That's Next Week

Randy walked into Room 232 in Schuyler Hall holding a small ripped piece of paper. “Oh, I didn’t know you were going to be here,” he said when he noticed Brittany in the room.

“It’s for an assignment for my psych class,” she answered. “You’re the seventh person to show up so three more and we can begin.”

Brittany had put up fliers asking for ten volunteers to do a sensory deprivation experiment. Each volunteer would $200. “I’m just here for the money,” Randy said.

“So is everyone else,” Brittany shrugged. Three more people came into the room. “Awesome. All ten people. Please have a seat while I explain what we’re doing here.”




“Oy! You!” Dr. Coot came running up to Dewey. “You’re one of Arjon’s friends, aren’t you? The dorky, TV obsessed one?”

“Dewey.”

“Whatever. Administration wants me to change the school mascot and I figured you’d be good at coming up with a good generic mascot…”

“Wildcat, bulldog, tiger, falcon, eagle…”

“But still be unique to Borton.”

“Fox, deer, falcon, eagle…”

“I mean, anything is better than the mascot they have now,” Dr. Coot held up a poster with a Native American in a bright rainbow-colored headdress smoking a cigar and holding an axe in one hand and a jug of alcohol in the other. BORTON was above the Native and SAVAGES was underneath.

“I’m not seeing the issue with it,” Dewey snarked.

“I’m shocked our school hasn’t been burned down to be honest,” Dr. Coot said.




Volunteers had to spend an hour in the sensory deprivation tanks and then talk to Brittany about what they thought about while in the tank and how they felt. Randy laid in the tank and stared at the back of the door above him. Since it was dark, he couldn’t actually see anything. It was also deathly silent.

I’m horny, he thought. Actually, I’d rather just have a girlfriend. I miss having a girlfriend. How can I miss having what I’ve only had one of? I wonder how Elizabeth is doing. Her kid would be about six months old now. When did we break up? March? She got pregnant in April? May? Randy’s eyes went wide. What if it’s mine? I know she slept with what’s-his-name, like, right after we broke up. What if it’s mine and not what’s-his-name? I could be a father. I should look Elizabeth up when I get out of here. He smiled--at least, he thought he smiled. I should’ve peed before getting in here. I’ve never had to pee so bad in my life. I… Randy almost seemed to see something. “Dad?” he asked out loud.




“We have a problem,” one of the deans came into the workspace Dewey and Dr. Coot were using. “The College can’t actually afford to change anything at this moment. So the changes you make to the mascot has to be done on the cheap for merchandising.”

“So basically you just want us to be able to slap a sticker on a hat, shirt, or poster and call it good?” Dewey asked.

“Yeah.”

Dr. Coot slid all their work into a nearby trash can.

“Don’t worry, I got another idea,” Dewey winked.




“So what did you experience? What were you thinking about while in there?” Brittany asked Randy after his time in the tank was done.

“How much I had to pee mostly,” he said.

“Oh,” she hung her head.

“But I do think I saw my dad.”

“Really?” she perked up.

“Well, I never knew my dad but what I saw looked like Ted Danson and that’s who I always imagined my dad being.”

“Really? Why?”

Randy shrugged. “I watched a lot of Cheers and Becker reruns while growing up,” Brittany sighed and wrote down what Randy said. He held out his hand. “Money, please.”




“Presenting...the brand new, cost-effective mascot for the Borton College Savages,” Dewey announced. Dr. Coot turned a bulletin board around to show the administration their prized work.

“Is that…?”

“Yes, the star of The Wonder Years and The Princess Bride, Fred Savage,” Dr. Coot responded.

“We just printed the head of Fred Savage onto a piece of paper and taped it over the Native American head. It’s cheap. It’s effective. And we’re still the Savages,” Dewey said.

“But Dewey? What if I’m not a fan of Fred Savage?” Dr. Coot asked.

“Then you are probably an alien pretending to be human,” Dewey laughed. “But, if for some reason, that actually happened then we have this,” Dewey held up another bulletin board. “The Borton College Savages featuring Boy Meets World star and brother to Fred, Ben Savage.”

“Perfect. Let’s get the print shop on this right away so the student store employees can start slapping some stickers on stuff. Great job, Dr. Coot. Dewey.”   ▇

Isn't the Super Bowl next week? Ah, who cares?

I went through my archives because I found the notion that Gladys has never watched the Super Bowl to be a blatant lie and none of the comics that would've posted on Super Bowl Sunday are about the game or even watching the game. You got me this time, The Born Loser. You got me this time.

If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a coffee over on Ko-Fi. No commitment or subscription required.

Arjon #4

“Man is basically good,” Dr. Coot began. “But history has shown us that man will throw those who we love and care about off a cliff if it benefits us.”

“I don’t believe that,” Arjon pshawed. “Sure there are a few bad apples but for the most part, man is good.”

“A few bad apples spoil the bunch.”

Arjon pshawed again. “As you said, man is basically good.”

“You are too trusting of everybody,” Dr. Coot said.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“You can’t trust everybody blindly. That is a recipe for betrayal.”

“Why can’t I trust people until they hurt me?”

“Because it may be too late,” Dr. Coot replied ominously. “Let me explain.”




“I’m gonna do the Pad Challenge someday,” Caleb said.

“You say that every time you’re here. Which is a lot because we eat here, like, every day,” Brittany said. “Quit talking about and just do it.”

“It’s a five pound hamburger. Easier said than done,” Caleb scoffed.

“It’s not that bad. I did it,” Brittany revealed.

“What? You? You took the Pad Challenge?”

“No. I completed the Pad Challenge. And I could do it again.”

“We haven’t ordered. Do it right now,” Caleb said.

“Do what right now?” Randy asked, sitting down at their booth.

“Brittany says she could do the Pad Challenge.”

“Oh, I believe it. She’s got some meat on her. Look at those legs. And that little hint of paunch,” Randy pointed out.

“I’ll have you know, guys love my paunch,” Brittany huffed.

“Oh, I bet,” Randy winked and clicked his tongue.




“Humans being terrible is more than just pointing and saying ‘Hey, look at Hitler over there.’ You don’t have to look at dictators to see how awful human can be. Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Tommy Dursey, Jack Wahball, Bill Doughty.”

“Who are those last three?”

“Kids from the street I grew up on. I would play keep-away with them using a water balloon and somehow always ended up soaked in urine.”

“Those were all men. Don’t women do anything bad?”

“Certainly. The difference is if a woman does something bad, men declare her ‘hysterical’, deem her insane, and burn her at the stake. One evil woman you may have heard of is Elizabeth Bathory who slept with and killed young girls for their blood in an effort to stay young.”

“See? That’s the problem with humans, you don’t look at the majority of the people, you look at the minority and base your assumptions on the outliers,” Arjon said. “What’s interesting is that white men seem to get a pass.”

“Whoa, whoa!” Dr. Coot exclaimed, holding his hand out. “White men are not on trial here.”

“They’re barely on trial anywhere.”

“Have any Bananas committed atrocities?” Dr. Coot asked.

“Generations ago, there was one, Maroy, who invited colonizers to our village. They slaughtered dozens and began a war. After about four years, the colonizers quit sending people to fight because they realized that we have no resources. While the atrocities were committed by colonizers--white men, just so you know--Maroy was captured, tried, and convicted for attempted genocide. Note that even though white men did those horrible things to my ancestors, I don’t blame all white men for it. I don’t blame Caleb or Randy or even you despite you looking and sounding exactly like the colonizers.”

Dr. Coot stopped writing and stared at Arjon.




Brittany was halfway through the hamburger, ketchup was dripping from her mouth with each bite. She was noticeably sweating and breathing heavily.

“You can stop, Brittany. You’re killing yourself,” Randy proclaimed.

“This is a $30 burger. I can’t afford that. I have to finish it,” she said, slightly gurgling. She continued eating, a small crowd had gathered around her, cheering her on.

“I’m confused why this is the most exciting thing I’ve seen in a long time,” Randy said.

“I’m confused why I’m so turned on right now,” Caleb revealed.




“How has your time here been going?” Dr. Coot asked, changing the subject.

“It’s good. I have four good friends and Brittany used me to help keep her ex-boyfriend away,” Arjon answered.

“Do you think you’re going to stay? Are you going to try and become a citizen?”

“I’ll stay as long as I’m in school. I don’t know about citizenship.”

“If you are interested in citizenship, we can help you with that.”

“Maybe. While I’m having a good time here, I am homesick. I do plan on going back to my village during the summer,” Arjon revealed.

Dr. Coot nodded. “Thank you for coming in today. I’ll see you next week.”

Arjon got to the Pad and saw a crowd around Brittany, Caleb, and Randy. She was down to the last couple of bites. She was slumped in her chair. Her pants were undone and she had unbuttoned her shirt. “Go Brittany,” Arjon cheered, following what everyone else was doing.

Brittany saw his face, grabbed the burger and held it up in ceremony. She took a big bite, slowly chewed, and swallowed. She then put the last bite in her mouth, slowly chewed, and swallowed. The whole crowd cheered. Brittany stayed seated but raised her arms.

The cheering died down and soon the crowd dispersed. Arjon sat down next to Brittany. “I missed a lot while I was with Dr. Coot,” Arjon said.

“They...dared me,” she panted and halfheartedly pointed at Caleb and Randy. “Can’t afford…$30 hamburger.”

“I’m sorry I missed most of it. At least I got to see the grand finale,” Arjon said.

Brittany sunk more into the booth and farted, loud and long. When done, Brittany placed her hand on her stomach and smiled. “Oh, yeah,” she moaned.

“Why am I even more turned on now?” Caleb leaned over and quietly asked Randy.

Arjon #3

The small Toyota Tercel puttered noisily down the highway then exited for Borton College.

Arjon and Brittany walked together from the student union where they had breakfast together. “I love breakfast food,” Arjon said. “Breakfast food is definitely something I’m taking back to my village.”

“Breakfast food is pretty good. Your village doesn’t have eggs?”

“We have eggs but they are usually put in recipes or hard-boiled for easy use and eating on the go. We don’t scramble them.”

“Were any of your classes canceled?” Brittany asked.

“Just my algebra class which is fine because it’s the only class I’m failing.”

“We’re only two weeks into school. How can you already be failing?”

“We don’t have math in my village. It’s hard to do algebra when you barely know what a number is.”

“I guess that would be a problem,” Brittany sighed.

“Brittany Simonson,” someone suddenly leapt out of the bushes with a bouquet of flowers. “I have been without you for too long and am on bended knee asking you to take me back.”

“Oh, farts,” Brittany said.




“All of my classes canceled, I’m spending all day in bed,” Randy said.

“Mine too so I’m here to stay as well,” Caleb replied.

“I bet I can stay in bed longer than you,” Randy challenged.

“Really? This is something you want to fight about?”

“Yes.”

“You’re on. And I’m going to win.”




“What are you doing here, Brian?” Brittany asked.

“I am asking for your heart and you’re hand back,” Brian said. “We’ve been apart for three months and the saying is true: Absence does make the heart grow fonder.”

“Who is this guy?” Arjon asked.

“His name is Brian. We dated in high school. We broke up a few weeks before college started. He has now apparently went crazy, went into a ‘stalker’ phase and is only a few steps away from opening fire or mowing people down in a van during a walkathon.”

“Oh my.”

“Yes.”

“All I ask is one date to try and rekindle our love. If our does not reignite then I will happily leave. If you turn me down or you are giving your heart to someone else then I’ll still leave but I won’t happy,” Brian pleaded.

“Now that you mention it, I am seeing someone,” Brittany grabbed Arjon’s arm. “Arjon. Arjon and I are dating.”

“Oh, I love these plots,” Dewey suddenly said.

“Where’d you come from?” Arjon asked.

“I’ve been here,” Dewey dropped his backpack on the ground, opened it, and pulled out a bag of popcorn. “Mm?” he offered Arjon some.

“How did you know to make this in advance?” Arjon took a handful and ate it. “How is this still hot?” he asked.

“You’re dating a banana?” Brian finally stood up.

“He’s a very nice guy,” Brittany said.

“He’s produce,” Brian scoffed.

“Be nice,” Brittany replied angrily to Brian.

“Quick question,” Arjon spoke up “how does dating me factor into this? He said he would leave whether or not you were dating anyone.”

Brittany leaned in close to Arjon’s ear and whispered “If I’m single, he may still try to get back together with me. If I’m dating someone maybe he will move on and leave me alone.”

“Gotcha,” Arjon responded loudly.

“The three of us should have lunch together,” Brian suggested. “So I can see how good you are together.”

“You’re nuts. We don’t have to prove our relationship to you. Just leave. Go home,” Brittany demanded.

“I think I’ll stay a while,” Brian swayed on the balls of his feet. “Unless we can have lunch together.”

“I don’t think this kind of plot holds up these days,” Dewey acknowledged, chewing on popcorn.

“Fine. Lunch. And then I load you up into your stupid Tercel and bid you a fond farewell.”

“You know me so well. I do still have the Tercel. Remember the things we used to do in that Tercel?” Brian gave her the bedroom eyes.

“I remember the cramps and lack of satisfaction,” Brittany sighed.

“So lunch?”

“Lunch. And then you’re gone.”




Back at the dorms, Caleb was still in bed playing a game on his phone. Randy was partially under the covers, both hands underneath and Randy staring intently at them. “What are you doing?” Despite making very little movement, what Randy was doing was still very distracting as Caleb played his game.

“Peeing.”

“Are you wetting the bed?”

“Of course not. I’m doing it in a two-liter bottle. Well, one point five liters.”

“That’s not fair. I don’t have anything to pee in and I really need to go.”

“It’s not my fault that you actually clean your half of the room,” Randy brought the bottle out from under the covers. “I can put the lid back on and toss it to you.”

“No. That’s okay,” Caleb said. “Just...keep it.”




At the Pad, the odd date was going better than expected. Arjon and Brittany sat next to each other with Brian across from them. Dewey was sitting across the aisle from them, still watching them.

“I’m glad that you have found someone,” Brian said. “I want you to be happy and I couldn’t see you being happy with anyone else but me but here we are.”

“Because women can only be happy if they have a man, is that right?” Brittany commented.

“Exactly,” Brian replied. “You two go good together.”

“She’ll be a fine addition to my village,” Arjon said and pulled Brittany closer to him.

“Wait. What?” she pulled away. “I’m not moving to your village. I am too comfortable with technology, air conditioning, and humans,” Brittany said.

“We’ll talk about it at the engagement ceremony,” Arjon laughed.

“This was a good lunch. I should get back. I told work that I was going on break. That was four hours ago,” Brian stood up. He gave Brittany a hug and Arjon a handshake and left.

As Brian left, Caleb and Randy came in. “Hey, guys, how has your day been going?” Brittany asked.

“All of our classes were canceled so we tried to see who could stay in bed all day,” Caleb said.

“Who won?” asked Arjon.

“No one. We got hungry and no one was near the door to have something delivered or near our mini-fridge,” Randy said. “We’re starving.”

Arjon #2

Their biology class over, Arjon and Caleb walked out of the room together. “I think biology is my favorite class. I like learning about the other species on this planet and it helps foster a oneness with nature,” Arjon explained.

“I think it’s my favorite class, too,” Caleb said.

“Oh? What do you find interesting about it?”

“Brittany Simonson is so hot,” Caleb exclaimed through gritted teeth. “Did you see she wasn’t wearing a bra today?”

“I don’t understand anything you just said.”

“Well, I think Brittany is good-looking and a bra...You know, that doesn’t matter,” Caleb waved. “Ooh. You should start a biology study group so I can get to know her.”

“Why don’t you just go and talk to her? It’ll probably be easier,” Arjon said.

“Nope. I’ve already decided that you’re going to start a biology study group.”

“Why can’t you start it?”

“She’ll be suspicious if I do it. It has to be you,” Caleb slapped Arjon on the back. “It’ll be fine. I’ll get my friend Randy to join us. He also has biology just on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

“She’s right there,” Arjon pointed. “‘Hi, Brittany, I’m Caleb. Would you like to grab lunch today?’ It’s so easy.”

“Maybe on our third or fourth time meeting each other. Come on, I’ll print up a flyer that you can give to her.”




A few days later, Caleb reserved one of the spaces in the library and he and Arjon waited for 3 o’clock. At 3:05 they were about to pick up and leave when someone walked in. “We were just about to leave. The room’s all yours,” Caleb said.

“Did I miss the biology study group? The flyer says it’s at 3,” the guy held up the flyer.

Caleb grabbed it from him. “I only made one flyer. How’d you get this?”

“From the trash. I’m not good at science so I thought I’d come and try to head my Fs off at the pass.”

“All right. What’s your name?” Caleb asked.

“I go by Dewey.”

“Is that a nickname?”

“I chose it because Dewey is my favorite Donald Duck nephew,” Dewey explained.

“Aren’t they all pretty interchangeable?”

“Sorry I’m late,” Randy came in. “Where’s the girl?”

“I don’t think she’s coming,” Caleb sighed. “This was a stupid idea.”

“No, it was a good idea,” Brittany came into the room. “What was stupid was just printing one flyer.” She looked around the room at Arjon, Caleb, Randy, and Dewey. “So this is a real study group? Not just some part of an elaborate plan?”

“Yep, this is a totally real study group for psychology,” Caleb smiled.

“Biology,” Arjon corrected.

“Biology.”

“This does feel more like an elaborate ruse when you think about it,” Dewey said. “Only one flyer. No textbooks. The organizer doesn’t know what we’re studying for.”

“I think you’re overthinking it, Dewey,” Caleb gritted his teeth.

“No, this has all the markings of a TV show where a character tries to deceive another character. The only problem is that those characters are usually friends and always make up half an hour later. You two aren’t friends so there’s no guarantee you will make up half an hour later.”

Everyone stared at Dewey.

“So it is a plan. A plan to, what? Get in my pants?” Brittany asked.

“I just want to get good grades,” Dewey threw up his hands.

“It was all Caleb’s idea,” Randy pointed.

“I had good intentions,” Caleb became defensive. “I wanted to get to know you. Maybe have lunch or something.”

“Then just ask me out. ‘Brittany? Would you like to grab some lunch with me?’ ‘That’d be nice, Caleb. When and where?’”

“Sorry. I guess I should’ve listened to you, Arjon,” Caleb said. “So. Brittany. Would you like to grab some lunch with me?” he smiled.

“You should’ve asked that before you had this printed,” she grabbed the flyer from Dewey. She threw it down and left the meeting room.

“That went well,” Randy said. “I’ll see you back at the dorm, man,” Randy clapped Caleb on the back.




Later, as Arjon left the library, he ran into Brittany who was walking back in. “Is Caleb gone?” she asked.

“Not yet. Once everyone knew it was a kind-of-fake study group everybody went home. Why?”

“I wanted to apologize. The truth is that while I don’t like being tricked like I was but I was there under false pretenses as well.”

“Really?”

“I went there because I knew you would be there. I thought I could be your new and cool American friend.”

Arjon gasped. “So you are no better than Caleb?”

“I just wanted to be your friend. Caleb wanted to have sex with me,” Brittany corrected.

“Let’s go back inside and let’s start from the beginning,” Arjon said.

Arjon and Brittany went back to the study hall. Caleb was about to leave but stopped when he saw them come in. “You came back?”

“Look, I didn’t like being tricked but I was just here for Arjon so we were both here under false pretenses,” Brittany said. “Can we start over?”

“If you want. I’m sorry I started this fake study group. I mean, seriously, Dewey is terrible at science,” Caleb said.

“Probably because that part of his brain is filled up with TV theme songs.”

“He knows both the opening and ending credits theme to WKRP In Cincinnati.”

“We can help him,” Arjon said. “With the science, I mean.”

“Do you want to grab a burger with us?” Caleb asked Brittany.

“Yeah. I’ll join you,” Brittany confirmed. “Thanks for asking like a normal person.”

“I can do normal. I can do the hell out of normal,” Caleb said.

“Please stop,” Brittany sighed.

As Caleb, Brittany, and Arjon left the library, a street performer started playing his guitar.

“That sounds really familiar,” Caleb said.

The street performer began singing. “Mad tooth bar chin up boxing out her hair. Still do the modern day whack-a-mole ditto, uh-huh.”

“Also starring Dr. Malcolm Coot,” Arjon said.

“Executive producer Brian Hall,” Brittany shrugged.

“What’s that bartender, I had better head out. I said I wouldn’t do it if a poodle had a lid on, uh-huh.”

“Meow,” all three said in unison.

Arjon #1

Hidden in a secluded jungle somewhere in the Philippines, Arjon laid against a tree while half the village did chores and the other half did drills. He was looking up at the what sky he could see through the canopy.

An elder came up to Arjon. “Where are you supposed to be?”

“Anywhere but here,” Arjon replied.

“Are you unhappy, my son?”

“Not unhappy. Bored,” Arjon said. “I want to leave this place. Go into civilization and experience something different.”

“Many a Banana have left the jungle. Most return, some cannot. Civilization is a harsh place. Especially for us. We don’t fit in,” the elder explained.

“I want to take that chance. I want to go out into civilization and one way or another, sooner or later, I’m going to go,” Arjon said.




Within a couple of months, Arjon found himself leaving his village and arriving in a west coast American city. He had gotten many stares but stayed positive. The first thing he wanted to do was try the food. He hadn’t eaten at all during the 15-hour trip and was starving. He knew that there was one food he wanted to try immediately.

“Excuse me, madame but where can I find a hamburger merchant?”

“Uh,” the woman was stunned by the six foot talking banana but tried to retain her composure. “There’s a McDonald’s right outside the airport. Best burgers you’ll ever eat. Please don’t hurt me.”

“Thank you, kind madame.”

At McDonald’s, Arjon was enjoying his burgers while everyone else was staring in awe at him or taking pictures with their phones. Or both. When Arjon was finished eating, a police officer took hold of his arm. “All right, buddy. Come with me.”

“Oh, my. Is something wrong, officer?” Arjon asked.

“Just come with me. You’re causing a disturbance.”

“It seems my first adventure into America isn’t starting out so well.”




“So what do we actually have on him?” the Chief of Police asked.

“Nothing, really,” the officer said. He turned his head quickly. “Being a banana?”

“That sounds like a slippery slope. Besides, he has all the proper paperwork. Apparently there’s a whole island of these things.”

“You want I just let him go?”

“Yeah,” the Chief waved his hand. “Let him go.”

Arjon was let go but had no where to go. He wandered downtown for a bit, people taking pictures of him or recording him. A couple of people even took selfies with him. A young guy came out of a bar and took Arjon by the shoulder. “You’re that banana, aren’t you? That’s a stupid question. Of course you are.”

“I seem to draw a lot of attention,” Arjon sighed.

“Here. The first thing you can do is not be out in public being all banana-y. Do you like hamburgers?”

“Oh, yes. I see a golden M right down the street!” Arjon exclaimed.

“What? Those hamburgers?” the guy questioned. “Let’s go over there. Best hamburgers in Oceandale.”

“Marvelous. I’m Arjon, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Arjon. I’m Caleb.” The Pad, the hamburger joint Arjon and Caleb went to, was a relic of the 1950s space age. The Pad was always celebrating American ingenuity and fighting Soviet Communists. “Isn’t this better? You’re acting normal and no one is paying attention you,” Caleb took a bite of his burger. “Where are you from? What are you doing here?” Caleb asked while chewing.

“I’m from a small village in the Philippines. We’re very isolated so we’re kind of like our own country. I’m here to just be around civilization.”

“Do you have a place to live or anything? Money?”

“I have some money my village gave me. I have nowhere to stay,” Arjon said. “Where are you staying?”

“I live in a dorm on campus. I go to Borton College.”

“College. That’s what I should do. Is Borton a good school?”

“It’s better than those schools that advertise on TV or the radio,” Caleb said. “Go Neanderthals!” Caleb lowered his brow and waved an imaginary club around a couple of times. “We’ll head over there when we’re finished.”




“We can’t let him in. He’s a banana,” one of the admission people said.

“Replace the word ‘banana’ with black, Asian, Muslim, a woman, and you’ll see how that statement could get us into a lot of trouble,” Dr. Malcolm Coot, his voice full of British pompousness and arrogance, said. “Here’s what I say we do. We admit Mr. Arjon free of charge. I’ll take him under my wing and every week I’ll check on him, see how he’s doing, and get his views on life here and back at home. Let’s remember that Mr. Arjon can give us valuable information on his life, culture, education, and that is very important and very publishable.”

“So you’re suggesting we admit Mr. Arjon so that you can write a paper or something on him?” another admission person asked.

“Picture it,” Dr. Coot leaned back, smiling, and flashing his hands. “‘A Review of a Bananian in the American Collegiate System’ by Dr. Malcolm Coot, Borton College.”

“So you want to use Mr. Arjon to boost your own status?”

“And the status of Borton, yes.”

“I’m a Neanderthal!” Arjon exclaimed, running to Caleb.

“Awesome. Were they able to find you a dorm room?” Caleb asked.

“I’m in Stone Hall. Fourth floor.”

“Cool. I’m in Stone. Third floor. We’re practically neighbors.”




“So basically, I met one nice American,” Arjon said to Dr. Coot.

“Good, good. What is education like in your village?”

“We learn our entire lives. Half the day is spent in school and the other half is doing chores. I decided to come to America when I should’ve been learning. I wanted to see more of the world. Only half a dozen Bananians have ever left the village. Five died.”

“And what happened to the sixth?”

“He was gone for a couple months and then came back. He never talked about what he did or what he saw. Never talked about leaving the village again. Everyone just assumed he had seen some pretty terrible things.”

“Are you afraid that you’ll see some pretty terrible things?”

“Humans are basically good. And I think they will surprise us all while I’m here.”

“Fascinating,” Dr. Coot wrote down some things on his notepad “and very, very publishable.”