Can't play golf! Look at how she's holding the club. Perfect!

Everything I learned about golf is, interestingly, from comic strips. It's so weird how cartoonists all golf. But I also learned about golf from "The Golf Game" episode of I Love Lucy. Check it out and either impress or piss off your friends with your new golfing style.

Can't those guys just ask to play through?

Come on, Wilberforce. You didn't even try to guess the riddle!

I'm on day five of snow day which extended our winter break. No one--staff and students--is going to know how to do anything when we go back.

You know what doesn't help Wilberforce get to his bus on time? Distracting him with stupid riddles.

Uncle Ted's Balls

June 29, 1986

I was going to comment that 70¢ seems like a lot, but it's only 23¢ per minute which seems like a steal. Pay phones rose to a quarter starting in 1984 so 23¢ is a discount. Or this payphone in 1986 was still a dime and Brutus just got royally screwed. Well, joke's on the payphone. The Born Loser is still around while payphone after payphone are removed and tossed in the garbage.

How does this cut costs? It should be "the one who loses the least buys the root beer" because the one that loses the least number of golf balls has lost the least amount of money. The way Uncle Ted phrases it, the person who loses the most balls has to pay to replace his balls (heh-heh-heh!) and pay for the root beer.

They should just steal golf balls from Mr. Anderson.

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Twack!

June 8, 1986

I mean, I guess...

I can't believe Veeblefester is out playing golf and he's not just sitting in the cart, doesn't have a caddy, doesn't have some goon to cheat and help him win, or some other annoying yes-man. You'd think Veeblefester would at least have a caddy. Maybe he's making Brutus carry everything.

I mean, I guess...I have absolutely no idea what is going on in this strip or what these words mean. Honestly, you lost me after titanium head.

In golf, do you have to get your ball in each hole? What if you hit the ball so hard that it goes in the next hole? Your at hole 3 and you hit the ball into hole 4? Is that a Par 0 and Par 1 or do you have to get your ball in hole 3?

If you or someone you know are having thoughts of suicide, contact a trusted person or professional counselor. If you are in the United States, you can contact the National Suicide Hotline by phone or text at 988.

My Ko-fi experiment didn't work so I will be using next to update and repost over here. If you would still like to support me or this website, you can still buy me a coffee over on Ko-fi.

Dream Cream--Wait, That Came Out Wrong...

November 19, 1989

Then what happened to Brutus' ball? Sand trap? Water trap? The rough? A wooded area that's not even part of the golf course? It's cute that Brutus thinks that his ball would land that close to the hole.

From 2018.

I had a weird dream the other night. I'd talk about it but I really don't know how to explain it. Or the nudity.

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Just the Fax, Brutus

September 8, 1965

Finally, some action at this golf course. Did you specifically bring those cymbals or do you always carry those around with you? This guy was going to receive both the Club Championship Trophy and the Senior Club Championship Trophy (He won both!) but now he will just be embarrassed in front of a large and distinguished group.

Uncle Ted, you are not that old. Also, this joke doesn't make sense because the fax machine was invented in 1843. Faxes became more prevalent in the 1920s and 1930s and the first commercial fax machine (basically what we use now) was made in 1964.

If Uncle Ted ever had to transfer files, the documents were probably on carbon paper or photocopied, which was invented in 1938. I've had to fax exactly one thing in my life and I did not like it. Just take this email I sent you with a scan I made from my phone, thank you very much.

Why Is Mother Gargle Attacking Me Like This?

I stopped being on Twitter back on October 1st. I said I was taking a break and just haven't returned and probably won't. I have deleted most people I followed on there and locked my account so there's no incentive to go back. I did post one update offering up some BlueSky codes. I still have some if you want one, just reach out to me at one of my many social networking sites.

I have been getting back into writing over the last couple of months, and I would like to start posting them somewhere. I would also like to start making even a little money from writing. As soon as I figure out how and where to do that, I'll let you know. But you came here for The Born Loser so let's get at it.

June 11, 1977

Brutus Thornapple's Putting Challenge.

Where is Brutus? A golf course? A park? Just a field by his house? How big is his yard?

I don't know why Brutus has to be grinning like an idiot but Mother Gargle, and I mean this with my entire being and apologize for the profanity, can eat my whole ass and die.

50

Heathcliff made his debut on this day 50 years ago. Here, Heathcliff's wacky supporting characters are flooding the streets to honor the original orange cat that they love and fear.

I don't think there's going to be enough cake.

September 3, 1973

I'm shocked you can get a raw fish at this ice cream parlor. I guess Westfinster has always been very accommodating toward Heathcliff.

January 8, 1986

Brutus balanced that flowerpot on his head all the way home? That's pretty good. If only there was a way to monetize that. What was Brutus doing at the florist? He didn't buy anything.

I don't understand any of this. This comic is clearly only written for the golfers who read the Sunday comics. Short game? I don't know what that is, and nobody tell me because I don't want to know.

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That Golf Cart Doesn't Have Shade?

December 8, 1985

Oh, good. Brutus is getting his life together. He's stopped smoking and drinking and seems at least ambivalent that Mother Gargle is here. Then she insults him and drives him right back to smoking, drinking, and an early grave.

Brutus must feel bad about not being a good conversationalist back on July 2 (which you can read a cool BTS story here) and is trying to make up for it. Sadly, Veeblefester is not one for small talk--especially inane stuff like the weather and things he doesn't care about, like sports. I would suggest asking Veeblefester how he made his first million. Well, the first million he earned after getting a million dollar loan from his father.

I'd Rather You Were Teaching Him to Drive a Car

November 24, 1985

It's cool that Veeblefester is at work with a cold, spreading it to all his employees. The one person at work who probably has paid sick leave and he comes in anyway.

Calm down, Gladys. This happens all the time. Wilberforce is 9. Practically a man.

They just left and didn't say where they were going? And what they chose to do was golf?

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Brutus Isn't Taking Wilberforce With Him

August 15, 1974

The guy two seats behind Brutus can clearly see so anyone further up should definitely be able to see. Eh, at least the nice guy behind Brutus who doesn't like to assert himself is able to see now.

Maybe she just didn't want to see Brutus' shirt anymore.

He could start now and become a good golfer by the time he's ready to play professionally. He'll grow to love it. I feel that happens with most golfers.