The Born Loser 6

I had a friend who had a playhouse in his backyard. I was afraid to climb the ladder to get inside it. I was really afraid of heights as a child but as a teenager, I attempted to force myself out of my comfort zone and not be scared anymore. It worked so now heights don't really scare me anymore.

Maybe Hattie could get Wilberforce to climb the apple tree and then push him out. Maybe not dying would help him conquer his fear.

The Born Loser 5

WHY ARE THEY TAKING ORDERS AT THE WINDOW!!!1!!

I love me a hot coffee on occasion but not when I go to a fancy coffee shop. You waste that hot coffee order on McDonald's or a doughnut shop or a gas station. Not at Starbucks.

The Born Loser 4

As company after company after company after company are going bankrupt or closing dozens (hundreds?) of stores, it's hard not to think that this economy is putting a damper on the sale of tea cozies. At least Veeblefester doesn't have his own store to sell his tea cozies in--at least not since that failed venture back in 1999...

The Born Loser 3

Does Brutus just wander into Veeblefester's office and talk about random things? I know my bosses love it when I do that.

The Born Loser 2

"The crack of the bat! The roar of the crowd! The boys of summer are back!" Baseball is my next to least favorite sport to hear about online. Mostly because it lasts too long. April through October? Really? That long? The only sport worse is professional basketball which lasts from October until June. Even typing that sentence made me ill and angry.

Sunday Comics #1

Along with the return of Losers Are Made, Not Born, comes the return of Sunday Comics. Sunday Comics will focus on a variety of comic strips. The main reason for this return is because due to the changes on the GoComics website, I am unable to obtain Sunday Born Loser strips because they are too big to be screenshot and you can no longer copy the image to your computer. So many comic-themed titles now. Hope it's not overkill.

Curtis

I don't get it. If you've eaten something and you like it, why would knowing what it is change your opinion of it? To be honest, I don't know why you wouldn't want to eat something where the first instruction in the recipe is "Soak the brains in water for an hour".

The Amazing Spider-Man

Wait. If regular people can handle the dual threat of Ronan and this Sentry, then why do we even need superheroes?

Incredible Comics #16

Henry Johnson was driving to work, as he normally did every morning. He was also taking the same route and passing the same places at the same time. Today, however, there was something different as Henry Johnson approached the 119th Street bridge over the Dearborn Canal. A small animal, he wasn’t sure if it was a cat, a small dog, or some other animal like a squirrel, raccoon, rabbit, or whatever was in his lane. He swerved to avoid it. He thought he jerked the wheel just a little bit but the car turned quickly and veered off of the road and headed into the canal. His car plunged toward the concrete and water. I’m going to die, he quickly thought and closed his eyes.

His car jerked and the falling stopped, replaced with what felt like an upward motion. Henry Johnson slowly opened his eyes and saw himself being carried, in his car, into the sky and then gently lowered onto a side street. “Time Man?” he said, almost in shock.

“I just happened to be flying by and saw what happened. You okay?”

“Yeah,” Henry Johnson exhaled. “Thanks.”

“Any time. Drive safely,” and Time Man was back in the air.

“Oh my...Time Man?” Gail Porter looked up from walking to her job as photographer at the Golden City Herald. “Time Man. He’s back. He’s my ticket into becoming a reporter.” She quickly held out her hand and flagged down a taxi. “Follow Time Man.”

“You crazy?” the driver asked.

“Just do the best you can,” Gail said.

The driver took off in the general direction of where Time Man was flying. For the most part, Time Man flew in a straight line so the driver just had to follow the basic grid setup of the city with numerous turns. But then, Time Man stopped and headed southwest. The driver tried to head that direction but lost sight of Time Man through the buildings.

“Thanks for trying,” Gail tossed some money at the driver and got out. She ran to a nearby policeman in a car. “Officer, have you heard of any crimes or problems to the southwest of here?” she asked.

“What?”

“Time Man just flew that way,” she pointed in the direction Time Man disappeared. “I need to speak with him. Any chance you can figure out where he’s going?”

“What?”

“Get on your radio and ask dispatch if Time Man is helping any police or fire units right now.”

“What?”

“Stop saying that,” she yelled. “Never mind.”

She looked in the direction that Time Man disappeared and began running toward it.




“Thanks for stopping those robbers, Time Man,” the bank security guard said. “They weren’t too smart with this heist but it still would’ve taken days to find them.”

“No problem. Hopefully they’ll learn their lesson and this will be the only time we see them unless they are making a withdrawal or deposit--legally,” Time Man said. “You can take it from here.” Time Man leapt off into the air and over the buildings.

Gail ran up to the security guard and robbers, panting. “Time Man. Where did he go?” she inhaled deeply.

“He flew off that way,” the guard pointed to the northwest.

Gail threw her head back and made a gurgling screaming noise before running off in that direction. She ran, half watching where she was going and half looking into the air. She finally caught a glimpse of Time Man over the buildings. A horn blared and tires screeched. Gail looked and saw a delivery truck racing toward her, trying to swerve out of the way. Gail stopped, held her arms out, and closed her eyes.

Suddenly, Gail didn’t feel the ground underneath her feet. She felt her hair blowing around in the wind. She opened her eyes and saw herself in the air, in Time Man’s arms. “Don’t worry, I got you,” he said. He carried her down the street and placed her back on the sidewalk. “Good thing I looked behind you. Remember to look both ways when you cross streets,” Time Man smiled and turned to fly away.

“Wait,” Gail said softly, stunned by what just happened. Time Man didn’t hear and began flying away. “Wait!” Gail screamed at the top of her lungs. Time Man hovered in midair and looked back at Gail.

“Yes?”

“I’m Gail Porter, a photographer for the Golden City Herald. I was on that airplane you saved back in Iowa. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions.”

The Born Loser 1

I see that Chip just stopped reading the introductory paragraph of the April Fool's Day Wikipedia page. The page goes on to say that while the text in The Canterbury Tales refers to March 32nd (or April 1st), it may be a misprint that's supposed to read "32 days after March" (or May 2nd). Have we've been celebrating April Fool's 31 days too early for over 600 years? Does it even matter or should we care?

Comic Comics #215: The Night of March 31st

"The Night of March 31st" first appeared in Superman #145 in 1961. It was an imaginary story written by Jerry Siegel and drawn by Curt Swan and Sheldon Moldoff. Superman wakes up one day and discovers that everything has gone topsy turvy. Why is everything wrong? What's going on around here?

Classic Magic #4

The shovel went into the ground and the man lifted a small pile of dirt. Stars and the moon lit up the night sky and illuminated the cemetery. A nearby gravestone read Sacred to the memory of Theodosia Wolf, Born January 14, 1857, Died August 13, 1880. The epitaph read: She appreciated every moment because she knew she might never experience it again. Her husband, Cornelius, had been without her for just over a week. He wanted her back and he had the power to do it.

Cornelius brought Theodosia to their farmhouse. He had bought it only a few days before she died thinking the fresh air and country life would extend her life. She never got to step foot on it or even see it. Cornelius placed her on the bed and lit the candles in the room.

Cornelius began waving his hand and concentrating on Theodosia being alive. The spell was controversial. It had been centuries since it was last used. The dangers were passed down from generation to generation because it always came up when someone beloved passed away. What actually happened to the bodies was unknown because it had been so long since someone last used this spell. At least openly.

For nearly two minutes, Cornelius cast the spell. The color began to come back to Theodosia and then her eyes opened and she gasped loudly as air went back into her lungs.

"My love," Cornelius exclaimed. "It worked. You're back."

Theodosia was still breathing heavily. She was shaking with fright and her eyes filled with tears. She blinked and they rolled down her cheek. "Where was I?"

"You died, sweetheart," Cornelius tried to calm her down. "Your illness took you from me."

"So you brought me back?" she asked. "You can bring back the dead?"

"We are not supposed to, but yes. I couldn't bear to live without you," Cornelius hugged Theodosia.

"I was at peace then...in terror before I awoke."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean you any harm. Forgive me," Cornelius kissed his wife. Her lips with cold and clay-like. "I have brought you back. What would you like to do first with this new life I have given you?"

"I wish to sleep," Theodosia said, quietly.

"But you just woke up. You've been asleep for seven days," Cornelius was confused and scared.

"Let me sleep, dear," she said softly.

Cornelius paused for a bit then nodded. "Whatever you wish, my love. I will check on you in a couple of hours. All right?"

"Yes, that will be fine, Cornelius. I will see you in a couple of hours." Theodosia laid back down in the bed and rolled over away from Cornelius. He stood up and began walking away from the bed.

He stopped at the door and looked back at Theodosia. "I love you, Theodosia," he said. She didn't respond. He didn't know if she was asleep, didn't hear him, or was ignoring him. Cornelius went to his reading stand, lit the candle attached to it, and began reading. He read for the two hours that Theodosia was asleep then got up to wake her up.

When he stepped into the room, she was standing at the window looking out into the darkness. He didn't think she heard him walk in but she suddenly began talking. "I loved being outside with nature. I don't feel that way anymore. I don't think that I ever want to leave this room," her voice was nearly monotone. "Just cover these windows and stay here. In the darkness."

"You don't mean that. You've just been through something terrible. You'll come out of this," Cornelius said, almost begging. "Please, Theodosia, sit down with me on the bed."

She did and they held each other's hands. Hers were slightly cold and they didn't feel quite right. He couldn't quite place it. "I want to go back," she said.

"Go back? Go back home? Or go back...?"

Something was missing from Theodosia. From what he remembered, people brought back to life were half of what they used to be. They had no personality. No souls, according to one recording. They had the gift of life back but only wanted death again. She would never be the same, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself. Cornelius decided that he must lose his love for a second time.

"I will run to the pharmacy," he told her. "I will get you something that will put you back to sleep. I am sorry that I did this. I hope you can forgive me."

"You did what you thought was best. Please, go. I'll just wait here for your return."

Cornelius went as quickly as he could on his horse into town and to the residence of the local pharmacist. He pounded on the door and the pharmacist answered quickly and angrily. "Please, my wife needs some morphine or opium. She is in deathly pain."

"This can't wait until morning?" the pharmacist grumbled.

"Please, I have my horse. I'll pay you whatever you want. Just help my wife."

"Fine, fine. Let me at least get my boots on."

Cornelius went back home and rushed into the bedroom. "Here, I bought you some..." he stopped in his tracks and saw Theodosia hanging from the rafters in the bedroom. Her face, once again, at peace. He carefully helped her down and went to lay her on the bed. He noticed a piece of paper on the pillow. He laid her down and picked up the paper.

It was a note: Cornelius, I didn't want you to have to watch me die again. I love you. Theodosia.