1170: Brutus Watches Dr. Phil But Gladys Doesn't?

Really? That's the test? Rank your spouse with 1 through 10? I can suggest that so can I have my own nationally syndicated television show?

1169: What Do I Have Against Them? Well, Since I've Only Had One...

What party? I hope it's one of those parties like the Lockhorns throw with all their passive-aggressiveness. But, to be fair, Mother Gargle is the worst.

1168: 9:02

We're learning about chemistry in my science class and we were going over what different elements can be used for. We got to nitrogen and said that it's used in fertilizer and can be an explosive if mixed with the right stuff and the teacher mentioned that ammonium nitrate was used in the Oklahoma City bombing. All the kids in class looked at him and several said "Oklahoma City was bombed?" He turned to me and gave me a look signifying that we were old. "Yeah, it was what? 1995? Didn't 100 people die in it?" I replied, "Closer to 150, I think. A lot were children."

The point is, this was a class for high school sophomores. These kids were born in 1999 or 2000 so their world doesn't contain the Oklahoma City bombing and it barely contains 9/11. I was only 12 when it happened (my birthday was one week before) but it really made more of an impact on my life. Much more than 9/11 ever had on me. The main reason being, 9/11 was a strictly big city attack. An attack like 9/11 would only happen in a big city--a major big city, while something like the Oklahoma City bombing can be anywhere. Timothy McVeigh bought all of the stuff he used in the bombing in Kansas. What if he had chosen the Frank Carlson Federal Building in Topeka instead of the Alfred Murrah Federal Building?

When on a trip to Houston in 2001, my mom and I stopped in Oklahoma City specifically to see the memorial among a couple other things but that's all a long story. It was so powerful walking into it and seeing the chairs representing the 168 men, women and children who died. Visiting that memorial has always stuck with me. I was 18 at the time, about to become a father, and about a month later, 9/11 would happen.

"Murrah Building - Aerial" by US Army Corps of Engineers - Hronek, Sheri (August 2001).

Why would you have to request the box be marked "Fragile?" The person shipping the thing should automatically write "Fragile" on the box of highly fragile dishes or package them better so they don't knock together.

Instead of wondering why the deliveryman would do that, it's time to call the company who delivered it and ask them to pay to replace the dishes and why they are delivering on a Sunday.

1167: Hey, I Spelled Dale Earnhardt's Name Right

I don't get the joke. That's exactly was NASCAR is and don't let anybody tell you anything different.

Back when I worked in a call center, I shared a cubicle with a guy who had a lot of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. crap in it. Supposedly he worked for Earnhardt's crew whenever he was racing at Kansas Speedway--which was maybe only once a year, if that. Rumor had it that he made more money on that one visit from Earnhardt than he made all year at the call center he worked. I believed that about as much as I believe Bigfoot is my next door neighbor.

I don't know what I hated more, having to share a cubicle or having to share that cubicle.

I Was Hitler

“Six months. Six months I waited for this. Of all the people who came before. Of all the people I could’ve been…why him?” I said out loud, complaining to no one. I picked up the paper and
read over the names of my former lives again.

Joshua Wilson Donald, July 26, 2023 – alive

Marcus Anthony Fordham, January 19, 1987 – July 25, 2023

Robert Angelo D’Agostino, May 1, 1945 – January 18, 1987

Adolf Hitler, April 20, 1889 – April 30, 1945

Nikolai Kremlov, March 18, 1783 – April 19, 1889

Christopher Aiokiev, August 17, 1709 – March 17, 1783

The name just stood out to me, mockingly. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and dialed my sister Emily. “Hey, Emily, you know the appeals process for your past lives?” Emily had worked at the Department of Health and Human Services-Former Lives Division since her sophomore year of college and knew that area like the back of her hand. “Has anyone ever successfully appealed to not have their past lives publically listed?”

“Not in the fifteen years I’ve been with the DHHS and I don’t think there has been a successful appeal since this whole former lives thing started nearly 40 years ago.”

“Why do they have to make the lives public?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I don’t want mine,” Emily said.

“Can you come over after work? Maybe you can help me put this into perspective.”

When Emily arrived, I let her in and she immediately grabbed the paper with my former lives on it and began reading. “Holy shit. Hitler? I’ve never known anyone with someone famous in their past lives. I mean, I know it’s Hitler but still,” Emily said, ecstatic about being related, even generations apart, to someone well-known.

“It’s not that one I’m worried about. I think we’ve all decided how we feel about Hitler but, here,” I handed Emily some papers that had been printed off of a website.

“Nikolai Kremlov?” she read. “What the hell? Raped and killed about 30 young children in Petropavlovsk, Russia between 1825 and 1847. The bones of the children were found after he died in 1889 buried under his house in shallow graves. At least it’s not as bad as Hitler.”

“Two murderers in a row. Do you know who else has two murderers in a row?”

Emily shook her head and shrugged.

“No one. I did a search. A lot of people have one killer in their former lives but none of them have more than one. And my life only goes back 345 years. I saw lives that went back 3,000 years none of them had two killers,” I shouted. I sat down in a chair and looked at the floor.

“I’m sorry, Josh. I don’t know what to tell you,” she came over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. “You know you’re nothing like Hitler or Nikolai Kremlov, right?”

“I guess but still. It’s a little disarming,” I looked up at Emily and grinned a little.

“Are you hungry? Do you want to grab dinner?” she asked me.

“Yeah, I could go for some food.”

I grabbed my keys off the table and she sat the former life and Nikolai Kremlov papers on the table. As we walked out the door, she chuckled. “If you ever get really bossy, people can tell you that you are ‘literally Hitler.’”

“Thanks, that makes me feel so much better,” I rolled my eyes.

“I knew it would.” [ ]




Story inspired by this writing prompt.

1166: Another Day Older and Deeper In Debt

When comic strip characters talk about work, I often wonder what jobs the cartoonists had or have. Has Chip ever even had a real job?* He started apprenticing with his father at a young age so I don't know where he may have worked. I'd be interested in finding out. I should've asked him that during his Twitter Q&A last year.




*For the record, I do consider cartooning a real job. It's just a joke. I can't even draw so I'm probably just jealous.

1165: Wasn't She Pregnant Last Month?

This seems like something that would be better served by saying it was on her Facebook page. I can see someone posting "I'm going to have a baby!! But don't tell anyone, it's a secret!" with that stupid clenched teeth emoji on Facebook but Twitter doesn't seem to be used like that. Maybe I just have a better timeline on Twitter than I do on Facebook.

Also, Mary Jo Kronk sounds like one of those women who always assume they are pregnant. I wouldn't go finding her baby registry quite yet Gladys until you see proof that she is with child. While we wait for proof that Mary Jo is pregnant, you can follow me on Twitter.

1164: It's Tax Day = More Veeblefester

So Veeblefester, who caught Brutus' mistake probably within seconds of getting the paper and probably doesn't even pay that much attention to what's shoved under his nose, thinks Brutus is clever enough to fool the IRS? I think Brutus would be able to fool the IRS for maybe one or two years but not longer than that.

Besides, Veeblefester should be able to afford the best tax-avoidance accountants who can keep him from paying taxes for years to come.

The biggest issue nearly all rich people have with the current income tax system is that they are still required to pay at least some taxes. And Veeblefester is proof that the rich are not actually job creators because it seems as if Brutus is doing the work of several people. He's assistant to Veeblefester, second-in-command, works in receivables, works sales and I'm sure a couple other things.

Time for a job fair, Veeblefester. There are unemployed people out there who would love to have one of Brutus' eight jobs.

1163: Why Does Brutus Keep Eating Here?

So this tuna surprise casserole is just noodles, some kind of creamy mixture and maybe broccoli or other vegetables? Isn't tuna, like, the cheapest meat-like food you can buy that isn't gangrenous? I hope you aren't paying for the tuna that isn't in the tuna surprise casserole.

1162: Such a Sympathetic Wife

Oh my god, Gladys, your husband is screaming inside for help and you're just making a fat joke. Seriously though, if you're feeling drained physically, mentally and/or emotionally and think you just can't go on, there are people you can talk to that aren't like Gladys.