Wednesday, January 18, 2017

9 Years?!?


Crankshaft
I never take the audio tour when I'm at a museum. If I wanted to know pointless details and what I should be seeing and feeling about a particular piece, I would just ask someone, but if I went to a museum and they handled their tour as condescending and moronically as this museum is, I'd complain, demand my money back, and tell everyone who follows me on social media how terrible the museum was. Just because some museum in Ohio refuses to put up your work, Batiuk, doesn't mean you can be a jerk.

I can't believe we have three more days of this crap.

Hagar the Horrible
The goblet of beer either needs to be drawn bigger or the no symbol needs to be smaller.

The Born Loser
Did you know that today is the ninth anniversary of this website? I've been doing whatever it is I do here since 2008?

And of course Veeblefester has part-time workers. They aren't on the payroll because "unpaid interns" sounds much better when you are ordering someone to do something.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Love the Choker, Dawn


Beetle Bailey
While I don't understand how Lt. Fuzz ended up on the other side of Sarge in panel two, I am loving the angry look on his face.

Dennis the Menace
Menacing Tip #42: Make sure to remind adults above thirty that they are closer to the end of their life while you are still closer to the beginning of yours. It will make them question the choices that they have made and think about where it all went wrong.

Hi and Lois
"I mean, these things can easily be recycled. So just remind him that the city offers a recycling program. Oh, and keep him away from loaded firearms."

Mary Worth
Yes!! They are on a collision course to wackiness!! Can everybody say "Swingers"?

Monday, January 16, 2017

Why Would the Museum Lie?


Family Circus
Jeffy should know better than to, under any and all circumstances, interrupt the monthly meeting of the Lavender Blouse Club.

Tina's Groove
Why did Tina just leave her journal wherever? I guess that's why she put a curse on it that melts anybody who reads her words. Wish I would've known about that curse when I wrote my science fiction sex story back when I was 16. Or that story of me professing my love for this girl that I wrote at school at 14.

Crankshaft
This isn't true, kids. DO NOT use it in your school papers. This information is wrong.

Curtis
I wonder a lot about paradoxes like this. There is so many variations that could happen had a person not been born or lived a relatively short life. The problem that we start to get into, especially with people like Martin Luther King, who we learned, after he was killed, that he was a flawed man, just like everybody else. Had he survived into old age, we may have ended up seeing a "sometimes you die a hero, sometimes you live long enough to become a villain" scenario. Same with Lincoln. Same with Kennedy. Same with anyone who was inspiring and died before their time.

However, I am a firm believer that your flaws shouldn't necessarily take away from the good that you do. It's when your flaws outnumber that good is when we start having problems. One or two flaws can usually be overlooked but when your entire life is built on your flaws, you don't deserve an honor bestowed upon you. Dr. Martin Luther King was an inspirational man and he fought and died for what was right. He inspired a generation and continues to inspire generations who want to guarantee everyone's freedoms and inalienable rights for generations to come.

The Born Loser
A 50-year-old man playing "Star Wars" with a 9-year-old girl is kind of creepy if he's playing Han or Jabba. I don't know what "Slave Leia"'s purpose was but I'm pretty sure it's something sexual. Being Luke is less creepy but...still...

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Tauy Creek Digest #32: A New Beginning

Anthony Breyer got off the bus in his new city. He had taken a job at a new distribution center and was excited about his new life he was embarking on. "Why do you want to move to the city," his mom had asked. "You won't have any friends there."

"I don't have any friends here either."

"What about me and the rest of your family?"

"I can still visit. I'll be two towns over, not dead."

His mom still wasn't on board when he left but she seemed more at ease. He had just enough money for some groceries and rent for an apartment but first he had to find one. He bought a newspaper from a corner newsstand near the bus depot and sat down outside of a deli and opened the paper to the classifieds.

"Would you like anything, sir?" a waitress asked him.

He hadn't thought of purchasing anything but since he was taking up one of this establishment's tables, he figured he should get something. "Uh, just some coffee?" he guessed on what they had.

"Cream and sugar?"

"Please," he smiled at her.

Anthony went back to his paper and began looking at ads for apartment rentals. He took a pen out of his pocket and circled half a dozen that looked good and were within walking distance of where he was. He drank two cups of coffee, paid the waitress, leaving a decent tip and began heading to the apartments that he had circled. The first was a large tenement building a couple blocks away. It was an imposing twelve-story brick building but didn't impress Anthony with its dirty apartments, numerous maintenance issues, and many shady people hanging around. He liked that it was cheap but it wasn't worth all the problems that he saw with it.

The next two were in smaller apartment buildings. They were both a step up from the tenement but that was about it. Again, they were cheap and he actually left considering them. The fourth and fifth were more of what Anthony was looking for but they ended up being more expensive than what was listed in the paper. Anthony tried to haggle for the second one but it didn't work. The sixth and final one was a large house divided into three units. The bottom floor housed two units and then there was the upstairs unit. The second downstairs unit was for rent. It was next to a married couple, clearly married for far too long, who could be heard shouted through the wall.

"The Belchers are good neighbors but they can get a little loud. These walls can seem a tad thin," the landlord said.

"Who lives upstairs. Are they loud?" Anthony was skeptical about moving in here even though the unit was nice, it was cheap, and he liked the neighborhood.

"It's two girls, going to the teaching college," the landlord said. "The Belchers or any of the other tenants have never complained about them." Anthony and the landlord heard talking outside the window. They turned and saw two girls walking past. "Oh, that's them now."

The landlord went over the window and quickly threw it open. "Hi, Mr. Dinsmore. Showing the downstairs unit?" one of the girls asked as they got to the door to their unit.

"Yes, to Mr. Breyer. This is Diana and Janet. They live in the upstairs unit."

Anthony looked at the window at the two girls. Both were older than him by five or seven years but they were both very attractive. Diana had shoulder-length mousy brown hair, big green eyes, and her face was covered with freckles. Janet had long blonde hair, brilliantly bright blue eyes, and shiny pale skin. He smiled stupidly at them and gave them a small wave. They waved back and giggled at each other before vanishing into the stairway to their unit. Anthony could hear them walk up the stairs that ran along the living room wall.

"They seem quiet enough," Anthony said, wondering which one he would inevitably date.

"Are you going to take the unit?"

"Yeah, I think I will take it. I like the converted house and the neighborhood, and I think it's just right to start a new life. It's time to meet new people and have new adventures and figure out what I'm on this Earth to do. It's a new start for me and I look forward to whatever may happen from now on."

"Mm-hmm. So you want the apartment?"

"Yes."

"Will that be cash or check?"

"Cash."

Do They Serve Radishes?


Crock
I'm shocked that any of these have books considering the librarians' idea of suggesting something good is to recommend a piece of used clothing.

Baby Blues
I want to applaud the owners of Club Radish for really sticking to the theme. The 'A' is a radish. The deejay is a radish. Even the windows are in the shape of radishes. Sure the giant radish head is a little nightmarish but who do you want deejaying at Club Radish, a guy with a giant mouse head?

Saturday, January 14, 2017

You'll Move To Jupiter and You'll Like It


Family Circus
Thank God, thought Thel, maybe we won't have to deal with her when the Rapture comes either.

Hi and Lois
We're day three into a Thirsty Lives Here Now scenario and he's already down to his boxers? How much longer until he's just walking around nude causing Ditto to ask questions and Dot to swear off boys forever?

Crock
"Here's a scratch-n-sniff book about old gym socks."

"How about binge-watching Game of Thrones?"

"The movie theater is two blocks that way."

There are three endings to this strip that are much better and relevant to this scenario than just throwing old clothes at someone.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

People Want Stories About Ants


Mark Trail
"Oh, great. Let me have it."

"Well, I wasn't able to get any information on the ants but the island did blow up and I barely escaped with my life."

"Look, Mark, I love you, but I wanted a story about red imported fire ants. Maybe some people want to read an action-packed story with several near-death experiences and a week's worth of explosions, I don't know. I don't want to know. I guess I will just print that story about that ghost shark."

Hi and Lois
Tell the twins to stuff their ketchup in a sack. I haven't been this disgusted since my son started putting ketchup on bologna sandwiches.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Honestly, You could just throw them in with detergent, cold water, on delicates and be fine


Hagar the Horrible
Wait. So Lucky Eddie is also Hagar's accountant? Maybe it's some sort of hobby Lucky Eddie has. I thought Hagar had a short, schlubby guy with bad hair and glasses as an accountant.

Tina's Groove
If only there was some way to get a list of all the symbols without having to read a thousand page from 1786. Oh wait, it's called the Internet.

You're welcome, Monica and Tina.

Monday, January 09, 2017

$8!?! Get Outta Here!


Blondie
Whoa. Sir.

Crock
Is that supposed to be a cell phone or is that cactus some sort of desert phone booth?

Slylock Fox and Comics For Kids
Why can't Max buy his own $8 bubble wand? Just more evidence that Max is some sort of servant to Slylock and not a junior detective or Dr. Watson. $8?!! Shady is lucky that his 1500% fraud just warrants a stern talking to and not a prison sentence like everything else in this dark yet brightly colored future.

Popeye
I...guess this is a change in storyline...

Sunday, January 08, 2017

Zoe Bleak #11

“You can’t kill me,” Joshua wheezed. “I am forever.”

“What?” Zoe was confused.

“He’s right. If you kill him, he will just come back. Like Christ, his soul and presence will just transfer to someone else,” Felix explained. “It’s why he hasn’t been stopped before.”

Zoe lessened the pressure on Joshua and then let him go. “Then what are we supposed to do? Keep running? Keep fighting? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that Winnie has to live her life in fear. It’s not fair that any of the Christchildren had to live their lives in fear. And all because, what? Why does Christ have to die, Joshua?”

Joshua coughed up blood and looked up at Zoe. “Without Christ, there is no hope. Without hope, people are easier to control, more willing to follow. Without Christ, evil wins.”

“Have you seen history?” Zoe walked over Joshua and kicked him down onto the floor. “Evil wins all the time. Chaos reigns all over the world throughout time. It always will. Is it always permanent? No, but it is always there. You don’t need to murder an innocent child to make evil and chaos happen.”

Vanessa and Winnie walked over to Zoe and looked at Joshua. “So what do we do?”

“Can he be imprisoned or something with Grandpa and Rhona?” Zoe asked Felix.

“As soon as he get better, he’ll be back out here, hunting down Winnie. Don’t you think we’d do something if we could?”

“I have an idea,” Zoe said and looked hard at Joshua. She raised her hand and began performing some sort of spell on him.

“What are you doing?” he asked and then his eyes rolled to the back of his head, he made a sickening gurgling sound and then collapsed on the floor. His fingers twitched but he was quiet and immobile.

“What did you do?” Vanessa asked.

“Um, I...I lobotomized him,” Zoe said. “He’ll spend the rest of his existence in a lifeless shell. Not dead, but he probably wishes he would be. Felix, can he go with Rhona now?”

“If not, I’m sure she can place him somewhere.”

“How did you learn to do that?” Vanessa asked, a hint of nervousness in her voice.

“I told you that I wasn’t a good girl,” Zoe said, taking Vanessa’s hand.

“That was cool,” Winnie gasped, still staring at Joshua.

“Okay, we’re going to get out of here,” Zoe put her hands on Winnie’s shoulders and began leading her out of the theater. “We’re going home. If you need anything, you know where to find us.”




“I’m not sure I’m okay with this,” Zoe said. “She’s only a freshman.”

“It’s the spring formal. She was asked. Besides, it’s mostly just going to be friends hanging out. Also, if we don’t get some time alone, I will set something on fire,” Vanessa said. Heather’s mom pulled up to the bookstore with Heather and her and Winnie’s dates in tow. Vanessa opened the door a bit. “Winnie, everyone is here. Get down here.”

Zoe and Vanessa talked with Heather’s mom until Winnie came down nearly a minute later. Her hair, now longer, was styled, dyed a reddish-brown, and in loose curls. Her dress was a simple pale gold with little brown accents on it. Everyone awed when they saw her.

“You are the most beautiful girl in the world,” Zoe said, hugging her girl. “So who are these young men?” Zoe eyed the two boys.

“My date is Ian Von Bargen,” she pointed at her date.

“Hi, Ms. Bleak. I’m Ian,” the young man extended his hand to Zoe. She shook it and smiled at him.

“Nice to meet you, Ian. I’ve heard a little about you. You got Winnie in trouble a few weeks ago,” Zoe said.

“We really like to talk to each other in science class,” Ian blushed.

“Hey, Ms. Bleak, I’m Chris Marcelli,” Heather’s date extended his hand.

“Nice to meet you, too. This is Vanessa Spader, Winnie’s other Mom,” Zoe introduced. “Are you kids going to dinner?”

“Yes. We have reservations at Xanthippe,” Ian said.

“Ooh, reservations. You kids should get going but first, a picture,” Zoe pulled her cell phone out of her pocket. The kids all lined up, Winnie on one end, Ian next to her, then Heather, and then Chris. Winnie tilted her head as she smiled and they all put their arms behind each others backs. They all smiled big as Zoe and Heather’s mom took pictures of the four of them. “All right. We’ll see you kids later.”

They all piled into the car and Zoe and Vanessa watched as they disappeared down Cottage Grove. “She is such a wonderful young woman,” Vanessa said.

“She really is,” Zoe was tearing up. “God, I wish we could’ve had her when she was a baby. I would’ve loved to see her as a little girl.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about that,” Vanessa took Zoe’s hand and they walked back into the bookstore. “Now, it won’t be Winnie, specifically, but maybe could have our own child and see them as a baby and a little girl. Or boy,” Vanessa began, closing the bookstore door behind her.




“Will you be back next year?” Leah asked Felix as they chaperoned the spring formal. “I know you aren’t technically a teacher but I kind of like having you around.”

“No, I will not be back next year. Like you said, I am no teacher and these students deserve someone better than me,” Felix said. “I will be sticking around though. I’ve kind of started seeing someone and it’s getting pretty serious.”

“Is it?” Leah gave Felix a look.

“Yeah. And I’ll prove it to you,” Felix noticed something across the gym. “Right after I say hello to someone.” Felix patted Leah’s stomach as he walked away over to Winnie, Heather, Ian, and Chris. “Ms. Bleak. Ms. Gratts. Boys,” Felix nodded.

“Hey, Mr. Sullivan,” the girls answered, the boys following a second or so behind.

“Having fun?”

“We just got here but so far it’s cool,” Chris said.

“I don’t need to be protected anymore, Mr. Sullivan,” Winnie said.

“I know. I’m just saying hi. Also, I’m telling you that you are my favorite student,” Felix smiled at her.

“I thought teachers weren’t supposed to have favorites,” Winnie grinned back.

“I’m not a teacher,” Felix shrugged. “You kids have fun. Responsible fun,” he corrected himself and pointed at each of them.

“We will Mr. Sullivan,” Ian said and put his arms around Winnie and started swaying.

Felix rejoined Leah and took her hand. “Would you like to dance?”

“Oh, I’m not a dancer,” she giggled and shook her head.

“You don’t have to be. Come on,” Felix pulled her into the crowd and they began dancing terribly with each other.




“I’m gonna go make pancakes,” Vanessa said after she slid her underwear back on. “That’s not weird is it?”

“Not at all. Help yourself. Make me a couple,” Zoe said, still lying in bed, enjoying the post-coital ambiance. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

Vanessa grabbed a shirt she used for a pajama shirt and left the bedroom. Zoe stretched then slowly sat up on the edge of the bed. She rubbed her eyes and sighed heavily. She reached down to the floor to pick up her underwear. She stood up and began getting dressed. When she turned around, there was a book on the bed with a note attached. She picked up the book, a photo album, and read the note. Rhona and I may not have been conventional parents, but we were still parents. Wish you could’ve watched her grow in real life. Grandpa.

Zoe opened the album and saw it loaded with pictures of a tiny baby girl with wide brown eyes. As she turned the pages, the girl grew up with beautiful brown hair and green eyes. In the middle of the album was a single picture of Winnie. She was in front of a brick wall, on brick steps. Her elbows were resting on her knees with her right hand in a fist on her right cheek. Her left hand was on her other cheek, fingers curled down. She was staring off into the distance with a lost smile on her face, her brown hair nearly white in the sunlight and blowing in the wind.

A tear landed on the page. “Vanessa, take a look at this. Look at our little girl,” and she ran out of the bedroom.