I'll drink just about any kind of coffee as long as it doesn't have mint in it. Mint is the suck.
Monday, February 01, 2010
We Had One of Those Flavored Coffees--Mocha Minty or Something. We Both Threw Up a Little
I'll drink just about any kind of coffee as long as it doesn't have mint in it. Mint is the suck.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Yummy Down On This
I got two posts for you because for some reason I didn't get anything posted yesterday. I will also have a DCR post up sometime later in the afternoon.
Zeke Swizzle? Gladys sure dated some weirdly-named guys while in high school. Brutus is mainly upset because Gladys lost her virginity to Zeke's Swizzle Stick.
Also, Brutus is talking aloud to his computer, heaping praise on it and doing just about everything to stroke his computer's ego except inserting his penis into a USB port in a sexual manner.
Zeke Swizzle? Gladys sure dated some weirdly-named guys while in high school. Brutus is mainly upset because Gladys lost her virginity to Zeke's Swizzle Stick.
Also, Brutus is talking aloud to his computer, heaping praise on it and doing just about everything to stroke his computer's ego except inserting his penis into a USB port in a sexual manner.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Editorial Comics Review (1/29/10)
Before we get to the editorial cartoons of the last week, first a couple things that have been swirling around the Internet the last few days:
1. President Obama's State of the Union Address
I didn't watch the SOTU speech nor am I going to read it but I did read articles talking about the highlights. I am one of the many who has become disenchanted with the way Obama is handling what's going on in Washington. I don't necessarily blame Obama but I do blame the Senators who are in power for not working together and trying to help this country. Instead, they are working to try and keep their jobs in 2012. Maybe if you actually do work, you'll be able to be reelected.
But it's a new year so here's hoping Obama can get some stuff done. Democrats need to quit being so chicken shit and Republicans need to actually start offering up solutions instead of complaining about what the Democrats and Obama are doing. We have the ability and the power to make this country great again but, and I know this is cliche, we need to work together.
2. Paul Shirley's Letter to Haiti
Call me an ass but I completely agree with what Paul Shirley wrote. It's harsh, I know and I think that's why people caused such an uproar about it. On the surface, Americans really do want to help people in other countries but inside, we're thinking: "Why? How are they going to use our money? What's in it for us? Have you people learned anything from this?" and we hate feeling that way so when someone actually points it out, we get angry and defensive because it's true.
The only part of the blog I don't agree with is the more insulting part of it:
Ouch. Now that's too harsh. But look at Haiti's history. They haven't learned from their past and those who do not learn history... Like I said last week, the United States seems to always offer the most aid than any other country in the world. Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and dozens of other towns. Guess who gave the most. Us, first of all, then Canada. Most other countries donated at most $9 million (Australia), at least $100,000 to Red Cross or something similar or they offered doctors, military, water to the hurricane victims. Ironically, only 5% of the $894 million has been spent on what it was donated to do.
No one helps us as much we help them. We need to stop helping other nations and start using the money we donate to ravaged areas to help out our own ravaged areas. The $379 million sent to Haiti could really help out our own people hurt by unemployment and foreclosures.
And now onto the comics:
by Robert Ariail 1/27/10
South Carolina has some pips doesn't it? I think it's too much to hope that South Carolinians set down and coordinate this stuff which is why they seem to stay in the news. For those who don't know, Lt. Governor Bauer compared people on welfare to stray animals. You give stray animals/poor people food and they breed. I've always heard you don't feed strays because then they hang around and are possibly diseased but I guess breeding works too.
by Michael Ramirez 1/28/10
Someone, anyone, name a good one-term president.
I'm not saying any president who has only served one-term is a terrible president but our current one-term presidents (Carter and Bush, Sr.) seem to do more out of office than they did in.
I wish someone would compare Obama's first year with that of other president's first years to see how it compares. I can't remember how Clinton's first year went, or Bush, Sr's and I wasn't alive for Reagan's. I remember George W. Bush's first year and the only reason he got stuff done was because of 9/11. No one seems to remember he did nearly nothing then took a month long vacation in August. I remember this because I was also in Texas while Bush was. For more on President Bush's time in office before 9/11, click here.
by Henry Payne 1/23/10
Ah, hypocritical hippies. They want to save the planet but never seem to offer any other solutions. They buy nickel-battery hybrid cars but don't want you mining for nickel. They do realize they aren't melting down the coin for those batteries right?
It's crap like this that make people like me go "Well, this is complicated. Screw this," and I don't want to do that. I do want to be greener but the proponents of it seem to be trying to make it difficult.
1. President Obama's State of the Union Address
I didn't watch the SOTU speech nor am I going to read it but I did read articles talking about the highlights. I am one of the many who has become disenchanted with the way Obama is handling what's going on in Washington. I don't necessarily blame Obama but I do blame the Senators who are in power for not working together and trying to help this country. Instead, they are working to try and keep their jobs in 2012. Maybe if you actually do work, you'll be able to be reelected.
But it's a new year so here's hoping Obama can get some stuff done. Democrats need to quit being so chicken shit and Republicans need to actually start offering up solutions instead of complaining about what the Democrats and Obama are doing. We have the ability and the power to make this country great again but, and I know this is cliche, we need to work together.
2. Paul Shirley's Letter to Haiti
Call me an ass but I completely agree with what Paul Shirley wrote. It's harsh, I know and I think that's why people caused such an uproar about it. On the surface, Americans really do want to help people in other countries but inside, we're thinking: "Why? How are they going to use our money? What's in it for us? Have you people learned anything from this?" and we hate feeling that way so when someone actually points it out, we get angry and defensive because it's true.
The only part of the blog I don't agree with is the more insulting part of it:
Dear Haitians –
First of all, kudos on developing the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. Your commitment to human rights, infrastructure, and birth control should be applauded.
As we prepare to assist you in this difficult time, a polite request: If it’s possible, could you not re-build your island home in the image of its predecessor? Could you not resort to the creation of flimsy shanty- and shack-towns? And could some of you maybe use a condom once in a while?
Sincerely,
The Rest of the World
Ouch. Now that's too harsh. But look at Haiti's history. They haven't learned from their past and those who do not learn history... Like I said last week, the United States seems to always offer the most aid than any other country in the world. Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans and dozens of other towns. Guess who gave the most. Us, first of all, then Canada. Most other countries donated at most $9 million (Australia), at least $100,000 to Red Cross or something similar or they offered doctors, military, water to the hurricane victims. Ironically, only 5% of the $894 million has been spent on what it was donated to do.
No one helps us as much we help them. We need to stop helping other nations and start using the money we donate to ravaged areas to help out our own ravaged areas. The $379 million sent to Haiti could really help out our own people hurt by unemployment and foreclosures.
And now onto the comics:
by Robert Ariail 1/27/10
South Carolina has some pips doesn't it? I think it's too much to hope that South Carolinians set down and coordinate this stuff which is why they seem to stay in the news. For those who don't know, Lt. Governor Bauer compared people on welfare to stray animals. You give stray animals/poor people food and they breed. I've always heard you don't feed strays because then they hang around and are possibly diseased but I guess breeding works too.
by Michael Ramirez 1/28/10
Someone, anyone, name a good one-term president.
I'm not saying any president who has only served one-term is a terrible president but our current one-term presidents (Carter and Bush, Sr.) seem to do more out of office than they did in.
I wish someone would compare Obama's first year with that of other president's first years to see how it compares. I can't remember how Clinton's first year went, or Bush, Sr's and I wasn't alive for Reagan's. I remember George W. Bush's first year and the only reason he got stuff done was because of 9/11. No one seems to remember he did nearly nothing then took a month long vacation in August. I remember this because I was also in Texas while Bush was. For more on President Bush's time in office before 9/11, click here.
by Henry Payne 1/23/10
Ah, hypocritical hippies. They want to save the planet but never seem to offer any other solutions. They buy nickel-battery hybrid cars but don't want you mining for nickel. They do realize they aren't melting down the coin for those batteries right?
It's crap like this that make people like me go "Well, this is complicated. Screw this," and I don't want to do that. I do want to be greener but the proponents of it seem to be trying to make it difficult.
Women Talk, Part Deux
I swear we've seen this joke before but I am too lazy to go look for it. And I mean it, exactly like this. Almost word-for-word.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Delaware Affections #1.8
Randall Point was a quarter mile strip of land that jutted out into the ocean. The strip of land was wide enough for a road that circled around a lighthouse. On the northside of the road were odd-looking beach houses that were built in the 1960s.
Randall Point was developed by James V. Randall in the 1950s when he spent millions renovating the lighthouse and reinforcing the strip of land. Then, in 1962, he began building the beach houses which everyone was sure would be destroyed in the first hurricane. Forty years later, they still stood.
Laurie arrived at one of the houses and knocked on the door. A guy she didn't know answered and looked at her suspiciously. After an awkward moment of silence, Laurie pulled out her invitation and showed it to the guy.
He then eyed the invitation suspiciously but soon stepped aside and let her in. "Gotta keep out the 'untouchables'," he chuckled.
Laurie went over to a corner of the front room and somehow a bottle of beer wound up in her hand. A girl walked up to her and pointed at her.
"You go to Wrigley High don't you?" the girl asked.
Laurie nodded. "Yeah. I'm a senior," Laurie put her beer in her other hand and extended her right hand to the girl. "I'm Laurie Earles."
The girl looked at Laurie and chuckled uneasily. "I'm Jane. I think we have a class together. I'm a sophomore though."
"You do look familiar," Laurie said. "Not very many people here," Laurie said as she looked around the room.
"Most people are in the bedrooms or the basement," Jane said. You want to join them?" she smiled slyly.
"I actually would like to find Chris--show him that I'm here. He invited me," Laurie said.
"I think he's in the basement. Let's go," Jane took Laurie's arm and pulled her with her.
Rodney and Cassandra were sitting at the kitchen table in the Barton house. Rodney tapped his pencil on the table a couple of times and looked at Cassandra. "So what topic are we going to do?"
"I don't know. Which one sounds good to you?" Cassandra redirected.
Rodney looked at both of the topics they had narrowed it down to. He read them both over and over again until sighing loudly. "What do you want to do?" he asked suddenly. "Like, after college. Not about this assignment."
"After college? That's quite a way's away," Cassandra said. "I have some ideas but I really don't know."
"Thank you! I don't know what to do either so Cat is on me about finding some direction in my life. Every time we're together we talk about the future. She has everything all detailed and planned out," Rodney complained. "It sickens me."
"So she knows what she's going to do after high school and after college?" she asked.
"Norrell University in Boston. She wants to be an architect," Rodney said.
"An architect?" Cassandra was stunned. "I'm kind of impressed now. How about you? Do you even have a fraction of your future figured out?"
Rodney paused. He smiled and leaned back in his chair. "I know I want to get married..."
"The Party"
Jane led Laurie into the basement where Chris and a couple of his friends were drinking while watching two girls dance around topless, wearing only underwear. A soft moaning was coming from behind a wall. Laurie began getting nervous and finished her beer.
Chris noticed Laurie and pushed past the two dancing girls, smiling at Laurie and Jane. "Laurie, right? I'm so glad you were able to come. Are you having a good time?" Chris asked.
"I just got here but the walk from the front room to the basement was very exciting," Laurie said.
"Well I am glad Jane brought you down here. We have a secret stash down here of our own liquor so, please, help yourself," Chris invited.
The two girls stopped dancing and put their bras on and then flopped down on a couch. One of the guys brought over two plastic cups filled with alcohol.
"Here you go, miladies," the guy said as Laurie and Jane took the drinks.
Both Laurie and Jane took a sip. Laurie coughed and immediately got warm as she swallowed. "Wow," she coughed. "What's in this?"
"A lot of stuff," Chris chuckled. "But it's good isn't it?" Chris smiled and looked in Laurie's eyes.
"It is. Very good," she said sweetly.
"Drink as much as you want. We have plenty."
"All right, you asked for it," Rodney said as he opened his bedroom door. "Here is my bedroom."
Cassandra looked around at all of Rodney's books and was amazed at all he had. She looked at all the knick-knack stuff that sat on his desk. She picked up a superhero figurine and held it up to Rodney.
"Action figures?"
"Hey, you got the name right," Rodney said. "I don't collect them but I have a few favorite heroes that I like."
"And I see that you like to read," she pointed at all of his books and went over to his wall of shelves.
"I do. But really, who doesn't?" Rodney chuckled.
"You should be an editor," Cassandra said. "You'd get to read a multitude of books months before anyone else. Plus, you'd help those authors perfect their books."
"That sounds really interesting but I don't think I could do it. This may come as a shock but I am not very observant," Rodney said.
"That's something you could teach yourself. You just need to pay attention," Cassandra said. They stood quietly for awhile and both awkwardly shifted between feet. "Can I ask a personal question?"
Rodney shrugged. "I guess."
"What happened to your mom?"
"She died. I don't like to talk about it," Rodney answered.
"Fair enough. We should probably get back to writing our topic," Cassandra said. She headed out the door but Rodney grabbed her shoulder. "What?"
Rodney then kissed her. It was just a quick kiss but it still made Cassandra pause. "Now we can go back to work."
"What about Cat?" Cassandra asked.
"Let's finish our paper."
Laurie was sitting on a counter with her shirt off and was giggling as Chris kissed her around her neck and chest. With almost every kiss, Laurie giggled like an idiot. She had obviously had a lot to drink and Chris was taking full advantage of the situation.
Suddenly, Laurie's cell phone rang and she drunkingly fished it out of her pocket and answered it. "Hello?"
"Laurie. It's Ralph. I was just calling and seeing how the party is going," Ralph said.
"It's going great," Laurie giggled.
"Hang up and let's get you out of those pants," Chris said and began unbuttoning her jeans.
"It's my friend, Ralph."
Chris grabbed the phone from Laurie, "Ralph? Chris. Laurie is a little busy right now. I'll make sure she calls you tomorrow," and Chris hung up and turned off the phone.
Ralph paused and looked at his phone. "Hey, Mom? Can I borrow the car for a minute?"
Ralph drove to Randall Point and pulled into the driveway of the house he was sure had the party. He walked up to the door and knocked. The same guy answered the door and Ralph pushed his way in.
"Hey! Where's your invitation?" he asked.
"I lost it," Ralph said as he looked around the front room. He saw Jane sitting on the couch and went over to her. "Excuse me but have you seen Laurie Earles?"
"She's downstairs with Chris. It's her turn," Jane answered.
Ralph ran downstairs and found Laurie, nearly naked and Chris in his underwear climbing on top of her. "Get off of her!" Ralph shouted.
Chris launched off of Laurie and looked at Ralph. "What are you doing?"
"I'm taking Laurie home," Ralph picked up Laurie's clothes and phone and proceeded to pick up Laurie, hoisting her over his shoulder.
Chris protested but Ralph didn't listen. As Ralph placed Laurie in his car she began complaining. "What are you doing? I had everything under control."
"I'm sure you did. I'm gonna take you home and get you into bed," Ralph got in the car. "You will thank me tomorrow."
Becky climbed out of the bushes with her clothes askew. She hobbled over to a police officer parked on the side of the road. "Officer, please help me!" she croaked. "I was attacked. He raped me."
"Do you know who did it?" the officer asked as he helped Becky into his car.
"I think it was Rodney Barton," she said.
Next:
Rodney is questioned; Laurie thanks Ralph and Cat and Rodney break up.
Randall Point was developed by James V. Randall in the 1950s when he spent millions renovating the lighthouse and reinforcing the strip of land. Then, in 1962, he began building the beach houses which everyone was sure would be destroyed in the first hurricane. Forty years later, they still stood.
Laurie arrived at one of the houses and knocked on the door. A guy she didn't know answered and looked at her suspiciously. After an awkward moment of silence, Laurie pulled out her invitation and showed it to the guy.
He then eyed the invitation suspiciously but soon stepped aside and let her in. "Gotta keep out the 'untouchables'," he chuckled.
Laurie went over to a corner of the front room and somehow a bottle of beer wound up in her hand. A girl walked up to her and pointed at her.
"You go to Wrigley High don't you?" the girl asked.
Laurie nodded. "Yeah. I'm a senior," Laurie put her beer in her other hand and extended her right hand to the girl. "I'm Laurie Earles."
The girl looked at Laurie and chuckled uneasily. "I'm Jane. I think we have a class together. I'm a sophomore though."
"You do look familiar," Laurie said. "Not very many people here," Laurie said as she looked around the room.
"Most people are in the bedrooms or the basement," Jane said. You want to join them?" she smiled slyly.
"I actually would like to find Chris--show him that I'm here. He invited me," Laurie said.
"I think he's in the basement. Let's go," Jane took Laurie's arm and pulled her with her.
Rodney and Cassandra were sitting at the kitchen table in the Barton house. Rodney tapped his pencil on the table a couple of times and looked at Cassandra. "So what topic are we going to do?"
"I don't know. Which one sounds good to you?" Cassandra redirected.
Rodney looked at both of the topics they had narrowed it down to. He read them both over and over again until sighing loudly. "What do you want to do?" he asked suddenly. "Like, after college. Not about this assignment."
"After college? That's quite a way's away," Cassandra said. "I have some ideas but I really don't know."
"Thank you! I don't know what to do either so Cat is on me about finding some direction in my life. Every time we're together we talk about the future. She has everything all detailed and planned out," Rodney complained. "It sickens me."
"So she knows what she's going to do after high school and after college?" she asked.
"Norrell University in Boston. She wants to be an architect," Rodney said.
"An architect?" Cassandra was stunned. "I'm kind of impressed now. How about you? Do you even have a fraction of your future figured out?"
Rodney paused. He smiled and leaned back in his chair. "I know I want to get married..."
"The Party"
Jane led Laurie into the basement where Chris and a couple of his friends were drinking while watching two girls dance around topless, wearing only underwear. A soft moaning was coming from behind a wall. Laurie began getting nervous and finished her beer.
Chris noticed Laurie and pushed past the two dancing girls, smiling at Laurie and Jane. "Laurie, right? I'm so glad you were able to come. Are you having a good time?" Chris asked.
"I just got here but the walk from the front room to the basement was very exciting," Laurie said.
"Well I am glad Jane brought you down here. We have a secret stash down here of our own liquor so, please, help yourself," Chris invited.
The two girls stopped dancing and put their bras on and then flopped down on a couch. One of the guys brought over two plastic cups filled with alcohol.
"Here you go, miladies," the guy said as Laurie and Jane took the drinks.
Both Laurie and Jane took a sip. Laurie coughed and immediately got warm as she swallowed. "Wow," she coughed. "What's in this?"
"A lot of stuff," Chris chuckled. "But it's good isn't it?" Chris smiled and looked in Laurie's eyes.
"It is. Very good," she said sweetly.
"Drink as much as you want. We have plenty."
"All right, you asked for it," Rodney said as he opened his bedroom door. "Here is my bedroom."
Cassandra looked around at all of Rodney's books and was amazed at all he had. She looked at all the knick-knack stuff that sat on his desk. She picked up a superhero figurine and held it up to Rodney.
"Action figures?"
"Hey, you got the name right," Rodney said. "I don't collect them but I have a few favorite heroes that I like."
"And I see that you like to read," she pointed at all of his books and went over to his wall of shelves.
"I do. But really, who doesn't?" Rodney chuckled.
"You should be an editor," Cassandra said. "You'd get to read a multitude of books months before anyone else. Plus, you'd help those authors perfect their books."
"That sounds really interesting but I don't think I could do it. This may come as a shock but I am not very observant," Rodney said.
"That's something you could teach yourself. You just need to pay attention," Cassandra said. They stood quietly for awhile and both awkwardly shifted between feet. "Can I ask a personal question?"
Rodney shrugged. "I guess."
"What happened to your mom?"
"She died. I don't like to talk about it," Rodney answered.
"Fair enough. We should probably get back to writing our topic," Cassandra said. She headed out the door but Rodney grabbed her shoulder. "What?"
Rodney then kissed her. It was just a quick kiss but it still made Cassandra pause. "Now we can go back to work."
"What about Cat?" Cassandra asked.
"Let's finish our paper."
Laurie was sitting on a counter with her shirt off and was giggling as Chris kissed her around her neck and chest. With almost every kiss, Laurie giggled like an idiot. She had obviously had a lot to drink and Chris was taking full advantage of the situation.
Suddenly, Laurie's cell phone rang and she drunkingly fished it out of her pocket and answered it. "Hello?"
"Laurie. It's Ralph. I was just calling and seeing how the party is going," Ralph said.
"It's going great," Laurie giggled.
"Hang up and let's get you out of those pants," Chris said and began unbuttoning her jeans.
"It's my friend, Ralph."
Chris grabbed the phone from Laurie, "Ralph? Chris. Laurie is a little busy right now. I'll make sure she calls you tomorrow," and Chris hung up and turned off the phone.
Ralph paused and looked at his phone. "Hey, Mom? Can I borrow the car for a minute?"
Ralph drove to Randall Point and pulled into the driveway of the house he was sure had the party. He walked up to the door and knocked. The same guy answered the door and Ralph pushed his way in.
"Hey! Where's your invitation?" he asked.
"I lost it," Ralph said as he looked around the front room. He saw Jane sitting on the couch and went over to her. "Excuse me but have you seen Laurie Earles?"
"She's downstairs with Chris. It's her turn," Jane answered.
Ralph ran downstairs and found Laurie, nearly naked and Chris in his underwear climbing on top of her. "Get off of her!" Ralph shouted.
Chris launched off of Laurie and looked at Ralph. "What are you doing?"
"I'm taking Laurie home," Ralph picked up Laurie's clothes and phone and proceeded to pick up Laurie, hoisting her over his shoulder.
Chris protested but Ralph didn't listen. As Ralph placed Laurie in his car she began complaining. "What are you doing? I had everything under control."
"I'm sure you did. I'm gonna take you home and get you into bed," Ralph got in the car. "You will thank me tomorrow."
Becky climbed out of the bushes with her clothes askew. She hobbled over to a police officer parked on the side of the road. "Officer, please help me!" she croaked. "I was attacked. He raped me."
"Do you know who did it?" the officer asked as he helped Becky into his car.
"I think it was Rodney Barton," she said.
Next:
Rodney is questioned; Laurie thanks Ralph and Cat and Rodney break up.
J.D. Salinger 1919-2010
J.D. Salinger, one of my favorites and author of the groundbreaking Catcher In the Rye has passed away at the age of 91. After becoming the voice of a generation after his first, and only, novel was published, Salinger became a recluse. The photo above is a file photo of him from 1951.
For more information, click here.
They're Going to Get Worse Again?
It looks like the bad economy and the recession have finally started taking its toll on the tea cozy industry. Luckily, Obama will consider Veeblefester Corp. too big to fail so Veeblefester will be able to give himself his annual April bonus this year.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
While the Winter Winds Blow
Brutus is a ticking time bomb
Waiting to blow his top
No one would ever know
Not until he blew up
Actually, I think Brutus has a stomach virus that is causing him to vomit and poop at the same time...
Monday, January 25, 2010
Harter Union: Part One, Chapter 4
“Look just send a guy over here so he can put up this shelf. Well, it’s Facilities job to do this crap. I would put it up myself but I can’t hammer a nail into solid brick so now it falls to you guys,” I sighed heavily into the phone. “Just get someone over here when you have the time,” and I hung up the phone. I had brought some stuff from home to liven up my office since I had become more of a permanent fixture around here. I brought my big picture of New York City and a couple of other trinkets to go along with my armadillo. They were a small PVC figurine of the 1940s Green Lantern and Buddy Christ from the Kevin Smith movie, Dogma. All of this was the last remnant of my former life.I also cleaned and organized the office by sorting the cookbooks and recipe cards; I also threw out old files of people who hadn’t worked here since 1977. Darrell was impressed with my work and was also glad I got along with the rest of the staff because I was the fifth supervisor this place has had in two years. I had also just hired my first employee: Phil Bazine.
“Jeff?” Wendy poked her head into my office.
“Yo,” I answered.
“I work Saturday and I was wondering if I could have it off. Get someone else to work for me or something.”
“I don’t work that day. I can do it.”
“It’s not a regular meal, it’s a Special.”
“So? I need the experience.”
“With Kathryn!”
“Oh, come on, how bad could she possibly be? I passed her in the kitchen and the halls and she seems perfectly nice.”
“Try being in a confined space with her for a couple hours and see how your views change,” Wendy warned.
“I’m still gonna do it. Why do you need off if you don’t mind me asking?”
“My sister has a doctor’s appointment. She might be pregnant.”
“Well, congratulations. Or my condolences, whatever.”
“Thanks and remember that it was your decision to work on Saturday so whatever happens is all your fault!” and on that note, Wendy got up and left the office.
Although I hadn’t worked with Kathryn, I have worked around her and had heard the horror stories from Alyson and Maggie but I hadn’t experience them first hand but if any of the stories had any shred of truth, then Saturday was going to be one hell of a night.
I was only ten minutes late but when I arrived; the kitchen was bustling with activity. My office was filled with gaudy centerpieces and silver trays wrapped in protective cloths. As I watched everyone either work or try to avoid working, I heard Kathryn’s shrill voice pierce the air: “Where the hell is Jeff? He was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago!” I raised my eyebrow to that and looked at my left wrist, which had no watch on it, and then up at the clock on the wall. I shrugged and followed the voice to Kathryn Zurich. Kathryn was in her early 50s although she looked in her late 30s and had red hair and was just about the best cook I had ever had the fortune to taste. Unfortunately her temper and red hair had earned her the nickname Red-Haired Dragon but underneath that gruff exterior lay a kind and gentle soul.
“I’m here,” I began, “so everything is now right with the world…”
“Finally! Get an apron on, get the swordfish out of the cooler and start cooking it!” Kathryn ordered, not missing a beat with her pot of cream soup she was making.
“All right,” I turned around, took two steps then turned back toward Kathryn. “How do you cook swordfish?”
“The fish are in the cooler, lay them each on a baking sheet and marinate them in salt, lemon zest, and pepper for 30 minutes and grill them on either side for three minutes. While you’re marinating them, I have other work for you to do,” Kathryn explained.
“Oh, okay,” I turned back around, took a couple more steps then turned back toward Kathryn. “What’s lemon zest?”
“And you work in food service…it’s the outer part of the lemon skin. It’s only the yellow part of the peel,” Kathryn said.
“Really? Wow, you learn something everyday,” I shook my head and headed to the coolers, passing Alyson and Maggie who were peeling cucumbers and carrots. I opened the door to the middle cooler and began looking around for the fish. I didn’t see any boxes that referred to fish or anything fish-like. I walked back out into the kitchen and back to Kathryn. “Which cooler are the fish in?”
Kathryn sighed and rolled her eyes, “The middle one.”
“I looked in that one and I couldn’t find them.”
Kathryn sighed again, louder and threw down a rag she was holding in her left hand. “Are you really that stupid?” she screamed and pulled me back over to the middle cooler. “They are right here under this rack!” Kathryn said, pulling out two boxes of swordfish from under a rack and slid them over to me.
I picked them up and she pushed me out of the cooler and to the counter in front of the grill. “Well, I didn’t think to look under there.”
“Lay them on a baking sheet and marinate them in salt, lemon zest and pepper for 30 minutes; the marinade is all ready and is in the dessert area. While letting them marinate, get the grapes out of the vegetable cooler and get two big trays from the office and neatly begin placing the ready fruit on one tray and the sliced vegetables on another. Also grab a doily off the desk to place on the tray. When the trays are full, wrap them in saran wrap,” Kathryn order, in one breath it seemed. She walked away leaving me and Maggie and Alyson alone.
“Is she a narcissist?” I asked them.
“What?” Maggie asked confused.
“What’s that?” asked Alyson.
“Nothing,” I smiled and began opening the swordfish boxes.
Alyson and I finished loading the van and got in. Food service got the crappiest van Baker had. The floor was all stained and the radio didn’t work. Alyson sat in the passenger seat as Kathryn climbed in the driver’s. The back of the van was loaded with food and dishes so Maggie and I had to squeeze in the back. Kathryn started the van and drove off through the circle drive and onto Dearborn Street where she made a left and headed to Eighth Street.
“I’ve never been to the Collins House. What is it?” I asked.
“It’s the really nice house that the president of the university lives in but he lives in the basement and the top floor is only used to special functions,” Maggie explained.
We made a couple more turns and parked beside a gate in an alley. We all got out, Kathryn opened the gate and we began carrying food up the walk to the back door. Kathryn unlocked the door and opened it to reveal the kitchen. An extremely small kitchen.
“Unload all the food so the Parmenters can begin setting it out when they get here. Jeff, you’re our dish washer so fill the machine and sink so you can be ready for dishes when the Parmenters bring them to you,” Kathryn ordered.
Shortly after we got the food unloaded and the dish water filled, the Parmenters arrived and began helping Kathryn set the tables in the dining room. Parmenters were apparently a group of students who had the grace and social skills to work at these important functions. They wore dark blue uniforms with the university logo on them which, although really nice, reminded me of private school uniforms. I was just standing around watching the six Parmenters come in when Kathryn caught me in her eye. “Okay, people, let’s get to work. You three Parmenters finish setting the tables; you three come into the kitchen and help me, Alyson and Maggie start unwrapping the food. Jeff, you can start washing the silver trays as we finish with them,” Kathryn clapped her hand loudly which startled me and Maggie. “Chop-chop, people!”
When dinner actually started I found out just how difficult working Collins House could be. I was the only one washing dishes and you first had to wash everything by hand in the sink, and then put it on a rack to place it in the dishwasher. The dishwasher only held one rack at a time and after every third wash, you had to drain the machine and refill it. I had the occasional help from Maggie but I was on my own for most of the time.
After a couple of hours, the dinner was finished and the president’s wife was speaking and thanking everyone who made the evening possible. Alyson and I stood out of the way and watched Kathryn listen to the president’s wife. She wrapped it up and everyone applauded and started to disperse. Kathryn’s smile faded into rage.
“Oh-oh,” Maggie whispered under her breath as she put the dustpan and broom away.
“What?” I asked.
“Oh, crap,” Alyson stated.
“What?”
“Everyone get in the van!” Kathryn screamed and stormed out the door. We all got in the van; Kathryn slammed the door and started it. Everyone could barely get situated before she peeled off back to the Union. She sharply took a couple of corners which felt like the van was going to tip over. We all unloaded in silence except for Kathryn slamming stuff around and muttering. Kathryn told me to go park the van when everything was put away or in the Dish Room and she left, still angry.
“What was wrong with her?” I asked Alyson as we walked from the van back to the kitchen.
“That huge list of people the president’s wife thanked didn’t have one mention of Kathryn’s name. That’s why she was mad. You spend hours in a hot kitchen putting a lot of time and effort into something that makes people happy and you don’t get the credit you deserve tends to make people mad,” Alyson explained.
“That’s true,” I replied.
We got back into the kitchen and Maggie met us at the door. “Can I leave? I have a date tonight.”
“Sure, you both can get out of here,” I said, moving past Maggie, who went outside, and going into my office.
“What are you going to do, Jeff?” Alyson asked me.
“Sit in my office for another hour or so and build up my strength to walk home,” I said, chuckling at myself.
“Well, if you don’t mind, I can take you home if you want,” Alyson offered.
“That’s nice of you. If you don’t mind…”
“No, no. I don’t mind at all.”
The next morning Wendy was late for work but came in with a huge smile on her face. She came dancing in and sat down next to me.
“You’re half an hour late but you’re in a good mood. What’s going on?” I asked her.
“My sister is pregnant,” her smile got wider.
“Well congratulations to your sister,” I said.
“That’s not the good news. She’s moving out so she’s not going to be living with me anymore!” Wendy got up and began dancing around, flailing her legs and doing Egyptian-move dancing and bounded off into the kitchen. Everyone looked at the doorway she went into.
“Is it me or did Wendy’s dance make anybody else physically ill?” I asked.
Next:
Part Two begins. Jeff gets a night off and the other workers are left to their own devices.
Taste Brutus' Sad
You know what I've noticed a lot in the strips lately? Brutus crying. It seems as if Brutus has realized lately how horrible his born loser lifestyle really is and is slowly starting to succumb to the depression it brings.
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