Wise Old Fool

August 29, 1966

This'll be me when we go back to school in August. I'm never fully awake until 9 AM or so. I keep telling employers this but they always insist I arrive at work up to three hours before 9 like we don't live in a 24-hour world all interconnected to each other.

How about you leave the room, Veeblefester? Brutus is on his break.

That's a weird thing to say to your child, and it's not a common saying if it's a saying at all. The only uses I can find for it are from the Bible. "If you want to wise, be faithful in God", "If you want to be wise, listen to your parents", "If you want to be wise, honor God in sexual purity(!)". It's like Brutus' parents looked at him and were like, "This kid seems dumb, we better try to keep him from becoming dumber!"

Naughty Or...?

Welcome home, Guard Dog.

January 20, 1978

I feel Brutus is less "human dynamo" and more Dynomutt.

"Looks like you are getting in the spirit of the season, Chief!"

He's wearing a Santa hat. Calm down. It's literally the bare minimum.

Does Brutus really think Veeblefester is going to have Christmas spirit? You've been working for this man for 20+ years. Has that ever happened?

Mondays Amirite?

November 20, 1976

It'd be really great if Americana wasn't so rooted in slavery and racism. For some reason, in the original lyrics, 500 Black people are electrocuted while on a boat and apparently this song is sung through the eyes of a Black man trying to find a lost love. Why? Why did Stephen Foster think that was a good idea? And don't give me that "Well, it was 1848" excuse. That only works so many times.

I know I've complained before about us living in a 24/7/365 global economy but a majority of work still operates on a 9 to 5 schedule. Why can't Brutus sell tea cozies in the afternoon? What's the benefit of selling tea cozies in the morning? And why can't he sell tea cozies from home?

The Monday Blerghs

October 1, 1976

When you really think about it, giant billboards advertising things seems like a very dangerous distraction. When you think about it further, having a radio seems like a distraction as well. I guess the way it works is that you can either read something or listen to something but you can't do both at the same time. That causes accidents.

He just threw up in his mouth a little.

Brutus looks more hungover than tired. Can he even remember Sunday?

Just Get Me Some Coffee and Keep It Coming

July 20, 1974

"Damn your tornadoes and flash floods! Get back to my scantily-clad beauties!" It's weird seeing Brutus as a poon hound.

Doesn't look like he slept well at all. I'm going to blame it all on Eyes Wide Shut wackiness like what happened during Veeblefester's 2018 New Year's party. Brutus and Gladys just slept through it.

Morning Blah

Of course it's asleep. Look at how you're sitting.

Anti-Morning

May 21, 1975

What the hell kind of lodge has Brutus joined? Some sort of of Civil War re-enactor/French Foreign Legion/Egyptian Pharaoh mix. This guy looks like he stumbled out of Crock.

But then you'd just end up hating Wednesday afternoons. Also, you would then be in school until after the 4th of July going only two and a half days a week, if not longer. Look, I am all for school schedules to be individualized for both the student and parents but laying in bed isn't going to get that to happen.

I Admire That Brutus Gets His Coffee at Home

January 21, 1975

Yeah, cuz Brutus is so desirable. The important question is 'is she happy?' Maybe I'm just a bleeding heart moron but I would like my exes to be happy with their life. You definitely don't need me in your life to be happy.

But it's so early in the morning. Another cup isn't going to kill you.

So how does Chip figure out when Gladys gets curlers and when she doesn't?

I Mainly Listen to White Noise

Does anybody remember that "Pure Moods" CD that was sold on TV and, eventually, stores? I loved that CD and would listen to it all the time. I need to get a new one. You can find close facsimiles on Spotify but it just seems different somehow.

What I love about the last panel is that you can imagine it in one of two ways. One, Brutus is so boring that he just faded away. Two, it's now an hour or so later and he just left this guy's office. Either way, it's perfect.

Hello, Fellow Employees

Doesn't Veeblefester have work to do? I mean, he's owner and CEO of a giant tea cozy conglomerate so he must have something to do or paperwork to sign. Something. Instead, he's just standing next to the employee entrance--the bad one, not the good one--and is literally begging for morning salutations.

At Least It's Friday

I thought this was going to be a better joke. Like, "I had a rough time waking up this morning." "How rough was it?" "It was so rough, I tripped over my wife's bra. It was a booby trap."

"It was so rough, Gladys called the coroner."

"It was so rough, I took my morning dump at 7 A.M. Unfortunately, I didn't wake up until 8."

The End Is Near

Before we get to today's The Born Loser, let's check out today's Mary Worth.

Good. Good. But I'm not going to believe Wilbur is dead until his fish-eaten, bloated corpse washes up on shore. I feel bad for Estelle who probably now has at least thirty minutes of paperwork she'll have to fill out when the boat docks. I feel bad for Wilbur's daughter, Dawn, because she'll just have to watch and cry while Mary makes all the funeral preparations. Luckily, she has a new man who can comfort her.

I sincerely can't believe there was nobody on deck to witness Wilbur's descent into the ocean. I mean, he was screaming "I'm king of the world!"

Yeah, most of this is psychosomatic for me, too. Look Gladys, I won't tell Brutus. I'll keep your little secret. But this is the last one.

AIEEEEEE!!!

Is it because he didn't blow on it the second time? If so, I think panels should be rearranged. Instead of pour coffee>blow>blow>sip>pour coffee>scream it should be pour coffee>blow>sip>pour coffee>sip>scream. Otherwise, it kind of looks like a delayed reaction.

Jitter Juice

Same. I'm never truly awake until 8:30 at the earliest. Our society needs to be made for all people in mind--early birds, night owls, and all birds in between. It's part of the reason I worked the night shift for so many years. I was always awake in the middle of the night anyway so why not get paid for it? That reminds me.

Weak Coffee With Cream

Brutus says this at least twice a year. Just like whenever Brutus loses his reading glasses and he finds them on top of his head he says "If they'd've been a snake, they'd've bit me." It's just something married couples tolerate about each other.

I wish the unknown colorist would've chosen a darker brown for the coffee. It looks like dirty water or Gladys already poured in cream and sugar and just stirred it around in the carafe.

Wrong Side

Stan Lee
1922 - 2018

EXCELSIOR!

"Gee, you look awful, Thorny!"

"Thanks, dick."

Maybe Brutus and Gladys need a new mattress. Or, based on the bubbles above his head, he is horribly hungover from a night of drinking and debauchery. They usually do that on Saturday night but had to switch because the host couldn't get a sitter.

Sleep!

Hey, welcome back to Losers Are Made, Not Born. I am starting to hate that title more and more as the years go by. I have nothing for you this week except to remind and urge you to go out and vote this Tuesday if you already haven't.

"Didn't you know this is the day we set our clocks back?"

"Why do we do that?"

"Because a bunch of long-dead guys wanted to conserve oil, or be able to harvest in the morning, or some garbage to do with the railroads. It's stupid and mostly pointless these days but we keep doing it because, well, honestly because the government tells us we have to."

I don't understand why Brutus went into a long detailed explanation of Daylight Savings to cover up that he and Gladys had sex. Just tell Wilberforce that you and Gladys were having some alone time and let him go back to eating his Oaty Oh's.




If you would like to support my writing or research, you can buy me a cup of coffee on Ko-Fi.

I:XI

Did Wilberforce not notice how not bright it was? Eh, who cares? Why is he holding his wrist that way to look at the watch. Is his wrist broken? Did Wilberforce not only put the watch on upside down but also on the side of his wrist?

Cereal's Getting Soggy

Wilberforce goes to one of those schools where the kids live at the school for the week and return home on Friday afternoon. You know what they are. You know what I'm talking about.

I wish people would realize that the people who take charge of your kids while they are at school enjoy Friday afternoon too. We love our kids and our job but we also like vegging out in front of three separate screens on the couch, too.

Does Arnie Really Think Brutus Would Exercise?

 Sounds like a health issue. You should get that checked out. Are your hiccups waking you up or do you wake up and then get them? Either way, go see a doctor. That doesn't sound good.

"Please let us produce your tea cozies, or sell you our tea cozies. I'm not entirely sure which one we do around here. Maybe both? Sincerely yours, Skilled Writer Brutus."