1293: This Teacher Drinks A Lot

In Wilberforce's defense, he could mean that he wants to get a job at Disneyworld. I think Wilberforce would be a good Dwarf or maybe that kid from "Up".

1292: Well, Eff You Too

I am getting a little sick and tired of all these made up "holidays". We complain that official holidays are only used for money-grubbing corporations to separate us from our cash but yet we seem perfectly fine with "holidays" where the whole reason for their existence is to spend money on cakes, pies, cookies, ice cream, coffee on either ourselves, our loved ones, our bosses, our sisters, our twins, our dogs or our cats.

Randy #4

RANDY

“You’ve been retired for six years though,” Randy said to Randall as he poured himself a big cup of coffee into an insulated cup. “Are people even going to hire you?”

“I’ve kept up on my licensing and I still do work around the house here. And why not come out of retirement now? Your mom isn’t here and my two kids have their own lives,” Randall said. “Kinda.”

“I’m just concerned about you, Dad. You’re too old to be climbing around wiring houses,” Randy said.

“I’m just going to do houses and commercial buildings. I’m not going to wire new houses or buildings or anything,” Randall said.

“Just be careful out there. If you need help, let me know,” Randy said as Randall walked out of the house. The door clicked shut and Randy stood for a second. “Maybe now I can get some writing done. But first, I’m going to masturbate.”





“I’m so glad that we are able to have lunch today,” Nathan said as he and Jess walked into the deli. “This makes our relationship seem more legitimate.”

“Really? Legitimate? You’re telling me that if we had lunch more during our marriage then we wouldn’t have gotten divorced?” Jess asked.

“Yes. I’m going to say ‘yes’,” Nathan chuckled. He pulled a chair out for Jess and she sat down. “We just got married too young. We should’ve just dated after high school instead of getting married four months after graduation.”

“I’ve thought that, too,” Jess agreed. “We were young and stupid. But considering that I then got married again seems to lean toward that I am just stupid.”

“No, you’re not. You’re the smartest person I know.”

“Thanks, Nathan, I…”

“After Chrissy and Brian, of course.”

“Ass,” Jess croaked.

“Hi, I’m Ashbury and I will be your server,” said a small, perky blonde, setting two glasses of water on the table in front of Nathan and Jess. “Our special today is the BLT and it comes with a half-size of chicken noodle soup. Would you like more than water to drink?”

“I’ll have a Coke,” Nathan said.

“Raspberry iced tea for me,” Jess said.

“I will go get those,” Ashbury smiled and walked away.

“What are you thinking of having?” Nathan asked.

“Just a salad, I think. I may do a sandwich.”

“I’m getting the special. How’s work going?”

“It’s going good, can’t wait until I graduate and can move into being a teacher. I have to student teach first but it’s only a year.”

Ashbury dropped off the drinks. “Are you ready to order?” she asked.

“Yes, she will have the Ceaser salad and I will have the special,” Nathan ordered.

“All right. I’ll get those orders placed.”

“I never knew you wanted to be a teacher. But I guess, honestly, I never really cared what you wanted after we were married. Or before we were married.”

“You were slightly better than my second husband though,” Jess chuckled and began drinking her tea.

“Really?”

“Nick was way too into sports. Football, basketball, soccer. A baseball team started doing well and went to the playoffs so he started watching that. Nick’s idea of a romantic date was dinner at a “sit-down place” which could range from Steak N Shake to Longhorn Steakhouse and then to someplace where we could have sex.”

“That reminds me of a few dates we’ve had,” Nathan joked.

“A few. I originally just wanted to go to school for child care but I found out that I really liked it so I decided to go further and get a teaching degree.”

“What age are you planning on teaching?”

“Middle or high school. Whichever I can find a job.”

“Why not elementary? I mean, you’re working with those kids now at the day care center.”

“I feel that I can be a better teacher to teenagers. They are the ones that need encouragement to stay and work hard in school.”

“I know I would’ve probably tried harder in school if you were my teacher.”

“In this scenario where I’m your teacher, we’ve still had sex, right?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Of course,” Jess nodded.

Ashbury brought out their salad and sandwich and they began eating but still talked to each other. Jess was halfway through her salad and Nathan was shoving the last of his sandwich in his mouth when someone walked up to them.

“Jess?” the man asked.

“Oh my God, Nick?” Jess covered her mouth as she spoke. “Nathan, this is Nick, my ex-husband. Nick, this is Nathan, my other ex-husband. What is wrong with me?” she asked herself softly.

“Oh, nice to meet you,” Nathan extended his hand.

“Nice to meet the one who broke Jess in,” Nick laughed as he shook Nathan’s hand. “How are you doing, Jess?”

“I’m good. About to graduate from school. I’m going to become a teacher. How are you?”

“Good, good. Got married again--that’s her over there,” he pointed to beautiful redhead by the door. “I’ve also started my own business, it’s that new record store on Antioch.”

“Really? That doesn’t sound like you. You told me that you were never going to quit your job at the sunglass kiosk at the mall.”

“But then I met Mary and things started to change. She wanted to bring out the best in me and she suceeded. It was nice to see you again.”

Nick walked away. Jess turned and watched him and the redhead leave the restaurant together. “Well, this day just got significantly worse,” Jess said.




“Never thought I’d have to Ayn Rand,” Brian said as he and Chrissy walked to the bookstore for book club.

“Don’t be fooled by the choice of book, this is a pretty liberal book club,” Chrissy reassured.

“Why’d you join a book club?” Brian asked.

“To make new friends. Thanks for coming with me, I’m hoping that with someone here I know, I won’t be so quiet.”

“So you need an old friend to help you around your new friends?”

“Shut up, it’s complicated.”

They went into the bookstore where a couple book club members were already there and another woman was getting out chairs. “Hi, Chrissy, right?” asked an older woman with brunette hair.

“Yes, I’m glad you remembered. Elaine, right?” Chrissy laughed. “This is Brian, he tagged along with me tonight.”

“Nice to meet you, Brian,” Elaine said.

“Nice to meet you, too.”

“It’ll be interesting to have a little testosterone injected into this club,” she continued.

“What?” Brian asked Chrissy.

“You’re the only guy here. Let’s help Kath set up chairs,” Chrissy changed the subject.

1291: Happy Boss's Day

I wish that I had more time to write and post things. I was doing so well up until the move. I know the reason for the lackadaisical approach to this website--my job. Sure, I am essentially doing the exact same thing that I have been doing for the last three years but it's just slightly here in the moderately big city. What's really interesting is that even though I now get home earlier, it seems like I have no time to actually do anything. I get home and begin doing work around the house that needs to be done and then I start dinner. After eating, there may be three hours left in the evening before I need to start heading to bed and during those three hours, there may be other house-related stuff to take care of.

It would make sense if the house-related stuff was stuff related to the care of the house which was something I didn't have to bother with before but it's still just regular stuff like washing dishes, cleaning up from last night, litter boxes. It's all stuff that I had to do at the old house, too.

Oh, well. I'll get it figured out someday.

Good God, look at Brutus standing in front of Veeblefester like that. It's like an abused dog who still comes running over to his abusive owner just to get kicked in the chest. There are places you can go that will protect you, Brutus.

1290: Santa Maria

The Santa Maria sank on Columbus' return voyage from the Americas on December 24, 1492. The anchor is now on display in Haiti.

The Nina continued sailing until 1501 when historical records of her voyages cease. Records of the Pinta post-Columbus are not documented so who knows what happened to it.

1289: Back

Shouldn't football be almost over for schools? So Wilberforce gets to play one, two games in his new position and then he's done for the season? Sounds about right.

1288: Oh Good, Everyone Is In Therapy

Wait. Do you mean to tell me that even the great and powerful Veeblefester can't even rely on his money to keep him happy? I've never tried it but I heard that wearing underwear made out of pennies feels really good. Or maybe I'm just making that up and hoping that it's true. Either way, worth a shot.

1287: Like They Would Own the Mineral Rights Anyway

Is Brutus upset at Gladys because of the oil in the driveway? If so, he needs to get over it and get the leak in the car fixed.

I can picture Brutus standing in the driveway for ten minutes after seeing the oil stain trying to come up with a good passive-aggressive comment to say to Gladys. Totally worth it.

Sunday Comics #11: TV's Flash

The Flash's second season debuts October 6th on the CW so I thought I would take advantage of that by bringing to your attention a comic book based on the original Flash TV series from 1990. The series debuted on CBS September 20, 1990 with a two-hour pilot. The series starred John Wesley Shipp as Barry Allen/The Flash and Amanda Pays as Tina McGee. Originally scheduled to run opposite NBC powerhouse The Cosby Show, The Flash was placed immediately on life support as Cosby continued his reign of popularity and FOX moved their up-and-coming animated series The Simpsons to the same slot. CBS moved The Flash back thirty minutes and was even moved off of Thursdays within a few weeks. The Flash was able to enjoy a full 22-episode season but was not renewed for a second season. Today, Shipp and Pays can be seen in recurring roles on the CW series.

The comic book, The All-New Flash TV Special #1, was published in 1991 by DC Comics. It features two stories, "The Quick and the Dead" by John Byrne and Javier Saltares and "Meet Kid Flash" by Mark Waid, David Williams, Darick Robertson and Gary Martin.

"Meet Kid Flash" opens with The Central City Police Department unable to bring in a lowly street punk named Vince Everett. Everett has even gone so far as to steal badges from those trying to apprehend him.

I love this guy already.

With the entire CCPD looking for him, Everett decides that he needs something to protect him so he breaks into S.T.A.R. Labs in hopes of stealing an armor to make him bulletproof or something. Instead, what happens is he gets himself in the middle of a reenactment of what happened when Barry got his powers. It's not even clear how that happened, Everett just kind of tips over into it.

"Oh, no! I've forgotten how to walk for a split second. This is the end of meeee!!"

The electricity and chemicals give Everett the exact powers of Barry Allen which allows him to outrun the bullets fired by the S.T.A.R. Labs guards.

That saying is taken, punk.

When Barry gets wind of this new Flash-like person, he runs off to investigate and Everett runs circles around him. Everett even mocks Barry by trying on new personas like Johnny Quick and Mr. Zip but ultimately decides on Kid Flash and steals Barry's Flash insignia as a reward for getting away.

Vince Everett clearly has no respect for job creators.

After sewing a new logo on his suit, Barry devises a new plan to stop Everett. Meanwhile, Everett is going on a speed-ridden crime spree and proudly displays his badges on his leather jacket. He robs a jewelry store in the white space between the panels and even drops the pants of several officers having some sort of lunch at a hotel and steals 23 of their badges. The Flash then shows up again to apprehend Everett and I get the feeling that most of this story is just filler. We see Barry at "work" doing something with a microscope and computer and The Flash battling a building fire along with several panels devoted to the supporting cast of the TV show.

The Flash ends up chasing Kid Flash to an amusement park where Barry gets the idea to steal the kid's leather jacket because, let's face it, he's really fond of his badges.

"Says me, Jerkface!" -actual line from the next panel.

After a quick run-around the park, Barry is able to gain the upper hand by using caramel apples, fun house mirrors and, yes, even cotton candy. Barry then hopes that Everett knows how to stop running but putting a concrete wall in his path. Everett is traveling so fast that he vibrates through the molecules in the wall and is quickly apprehended.

Now the name "Kid Flash" is sullied forever.

The thing about these comics based off of TV shows is that everything is terribly off-model. It's strange seeing The Flash in a rubber-based suit instead of just simple skin-tight one. It's also strange seeing an odd-looking John Wesley Shipp and his early nineties pompadour instead of the Barry Allen we all know and love.

How does he squeeze all that hair into the suit's cowl?

1286: Catastrophic!

Let's theorize for a second that Gladys was joking that there is no coffee. What does she hope to gain from that joke? Best case scenario, Brutus curls up in the fetal position and cries himself back to sleep for a couple of hours. Worst case scenario, he has to drive somewhere to get coffee. Neither seems satisfying to Gladys who has probably seen Brutus cry dozens of times.